Shit Wars

Shit Wars

A long shit time ago, In a shit galaxy far far away...

Shit Wars

The Phantom Menacing baby SHitS 

G’day Ladies, Gents and Shit fans.  First Time Dad here for your daily baby enlightenments!

If you haven't guessed it yet, today’s post is about SHIT!  Baby shit that is! Black gold, texas tea etc etc.  Three months in and I've experienced all kinds of shit.  Sad shit, happy shit, runny, wet, dry, crunchy, stringy, green, black, orange, nutty, odourless and stinky shit!

SHit (as we all know) can be funny or sometimes gruesome but I was never prepared for the vast amounts of time that I've recently spent with shit.  In light of this magnificent understanding, today I've decided to share with you all my ratings of shit - The good and the bad, the happy and the sad. As a 21st century DAD, Which shits should you deal with and which should you pass on to Mum? READ ON GENTS!!!


1.   The black-tar 1st shits        **  BAD  ** Sticky and thick, attaches easily to the wipers' skin. Hard on the eyes and disturbing...hand over to mamma!

2.   The green sloppy shit        **  OK   ** AKA "Green apple Splatters".  Mildly interesting, easily wiped. Pretend that you're cleaning up pickles.

3.   The Seedy orangey Shit        **  OK   ** Where the HELL do the seeds come from? Very interesting to inspect!, extra wiping required - Medium Level Shit

4.   The DIAHORREA             **  BAD  ** A Sinister shit - can be many coloured and offensive to the palette.  Do NOT attempt! requires a woman's touch! PASS!

5.   The DRY Shit            **  OK   ** STicks HARD to the buttock, requires many wet-wipes. You almost wanna get some 80 grit sand-paper on it - Medium

6.   The Nugget            **  OK   ** Like a few marbles rolling about in your pocket.  No Big deal! If you're skilled you can re-use the diaper! Easy!

7.   The Chocolate Runway        **  BAD  ** Right up the back of the crack and over the top of the diaper! BAD NEWS ! Take one look for research and Pass to Mum!

8.   The Nose Bleeder        **  BAD  ** A reeking stench of rotting flesh, a tramps pants and a Thailand public toilet in one! Call the Mother-in-law ASAP!

9.   The Garden HOSE            ** WORST ** The jet of hot steamy shit spraying all over the change table, your hands, the wall, stuffed toys and your clean shirt.

10.  The Phantom Shit        **  OK   ** Squirmy, noisy, squeltchy, bubbling FART that (when the diaper is removed) never faecally materializes. A ghost shit!

11.  The Depth Charge        **  BAD     ** Any of the above BUT done in the toddler bath! The ironic mix of soap and shit is a new dad's worst nightmare!


Of course, there are many more variants, colours, styles and tastes but these are the more exciting and memorable moments of the past 90 or so days.  If you've had an awesome shit tale why not comment below and share it with the other readers.  I'll see you all for some awesome shit blog-interwebs soon!

Au Revoir shit-fans!


Mommy (and Daddy!) Fail #5

Mommy (and Daddy!) Fail #5

Today I met the hubs and his family, in from Australia, for lunch at a local deli. When I walked in I gave hellos and hugs and then of course gave Ollie a big smile and kiss.When I leaned in to him I thought I smelled a stinky booty, but it was not that bad so I left him with dad, placed my order and ran to the restroom to wash my hands. When I got back to the table dad had Ollie dangling out in front of him about a foot. Oliver had crapped his diaper and over flowed on dads lap. FUNNY!

Of course the hubs is begging me to take him, but after one look at his lap I laughed and said, “Hell No! I can see what he did to you. Why would I sign up for that?!” I grabbed the diaper bag and told dad to follow me to the restroom so I could change Ollie. I was in work clothes and the damage had already been done to dad, no way was I carrying him to the loo. Obnoxious dad walked through the deli with Ollie dangling a foot out in front of him crying the whole time about his shorts. I couldn’t stop laughing!

As I opened the door to the restroom I realized there was no changing station. There was nowhere to change him in the small bathroom except the floor. NOT HAPPENING! I turned back to dad, still dangling Ollie and told him we were in need of a fast Plan B. Dad said, "what about the car?" Brilliant! Me, dad and dangling Ollie b-lined for the car. Of course since it was lunchtime the parking lot was packed and there was no way to change him in the front or back seat easily. Good ol’ dad still full of great ideas says, “What about the trunk?”

POP! Trunk is now open, changing mat laid out and the eagle has landed! I pull off Oliver’s clothes and slowly peel open the diaper. The whole time crybaby dad is telling me, “there is no way there is any shit in the nappy, it’s all over me bloody shorts!” Of course the diaper is full! What’s not full is the wipe container. There are three left. I need 300! Finally dad cracks a smile because he knows the chances of me getting poo all over me trying to clean up the diaper explosion were pretty good.

