What to really Expect when you are Expecting...

As some of you know (My friends, family and Facebook Fans) I am the Keynote Speaker at a Maternity Fair tomorrow.  Since Speaking is my thing I am not nervous, just having one of the hardest times figuring out what exactly to say.  Well, no, I have plenty to say about pregnancy, but since Baptist Health wants me to talk about planning and preparing for pregnancy, I keep finding myself wanting to talk about morning noon and night sickness, constipation, raging hormones that trick you into believing your husband is a whackass Ogre who should be punished and so on...  Those are not good things! At some point during writing my speech I felt like I was writing a speech for a birth control convention. Not good! 

Thankfully, after a little more thought, and bad memory suppression, I was able to come up with a few good points.  I thought I would share... 
Some of you may be asking yourself why in the hell do these people want me, of all people, to speak at a maternity fair?  Well I have four words for you.... I DON'T KNOW EITHER!

However, according to the wonderful people at Baptist Health Richmond they have chosen me to speak because they have so many doctors, specialist and professionals putting on classes, programs and demonstrations, they wanted to break it up with a little comic relief and first hand momma honesty.  For those of you who have not read my pregnancy blog Tired of Being Pregnant (dot) COM I am full of honesty and comedy in that blog (really you laughing at me kind of comedy).  So I guess after reading both of my blogs I was chosen to deliver a speech about planning and preparing for pregnancy in my own special way.  HELL YEAH! 

When I was preparing my speech I kept debating the direction I wanted to go. I came up with a few different angles I thought I would share...

1. Pregnancy:  the Good, the Bad, and the you have got to be kidding me!  
2. Pregnancy:  the Good, the Bad, and WTF?
3. Pregnancy:  the Good, the Bad, and oh that's just wrong!
4. Pregnancy: the Shit your mom is afraid to tell you.

As you can see... I may be giving them a little too much honesty... 

Anyways, on to my actual speech.

Every mother can agree with me that advice is one thing that is never in short supply when you are pregnant, so the last thing I want to do is preach to these women.  I hated that shit, so no way am I going to dish it out.  So I decided to talk about the things I learned, all by myself, while I was pregnant.  I made a Top 10 list to help guide me in my thought process.  It helps me stay on track since I only have about 30-40 minutes to say what I need to say.

(This is a VERY loose guide of my actual speech, but I thought I would share for those of you who said you wish you could be there but cannot make it... because you are in New Zealand, OZ, Italy, the UK or two states over...)

Pregnancy:  What to really expect when you are expecting...

1. Pregnancy is not an Event, it is a Process-Who ever said it was nine months was a damn liar! 40weeks=10 months Dumbass!  10 insane months that take you on the wildest most unexpected journey of your life.

2. Morning Sickness lasts 24/20- Speaking of Dumbasses...Morning sickness is really morning-noon-and-night sickness! So who ever called it Morning Sickness and got it to stick was clearly a male dumbass doctor! That shit lasts 24 hours a day for 20 weeks... or 40 weeks depending on... God knows what since no two doctors can agree on the exact cause of it.

3. Weight gain is inevitable- I don't care who you are - you're going to gain weight, so get over yourself and your size four jeans. Doctors recommend, depending on your size and weight, that you should not gain any more than 15-25 pounds. Sorry but BULLSHIT! I have yet to meet ONE woman who gained 25 pounds or less. (Go ahead leave a comment below saying it was you, because when you do, 345,987,907 other women will leave a comment right after you saying, "WOW!  Good for you, I gained 40+." Because 40+ is the average. If I can impart any real tip here, don't look at the scale, don't bother with that number, be healthy, eat right and take care of yourself, that is WAY healthier than focusing on gaining no more that 25 pounds.

4. Pregnancy induced exhaustion is Boss, you have no control- The insane fatigue that takes over during the first and third trimesters is so freaking debilitating, and since caffeine is frowned upon, plan to do EVERYTHING during your second trimester. 

5. Your hormones will rage harder than a pile of juggalos at an Insane Clown Posse concert- (Or swing more than a pile of kids on a playground, you pick...both apply.) I would have to say one of the most frustrating things about my pregnancy was the roller coaster ride of psycho hormones.  Case in point when I saw this....

