20 AMAZING Halloween Pumpkin Ideas

I am in complete awe over the following pumpkins. It is absolutely mind-blowing what people come up with when decorating these big round orange fruits!  Some don't even cut into them and still make a rad ass work of art out of them.

So without further ado...

20 Amazingly Badass Halloween Pumpkin Ideas...

This Pumpkin puts the 'P' in PLEASE do mine next year!

20 Jaw Dropping Halloween Costumes for the Whole Family (WARNING: Post Rated: W.T.H.)

When I set out to do my annual Halloween costume idea post, I came across some of the most jaw-dropping are-you-kidding-me-right-now costumes. So, after wiping the tears of laughter away from my eyes, I decided the "best of" costumes post could wait because the "worst of" was going to be WAY more fun to create.

But before we go any further... My friends, this post needs a WARNING:  A few of these costumes are just plain Epic Fail OH-Hell-No-what-is-happening-to-this-world-I-think-I-just-went-blind-with-disgust costumes. So please, DO NOT try most of these at home...

Without further ado... It's about to get UGLY...

Yeah, even the family pet is not safe from this post...

The Kids...

So, you are trying to tell me that not only am I NOT going to be a princess...
I'm basically going to be a douchebag?

Mom, I think I need some pants. 

WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME! 

NO...
 This is not acceptable in ADHD therapy.

Please, the person behind the camera, tell me why... Please.

Sweet mother of Mercy.
I thought cloning was illegal?

OK. 
So.
I love this.
How freaking easy!

Mom and Dad 

Mom... Dad... Don't.

Dad, GO HOME!
And take your little friends with you.

Dude. Really?

So that's how Octomom does it...

REALLY? Why?
Wait...
Is that Lady GaGa?

Sponge Bob's lawyer called...
You are in big trouble when the Cops, Crimes against Cartoons, and CPS are finished with you.

The only thing I am sure of right now...
 is that...
It's holding a beer.

Take a close look...
This is the asshole that ruined clowns for EVERYONE!

Mom... Dad... Good luck paying the therapist's bills.

Family 

And 'Father of the Year goes to...
Not this guy.

Indeed there is a good explanation for this. 
Surely.

Um. Well...
I guess this dad can have the award.
His kid is covered up, and so is he.

OK, this is actually genius...
As long as they are not the beginning of the Zombie Apocalypse.

Nope. 
No explanation will do.
None.
ZERO.

I just cannot end on this note. I have to clean this mess up before you leave. After all of those fails, we need a superhero-sized save. We need a win...

These Childhood Development Facts Will Shock + Amaze

1. If babies’ bodies grew at the same rapid pace as their brains, they would weigh 170 pounds by one month of age.

2. 60% of all the energy a baby expends is concentrated in the brain. Birth-to-three is the fastest rate of brain development across the entire human lifespan.

3. The average child will grow in their baby teeth by three and lose them before turning thirteen.

Primary Teeth Development Chart
Upper Teeth	When tooth emerges	When tooth falls out
Central incisor	8 to 12 months	6 to 7 years
Lateral incisor	9 to 13 months	7 to 8 years
Canine (cuspid)	16 to 22 months	10 to 12 years
First molar	13 to 19 months	9 to 11 years
Second molar	25 to 33 months	10 to 12 years
Lower Teeth
Second molar	23 to 31 months	10 to 12 years
First molar	14 to 18 months	9 to 11 years
Canine (cuspid)	17 to 23 months	9 to 12 years
Lateral incisor	10 to 16 months	7 to 8 years
Central incisor	6 to 10 months	6 to 7 years

Food for thought: According to Truedent Family Dentistry, in Miami, FL, “Dental decay usually traces back to a high amounts of sugar in the diet and improper brushing habits. By teaching your child to brush regularly and limiting his intake of sugar, cavities can become a thing of the past." Your kids' health is an investment in their future. Not only that but teaching your child good health habits will save you large medical bills in the future.

4. Babies whose parents frequently talk to them know 300 more words by age 2 than babies whose parents rarely speak to them.

5. By age 1, a child typically understands about 70 words, but can only speak only a handful of them. At about 18 months, your toddler's spoken vocabulary starts to explode, adding new words at the astonishing rate of one every two waking hours.

6. When your toddler announces, "Mine!" while clinging to his truck in a playgroup, it's not so much a selfish refusal to share as it is a cognitive achievement. The declaration of "mine" is his way of saying he understands that you — and the other children — are separate from him.

7. Music boosts learning. Singing, listening to, and playing music improves spatial orientation and mathematical thinking.

8.  A baby has 300 separate bones at birth but by adulthood only 206. Why?

Because some bones, like the skull, fuse together later.


9. Until the age of six or seven months, a child can breathe and swallow at the same time. -
 75% of adults reading this will try to do it!