I use the filthy diaper to wipe as much off as possible, then use every ounce of real estate the wipes have to offer to finish the job. A few minutes later, dad’s shorts are a loss, my hands need a hot water scrub down, and Oliver is smiling and cooing in the trunk of the car. I was going to have dad take a picture for the baby book, but we both agreed that a picture of our 3 month old son in the trunk of the car, smile or not, was going to say 1000 of the wrong words. We settled for a high five and got to work on the next mission, feeding Oliver.

I went the restroom first to wash my hands, got Ollie back from dad and then went to the cashier to asked for a coffee cup of hot water. I went back to the table just as my lunch arrived, popped the bottle in the cup of hot water to be warmed up and started to eat my sandwich ,full of mommy satisfaction. Dad returned a few minutes later with wet shorts and a little less satisfaction. The Aussies were impressed since they know we are clueless. Yeah so maybe we stuck our son in the trunk of the car, we still solved the problem, no harm no foul. As usual mommy fail equals lesson learned!


My Baby is three months old today!

My Baby is three months old today!

I cannot believe how fast the time has gone by, but it’s true Oliver is three months old today!

At three months old he is…

  1. Nearly 25 inches long.
  2. Nearly 16 pounds!
  3. Not completely bald but close! He still is loosing his hair in funny tufts.
  4. Still exclusively breastfed.
  5. Is sleeping about 16 hours a day total.
  6. Not showing any signs of sleeping through the night, BOOO! He sleeps his first stretch starting at 7 or 8pm – and goes to 1 or 2am then the next for 4 hours and then he is either ready to rock and roll at 5 or 6 am or hell to get back to sleep.
  7. He smiles at me when he hears my voice or when I am staring at him smiling too.
  8. He coos sounds of happiness and kind of yell-coos sounds of bored or annoyed.
  9. Is wearing 6-9 month old clothes. 0-3 onesies turn into baby thongs on him.
  10. He is wearing #2 diapers. Though daddy got #3’s because he is now 3 months and he thought that’s what the number meant! LMAO!
  11. He’s reaching out for things we put in front of him but not quite grasping and holding on yet.
  12. During tummy time he is lifting himself up and looking around, he is also moving his legs like he is ready to start trying to crawl.
  13. He is holding his head up really well, but he cannot keep it there,
  14. Focusing on objects and clearly trying to process what it its.
  15. Trying to stand up on my lap and loves pushing off of my hands when he is having tummy time.
  16. He only cries when he is hungry, tired or bored. If I am a good mommy he rarely cries!
  17. Refuses to go to sleep in his crib for the night if it is light in his room. I have had to by light blocking curtains to trick him into going to sleep. 2 points mommy!
  18. Is eating 5 ½ ounces of milk nearly every three hours! Mommy is busy!
  19. Flailing his arms and legs nearly 20 hours a day! Yes, even in his sleep. It’s constant. I have had to stop watching the monitor or I will go cross-eyed staring for so long!
  20. He it the light and pure joy of my world and is teaching me the meaning of life!


3 months postpartum-What to Wear?

3 months postpartum-What to Wear?

I’m hitting the three-month postpartum point and I am still at least two sizes larger than my pre-baby days.  I am also changing over from winter to summer clothes and do not have the comfy stretchy maternity clothes to go with the change.  It’s time to start being honest about what is really going on in regard to my weight, and what I plan to do about it.

As a new mother who is still breastfeeding, working full time and in between trying to find time to be a wife, I have very little time to add a workout into the mix.  My only saving grace at this point is that I am still breastfeeding.. While I have heard it helps to loose the baby weight, it’s not a rapid solution.  My body has also morphed into the strangest “pear shape.”  I have a massive ass and thighs, narrowing waist and massive boobies. I cannot find a pair of pants to fit me to save my life!

The bigger issue next to my big ass is my massive milk factories.  I don’t need the “Big and Tall” store, I need the “Big n’ Tits” store! I cannot fit well into any tops. If it’s form fitting then my poor boobies get smashed into looking like a speed bump on my chest or if I get a shirt big enough for the boobs the bottom is SO unflattering I might as well throw a tarp over my head.

 Conclusion & Solution…

My shape is the funniest looking Pear shape I have ever seen.  I want to cry!  P.s. you are officially attending my pity party, thanks for coming! 

What I plan to do about it- NOTHING!  I don’t plan to do a damn thing.  I cannot find the time to eat well or sleep, so how in the hell am I supposed to find time to exercise?  I cannot find time to go to the grocery, dad does that, so actually getting a stock of healthy choices is like pulling teeth.  Dad thinks corn dogs somehow cover all 4 food groups on a stick!

I am left at the mercy of time and my faith in “This Too Shall Pass.”  I know my body today is not it for the rest of my life.  A time will come when I can go to the gym and the grocery store.  For now, I am trying to look in the mirror as little as possible, go for family walks as much as possible and buy new clothing pieces that fit when ever possible.  

Pregnancy- the gift that keeps on giving well after baby is born.



Enjoy every second...

Enjoy every second...

