Baby, Please stop throwing your food on the floor. Mommy is about to...

LOSE HER SHIT!

I don't know where to start I am so upset!  My beautiful, wonderful, sweet, kind... oh hell I am just going to come right out and say it, Oliver is behaving like an asshole baby. He is obsessed with throwing things. And pretty much 99% of what he throws, he shouldn't!  He throws things down with force, over his head with Gusto! and behind his back with indifference.  The baby is on his way to the major leagues, but only after he and daddy drop mommy at the crazy house.

Monday Memories-Wild Animals BIG and small from around the world

Today's Monday Memories Prompt is, Wild Animals.  That's it. The wonderful Chrissy at Quirky Chrissy, said we can interpret that any way we want!  What awesomeness is that!  Being that I consider myself a bit (a lot) of a wild animal and of course FTD and Ollie are wild Animals, I thought why not make a photo montage of the family!  But, then I thought, nah... I kind of do that all of the time...

Are YOU. Laughing at ME?

Seriously, are you laughing at me?  Do you think I am funny, or something?  Do I amuse you?  When you think of me do you smile?  Or even laugh out loud?

Baby's First Birthday... Make it perfect with these top 5 tips.

In a little over a week, my baby is no longer going to be, as my mom calls it, "a none year old."  While that makes me a little sad, it is certainly cause for celebration! So, then, how do I celebrate? What do I need to  keep in mind? What is the most important thing to do? Should I GO BIG with a grand party? Or keep it Sweet & Simple?  I mean, after all, my baby only turns one once!

What do you tell your kids when this happens...

Last week I took Oliver to the Zoo. Even though this wasn't his first trip, I took him a few times between 4 -6 months, this was the first time he recognized the animals. Which, was SUPER cute!  He would point and yell when they would move.  The monkeys where his favorite. Every time we tried to leave, he would point and squeal. I think I loved the whole experience as much as he did...

We also got to go to the "Land Down Under" themed area, where Wallabies, and other animals indigenous to Australia, run around freely. They were all just hanging out, and doing their thing when we walked up. Again, Ollie pointed and squealed at them. Then... something happened...

MOMMY FAIL #11 Do you have Poison Control on speed dial? Now we do...

Oliver is not awesome to take shopping.  Is any baby/toddler... teenager...man... Sorry I digress... So, to offset his boredom and crazy behavior, I give Ollie bribes toys bribes while shopping. Of course I start off with our own toys and food, but when he is over that, I just start grabbing the first thing I think he will like.

First of all, this photo was take about 6 months ago...
 Look at my sweet little baby!!!  Where the hell did the time go?!
Second, I use one of those cart/trolley liners.
 I LOVE that thing.
As you can see, I have links hooked to it,
and rotate the toys attached to the links regularly. 

Parenting at its finest hour...I get mad, he laughs at me.

Lately Oliver has started this bad habit of throwing his food on the floor. All of it!  It drives me CRAZY.  I load up his tray with his meal, he takes a bite, and then throws the rest on the floor laughing. I am not sure if it is because the cat is always sitting at his feet hoping for chicken or fish, or if Oliver just likes throwing his food, but he does, and I am sick of picking it up!

The only way to get him to eat a full meal is to place one piece of food at a time in front of him to pick up and eat. Yes, he has to be the one to pick up the food and feed it to himself.  I can have nothing to do with the actual act of the food getting into his mouth. So, even though it makes me nuts, I sit in front of him and give him one bite at a time.

Two Weeks Until... ONE! I'm freaking out!

Oh My GAAAAWWWD!!  

Oliver is going to be one-year-old in two weeks.  Holy shit, I think I am going to be sick. No, I am going to cry. Oh God, I am going to do both.  Why is this happening?  Why?  Where did my beautiful first year with my baby go?  I'll tell you where it went, Father-freaking-Time hates me. He sped up the clock, while Mother-freaking-Nature made my baby grow and develop off the charts. Then Murphy's-asshole-Law taught him to walk out of my arms, across the room and then look back and laugh at me.

Oh dear... My 11-month-old baby is a drunken zombie walker...

At 6-months-old Ollie started cruising. At 10-months-old he took his first un-aided  steps.  Well, at 11-months and 6-days-old, my baby started walking. I mean full-ass-on walking.

At some point last week he began insisting on being put down in the standing position.  Every time I would try to set him down he would lock his legs out like a kickstand on a bike. He refused to sit down, I would hold have to his hands so he would drag me around the house walking.  Then, within a couple of days, I could just set him down in the standing position. He no longer needed me to hold him until he decided to sit down. Then two days ago, he took off from the coffee table and crossed the room to FTD, close to 10 steps! FTD and I stared in amazement, Ollie didn't even seem slightly surprised. I would think Ollie would have been stoked, but nothing, just glad to be at daddy's feet.  We clapped and did the happy dance.