I laughed so hard (because it is funny!), then I cried (because it was so true when I thought of FTD), then I got mad at FTD, then I cried (because he didn't really deserve it), then I laughed (because it really is funny). My friends, I went through that cycle of crazy mood swings in thirty seconds! SHIT! I know I speak for FTD too when I say, the raging hormones were hell on me, us, and our happy little home... Oh and every dumbass on the road.

6. Paranoia will destroy ya- I spent my entire pregnancy scared something awful happened to my baby, or was going to.  If my Morning sickness was really bad I was afraid I was going to throw up the baby (Yes, I am a freak) or when my morning sickness went away I was afraid the baby did too.  Or when he would move too much I was afraid he was having a seizure (Thanks for that Dr. Google) or when he wouldn't move I was terrified.  I got an ultra sound at 34 weeks because he didn’t move for a day- he was fine just breech and running out of room.  If I would have horrible heartburn... I mean the list just goes on.  Everyday I would worry.  SUCKED! 

7. Pregnancy cravings go WAY beyond 'Pickles & Ice Cream'- First of all, no one eats Pickles and Ice cream in the same damn bowl at the same damn time.  My only guess as to why the combo is instantly attributed to pregos is because of two things, 1. Pregs love Sweet and Salty., 2. Pregnant women crave both pickles and Ice cream, but seriously not at the same time!  Now, as for cravings in general.  When those strike, get the hell out of the pregs way!  If you are the partner of the preg, get off your ass and go find that food!  Nothing drives a preggy like a craving for a Dairy Queen Blizzard, or slice of pizza.  NOTHING! But, I have to say, I learned that the cravings were most times my body begging for dairy, or vitamins, or protein... there is a method to the madness.

8. Potty humor looses its luster- Man oh man, I love a shit or fart joke as much as the next guy, however, when I was pregnant there was nothing funny about constipation, hemorrhoids and seedy public toilets. They hit too close to home.  While it is funny hearing about a how your pregnant friend had to pee so bad she pulled into the dirtiest gas station in the scariest part of town, prepared to go toe-to-toe with the meanest gangster on the block to pee, when it happens to you...  NOT FUNNY!  True Story, I peed in the most disgusting places. I plan to recommend to the crowd that they go buy an economy pack of toilet paper and keep it in their trunk, so they can make a 'Paper Ass Gasket' over the dirty toilet seats, and have something better than sand paper to finish the job with.

9. From Princess to Pregnant to Parent: Nothing will humble you like pregnancy-A friend of mine sent me this meme the other day with the caption, "Man how times have changed!" 

I replied with, "No, it's still true. I said that the other day." Truthfully, MAN HOW TIMES HAVE CHANGED!! Nothing will humble you like being poked and prodded by numerous doctors for 40 weeks. And if that doesn't work, the massive weight gain, losing friends who are freaked out because kids scare them, swollen ankles and feet that no longer fit into your cute shoes, stretch marks, constipation, hemorrhoids, the awesome preggy waddle... and then the best part of all, complete strangers rubbing your belly like you are jolly little fat Buddha giving out wishes.  Trust me, by the end of your 40-week journey; you will be a whole new kind of princess.  

10. You may not be ready to be a mother now, but by the end of the 10 months, you will be more than ready to get on with it- I was terrified (from day one of pregnancy) of becoming a mother, but by the end of my pregnancy I was so damn ready to get on with it.  I was tired of being pregnant and ready to feel normal again! I could not wait to meet the little guy who was practicing Kung Fu on my bladder 23 hours a day. I could not wait to see this little guy I had been talking to and rubbing on for the past 40 weeks. I could not wait to meet my son

This picture actually makes me miss being pregnant, I want more of him for sure! 

I hope these poor unsuspecting people attending my speech don't get a huge dose of fear or birth control after 30-40 minutes with me. Don't worry, besides the fact that I promise not to say piss, shit of F*ck on stage,  I will add some shit about how incredible motherhood is, and how it is truly the meaning of life and such a blessing... and then I will tell them to visit First Time Mom and Dad to see just how awesome being a parent is... 

Hell yeah that's my boy!

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Two confused parents=One amused baby Hopelessly we are trying raise a baby who is clearly smarter than both of us. April is an award-winning writer and blogger. Her work has been published in over ten countries and four languages. From books to newspapers, to print/online magazines and everything in between, you can find her work. For more on April, Visit AprilMcCormick.com