The Dude Has a 'Tude.

It's official, I think a diva alien has taken possession of my sweet little toddler, because that man-child ain't so sweet anymore! Some how the little dude has worked up a super 'tude.  I mean a super-duper show stopping attitude that demands attention. Lately, he has been acting like he is large and in charge, yelling, pushing, throwing Hot Wheels and stomping off, and OH. MAH. GAWD. It is SO funny! I cannot help it, being the good mommy that I am, sometimes when he freaks out about the most ridiculous thing I laugh at him. Another favorite of mine is when he lays on the floor and starts losing it over absolutely nothing,  I look down, shake my head and say, "Are you kidding me right now?" and then walk off... laughing.  To which he gets even more pissed off. Hell yes I plan on getting, 'Mom of The Year 2013!

I Confess, We Are Screwing Our Kid Up One Mispronounced Word At A Time...

It's finally happened, Ollie has mispronounced a word in such a way it's coming out a 'bad' word. And.. it's funny! So funny that I never miss a chance to get him to say it, and neither does FTD.  I know what you are thinking, it's Truck, or Duck, or Clock. NOPE!  It's something I never would have guessed. In fact, if Ollie didn't break out a visual while yelling the word, I would have been convinced he was actually calling me a, BITCH!

Hmmm... Or was he...
Cheeky little bugger.

Everyday when FTD comes home from work, he changes and then gets on the floor to play with Ollie by making a car or choo choo track. I take that time to relax and/or catch up on emails. All of the sudden, Ollie walks over from the floor to me sitting on the couch and says (with heaps of excitement), Hey Bitch! I was shocked into silence.  Surely, FTD would not teach him to say such a thing to me?  When the shock finally wore off, I mustered a, What? Again, Ollie shouts, BITCH!, then points back at FTD.  I look at FTD who is in hysterics!  I mean whole body shaking laughter.  I couldn't control myself, I started laughing hysterically too.  Now, I'm laughing, FTD is laughing and Ollie is pointing at FTD and yelling, BITCH! BITCH! BITCH!

OH. MAH. GAWD!  Beyond funny.

The mother inside finally overrides my child inside, and tells FTD in-between fits of laughter, that we are terrible!  We should not be laughing and encouraging this bad behavior.  Even if Ollie is calling FTD a Bitch, and it's the funniest thing he has ever said or done.  Toddlers do not use the word Bitch!

FTD, finally stops laughing long enough to call Ollie over.  Ollie runs over the FTD and pulls a Thomas The Tank Train bridge out from behind FTD's back.  He runs it back to me and yells, BITCH!

Dear God... he is trying to say, Bridge.

I look at him and say, OH, BRIDGE. He yells back with excitement, Yeah, BITCH!

This could go terribly wrong for us if presented with a bridge in a crowd with Ollie.

I told FTD we were still terrible and needed to not encourage the wrong enunciation of words either.  FTD, said, Oh Balls, and walked off.  He maintains that this is one of the best parts about having a toddler. Ollie can yell Bitch-Ass-Shit and get away with it.  because really he is saying, Bridge and Ship. I had no choice but to agree. It's funny, and we are going to love it while it lasts.

As some of you know, I turned to my Facebook community of AWESOME! to tell about the Bridge/Bitch episode.  And as usual, my AWESOME community fired back with their own stories and confessions of laughing at poorly pronounced Trucks, Ships and Clocks. I even had a good friend of mine send me video of her son saying, 'Cock', instead of clock.  I bet I watched it two or three times, before calling FTD over to watch it a few more times with me.  It's funny, I cannot help it!

This is the time when toddlers will say the damnedest things! And dammit, it's FUNNY! 

Of course we will not encourage bad words when he says them on purpose, but the clocks, trucks and bridges coming out a little skewed... since all we can do about it is laugh, we might as freaking well!

What's your toddler saying?

Halloween Humor: Mostly Funny. Slightly Disturbing.

With all of the spooktastic Hallowen stuff going around, I thought I would lighten the mood with some Halloween Humor... 

JOKES: Mostly Funny. Slightly Disturbing.

