My Son Heard The Two Worst Words In The English Language. Then Repeated Them.

Friday night, while tucking my six-year-old son in bed, he asked to spell words.  It’s his newest thing. He loves to spell EVERYTHING. Sometimes he spells whole sentences to communicate with me. (Thankfully, it's still way more adorable than annoying.) We went through everything I could see in his room; curtain, carpet, dresser, door, closet - I am proud to say, he got all of them right. He also got 1 million kisses and cuddles, which he ate right up.

Saturday morning, he runs downstairs and asks for new words to spell. We start in the kitchen, spelling everything I can see while making his breakfast. I get the bright idea to show him YouTube videos if Children in Spelling Bees, while he eats.

In the Living room. On our 65" SmartTV.

And this is where it all goes to shit...

I pull up the YouTube app on our TV, and search for "National Spelling Bee."

We go through a couple of the Scripps National Spelling Bee videos, but the words were ridiculously hard. Scary.

This was the word given to the runner-up in last year's spelling bee:

Bewusstseinslage-a state of consciousness or a feeling devoid of sensory components. 

I look for other videos. Something, on a much smaller scale. Something, like a spelling bee in a school. 

I see what looks to be a spelling bee at a highschool. So I click on it. 

This video was sitting right next to all of the other Scripps Spelling Bee videos. I did not change my search or do anything.

The video started with a high school age girl spelling:

Logorrhea: a communication disorder resulting in incoherent talkativeness

She spells it correctly.

Sounds legit. 

The moderator tells the three kids, they've made it to round five and calls up the next kid, then leans into the microphone and says, "Your next word is Ni***rfag**t."

I yelped then covered my mouth. I was shocked, mortified, in total disbelief. I stopped the video just before my son turns to me and says, mommy what’s Ni***rfag**t?

I thought I was gonna throw up right there. My child just said the two worst words in the English language.

It was awful, awful, awful. 

I spent two days mortified. 

I tried to find a silver lining. He said those words to me, which gave me the opportunity to cut off that language immediately. I told him how horrible, disgusting and filthy those words are, and that they broke my heart into a million pieces when I hear them. I loosely told him what they meant, and they were "Horrible nonsense words used by the worst kind of bully." I made him promise to never, ever, ever say either, then seal our promise with a kiss. 

So now, that leaves me with this YouTube situation. Which I've struggled with.

I know beyond a shadow of a doubt, I'm not the only parent who has had this happen. The bloody video comes up by searching for "National Spelling Bee." WTF? 

I reported it. I had to. It's labeled as National Spelling Bee! That's for kids! 

I shudder to think of the older children in upper-grades with free reign on Youtube, they would easily see it. This is bad. Really, bad. Uttering those words can, and will, destroy you. Imagine if your child went to school the next day and shared what they saw?

The social media monster is taking over, and the content is largely unmonitored. The safety walls in place by the developers are not working. Clearly. 

Please, take my experience as a reminder that this shit is out there, hiding in the most unimaginable places. It's imperative that we as parents be vigilant when it comes to social media to protect our children and their peers, ears.

Diaper Rash Dos and Don'ts + The Mom Hacks That Cure It

*Today I'm partnering with Swipees to talk about the Do's and Don'ts of Diaper Rash. All opinions are my own.*

I don't care how clean you keep your baby's bottom, diaper rash is an inevitable butt-bully that strikes every butt since the beginning of butts time. If a raging diaper rash is wreaking havoc on your baby's booty, don't fret and follow this a three-step process and the dos ad don'ts that make it work.

STEP 1. Stop The Madness 

How To Combat Cold + Flu Season Like A Mom-Boss

Below are seven doctor-recommended tips for preventing the Cold and Flu and, of course,  caring for sick littles. But, before I get started, my lawyer said I have to say, I AM NOT A DOCTOR!  If you or your child are sick, you should consult a real doctor, their advice is WAY better than mine. And also, Dr. Google is NOT a real doctor. I am, however, a real mother, so I would only write about the shit I know works and I fully believe in 100%.

1. Leave a low-grade fever the hell alone.  When your child has a low-grade fever (anything below 102F), DO NOT bust out the Tylenol. If anything, bust out the movies and fluids. A fever is a sign that your child has something going on, but her body is working to take care of it. The best thing to do is let the fever do its job.  Below is a recommendation from the Mayo Clinic on how to treat fevers in children:

2. Water Works Wonders. The benefits of drinking water are infinite. Especially, when you are sick. I know juice may sound better, but water works wonders for sick kiddos. Below is a list of only a few of the major benefits of drinking water while sick.

                                         

3. If it ain't green, then neither is your child. A runny nose doesn't always mean a trip to the doctor is needed. Sudden nose-flow can mean a host of things, for many, it's allergies. If everything coming out of you or your child's nose is its usual clear-ish color, then most likely it's a virus that will run its course, no need to freak out. If green slime begins flowing from your child's nose, that's a sign of something more serious and most likely needs antibiotics.


4. Limit contact with the sickos

First-timers, I know, this one is hard. As much as you want to hold, cuddle and sleep next to your sick sad baby, avoid it. The last thing you want is to be sick too. Your child needs to rest and you need to stay well. It will be over soon... as long as you don't go kissing and cuddling that baby!!!

5. Wash your hands like a maniac. Always.  

It's crucial to World health that children are taught proper handwashing techniques. I am a huge fan of the 20: second rule. Show your child how to wash their hands, tops and bottoms, and have them count to twenty simultaneously. It will help your child take their time washing, without getting bored. It's crazy, but it works!