I have heard so many times from friends, family and even strangers, while standing over Oliver, "enjoy every second, because they go way to fast.” I have certainly learned that the hard way over the last 11weeks. I cannot believe how fast the weeks have gone by. My little guy is already trying to walk and talk! I am really trying to slow down now and love and embrace every second…

... Yes, even the seconds that I get peed, pooped or spit-up on. The seconds that seem like hours when my baby refuses to go to bed. Or while nursing the seconds that last 45 minutes, EVERYTHREE HOURS! The beautiful seconds when he smiles and coos at me, squeezes my fingers and melts my heart when he looks in my eyes.

It's true the past 11 weeks have gone by in the blink of an eye. Even though I am so tired of dragging my tired ass out of bed every three hours to nurse him, I know in my heart I will miss it some day. So now when I slide out of bed I try to remember to embrace it. I hold my baby a little closer and longer before putting him down to nap. I’m loving bath time, playtime, spit-up time, fussy time, and feeding time more than ever.

Every second with my beautiful son is precious! My baby that will be three months old this week! Which I believe means that at three months my Newborn is no longer a “newborn”but just an Infant! (Insert me sobbing)

So I tell you my friend, next time you are covered in puke, pee and poop that somehow simultaneously shot out, embrace that because one day when your bub is a teenager screaming at you, you will wish you were covered in baby puke, pee and poop instead.

Seriously, enjoy every second good or bad because they are special and go way too fast.


What has First Time Dad been up to you ask...

FTD has been slacking and acting like a big child, as usual. He promises to start writing more...

This is an email he sent to our family and friends today. Every week he sends an update of photos over seas to our family in Australia.  I nearly died when I opened it.  FTD has issues.

"Ollie 11 weeks old!"

Guess what dad got for his birthday.


Mommy Power Hour!

Mommy Power Hour!

It’s time to institute the Mommy Power Hour! The Mommy Power Hour is one-hour everyday that is yours. You let your partner take care of the baby while you do whatever you want!  Preferably this hour is the same time everyday. This way you and your partner know it’s coming, going to happen and you are not going to be available AT ALL! Yes, I know for some, especially single moms and mothers of multiples, this may sound close to impossible.  But, even if the hour is after the baby/kids are asleep, you have to take 60 minutes to do something for you.

This all came about because I am sick of being so incredibly exhausted by the end of the day.  I take on more than I need to and realize that now. I need to let dad do more of the work at night.  I need to stop thinking that I am in a constant race with dad to get to Ollie first the second he makes a noise.  I need to realize that daddy can give baths too, and when I’m finished feeding rock baby Awesome-ness to sleep. I need to delegate more and stop taking on so much unnecessary stress and worry.

The power hour is meant to do two things. 

  1. Give me 60 minutes to unwind, relax and do whatever I want or need to do, FOR MYSELF!
  2. Give dad one hour to be alone, in-charge and bond with his baby.

This plan is a win win for both of us. I can learn that for an entire hour I can let go when I am at home, and let dad do his thing while I do mine.  When I am home I am “ON” full time mommy, dad is the back up.  That’s not fair to either one of us.

We have decided that the mommy power hour is the hour before Ollie’s bath time.  This means from 6:30-7:30 everyday dad has to be ON, and I get to be off.  As I type this I realize how silly this might sound, but if you are anything like me, you need to step back and let dad step in.  My hubs thinks this is a great idea.  He wants to be the one to jump up, but because I am always the first to run he doesn’t bother getting up anymore.  Now he knows he has to get up and looks forward to it.

Today I just laid in bed and read a book.  Dad just played with Ollie, watched TV with him and then gave him a bath.  I read, felt guilty (for NO reason) and then got up fed Ollie and sat down on the couch noticeably more relaxed.  The Mommy Power Hour works!  Dad also looked noticeably more puffed up in his chest.  He was feeling really good about himself getting to take care of Ollie while I was home and not have me standing over him or at the very least hawk eyeing him from the couch.  (I’m still learning to let go…)

If you need a break and your partner needs more time alone with the baby institute the Power hour.  It’s just 60 minutes out of the day, surely you deserve at least that!   


Going from mommy to me

I had no idea how much I had “let myself go” until getting ready for work yesterday. I looked in the mirror and thought shit! My hair is reaching mermaid length, my nails are broken shells, my feet are as rough as a lumberjacks, my eyebrows need to be cut with a lawn mower and the tops of my feet have bushes growing on them. GROSS! GROSS! GROSS!

I'm a fairly low maintenance chick, but the current mess I have become is a new low for me. Instantly I knew I had only two options, move to the Amazon forest or call the salon. I opted for the latter and begged for the very first available appointment!

I combed through my latest In style magazine to find the new look I wanted. I loved this color and style. A poll of my sister, BFF and hubs sealed the deal, they loved it too. I was going for glam, no more Miss ponytail!

Super hot!

