10 Awesome April Fools Day Pranks

Being that my name is April, I have a very tumultuous history with April Fools day. During my early years the kids at school taunted me, saying I was such a fool I had an entire day named after me.  I was young, so of course I got upset and cried and went through all of the emotions the kids were hoping for. Assholes.

Then as I got older, I learned to turn the day around into being a day that was made just for me, a day to fool the fools. Here are my top 10 favorite Awesome April Fools Day Pranks!


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TURN IT UP! I promise you it will feel so good.

Have you ever been driving in your car alone and found yourself singing along to your child’s CD?  Do you find yourself humming the Itsy Bitsy Spider well after getting out of the car?  Yes?  Well… Sweet!  I thought it was just me!


NEWS FLASH: Punxsutawney Phil lied. Tips for Surviving Cabin Fever...

Every morning when I go into Oliver's room to pull him out of his crib I think, Awe what a sweet face!  It's a new day...Now what the hell am I supposed to do with you? My baby-toddler-man-child needs so much stimulation now.  He needs to run, jump, climb hills, leap over small buildings, smash things, kick ass, take names and then write a tell all.  So far I can help him with the running part by playing chase around the house, but the rest...I am in WAY over my head! So when Punxsutawney Phil predicted an early spring I did the happy dance.

Clearly that little furry S.O.B. LIED! So no big surprise when I read that Punxsutawney Phil was being indicted on fraud charges for lying to the country about having an early spring. (True Story)  But due to technicalities, the the charges were dropped.


Yay for family fun days!

Hiya everyone!  Good news... Apparently all I needed was a little sun and warmer air to get me out of bed and on the mend. Today was a beautiful day filled with warm(er) air and a luscious bright blue clear sky, so FTD and I decided to take Ollie out for some serious park playtime to try to fight the RAGING cabin fever. It worked!!

I thought I would share some of the photos we took... I hope these photos of my little bull dozer bring a smile to your face and heart like they did for me!!

And he's off...


Forgive me friends for I suck. But people who use the term Ginger suck even more in my book!

So, today is supposed to be the next awesome installment in F.I. FRI which incase you do not know, means Eff It! Just because I am a mom blogger doesn't mean I always have to talk about parenting.  However, in case you haven't noticed, this week I have been slacking... I have only talked about parenting once, and published two product reviews and that's it, just three posts!  Super out of character I know.  I have been feeling so run down all week.  I don't feel sick, or have any flu like symptoms, I am just worn ass out and sleeping like ka-ka. (It's time for a new bed... and warm sunny weather.) Anyways, I am going to have to say F.I. to any real post today, because I am too much of a worn out dope to make sentences stream together long enough to make any real sense.

I'm sorry I will get my shit together... and I promise when I do, I will write like a super hero and bust out some awesomeness... you know how I do! For now, I am sorry.  I have to go crawl back in bed and pray that FTD lets me stay there...


Beauty Tips and Tricks... from wraps to aliens. Don't try this at home.

Monday Memories

The lovely Lily at It's a Dome Life has decided that today's Monday Memory prompt with Quirky Chrissy should be, What ridiculous thing have you done in the name of beauty.  Um, I'm 34... I'm a survivor of high school acne, peer pressure, beauty magazine obsession and currently have wrinkles, cellulite, and hateful grey hairs threatening to start a movement...  What the hell haven't I done in the name of beauty?

I have tried so many ridiculous things that there is no way I could possibly pick just one. In fact, I wouldn't be your faithful friend and blogger if I don't tell you about most of them.  You deserve to be saved from my poor choices, and unnecessary expenditures on full-of-shit beauty products and weight loss gimmicks.


True Story: Why my family may have a restraining order issued by the Girl Scouts of America

As most of you know FTD is Australian. (Please Read: Fresh off of the boat and constantly claiming cultural confusion when he misbehaves-which is daily.) Lately, thanks to the winter boredom, he has been exceptionally out of control.  When I call him out on his horrible behavior he puts on his best deer in headlights look of confusion, then feigns ignorance or even worse, insists that what he just said was ok because thanks to his accent, "They cannot understand what I am saying anyway."

Well, thanks to his big mouth, we may have a restraining order issued by the Girl Scouts of America, because in this case he used noises and hand gestures to drive home his point... You all, I can not make this shit up...