Q. Why couldn’t the mummy attend the meeting?
A. He was all tied up

Q. Why did the ghost go into the bar?
 A. For the Boos

Q. Why is a ghost such a messy eater?
 A. Because he is always a goblin

Q. Why couldn’t the skeleton go to the dance?
 A. Because he had no body to take

Q. Why wouldn’t the skeleton cross the road?
 A. Because he didn’t have any guts

Q. What kind of makeup do ghosts wear?
 A. Mas-scare-a

Q. What do ghosts put on their morning cereal? A. Booberries.

Q.  What is the problem with two twin witches? A. You never know which witch is which!

PETS: Mostly Funny. Slightly Disturbing.

ASSES: Mostly Funny. Slightly Disturbing.

I see it!
Am I going to hell now?  

HALLOWEEN CARDS: Mostly Funny. Slightly Disturbing.

And finally... 100% Disturbing...

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

I went toe-to-toe with a pile of pregnant women and survived!

As most of you know, over this past weekend I delivered a speech on, "preparing for pregnancy." I thought I would share the experience with you...

I walked into the venue and hour early to find about 15-20 vendor tables and what looked like about 50 attendees.  Most of which were very pregnant women, I'd say the majority looking like they were 30+ weeks along.  I started to get a little nervous because I had prepared a speech about, planning for pregnancy and what to expect per the event coordinators request... these women already knew what to expect when they were expecting! 

I quickly found the event coordinator and was shown to the auditorium where I was going to be speaking  After a sound check she left me and my girlfriend to relax before the speech began. (We had just driven 2+ hours and needed some time to unwind.)  The room was set up with about 100-150 chairs. Each chair had a flyer placed on the seat cushion advertising the next big play being put on in that auditorium.  Ironically the play was called 'Menopause!"  Seriously I can't make that shit up!  

If only I looked like her when I was pregnant...
If only my waist looked like that now!

My Secret To Raising A Super Awesome Kid

If you read my blog regularly, then you know, my toddler is the epitome of the, 'Terrible Threes." If he's not being naughty and testing his boundaries, he's making out loud observations that are SO FREAKING FUNNY, and at the same time, so-not-right. 

The truth is, I love it.

Of course, I could do without the boundary testing, but the rest of the stuff he does is pee-your-pants funny, and thankfully, I've finally learned to let myself laugh out loud at it. And in some strange way, it's led to me finding the Secret To Raising A Super Awesome Kid...

I admit, I spent a great deal of my son's first couple of years trying to raise him to be a quiet, well-behaved toddler. WHAT A WASTE! There's no such thing! Plus, not only is there no fun in being a mean mommy, my kid could not possibly become his own person with me telling him how to think and behave.

Sure, my little guy can be so naughty I want to scream, or so cheeky I'm convinced FTD and I have completely screwed him up,  but Three is fun. A lot of fun! My kid's interpretation of the world is so innocent, that most times, it's beyond cute and funny.  He's also great with 'Please' and 'Thank You' and is the sweetest little Storm Trooper you have ever met!

                                                  

He's also showing his inner comedian. 

The kid is so cleaver and witty, it burns FTD and I almost daily.

The latest parent burn handed over by the kid, was one of his best yet.

FTD to Ollie: Hey, Buddy, can you hand me the remote?

OLLIE: **Hands over remote, but holds back a few inches**

FTD: A little more, buddy. 

Ollie: No. Use the force, Dad.

HAHAHAHAHAHA!  I honestly think he was being serious, but it's sill a super burn!

It took me three years, but I've finally learned in order for children to figure out their world, they have to test it, break it, jump on it, climb up it, yell, hit and kick it, and drive their parents, siblings and pets cray-cray in the process. That's just how it is.

Now, I let my kid be a kid. I laugh at him when he's funny and reprimand when it's appropriate. And for every other second in between, I hold, hug, kiss and embrace the crazy little shit, because I'm so blessed to have him.

I've also learned when I take parenting too seriously, it all falls apart. I choose my battles, which mainly revolve around enforcing manners and putting an end to hitting or throwing. And the occasional back talk and bad words. That's parenting though, right?

You want a super awesome kid? Then, have fun with your kid. Laugh with your kid. Learn with your kid. Most of all, let your kid, be a kid.  

What to really Expect when you are Expecting...