I walked into the salon, drank in the beautiful smell of Aveda products and nearly started crying tears of joy. The walls lined with product and girly frills made me feel instantly like a woman again. I was gitty with the excitement of knowing in a few hours I was going to go from mommy to me!

I am the queen of wash-n-go. My make up routine takes 2 minutes, the ponytail one minutes and I'm out the door. So, when I sat down with the colorist and stylist they started talking in a language I'd never heard, product this, color that, routine this, 8 week maintenance that... Oh, did I mention that in my 33 years of living I have never had my hair professionally colored?

I thought bringing in a picture would be all I needed to break the stylist/low maintenance girl language barrier. Not so much. Still, we stumbled though the what I want, and what I’m actually going to get barrier and off to coloring I went…

Long story short, I FEEL SO DAMN GOOD! I feel like a lady-mommy not a zombie-mommy. It’s amazing what a bit of salon treatment can do for the new mother. Please if you have not already figured this out, CALL THE SALON! Go pamper yourself, even if it is just for a little bit. We have given up the last year of our lives to growing a baby and festering raging hormones, it’s time we got a little bit of lovin’ back! In fact I’m going back for a facial next week! I have never had one of those but if it makes me feel half as good as I do right now, then time and money well spent!

Go on momma indulge your inner Princess! You deserve it!


Flat out exhusted but a super hero

Flat out exhusted but a super hero

Over the last week I have gone back to work, had friends from Australia in town and thrown a big birthday party for my husband. I am so extremely exhausted my toes are tired! Since the birth of my son, 10 weeks ago, I have told my husband, "I am more tired than I have ever been in my life!" 5 separate times. Each time I am positive that I am even more exhausted than the last time I told him. Again, I am certain that today I am more tired than I have ever been in my life.

1.The first couple of weeks of Oliver’s life I was constantly up checking on him to make sure he was still breathing. Even the hubs was up his first 48 hours home scared to death he was going to stop breathing.
2.The next few weeks Oliver was up more in the day, needed more attention, more feedings and for longer periods at a time.
3. Another few weeks pass and Oliver needs even more attention during the day, eats more and is more difficult to get to sleep, still waking up every three hours to eat like clock work at night. A routine emerges so I start trying to do more things around the house and personal things I have neglected over the last 6 weeks.
4. 8 weeks he's up almost all day with short naps, eatinging every 2 1/2 hours, wanting to play more, he's non-stop!
5. 10 weeks I go back to work, have friends over from Australia and have a big weekend long party for my husband.

What was I thinking? I wasn’t, I am too tired to think. I over extended myself and am now barely a shell of a human being. I am so far gone I want to rip my husbands face off for getting to sleep longer stretches than me. I want to quit my job because it sucks and I want to sleep. I never want to have houseguests again because they turn my life and my house upsidedown. I hate people and parties and birthdays can go to hell! Needless to say I have a nasty attitude at this level of exhaustion, but somehow I keep going.

I have decided that once I became a mom I gained super human powers. One of which is high functioning in the throws of complete and utter exhaustion. My baby keeps me going, he needs me to maintain some level of sanity and some how some way I do! I am floored that I am writing this right now, but that new mother super human power has kicked in to let me keep going, even when my toes tell me I cannot. Everyday that I have been a mother I have learned something new, whether it is about my son or myself. Today I learned that apparently a new mother's exhaustion is limitless and ability to power though it I freakishly amazing!


My baby is losing his hair in a funny pattern!

I knew that babies lose hair after birth, but I thought it was all at once! It turns out, thanks no longer passing hair growth hormones, a phase called “telogen” sets in, causing a newborn’s hair to fall out, and for some baby’s all at once! The phase is immediately followed up with a new phase of hair growth.

For us, Oliver lost all the hair on the top of his head in the first 4 weeks. Then his hair stopped falling out. Now in the last week (week 9), this perfect line of hair loss around his head has formed. What got me confused is why the top, then the line around the sides, but nothing else?

Right Side
Left Side
Top Side
Ollie was born with a full head of brown hair. The new hair growth appears to be a light brown to blonde color, but who knows until it all falls out, then grows back. I just hope the cycle happens sooner than later. I wish it would have all fallen out at the same time.

I found out a newborn's hormone levels drop right after birth, which can cause the hair loss. The same applies to new moms. So if you find yourself going bald too... Good News, that's normal! > ; o

Some babies lose their hair in such a way that it never looks like they lost any at all.  The old hair falls out as the new hair grows back. So not all babies go bald, just like some are born with hair some without. Babies lose their hair in different patterns and stages from the next, and most times it grows back a different color than they were born with.

To care for baby’s hair during this phase try the following:

Don’t wash your baby’s hair every day. Particularly with newborns, there’s just no need. Aim for a quick shampoo when you bathe your baby, which doesn’t need to be more often than a couple times a week.

Be extra gentle during shampoos. Normal washing can stress hair follicles and speed up hair loss or breakage.

Detangle after bath gently with a very soft brush wide-toothed comb.