10. The average 4-year-old asks 437 questions a day!  (No big surprise there!)

Sources:

Scholastic.com
Web MD Oral Care

Parents. com

Michigan.edu

World Health Organization

Have You Created Your Family Friendly Holiday Traditions?

Whoo Hoo! The Holidays are officially here! And while, yes, I may have a hugely dysfunctional family at times, never in the world would I want to trade them for anything. I love my family dysfunction. It makes us, US! I also love the fact that now that I have my own little family, we can create our own traditions, in addition to the ones we already have with our extended families.

This year, I want to create holiday traditions that we set in stone now, so that my child(ren) will look forward to them each year, no matter how old they get.

One of my favorite childhood traditions is every year on Christmas Eve, my mom bakes a huge batch of sugar cookies that my siblings and I decorate for Santa, and now with our own children as well.  I look forward to this tradition more than any of the others. I want to create something that wonderful for my own family. I am just not sure what.  In fact, I want to create something for every holiday!


For Thanksgiving,  maybe we all make a family pie together! Not just any old Pumpkin pie, something crazy, with crazy shaped crusts. Thank you Pinterest for having one thousand bazillion pie making ideas.

Too Ambitious?
Maybe if we start this tradition now, then maybe in 20 years we can pull off kissing swans! 

Christmas is the tradition I am stuck on. I want it to be wonderful, and something we look forward to as a family. I'm thinking it's something we do as a family on Christmas Day, mid-afternoon after the presents are opened and we have all had naps.

I read somewhere the idea to hold one small Christmas gift back to give after dinner or before bed on Christmas night. I like that idea, but I want something else, something GRAND! (FYI: Wikipedia has a bunch of Christmas tradition ideas.)

For New Years, I want to have a dinner where we talk about our great achievements over the past year, our biggest lessons learned, and then talk about what our goals/resolutions for the new year are.  My hope is that in sharing all of this as a family we will encourage each other to meet our goals through the year.

Easter is about faith and family, I love this day. We go to church, have brunch, the egg hunt and the rest of the day to lounge around as a family. Still, as far as a family tradition goes, I'm thinking the night before we will decorate Easter eggs as a family.  Just us.

Oh, yes, bring on the holidays and family dysfunction!

What about you? What are your favorite traditions?

10 Things All Toddlers Have In Common

Here are ten amazing facts about toddlers. Facts I wouldn't have believed unless I witnessed them myself...

1.     Toddlers are one big mess making factory. They can stand still in an empty white room and still figure out how to make a HUGE FREAKING MESS! I sometimes think my Toddler has a magnet for crap embedded in his body, so the minute he walks through a room all kinds of crap comes flying out from every corner, and lands at his feet.  Even though I watch it happen, I cannot wrap my head around the fact that something so small can completely wreck everything in 3.2 seconds! 

2.     Toddlers think everything is awesome... for five seconds. The attention span of a toddler has to rival that of a blowfly. Every single new thing my toddler comes across is badass.  He HAS to have it. Then five seconds later, he is on to the next awesome thing.

3.     Feeding a toddler is like feeding a monkey. A picky, drunken monkey. Between the flailing arms, the poor spoon/fork usage, the food launching and the occasional bite that actually makes it into their mouth… yeah, it's monkey business. Frustrating patience-testing monkey business.

4.     Toddlers have NO use for clothing. – My kid thinks shoes, pants and socks are the dumbest damn inventions. He has no use for them. My toddler would prefer to live as a free ballin’ nudist, and that’s all there is to it.

5.     Toddlers Have NO Shame. They will stop in the middle of a large crowd to concentrate on crapping their pants. They will fart in the arms of President. (I bet at least one has done it before… this year.) They will scream bloody she-is-kidnapping-me murder the minute you pick them up to leave the park and best wishes to those that think errands will be run in a timely clam orderly fashion. They have no shame and are happy to prove it. 

6.     Toddlers are 24/7 wrecking balls. If you love something or it is just expensive, a toddler will destroy it. DESTROY. IT. Again with the magnet theory. Toddlers have a homing beacon that seeks out expensive things, danger, and trouble.  

7.     Toddlers only have an ON switch.  The minute they learn something, that new function stays on! Walking, running, dancing, talking, repeating bad words… they learn it, and Man, it's SO ON!

8.     Toddlers like everything on repeat. I have read, and re-read, the same book for days in a row.  I have watched the same Mickey Mouse Clubhouse shows so many times I know the words. Why, yes, I have tried other books and shows. He doesn’t want those, he wants his Trucks and Diggers book read front to back, then back to front...  OVER AND OVER AND OVER. Don’t even get me started on the books with buttons, but only one button will do OVER AND OVER AND OVER. I have also stood by while my toddler has gone up and down the slide four hundred thousand times. Repeat I tell you. Repeat.