5 Lessons ALL New Moms & Dads Learn the hard way

No matter how much warning, preparation and natural instinct new parents have, nothing prepares them for parenthood quite like their own child.  NOTHING! Below are my top five of twenty, hard lessons learned, so far, as a new parent.

Lesson 1: SLEEP

1. You are not EVER EVER EVER going to sleep well again. EVER, for the rest of your life, (Bonus Lesson 1.1 Set your expectations low, so you will find sweet solace once in a while)
2. During the first few months, if you sleep more than 3 hours solid you should buy a lottery ticket, because you are the luckiest person alive that day.  And I mean THAT day, because it will not happen again, any time soon.   
3. Don't even think you are going to get a "good night sleep," during the first few months either.  You are just going to get some sleep, at some point, for an undetermined amount of time. Your baby will wake up after going to sleep just for shits and giggles (It will give you the shits, he will giggle) at any hour he feels, as many times as he wants.  
4. Months 3-6 you may sleep more than 3 hours at this point, but it will never be during a set routine time. You are welcome to give the Cry-it-Out method a shot, but unless you have the heart of serial killer, and the ears of a deaf mute, it's probably going to tear you apart inside to hear your baby screaming, so, for the time being, just learn to love the sleep where you can get it. 
5. The cry-it-out method is from hell.  You are to put your baby into his crib and leave to let him cry himself to sleep. Normally, this lasts for ten or more minutes, three or more nights in a row, before he learns to self soothe himself to sleep. You will insist you will never try this.  Until you lose your mind from the crazy sleep cycle, break down and give it a go.  Depending on your pain-threshold, you may not be successful at sticking it out the first hundred times.  Seek support. This method is highly recommended, so at some point you will most likely face this road from hell.
6. If at any point you let your sweet bundle of joy into your bed with you for consecutive days, you are screwed.  Your sweet bundle will become a bed hogging bastard.  Yes, I mean bastard, because your partner will cease to exist in your bed, you will find him on the couch getting the only good night sleep in the house. 

The Silver Lining: While you will not ever get a good nights sleep again, you will get good at not sleeping!  If you do not have a coffee addiction yet, you will soon.  No, there is no Coffee IV Drip available on the market yet, but some genius parent is out there working on the invention now.  Welcome to the Sleepless Parenthood Club.

Early to bed, late to rise

When Oliver was about two-months-old, I began his all important bed-time routine: Bath, Boob, Bed. Since beginning said routine, FTD and I have had an ongoing  argument disagreement discussion, about whether having Oliver go to sleep at a later time would make him wake up later. FTD insisted late to sleep, late to rise. It makes sense, put him to bed late, he will wake up late.  Well, WRONG!  I have always said, "No, FTD, as usual you are man-rational-wrong," and to that he would say, "Balls! Late to bed, late to rise. Don't you know anything?"  Lucky, FTD is not a complete idiot, he follows along with the routine as I set it, but still, like a mad-child, he still complains.

Mommy Super Powers!

Last night I couldn't get to sleep... I just laid there, staring at the ceiling for hours. I think I finally fell asleep around 2 am, but never really slept well. And to make matters worse, after saying how awesome Ollie was at sleeping in, he was up and hungry at 6am. So, yeah, I slept for all of four hours last night, if you can even call it sleep.

Mid-day I realized I was not even really that tired, just annoyed. Apparently, after 11-months of being constantly sleep deprived, I can function well on little-to-no sleep!  I guess that's good. I mean, I think I am even going to go so far as to call it a Mommy Super Power!  And then I started thinking... What other super powers do I have now that I am a mommy?

11-Months Old. The Man-child and Me

It's that time again... Observations of my baby at 11-months old, and me postpartum.  At first I was not going to write this post, but then I realized that would be Silly-Stupid.  I have documented every month of pregnancy and post birth, I cannot stop before his first birthday!

Anyways, lets get down to business.

Observations of my baby (Massive Man-Child) at 11-Months-Old:

Please don't put me in the 'Mom Blogger' box, I am capable of so much more...

(For the final post of my two week 'Best of 2012' series, I thought I would finish with a post that is truly one of my favorites. I wrote a couple of short entries for the Trifecta Writing Challenge during the week forty-six challenge, when the word prompt was DEATH. I had to use the third definition from Merriam Webster's Online Dictionary: 3 capitalized : the destroyer of life represented usually as a skeleton with a scythe

The first story came to me instantly. I mean a huge novel worth of ideas just popped into my head! I could clearly envision the plot twists and turns, even the wicked badass ending that makes you want to scream. This had never happened to me before... the story actually ate at me until I turned it into a short story. The second entry I wrote to make me and FTD laugh...  I hope you enjoy them...)

Funny Parenting photos (Best of Series)

(I couldn't repost the 'Best of' series and leave this one out!)

I get sent so many funny photos that I have a huge bank of them.

I thought I would share...

That's my lil' breech baby!