Avoid headbands or ponytails that pull your baby’s hair back too tightly, which can damage it.


Loosing the Postpartum baby weight.

Loosing the Postpartum baby weight.
I nearly titled this post DON'T GO IN THERE!! "There" being the fitting room, especially with clothes that are two sizes too small! I went shopping today and came home battered and abused by too small clothes sizes and fitting room mirrors. And it was all my stupid fault! 2 1/2 months postpartum I am in the strangest spot in regard to clothing. I'm too small (Thank God) for my maternity, but still too big (unfortunately) for my prebaby clothes.

I have some serious weight loss to make happen before the summer months arrive if I plan to fit into any of my existing summer outfits. I'm still breastfeeding so the college diet is out--crash dieting, cigarettes and caffeine. My only choice is to loose weight the old fashion way-healthy diet and exercise. This of course will include making wise nutrition choices, not over eating, try not to cheat... too much, and exercise. I'm human I never hold myself to ridiculous goals, cheating has to happen to stay on course. Crap false goals are the fastest way to sabotage the master plan and end up throwing a huge fatty fatty boom boom pity party.

I'll admit since delivery I have not made "nutritious choices" so to speak, I have just eaten what ever was available and sounded good. Sometimes that meant pizza, Mexican and Chinese take out for consecutive meals. I certainly wish I had made better choices, but with a new born and wicked sleep deprivation the fact that I even remembered to eat is a miracle.

I made a huge mistake today trying on clothes I really knew wouldn't fit, but secretly hoped magically would. Please learn from my mistakes, if you find yourself in the store in need of clothes please don't lie to yourself, get the size that will fit and don't worry about the number. I was so wrapped in the numbers that I ended up leaving defeated without clothes. Now that my pity party is over and I have a master plan to lose the baby weight, I'm going back to the store to buy a pair of work pants and weekend jeans that fit nicely regardless of size. Had I not been a chump I would have done that in the first place.

I learned an important lesson today... I am not a twenty something anymore trying to squeeze into a size too small. I am a mother now and a proud one at that. My body was a casualty of pregnancy war and I will have it back one day, providing I stick to the plan of healthy diet and exercise. So what if I'm a pudge right now? I have a beautiful healthy baby boy to show for it!


Going back to work after maternity leave.

Going back to work after maternity leave.
Going back to work after maternity leave in one word, SUCKS! In two words, REALLY SUCKS! I thought I would be glad to go back to work. Surely a stay at home mom I am not? WRONG! I spent the entire day wondering and worrying about my baby. The sad part is that he was with dad, not even a daycare!

A few years ago one of my coworkers had his first child, a daughter. When his wife went back to work they had to take his daughter their church run daycare. He told me when he dropped her off he cried. I laughed at him. He went to visit her on every lunch break he could for the first month or so. I thought the man was a freak with some serious separation anxiety. I realize now he was just being a father, a really good caring father. I know this because I could not wait for lunch to come so I could race home to my lil guy.

In America we only get 6-8 weeks off for maternity. It seems criminal compared to the rest of the world. I went back after 9 weeks and it feels WAY too early. A friend of mine in Australia emailed me to let me know she decided to go back to work after 12 months instead of 6. At first I thought that I would be ready for sure by 6 months and by 12 I'd be going crazy. Now I'm not so sure!

I love being a mother so much more than I ever dreamed. I'm not ready to go back to work yet and that's the bottom line. Unfortunately unless I win the lotto or a publishing house calls to say we love you, I have no choice. I couldn't help but think of how many other women went back to work this week. I'm sure I'm in great company with those women and as hard as it is to believe, in time I will be happier to be at work than a stay at home mom. If nothing else, for my sanity I certainly hope that's the case...


Precious MOMents

Precious MOMents

It is just amazing to me how much peace my son brings me in the simplest moments. I have spent the day solo with Ollie and have been filled with so much joy. Now that we have found a nice daily groove together our days are so wonderful. Here is a list of my very favorite mom-ents.

  1. When I walk into his room in the morning and he smiles really big when he hears my voice.

  1. Getting my lil guy to smile and "tell me stories" (coo) in the long check out line at the grocery. Everything and everyone melts away... I could stand there forever listening to his stories.

  1. Smelling and folding his tiny little clothes.

  1. Kissing his delicate baby toes.

  1. When my son is napping peacefully in my arms.

  1. Playtime brings us both so many smiles and laughs.

  1. When I'm bathing my baby he just stares at me with a content smile while I soap him up. It’s our time.

  1. Saying “nite-nite” prayers with my baby.

  1. Rocking Ollie to sleep, his soft sweet lavender smelling head tucked under my neck.

  1. Leaning over Ollie's crib after putting him down for the night, staring in amazement that he is MY perfect beautiful baby boy!

  1. Sneaking in to check on him for the 10th time and listening to his beautiful breath.

I love being a mommy! I bitched the whole way through pregnancy and I would probably bitch all the way through it again, but my son was so more than worth ever single minute! I have never in my life known so much peace and happiness.