Picture it sunny afternoon, FTD, Ollie and I are heading into the grocery store-FTD is holding Ollie... As we approach the door, a sweet little girl scout comes up to us and says, "Would you like to buy some Girl Scout cookies?"

FTD: "Sure!"

Girl Scout: "What kind would you like?"

FTD: "Oh I don't know, what is your favorite kind?"

Girl Scout: "Tagalongs!"

FTD: "Taga-LOGS!"

Girl Scout: "No! Tagalooooongs!"

FTD looks at the girl scout, then to her mother and says, (and I shit you not) "Tagalongs?  Ha! In Australia a Tagalong is a Pfffffffft (imagine a very loud very long fart sound) a poo in your pants!" Then slaps his ass.

Being that I am used to this atrocious behavior, and know exactly where this conversation is going- imagine a shit covered hell-- I grab Ollie out of FTD's hands, apologize and immediately walk into the grocery.

FTD finds me a few minutes later acting all confused by my frustration.  He insists that a Tagalong is a poo that stays attached to your ass after "a massive dump" and that "It is not his fault if the Girl Scouts name their biscuits after a shit in your pants!" I know better by now then to point out the obvious... he knows damn well what he has done!

Needless to say, when we checked out I got cash back so I could reinforce my sincerest apologies to the girl scout's mother by buying a couple of boxes of cookies...  As we walk out of the grocery, the automatic door opens and before the unsuspecting girl scout can open her mouth, FTD says, "We will have two boxes of TagaLOGS please!"


I add a box of Samoas to the mix, pay and grab FTD before he digs a hole so big we have to buy the entire inventory.

Once we got into the car I attempted to scold him (through fits of laughter) he half ass apologized by admitting that maybe it was a Tagnut not a Tagalong he was thinking of, so not to worry because it would not happen again...

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

You all... I am raising a child with this man-child!

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I am so much more than a mom and parenting blogger

Yesterday FTD and I were discussing my post about my frustrations with the dirty media, when he said, "What does that have to do with kids or parenting?"

Instantly I said, "Everything! I don't want Ollie watching the news when it plays out like a Quentin Tarantino film!"

FTD said, "No, that is not what I mean... that post is just very opinionated about the news sucking in general, not how it affects our family that is not very Mommy Blogger-ish."

I asked FTD why I couldn't write what I wanted? Why do I have to stay in the mommy or parenting box?  I am so much more than a mom or a parenting blogger! I have lots of other things to say, I should be able to write about them. It's my damn blog, I can do what I want!


What the Hell...I have had it with the Media! I'm having a sit-in!

I figure while I am still in a ranting mood from yesterday's blog post, I would just keep the free therapy rolling...

Today I need address my issues with the News Media. I have touched on my love hate relationship before in my Open Letter to the Media, when they turned the grieving town of Newton CT into a media circus, but today I need to address the ridiculousness as a whole.


Mothers can be the worst kind of bully

Being a parenting blogger I think it is important that I am available to my readers. I always encourage them to not hesitate to contact me with any questions or concerns they may have. Over the past year, the one issue I have been contacted about the most is mothers being bullied into thinking they are parenting all wrong by friends, mother-in-laws, strangers on the street, women at the park and even doctor's office nurses!  I have decided it is time to address this issue, because it has got to stop!


Monday Memories... Sneaking out...

This week's Monday Memories prompt is, "Sneaking Out" or if you head over to Quirky Chrissy, you can read about sneaking in... Which I have to agree with her, can be much harder than sneaking out!

This prompt came from our discussion a couple of weeks ago about ideas for prompts, I threw out First cars, and then immediately followed with sneaking out, because my first car got me super busted.  It actually told on me...


4 Steps to My Infinite Bliss and One Minute to your Good Karma!

So this whole being a finalist for a Weblog Award... Is so far beyond EPIC I am still in shock!  (For those of you who do not know, I am a finalist for a "Best New Weblog of 2012" Weblog Award a.k.a. the Oscars of Blogging, a.k.a The Bloggies... Like I said, EPIC shit!)  

I really cannot get over the fact that I am a finalist. I mean, somehow First Time Mom & Dad is ONE of FIVE nominated weblogs.  FUUUUUUU....dge. Seriously, I already feel like a winner! But, I am not technically a winner yet, so its time to get my shit in gear and start whoring for votes since the voting closes in a week! March 17, 2013... Yeah, I know I should have started this Angelina Jolie leg out whoring already.... So here goes.


Pick me up! Put me down! Pick me up! Put me down!