As some of you know (My friends, family and Facebook Fans) I am the Keynote Speaker at a Maternity Fair tomorrow.  Since Speaking is my thing I am not nervous, just having one of the hardest times figuring out what exactly to say.  Well, no, I have plenty to say about pregnancy, but since Baptist Health wants me to talk about planning and preparing for pregnancy, I keep finding myself wanting to talk about morning noon and night sickness, constipation, raging hormones that trick you into believing your husband is a whackass Ogre who should be punished and so on...  Those are not good things! At some point during writing my speech I felt like I was writing a speech for a birth control convention. Not good! 

Thankfully, after a little more thought, and bad memory suppression, I was able to come up with a few good points.  I thought I would share... 

My Three Year Old Learned How To Give The Finger. To Everyone.

Ollie has two older nephews, 8 and 9, that LOVE to teach him naughty things, then laugh hysterically when Ollie emulates them.

I get it. I'm guilty of taking advantage of his speech delays for my own amusement. In fact, I was super bummed when Ollie learned to properly say Duck and Bridges.

Still, teaching him bad words and gestures is not OK.

I'm constantly telling them that they know better, and while it's funny, Ollie has no clue what the naughty things mean, or even that the naughty things are even naughty. Especially, since his teachers, the two boys, laugh and cheer for him.

That all being said, when Ollie learned to stick his middle finger up, I drew the damn line.

I nearly died.

New and exciting things!!

Hi all!

I have a couple of announcements!

Since I know a good number of you read the blog from your smart phone, I wanted to post this information since you do not get a full view of the website. (All of this information can be found on the right hand side of the website view.)  Also Smart Phone users, in case you did not know, under my banner on the right hand side is a small arrow, if you tap on it, you can view the pages on the website, including all of the beautiful babies shared by readers!



1. I'm officially a Twit! Or is it a Tweet? Whatever it is, I'm now twittering my little fingers off! Please join me @ 1stTimeMomNDad (I've embedded the link so just tap 1sttimemomNdad)

2. I've set up a Facebook page so all of us can chat and post stuff! I get so many funny photos emailed to me that I need an outlet to share them. I bet you have a few too. Plus, I will be posting some of the ridiculous photos and Video I take of Ollie, me and dad! The Page is called (surprise!), First Time Mom & Dad. (Link Embedded)

Please follow me there too. Just click the "like" button on the page so we can stay connected.

3. This is a bit cheeky (but totally Legal!),I need your help to be a "Top Mommy Blogger". Just click on this link to "Top Mommy Blogs" and that's it! All you have to do it click the link and it counts as a vote. No email, sign up, nothing! Just click the link...

My blog is listed under "humor" and I'm ranked #30 in the category, which is awesome, but I'm hoping to get in the top 25! Overall I'm #128, and hoping to make it into the top #100! I really need your help to get there! Please & Thank you!



4. I'm so thankful for each of you! I have the best stats, beyond my dreams, and each one of you got me there! After a year of posting Mon-Fri and most weekends... I may just figure out how to make a career out of writing... or not.  Regardless, knowing you all reading... keeps me writing everyday. Thanks for the push I need to keep going!

5. FUNNY!

6. Sad but true... and a bit funny! 

7. Something for the men to talk about with other men.

8. Me, hubs, and Ollie!

Socially Unacceptable Sunday!

Welcome to another installment of Socially Unacceptable Sunday! 

It's that time of the week again... Time to prove that FTD and I are maintaining our normal realm of socially unacceptable behavior!

Without further ado...I present to you our favorite Tweets, Posts, Videos, Pins, Instagrams and other assorted ridiculousness that we have posted to our social media accounts over the last seven days...

21 Things We Learned From Our Mother... #HILARIOUS

I came across this a few days ago and knew I had to share it.  I wish I knew who wrote it so I could thank and credit them, because this is SO funny and SO true!!  

Here are 21 things we learned from our mother... 

Funny how when we were learning these things they were not nearly as funny.  

Thanks, Mom!  

Love you.

Wanna see the complete top 25 list, and throw a vote my way? 

PLEASE!!! Click HERE or the image below!

When Dr. Google Says It's Tourettes, Autism, ADHD, OCD and Bipolar

Let me just preface this by saying, I'm the mother of a Four-year-old boy. By the end of his first year of life, I learned my lesson the hard way about Googling his symptoms. Ten times out of ten, it always ended in me freaking out that he had a rare incurable disease. I was so bad about it, his pediatrician made me promise that I would NEVER again look to Dr. Google for a diagnosis. Then, last night happened...

Last night, FTD looked at me and said, did you hear that?