I delivered my brain with the baby!

I delivered my brain with the baby!

“Pregnancy Brain” was my constant excuse for forgetting events and conversations I had during pregnancy. Now, somehow after delivery I am even dumber!  I know, I didn’t think is was possible either? I just apologize and tell people that I delivered my brain with the baby. I thought “Pregnancy Brain” was bad, but I have quickly come to realize that when I was pregnant at least I had a brain! 

Since delivery I have lost both my short and long-term memory. I can walk away from a conversation without any recollection of what was talked about. I am not even sure what I had for breakfast! While I think it is mostly due to the lack of sleep, I’m still incredibly embarrassed and annoyed by my current state if mindlessness!

I forget when I fed the baby, whether or not I changed him after feeding him, I forget to call people back, pay bills and if I don’t make a list before going to the store I will not buy one thing I went in after! Ladies, it’s hard to admit this but… I have gone into Target and only spent $10!  I nearly cried when I walked out with a Shirt from the clearance rack and a bottle of water. Dear God, I feel like I sinned against womanhood! I used to walk into Target and spend $100 before aisle 10!

I joke about being a post delivery dingbat, but it has REALLY been an embarrassing situation.  I have had people tell me that they met me during my pregnancy but I cannot remember for the life of me being at the event let alone meeting them there! I lose things all of the time. What has become really frustrating is that I cannot find the words I need to tell my husband where something is or what I need, I just go blank.  Oh I hate being stupid of front of him!

I know my lack of sleep is the main culprit here, but I really think some sort of hormone is also to blame. A friend of mine said it was because I am constantly focused on my baby and what he needs.  I can kind of see how that could be true as well.  All I know is that I am a full on scatterbrain and it’s beyond annoying. I have been told this is only temporary and that my mind will return sooner than later. I need “sooner” to mean 8am Monday morning because I have to go back to work this week and with the brain I am trying to pass off…  I should be unemployed by the end of the week!



The Domestic Goddess

The Domestic Goddess

Lately the one complaint I hear the most from my new mom friends is that they feel bad for not being able to care for their house and partner well as they would like to. I know the thought has crossed my mind in the last two months more than not. I have just come to realize that a Domestic Goddess I am not.

I sit on the couch, feeding baby, look around at the dust and clutter and make grand plans to do something about it as soon as I finish the feeding. I get up put baby in a docking station and go to start a load of laundry. Then baby cries. Then the phone rings. Then I start the laundry. Then I start to pick up the clutter. Then Oliver needs to be docked in a new station. Then I go back to picking up the clutter. Then Ollie needs to be changed. Then I try to get him to take a nap. 30 minutes later he’s asleep and I attempt to eat. This cycle repeats in multiple ways everyday. I never have more than a solid 20 minutes to myself. Being a Domestic Goddess is just not going to happen with that kind of a timeframe!

A couple of weeks ago I made a goal of cleaning one room aday. I decided that I could make one room each day my focus. I would work on cleaning, dusting and washing the floors of the room with my few minutes in between caring for Ollie. This plan actually worked to get the house clean each week. The problem was that by the end of the week only one room was clean, the one I did on that day. I never felt like the whole house was clean.

I just do not see how it is possible to get everything that needs to be cared for around the house in a day well cared for. I used to have high hopes of getting my to-do list completed each day. Now my To-do list just has one thing on it, Take care of Oliver. I have come to the rationalization that this time in my life is meant to be spent caring for my son and with the left over time, care for myself. My husband and the house have to care for themselves! Worrying about all of the stuff I should be doing is a waste of time, because I just don’t have the time to do it all.

I realized that I was the only one freaking out about everything not being in its place. My husband doesn’t even know that things have an actual place. I try to keep the floors and the kitchen clean, the cracks, crevices and constant flow of laundry are just going to have to wait until I have the time. When I get overwhelmed by it all I remind myself that, This To Shall Pass! My inability to be a Domestic Goddess is temporary. I will be back to running a tight ship before I know it. And so will you…


Mommy Fail #4 No Infant Tylenol/Pain Reliever

Mommy Fail #4 No Infant Tylenol/Pain Reliever

Oh, this fail may be my worst yet… NO, it is!  I was warned that at our 2-month well baby check up we would get vaccinations.  That warning came with instructions to give baby Tylenol if he gets fussy.  I heard the words, I just didn’t register the fact that I didn’t have any Tylenol. 

It gets worse… When the doctor told us all of the side effects of the vaccinations he as well told us to give him Tylenol if he gets upset or runs a fever.  Then the nurse comes in to give him the vaccinations.  She, as well, tells us the side effects and mentions the ever-popular Baby Tylenol. Again, I heard the words, but not the warning I guess. Hell, I don’t know what I was hearing or thinking.  I DON’T OWN BABY TYLENOL!  Why didn’t I register that in my head?