Ollie was never a clingy baby. He never really went through the separation anxiety phase, and for the most part, happily put up with strangers poking him.  Even from the time he could crawl and sit up by himself he was happy to play by alone a few feet from me, as long as he could see me, or at the very least hear me.  Well, lately that has changed, with a vengeance!   He is super needy, bouncing at my feet, begging and clawing at me to pick him up... then he wants to get down... then back up.... back down...

While I love holding my big boy, have you seen him lately? I threw my back out trying to keep up with him!
Poor guy, looks like he is pooping in his posing pants!


The very best advice for New Parents-DWYGD!

(The one question readers ask me all of the time is,"What is your best advice for new parents." Being a (new) first time parent myself, I never felt like I was the best person to answer that question. However, now that I have survived the first year of parenting I think I have enough experience (read: screwed up enough and have been peed, pooped and puked on enough) to give a well informed answer on the first year of parenting. So without further ado, my very best piece of advice for new parents...Because they do not get enough...)

Do what YOU gotta do. That's it. DWYGD!

It's Ollie Wonka!


WAY more than you ever needed to know!

The beautiful and wonderful Lily at It's a Dome Life tagged me in a post asking me to answer a few questions about myself.  Besides the fact that I adore Lily and would do near anything to make her happy, I like answering questions, so I am more than happy to oblige. Plus, I ask a lot of questions so it's only fair I answer a few myself. So here goes...

(WARNING: You may find this ass-numbingly boring to read. Proceed only if you have NOTHING else to do.)


Monday Memories... Joyriding

Monday Memories

Today the Queen of Quirky, Miss Chrissy, at Quirky Chrissy, the mother of Monday Memories, has agreed that today's prompt should be "First Cars and Joyrides". Let me just start by saying, I was a typical joyriding dumbass teenager. I wouldn't eat lunch so I would have extra gas money to pull victory laps around my town. So, when it comes to joyriding memories, I have a volumes! However, when ever I think of joyriding, one distinct memory in particular always comes to mind....


Whoa! Did I just get lapped by a toddler?

It all happens so fast.  Babies go from being newborn slugs to floppers and then crawlers.  Then the crawlers turn into cruisers and finally walkers. All of this happens in just a matter of months.

I have loved watching my little baby become this mobile little deviant toddler. He thinks sitting still is for losers and stays fast and loose all day long.  To be honest, I didn't mind chasing his mobile mayhem bottom around so much at first. I need to lose a few pounds around the ole butt-gut.  (That's right sometimes I look in the mirror and think my ass is on backwards. I'm working on it!) However, my delight in Oliver's need for speed ended when the little bugger lapped me in Target!


Humbled! Humbled! Humbled! I am so humbled!


So... It turns out that I am a finalist for a 2013 Weblog Award, aka the "Bloggies". I am one of five finalist chosen for "Best New Blog of 2012". This is big. EPIC! Think the Oscars of the weblog world. The Bloggess and Perez Hilton are finalist. Parenting Illustrated with Crappy Pictures and People I Want to Punch in the Throat are finalist. And so am I? Holy shit!  So. Am. I!

Baby's First Haircut. I cried. I shouldn't have.

"HE CUT HIS HAIR!  HE CUT MY BABY'S HAIR!"  I yelled into the phone at my sister.  My sister, my older and wiser mother-of-two sister, calmly told me to get over myself, it was inevitable. Just as she had calmed me down and talked sense into me, FTD yelled from the other room, "Come see he doesn't look like a baby anymore, he looks like a MAN!"  Ok, y'all. So now, not only did FTD cut my baby's hair, he turned him into a man?! Oh. No. He. Didn't!

Before I tell you about wanting to plot FTD's slow painful death, I will tell you how we got to the haircut in the first place...

Need I say more?

New Mommy Autonomy Accountability starts now!

I keep finding myself in conversations with strangers, where I refer to myself as,"a new mother".  So imagine their surprise when they say to me, "Aww that's great! Congratulations!  How old is your baby?"  Me: "um...er...12-months." How completely stupid I must sound! I am not a new mommy. Not. Even. Close! So then, why do I keep referring to myself as one? What the hell is wrong with me? It is time to stop hiding behind the excuse that I am this way or that, or do things this way or that way, because I am a new mother.  I officially declare March New Mommy Autonomy Accountability month!

Here are my the three biggest 'New Mommy' cop-outs that have got to go!