9.     To a toddler, ‘No’ means proceed at your own risk. They know better, but if they really want to do something, they are going to do it. Toddlers invented the theory: It's far easier to ask forgiveness, than permission.

10.  Toddlers ensure that there is never a dull Day. EVER!  For example, yesterday morning we needed a few things from the grocery. So I made my iced coffee, got Ollie and I dressed, and left for the store. Once at the store, (shoes already off of course) the second I unbuckled him from his car seat he lunged into the front seat, knocking my iced coffee into my driver's seat, (MY seat!) then he sat in it to drive the car. (Yes. Yes, I did want to shed a tear.) With no towels on hand, I used a diaper to sop up the coffee. Then, I turn my sights to him. Of course, while I was focused on cleaning up the coffee, he was climbing around the car turning on every button and emptying out my bag. When I finally caught him, I somehow missed him crapping his pants between leaving the house and that moment. Did I cry? No. Did I lose my temper? No. This is just another day in the life of a parent of a toddler.   

Call me certifiable, but I wouldn't trade it for anything. 

Want more images of, Life With Kids Vs Life Without?

7 Thanksgiving Ground Rules For The Dysfunctional Family.

All right y’all, it’s coming. The annual trip to Dysfunction Junction. Thanksgiving.


For some of us, it's the one day of the year when the entire family comes together, to remind each other why you only get together once a year. I like to call it the annual trip to Dysfunction Junction. (It's ok, my family agrees. They won't be mad I said that. Except, maybe my mom. Sorry mom.)

For some of you, I bet you can’t wait. Most likely, you have a happy little family. Everybody gets along. All smiles. You probably don’t even have to have liquor at your Thanksgiving to make it through. Good for you. All of you. This post is not for you.

For those of us with crazy-ass family members, here are a few ground rules you may want to send out before the hoedown. 

1. Don't make it about drama. Make it about the kids. First and foremost, this is about the children. This is the one day of the year they get to see their family, play with the cousins, have their cheeks squeezed by their aunts. 

2. No pre-drinking allowed. Everybody has to show up to this godforsaken event stone-cold sober. No Headstart allowed.

3. Don't be late. Your family has been starving all day, don't be the asshole who keeps them waiting to eat. (Matthew. I'm talking to YOU!)  If you are late, you are an asshole. And should have to wear an asshole hat the entire day. Including all photos. see below. Hint people who are still just bored flex and cannot be on time lied to them and tell them you’re eating an hour earlier than you really are.  

                                              
4. The cleaner, the better. Don't come over looking to make a mess. The happiest Thanksgiving‘s are the ones where you throw the shit away at the end, not spend hours cleaning and polishing china and silver. No one should have to go all out unless they want to. The hostess should be allowed to line everything in aluminum foil or parchment paper, and use plastic plates and flatware if they want. Leave your pretensions at the door.

5. Thanksgiving should not be stressful, for anyone. If cooking Thanksgiving dinner creates too much chaos, make everyone chip in and order a premade meal. Check your local grocery and see what they offer or google Premade Thanksgiving meals in your area.

6. All Are Welcome. Thanksgiving is the one day where color, religion and all other dividing bullshit should be set aside. This is the day we break bread together and be thankful for our blessings. Set aside your differences and get along with your brothers and sisters. All of them. Life is too short to keep shitting on each other. 

7. NO DRINKING AND DRIVING! Uber, Lyft, and yellow cab are happy to get you home. In the morning, you can have your car back.  

If all else fails, do what I do, grab a bottle of wine, and sit in the corner playing a game of Thanksgiving Bingo with yourself and the bottle of wine. 

Inspired by Liam and Miley: The So Not Right Sh*t My Australian Husband and I Do To Each Other.

If you follow any social media channel at all then you know, recently, Liam Hemsworth has been posting videos of himself scaring Miley Cyrus. It's so bad, but for me, so relatable. In other words, my Australian husband and I do the evilest shit to each other, too! Of course, it’s all in good fun. But, sometimes, only one of us is having fun. 

In order from when we met, some of the shittiest things we’ve done to each other:

Green Apple Splatters

While I certainly love a good Pale Ale, I also like fruity drinks. One of the first fruity drinks I had in Australia was a green apple flavored malt-ish beverage. Adam told me they were called, Green Apple Splatters. So the next time we went grocery shopping, while we were checking out he told me to go over to the liquor store, (he actually called it a Bottle Shop because that’s what a liquor store is called in Australia) to get my new favorite, green apple splatters.

When the bottle shop attendant asked me what I wanted, I said, "Green Apple Splatters." She looked at me confused. I told her that they were green apple flavored in bottles. She walked me over to the beer section, and the two of us started looking for green apple splatters. Within a minute, Adam walks up, and I tell him we can’t find them. He breaks out into a fit of laughter, then tells the girl exactly what it is that I’m looking for. She then breaks out into a fit of laughter.