Me: What?

FTD: Those noises Ollie makes?

Me: Huh?

FTD: That humming noise. He makes it after he says something.

ME: Um? He's four, he's constantly making noises!

FTD: Well, listen for it. It could be an indicator of something...

Me: What are you talking about?

FTD: I was talking to Mrs' Smith at school about it, and...

Me: Whatever, I'll listen for it.

Being that FTD works at a school for children with "learning differences", he is super sensitive to the tics, quirks and differences that make each kid special. Most times it's me being paranoid, and FTD telling me to chill out, however, in this case, it was the other way around. Which, totally freaked me out.

He's the level-headed one, why is he the one freaking out this time?

I spent the rest of my son's waking hours following his every sound. By the end of the night, I did notice what FTD was talking about. Once in bed, I laid next to Ollie and listened more for the sounds, and even asked them about it. He told me he liked the way they sounded or he thought they were, "funny".  This is where my downward spiral began.

As he settled into sleep, he started repeatedly making a humming sound... until he fell asleep!

I Googled:  4-year old son makes funny noises.

At first,  Dr. Google said all signs pointed to Autism.

Then, Tourettes.

THEN! Tourettes, with ADHD, OCD and BiPolar.

Fu*k. Me.

I hate Dr. Google.  WHY did I do it???

So here I am, freaking out my son has Tourettes, Autism, ADHD, OCD and Bipolar, all due to noises he was making. As much as I wanted to call myself an asshole for Googling his symptoms and move on with my day, I couldn't. I was in a full panic attack.

It's so easy to morph symptoms into Dr. Goggle's diagnosis. It's almost like, I am so desperate for an answer, even a crappy one will do. SO WRONG!

Warning Parents: DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME.

Thanks to this little mishap, I have to either call his doctor and fess up that I Googled some shit and now I'm freaking out, or obsessively watch my son until I calm the F*ck down on my own.I'm going with the latter, for now.

It's funny on the heels of a post about my genius son, now I'm writing about him having Tourettes and a slew of other things. I'm telling you, Parenting is not for the faint of heart or conspiracy theorist, because it will drive you mad if you let it.

Bottom line: My son may or may not have Tourettes, but to go from a noise to Tourettes, Autism, ADHD, OCD and Bipolar is pure dumbassery. I know better.

Please, take it from me, before consulting Dr. Google, talk to your doctor first. Because, at this point, the only one with a true problem is me! My son is four. He's a wild, busy toddler, over analyzing that is not going to do either of us any good.

Funny Parenting photos (Best of Series)

(I couldn't repost the 'Best of' series and leave this one out!)

I get sent so many funny photos that I have a huge bank of them.

I thought I would share...

That's my lil' breech baby!

When I want to laugh until I cry... I look at these

WARNING:  If you do not like the "F" word or potty humor, piss off because this post is full of both.... Yes I know this is a parenting blog, but sometimes a parent deserves to laugh at something other than Dora the Explora...

It's the first week of a new month, which means I owe you a funny photo post. I actually have not received any good parenting or funny baby photos in a while,  so I have decided to share my personal funny folder. I may be committing mommy blogger suicide by posting this many horrendous foul mouthed photos, but you know what? I don't care, these make me laugh and I bet they will make you laugh too. I hope you enjoy.

Like our Blog? Then please click on the lady's fat head to help us get to #1!

This is by far one of the greatest pranks I have ever pulled on my Australian husband

In honor of FTD's citizenship, I thought I would share one of my favorite funny stories from when I first brought FTD to the US to meet my family.  FTD, this Friday Funny is for you. I can't believe you stuck around... hahahahahahaha

When FTD and I came back to the US for the very first time so he could meet my family, I lived in the top floor of a third-floor walk-up on the fringe of a beautiful sprawling tree-filled park. It was one of those perfect summer evenings: warm air, birds singing, a gentle breeze drifting through. FTD was out on the balcony, and I was inside doing something when I suddenly heard him yelp. I rushed out to see what happened, and there he was, completely dumbfounded, looking like he couldn’t believe what he'd just seen.

FTD pointing out into the air, at absolutely nothing, and says, "Holy shit!  Did you see that?"

Me, now equally dumbfounded, say,"What?"

"THAT!" FTD still pointing into the air, "THAT BLOODY BUG JUST LIT UP!!" 

