I am 11-months postpartum tomorrow and that bitch Aunt Flo has just decided to turn up out of nowhere. I cannot believe it, that bitch is back! I hate her, why is she here? WHY?? I am still nursing. It's not fair. I thought that bitch would leave me alone until I was finished nursing. WTF? SON OF A BITCH!!! Literally, Oliver is officially the son of a raging, I will punch-you-in-your-face bitch!
Life has been so good without her. SO. GOOD. I haven't had to deal with that crazy filthy bitch since May of 2011. Why now? Why is she coming back now? Today, New Years Day, of all days! And completely uninvited at that. NOT COOL! BITCH! NOT COOL!
Ok, maybe she sent me a few warnings that she was coming....
Last Friday I thought my appendix was going to rupture. FTD kept asking me where was the pain was and what did it feel like. The pain was just above my pelvis, and mostly on the right side. I didn't even really feel much of anything on the left side. The pain was just uncomfortable, not like cramping or anything. So I took a couple of Motrin and went to sleep.
The next morning I called my sister complaining... about all kids of stuff, that's what I do... She is my big sister, she has to listen. Anyways, I told her I was getting kicked in the pelvis, to which she told me I was ovulating. Apparently, my body was releasing eggs, and that was the discomfort I was feeling. I accepted her answer, and moved on to my next order of bitching business.
When I hung up with my sister, I called FTD at work and told him to stay out for the next 3-5 days so he didn't knock me up again. Seriously, I heard that once I started ovulating he could knock me up with a side ways glance. I love Ollie, but, now is not the time for another Ollie.
Still, even though I knew I was ovulating, I didn't think that bitch Aunt Flo would turn up? If you are laughing at me now because it is only natural that Flo comes after ovulating, then SCREW YOU! I didn't pay much attention in High school health class. I read that nursing women can go without this shit the entire time they nurse. I am still nursing exclusively, WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
Ok, I am going to try to look on the bright side here... maybe this Flo bitch will somehow help me loose some more of my pregnancy weight. Whatever, there is no bright side to this shit right now. I mean, fuck. It's such a mess! Such an inconvenience. Such a hassle. Flo you bitch LEAVE! I'm so annoyed right now. New Years Day 2013, and the most annoying bitch on earth shows up.
Suck ass shit fuck Flo. You better not be here long, or make a huge mess of things. If you do, I will march down to my GYNO and get the Depo shot and do away with your stinky smelly annoying needy bitch ass.
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Stupid bitch Aunt Flo fucking everything up!
21 comments:
Uh oh. Maybe that means mine will be coming soon too? I had weird random pelvic pain the last day or two. And I"m still nursing.
And if that b!tch shows up, I am going to start jumping my hubby every chance I get post-visit. We want to make sure we can make a second baby before all my eggs retire.
Oh honey, count yourself lucky - my mate visited me when bub was 9 weeks old, and she's been (albeit erratically) showing up ever since. I knew she'd show up earlier 'cause he's a bottle baby but still, it doesn't make it any better.
I was on Depo years ago, looooovvvveeed it. So much easier. Once we're done with the babies, I'm straight back on it!!
Anyways, hope Flo decides she's visited the wrong uterus and buggers off, quick smart! x
You are right behind me... Ollie started sleeping really well the past couple of weeks, I think that is what did it. Let me know!!! You make such beautiful babes! I can't wait to see number 2!!!
Ugh. I feel so yucky. It's like getting my period for the first time all over again. Yuck!!
I've had mine for two months. It's not my normal cycle at all but it is back. And I'm definitely still nursing since I'm nursing/commenting now.
Muwahaha- reading this over breakfast- about spit out my Captain Crunch :) Reminding me why I am forever grateful for the Mirena IUD- but, unlike you, I have yet to pick pregnancy amnesia... sorry girl, Periods suck ass.
Aunt Flo definitely helped with some of my baby weight loss. In fact, I couldn't lose weight no matter what until my cycle became regular. Flo also helped regulate the postpartum crazies. Now I only get crazy for a few days every month instead of all the time.
Jesus Tapdancin' Christ!
Oh my! This made me laugh, mostly because you are hilarious and that illustration is killing me. But also, because I actually WANT my cycle to return. I probably don't know what I'm saying and will regret it as soon as Flo pays me what I know is coming soon (Jehryn is almost a year.) My reasoning is that I will be able to plan better.
I'm not sure if your rant was funnier or if your hubby's comment is. Hilarious! ...maybe I'd better tell you that yours is since you're all stabby right now ;) Hope your uterus gets well soon!
Well. Just think on the bright side. At least you're not pregnant?
LOL. I do a lot of my blog reading while nursing. It's my quiet time. I wonder why some of us get it sooner than others?
So you have the IUD and you are nursing? My lactation consultan said any birthcontrol would mess with my milk?
Imagine... me crazy only a couple days a month... nah... I would LOVE it if I would actually lose some more baby weight.
You will regret it, but I will admit, being able to "plan" better will be a huge relief for us!
FTD! You are not right!
bwahhhh... omg, this post is dead on how I will feel. I also had the pain a couple days ago, knew right away that bitch was back, luckily she lasted about 12 hours and that was it. still nursing through the night.... fuck Flo.
"Stabby" "Uterus gets well soon!" I LOVE it! Jen youi are so awesome!!
Oh Chrissy, you always know the right thing to say... to make me laugh out loud! Ok, I have to admit, I thought the same thing...
Oh shit now I'm worried, I don't want her to show back up again. I've been enjoying not having to deal with it. Although the constant worrying about that worthless piece of shit pill with no estrogen failing when it's naughty time is probably going to induce a panic attack soon.
You have every right to be mad! Sorry for your luck.
Haha I'm a little late but catching up on a few of my favorite people (Of which Flo is not included!) I also dread the day mine returns! Despite that I gain a new child and love the best part of pregnancy for me is NOT having a period!! I feel your pain!
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