Ollie got his shots like a champ!  He cried of course, calmed down easily and passed out. Fast forward to two hours later… Ollie wakes up from his nap screaming bloody murder.  At first I thought it was because he was really hungry.  Not so much!  Poor guy tried to eat but he was clearly way to uncomfortable to latch on to eat.  So now I have a hungry baby in pain.  SHIT SHIT SHIT!  I pull off his clothes and see that his leg is red and warm in the injection site, luckily the other leg was fine. I call the doctor hoping there is something I can do to fix this with out the damn Tylenol.  I was told to put a cool compress (washcloth) on his leg and to go to the store and get the damn baby pain reliever. 

Holy Shit, I drove like a freaking maniac!  I cut through a parking lot to avoid a light, I cussed at every idiot in my way, I was road rage at its finest hour.  When I got home I found dad and Ollie calm and quiet in the nursery.  As soon as Ollie saw me he let out a scream.  Oh, it broke my heart!  I gave him the miracle pain reliever and rocked him, careful not to put any pressure on his legs.  He finally calmed down enough to eat and then passed back out.  Poor guy slept from 3pm until 7am.  I had to wake him up for the first few feedings until he did it on his own at midnight. Thankfully, by morning he was all better. He only needed the one dose of pain reliever.

PLEASE LEARN FROM ME ON THIS ONE!  If you do not have any infant pain reliever, GO GET IT!  If you are expecting, GO GET IT! Own it or face the consequences I did.  


2-month Well Baby Check-up

2-month Well Baby Check-up
Today we had our routine 2-month “well-baby” check up. I get excited for these check ups. Its like we are going in for a test of how awesome my baby is doing, and since he is over the top awesome, it’s a chance for me to show off my baby and be told,” yep, you are right! Your baby is the most wonderful fantastic little guy to ever grace our doors!” Ok, so I say that and they nod their heads in agreement. They can clearly see that I am “one of those moms” who is psycho and will smack you if you do not agree.

The whole check-up was completely routine, weight- 13.2 pounds. 23.5 inches long. Both weight and length put us in the 75th percentile on the baby chart. which means if the doctor lined up 100 babies born on the same day as Ollie, He would be 75th in line of height and weight. My doctor said the scale is really made up from thousands of kids around the country.

I like getting a gauge of where Ollie is developmentally, but the percentile chart can be a big load of wank too. I think Oliver is in a massive growth spurt right now. He is eating 5.5 ounces of booby milk every three hours like clock work, even at night! Then the other day slept all day and night only waking for feedings. I think he is 75th today because he grew more than the next kid this week. Don’t get me wrong I am stoked to know that Oliver is developing well and my milk is more than enough to keep him on track.

Next the doc came in, looked him over and said what I wanted to hear, you know, about how awesome he was! Then he dropped a possible bomb. Ollie still has swelling in his legs and sac, which could possibly mean he has a hernia. It’s still too early to tell but it’s something we have to keep a close eye on. He’s just my lil’ breech boy, I know he will be ok.

After the doc was finished checking him out I pulled out my long list of questions…

  1. Frustrating Gas. Poor guy will wake from a deep sleep scream out, fart and pass back out… 5 times a day! Doc said it really is normal in newborns. They just are not sure how to let the gas pass peacefully so they fight it. He also asked me if I had cut Dairy out of my diet. (dairy proteins can pass through breast milk) I have except for cheese… I suck! I have even gone so far as to start drinking almond milk and eating coconut milk yogurts. I’m freaking trying over here! He gave us some special gas drops and said give him 3 at the start of the early morning feeding and see how he does.
  2. Belly Sleeping- I told him Ollie loved it, and slept really well on his tummy. Oh man did I get the “I’m so disappointed in you look.” Apparently belly sleeping is Super Bad! He said it increases the chance of SIDS/Cot death by 50%, there is no benefits to it and if he gets used to it he will sleep like that when he can roll over. Hubs has always been against me putting Ollie on his belly. Needless to say, thanks to my big mouth Ollie is on his back for good.
  3. Vitamins- I asked if I should be giving some to Ollie directly in addition to my prenatal, I’m passing to him through the breast he should be getting vitamin D and iron. There are drops you can buy in the store for infants that have both in them.
  4. Red mark on back of head- Lil man has a small circle on the back of his head and a small line along his neck that look like a bruise. Good news! It’s a cluster of capillaries that will fade over time. I was afraid it was from laying on his head for too long.
  5. Cradle Cap- Last week Ollie had a dry flakey scalp. One of my favorite Mommy Friends told me to try massaging Olive Oil into his scalp then brushing out the flakes with a toothbrush. I did it 2 nights in a row before bath and his head has been great since. The doc said he looked good and couldn't even tell there had been any dry skin in the first place. Also, once the cradle CRAPOLA is cured it rarely comes back. So, yay!

Last we got 3 rounds of vaccinations… UGH! I feel so bad for the guy. He got two shots,one in each thigh and an oral one. He had a bit of a delayed reaction but oncehe felt the burn he screamed and I nearly cried too! About a minute later he was calm and 5 minutes latersleeping. I thought it was goingto be SO much worse… it was.. stay tuned for toimorrows Mommy fail...