Don’t Let Debt Worries Rule Your Life

The recession and rise in cost of living has left many families facing financial hardship. As times got harder more and more was borrowed by the average British family, and now in the recovery stage you are left with debt to pay off as well as more expensive bills and day-to-day expenses.

Debt is one of the main triggers of depression in the UK and it is also one of the top reasons couples cite for divorce. Looming debt creates an atmosphere in the family home that is stressful and worrying for all members of your family. Don’t let it rule your life, find ways to do the things you want to for less so you don’t feel enslaved by your debt.

Take a holiday. Yes, this might sound completely impossible, but those in debt are much more likely to need a break from their daily routine and money worries. It doesn’t’ t have to be a big holiday, in fact it shouldn’t be, as this will just add to your financial worries. Take a camping trip, stay with relatives within the UK, or enter a competition to win a holiday. You can currently win a free Butlins break simply by entering the holiday voucher code found on special packs of Cushelle on to their website.

If you are debt heavy but asset rich, then consider taking some of the pressure off by getting rid of some unwanted belongings. Have a massive clear out of clothes, toys, furniture and other bits and bobs you just don’t need, want or use anymore. List things on eBay, do a car boot sale and try gumtree for larger items. Once you’ve streamlined the relatively small things, then consider some of your other possessions. Do you live in a two-car household? Do you need both those cars or could you manage with one between you? If you could live without a second car selling the spare could free up a huge amount of cash and get your debt paid off faster.

You have to remember, there will be life after debt, and you can’t stop living your life in the interim. Still do fun things with your kids and have a few treats every now and again, just be careful with your choices to avoid falling further 

Instead of reading my blog today, go do this...

Paint your nails! Seriously, GO DO IT!  Or, even better, if you have the money just go get a mani/pedi.

As part of my 2013 resolution to find more *ME* time, I have been taking the time to pamper myself. I am showering regularly, wearing jeans instead of sweats (at least 3 or more times a week). EASY!  I am taking baby steps here. I am also doing my hair and makeup regularly. I mean, after all, I am a lady dammit, it's time I look like one! Plus, I am a proud badass mom, why can't I be sassy and fabulous too?

Last week I found that pretty purple nail color in Walgreens on sale for .99 cents, so of course I bought it with every intention of putting it on that night!  I LOVE IT!  Not too light for winter, but not too dark to have me mistaken for a witch, just perfect winter purple... Ever since I swiped that first stroke of purple on my bare boring nails, I have felt pretty and sassy. I love looking down at my hands and seeing my pretty nails.  I even feel sassy in my sweat pants with my rockstar hands.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE go paint your nails!  I truly think you will feel instantly sassy too. There is something so lady like and sweet about pretty nails.  Maybe it's just me... but I don't think so. Seriously, stop reading and go paint your nails!

And then just to be awesome and humor me, take a picture and post it to the First Time Mom and Dad Facebook page.  Pretty (nails) please. Click Here to visit our page.


Happy Friday! I hope you have a sassy and fabulous weekend.

Is my baby in there waiting to come out?

Last night while I was laying in bed, rapt with cramping and discomfort from my newly returned monthly visitor, I had this moment where I actually thought I was feeling the egg break apart inside of me.  I couldn't help but think about that egg and what possibilities it held before I began to shed it.  It was then that I realized that little egg could have been my number 2, Ollie's sibling.

Never in my life have I cared about my period. I hate periods and all the annoying hassle and mess that goes along with them.  Is there a woman who doesn't?  Regardless, I am a woman, I ovulate, that's just how nature rolls. In fact, I read somewhere that females are born with all of their eggs. We do not produce them during our lifetime, only 'drop' them.

Laying there, feeling this egg break apart, made me a little sad.  I couldn't help but think about the amazing cycle of life, and how the human body and nature work. Since I know I want to have a number 2, should I be playing games with nature by not taking advantage of each opportunity I am given?

She's Baaaack...getting your period while nursing,

(WARNING: I'm going to rant like a crazy lady... because I AM!)



I am 11-months postpartum tomorrow and that bitch Aunt Flo has just decided to turn up out of nowhere.  I cannot believe it, that bitch is back!  I hate her, why is she here?  WHY?? I am still nursing.  It's not fair.  I thought that bitch would leave me alone until I was finished nursing.  WTF? SON OF A BITCH!!!  Literally, Oliver is officially the son of a raging, I will punch-you-in-your-face bitch!

Life has been so good without her.  SO. GOOD.  I haven't had to deal with that crazy filthy bitch since May of 2011. Why now?  Why is she coming back now? Today, New Years Day, of all days! And completely uninvited at that. NOT COOL!  BITCH! NOT COOL!

Ok, maybe she sent me a few warnings that she was coming....

Happy New Year!!

WOO HOO!!!   I decided that I was going to get all dressed up for the night's celebrations... dinner at my brother's house.  Whatever, it's a new year, a new me and I wanted to rock out!

That's right.  I'm feeling all fancy and fun!