I look at him. Now I’m the one confused. He says, "We call them green apple splatters because the next morning you splatter the toilet bowl when they run through you."


Payback, my first Thanksgiving in Australia.


Two days before my first Thanksgiving in Australia, while having dinner with my mother-in-law and two brothers-in-law, Adam says, "We want to do something special for you for Thanksgiving. How do you celebrate? What can we do to make it just like home?"

I told him that in America we dress up as Cowboys, Indians, and Europeans and have a huge battle in the backyard. Whoever loses has to do the dishes. They asked me questions, and I answered them to my best of lying abilities. The next day, when I was bombarded by the family with what they were going to wear, how they were going to battle, I came clean. I let everybody know it was bullshit. We ended up going to an American-style restaurant and ate a ton of french fries and fried chicken. #GoodTimes

His payback, Sea Same Chicken
 
Something that really amazed me living in Australia was that people thought American accents were "melodic and beautiful." They love to hear me talk. I once had two kids stare at me like I was an alien because they’ve “never met an American in real life.” 

So one night, shortly after meeting my husband’s best friends, Mr. J and Mr. D, we had a little get together and decided to order Chinese takeaway. My husband insisted that I do the ordering because they would love to hear an American. I went right along with it.

They gave me the order, which included sesame chicken. Except, Adam swore up-and-down it was called, SEA SAME chicken. His damn friends agreed. Y’all, I goddamn ordered the SEA SAME chicken. Needless to say, he and his mates full-on pissed themselves laughing.

My payback, fireflies.

When I brought Adam back to the States for the second time, it was mid-June. I had a third-floor walk-up with a really nice balcony overlooking a park. Not long after we arrived back, I hear him yell out, "Baby! Come here!" I could tell by the tone of his voice something was not right. I run out to join him on the balcony when he points out to mid-air and says, "Did you see that?"

I have no idea what he’s pointing at. A few seconds later, a firefly blinks right in between us. He points at it and yells out, "That! That bug just lit up!"

I said, "Oh yeah, they are government bugs. They take photos of us periodically."

Mortified, he runs inside and sits down at his computer. A few minutes later I hear him yell out, "They're bloody fireflies."



All of these things happened within the first two years of us being together. We’ve been together 10 years, and we still strive to shock the shit out of each other, trick, or scare each other every chance we get.  How else are we supposed to keep it interesting?

Bottom line:  Australians are a breed their own, and I’m so thankful that I get to call one my husband.

Oh! And for those of you shocked by Miley Cyrus saying, "C*NT," in Australia it's the equivalent of "bitch" in the states. Aussies will completely disarm an American of the word in two weeks or less.

10 Ways Toddlers Put The 'T' in Toddler

Here's another repost from our beloved toddler days. 

Read: (How I survived with my sanity is miracle-ish.)

While talking with a fellow mother of a toddler, I made the joke that my toddler put the T in Toddler. Then I started rattling off a whole slew of other "T" words that my toddler fits, well, to a T! 

Below are, 10 Things the "T" in Toddler stands for. (Definitions, provided by the Merriam Webster Dictionary.)

1. Terrorize: v. To cause (someone) to be extremely afraid. If it's not what my toddler might say, it's what he might do that keeps me VERY afraid!

2. Tester: n. One that tests or is Used for Testing. Nothing gets by him without his own investigation. He needs to touch, question, play with... everything must be tested! 

3. Traitor n. 1. : one who betrays another's trust or is false to an obligation or duty 2: one who commits treason.  A Toddler will throw anyone under the bus.  If they are not calling out someone, they are telling their business. 

4. Talkative: a. Tending to talk a lot or to enjoy having conversations with people. HE NEVER STOPS TALKING!

5. Tameless: a. not tamed or not capable of being tamed. The child cannot be tamed. Nope. It can't be done.  

6. Tantrum: n.  an uncontrolled expression of childish anger: an angry outburst by a child or by someone who is behaving like a child. I'd say Merriam and Webster pretty much just summed it up. 

7. Tardy: a. Slow in moving, acting, or happening. For some reason when I tell my toddler it's time to go, he hears, sit down and starts playing with toys. 

8. Truthful: a. containing or expressing the truth  A toddler will tell you anything you want to know. They will even tell on themselves!  They will also tell on you, so beware.

9. Thieves: n. One that steals especially stealthily or secretly. You have seen the toddler Rules of Possession right?

10. Theatrical: a. Behaving or done in a way that is meant to attract attention and that is often not genuine or sincere.  OhMiLawd!  The theatrics! A toddler can give an Oscar-winning performance at the drop of a hat. It's pretty amazing really. A toddler can go from full tear meltdown to excited and laughing back to meltdown. On queue they can do just about anything... but go to sleep of course.