Our next Well Baby check-up along with another round of vaccinationsis in two months. I hate the vaccinations so much for Ollie. I hate them for me, I feel like devilmom holding him down. As much as I love showing off how awesome Ollie is, I’mno longer looking forward to these appointments. Ahh the joys of motherhood…


Goodbye Narcissistic Super Mum High Horse. Hello less anxiety and happy marriage!

Goodbye Narcissistic Super Mum High Horse.  Hello less anxiety and happy marriage!
Yesterday’s Blog, “Mother Knows Best was all about ME!  All about how I knew what was best for MY baby.  How I knew what MY baby needed, and how I needed to give it to him since not a sole was nearly as capable as I was.  I admitted to being a shit for it, I know my faults and will be the first to own up to them! What I didn’t really realize was that it is not about ME, it’s about Oliver.  Thanks to my wise and wonderful readers I realize how very wrong I am about knowing “everything” he needs to be happy.  Thank you to Anonymous, Kitten and Kiwi Mum for the wise words and well altogether Smack Down off my high horse!

The first slap came from Anonymous…

 “…You need to let your son be cared for by others so that he learns many different ways to be soothed, not just your special way. If you don't, your anxiety is going to be sky-high when you aren't taking care of him full-time anymore. You need to see that he is ok with other people caring for him... THEIR way. Also, please think about the way your actions are affecting your husband. You are essentially telling him that he isn't being a good father. And you aren't allowing your son to bond with dad in their own special way.”

Then Kitten…

“…Other people will have to take care of him and they will need to have learned how to do so. If you're always the one to settle him, you'll be the only one ABLE to settle him and then what happens when you need your mother to baby-sit one night while you and your husband have dinner together? He'll flip out...”

And dear Kiwi Mum…

“I found that if I asked dad to show me something he did well, then I could work the conversation around to something that I did well for bubs that maybe he could try next time, without insulting or offending him. 
That's just my 2 cents anyways :-) Being a mum is hard work - who would have thought that not being super mum would be the hardest part!”

Thank you all so much for helping me to realize that my high horse attitude of I can do it better than anyone else was wrong and well kind of pure narcissistic crap-ola!

I have learned three important things from each one of you that will no doubt make my life and that of my family SO much better!

  1. My husband does deserve to feel like a good dad and find his own way, which may possibly be better than mine in some ways.  (SO hard to imagine but whatever…  What?  I already admitted to being a shithead!)  He is a great dad and the very last thing I want to do is make him feel like he is not.

  1. My mother, family and friends want to care for Ollie and the time will come when I will desperately need them to as well.  If I don’t let them sort him out now it will be MUCH harder when he older he gets. And again, they may/probably will teach me a thing or two.

3.   I also need to back up myself!  I do need time to myself, anxiety free.  I will never achieve that if I don’t learn to trust other people with my son.  It’s hard now because he is so new and shiny and fun to play with and cuddle!  I don’t want to share and I do enjoy feeling like “Super mum!”  but not at the expense of Ollie’s ultimate happiness and sense of security.

From this day forward I promise to share my son, lighten up, get off my “Super mum” high horse and most of all. Let Go and Let… family and friends!  


Mother Knows Best!

Mother Knows Best!
I am just going to start by saying, I have always been a huge control freak and have issues with delegation, I have always been of the mind that it is easier for me to just do “it” myself, what ever "It" may be. That being said, I am an EPIC control freak when it comes to my son. I'm not going to even try to lie about the fact that I am positive I can care for my son better than anyone else. Yes, dad included… sorry dad.

I had heard of the whole "lioness" attitude a mother gets for her child, but I had no clue how hardcore it really was until I became a lioness myself. I keep trying to stand by and let my husband do his “daddy” thing, but I just cannot keep my mouth shut! I know what my son needs, how he wants to be held and how to quiet him in seconds and if daddy is not doing it right I tell him so! I know it may be rude to not let my husband find his own daddy methods for the madness, BUT if I know how to fix the problem then why the hell should I wait to fix it?

My shithead-ness knows no limits... I had my mom come over to help with Ollie the other day and when she wasn’t rocking him to sleep right I just went in took him from her and did it myself. In the moment it was all about calming my son and getting him to sleep. It was after the moment when I saw the hurt in my mom’s eyes that I realized how bitchy I was. It’s just so damn hard to stand by and let my son cry or fuss or need anything, especially when I know how to appease him!

I know it’s a fine line and that I need to ease up and chill out, but its rediculously hard for me! Honestly, I just don’t see why I have too. Again, if I know how to sort out my baby, why can’t I? I am trying my very best to let dad do his thing, and now my mom too (she did manage to keep me and my 2 siblings alive after all) but with everyone else… What can I say, it’s a process. ; )

The Archives

Follow by Email

Looking For Something?