It took me a second, but I realized he was talking about a firefly.  

Another second later, my lightbulb went off. 

Once I got over the initial shock that they don't have fireflies in Australia, a stroke of genius hit.

I looked at him blankly and said,"Oh! Those are government bugs. They take photos of us periodically for the census and immigration."

In complete disbelief, the man nearly fell over. Shook and mumbling, he proceeded to walk right to his computer. 

I couldn't believe it, he bought it!! hahahahahahhaahhahah

A minute later he yells out, "It's a fucking firefly!!!"

Y'all. He stayed with me. hahahaha

Seventeen years later, and that shit is still so damn funny to me!!!  He really bought it!  What in the hell do people think goes on over here in the US??? hahahahahahah

I hope you have a fabulous weekend!!! Xx

 

Things that make first time moms and dads say, "OH HELL NO!" (Best of Series)

(This is another of my favorite posts of 2012. FTD and I wrote this together and laughed the whole time.  Funny how things you think will never be funny, become funny after enough time has passed...)

During the first month of our son's life the hubs and I actually said, “Oh Hell No!” out loud more times than ever in our lives.  Here is the short list...

Funny Photos!

It's that time again.  My "funny baby photos" folder is overflowing!  Thanks again to those of you who emailed me or posted these funny photos on the First TIme Mom & Dad Facebook Page!  To everyone else, Happy Hump Day! 

So You're Saying THIS Is Normal Behavior? #ToddlerRidiculousness

I'm not sure if two and a half years old is the magic age, but it seems like my toddler has kicked his wild behavior, talking, questions, naughtiness, inquisitiveness and cheekiness into HIGH gear. He sings all of the time now, he jumps off everything, he hits, yells, demands, runs faster, thinks quicker, dances like a maniac, remembers everything--no more lies about what will/won't happen if he does/doesn't do something- and all together NEVER SLOWS DOWN!

Common, even his face has TROUBLE written all over it!

Of course, I complain about this to anyone who will listen, and nine times out of ten, not only do I not get the sympathy I am fishing for, I simply get...

"He's two and a half, that's normal behavior." 

Crap. So, ALL of that is normal? When does it stop?

"Never, it just gets worse. Wait until he is completely able to outsmart you."

Awesome.


When I think back to when my sister's kids were Ollie's age, I remember how fun they were. They made me laugh out loud on a regular basis. They were always singing, dancing, saying funny things, doing even funnier things, and if they weren't trying to break something, they were trying to emulate Evil Knievel.  They were SO funny!

Wait.

Huh?

That's what my kid does. All day. Why is it not funny when he does it?

In fact, it's super annoying 75% of the time...

I'm starting to think I am holding my kid to standards that are WAY too high for a little two year old. For some reason I have it in my head that I need to stop him from constantly being naughty, cheeky, saying bad things, running around, jumping off things, playing with things he shouldn't, running too fast down hill... being a toddler.

I enjoyed my nephews because I let them be... toddlers.  I let them do what they did, because it was so much fun to watch and experience. Of course, when they said bad words, or did dangerous things I would stop them. So why am I so hard on my kid?

I really am exhausted some days!

I know the answer...

Because he is MY kid, and I want him to be perfect. I want him to be the idea I always had for my child before I was a parent. I want him to be things he just can't be right now, and drowning out his awesomeness is doing a huge disservice to both of us. If I would just relax and choose my battles a little more wisely, then I think both of us would be happier, and have more fun.

It's clear that I am the one who needs a chill pill, not the toddler. I am the one who needs to take lessons in fun... from my toddler. According to been-there-done-that parents, he is acting spot on for his age, and that it's me who has the problem.

#FAIL! 

This is where being a first-time parent bites me in the ass. It's also when I realize why parents are so relaxed with child number two. They know how they are going to act, and what control they really have over the behavior. They know that boys will be boys, toddlers will be toddlers, and just like with my nephews, as long as you stop the toddler from saying bad words, and attempting dangerous stunts, the rest works itself out. Or as I am beginning to realize, the silly behavior is traded for different silly behavior.

It's time to face the facts, this parenting thing may not be so hard if I learn to accept the things I can change and embrace the quirks of each age and stage... And it probably wouldn't hurt to hang out with more been-there-done-that parents for tips on chilling out.

I really am so lucky.
He is such an awesome little guy.