TIP: Keep antibacterial hand sanitizer close for emergencies when out and about. Teach your child proper handwashing techniques. Or, face a winter of sickness topped with sickness and served with a side of sickness.

6. DO NOT touch your face. Or, risk a poop face. Did you know: Touching your face is the fastest way to get germs into your body? Did you know, fecal matter has been found on damn near everything our hands encounter daily, especially in public? I know, so friggin' gross! As a rule of thumb, especially during cold and flu season, DO NOT touch your face without washing your hands first.

7. Live healthy, be healthy. Eat well, stay hydrated, and wash your hands. It's really that simple. Do those three things and your chances of catching a bug are DRASTICALLY reduced. If nothing else, over the next few months, try your best to live healthy to stay healthy or else...

How do you ensure you and your family are prepared for cold and flu season?  What are your best tips?

My 5yr Told His Music Teacher Exactly What He Thought

As I was tucking my son in for bed after his third day of school, he looked up at me and said, "Mama, I hate my school."

**My heart breaks** 

Those were not the words I wanted to hear out of my son after his third day of kindergarten. "Buddy. I'm sorry to hear that. What don't you like about school?"

He stares me down with his sad eyes and says, "I was crying today and I really wanted you, but they wouldn't get you for me."

**My broken heart shatters to pieces.** 

 "Honey... What happened? Why were you crying?" 

"We had to go down to the music teachers room in the basement and I thought she was a scary old witch and it was a trap."

I honestly had to hold back my laughter. A, Trap?!?!  A friggin trap? WTF???  

"Dude. Why in the world would you think the music teacher was a witch and you were being lured into a trap?" 

I swear... My husband and the video games and shit they watch is to blame for this. 

The poor guy was so serious when he said, "Mommy, she had funny color gray hair piled on top of her head. It looked like a wig. And her face was really old. Her room was at the very end of a long hall in the basement and I thought it was a trap, so I started crying and asking for you." 

Her classroom really is in the basement at the end of the hall. I felt terrible for him. "Oh, Honey! I'm sorry you were so scared. What happened next?"

"The music teacher made me go in her room and sit on the floor with other children."

He goes on to tell me that she wanted him to do the hokey pokey and he told her no, because it made him dizzy. And she must've said something about him not getting a sticker because he told me that he told her he didn't care because he didn't like stickers anyway.

My heart broke. The poor guy. All this scary shit and I'm not there to make him feel safe. Of course the music teacher is not a scary witch luring him into a trap. But I get it, how is he supposed to know that?

I held him tight and promised him that the music teacher was a very, very nice lady and that only nice teachers are allowed in his school and that's why I picked it.

I also promised him that if he ever really needed me, like if he was hurt or sick, the school would call me straight away to get him. 

I called one of my girlfriends who has been at the elementary school with her kids two daughters for the last five years and told her the story. When she was finished laughing hysterically, she told me the music teacher was one of the nicest ladies and that she was retiring in October.

I was honestly relieved when I heard she was retiring. Not because my son won't have to be subjected to the scary lady with the fake hair, but because this poor nice woman won't have to be subjected to an asshole kid telling her she is scary with fake hair! 

That night I let him sleep in my bed and held him close all night. I barely slept. My helicopter mom instincts were telling me to homeschool him. Thankfully, I fell asleep before that nonsense went too far.

Before sending the little guy off to school the next morning, I reminded him that all the teachers were super awesome and that if he truly needed me I would be there.

Even though it is so hard for me to stand back and let my child have these experiences without me, I'm glad he's doing it one way or another. Not to mention, it's nice to not be there when he says crazy stuff because I've been dealing with his filterless mouth for the past five years, and it totally sucks. 

UPDATE: Two days later, the little man jumps off the bus, beaming with excitement and a small sticker on the back of his right hand. 

"Mommy! The music teacher gave me a hug and a sticker. She is nice." 

The Best Time To Buy Cars, Dishwashers, TV's + More

While I absolutely LOVE being a homeowner, there are certainly times where I feel like I go from homeownership to homeownershit! It never fails, every few months something breaks, leaks, squeaks or dies.

The truth is, I was warned by the home inspector to expect many of the issues. Every time she came across an appliance or major system, including plumbing and electrical, she would point to it, and say, "You'll want to budget for that. It's a wonder it hasn't died yet."
We bought a hundred-year-old fixer-upper, we knew what we were getting into. We also learned very quickly that, "budget for that" also meant, be ready for a great deal and replace the appliance then, rather than when it dies two months later.

I've also learned, there is a solid money-saving method to the madness, buy when the market is offloading inventory, ultra-cheap.

Did you know, according to consumer reports:

"In these high-tech times, you might think the days when the calendar dictated when consumer goods would go on sale are behind us. Not so. Consumer Reports' market analysts have found that deep discounts for many products are still tied to a particular month of the year: Some sales are timed to the introduction of new models, while others are long-standing traditions, such as January white sales.  Consumer Reports' market analysts have found that deep discounts for many products are still tied to a particular month of the year: Some sales are timed to the introduction of new models, while others are long-standing traditions, such as January white sales." 

Faced with needing to buy a new dishwasher and refrigerator, I checked my handy Consumer Reports Buying Guide cheat sheet. It's so damn good, I thought I would share it. Just in case you were in the market for the best dishwasher but don't want to pay top dollar.

Here are the next three months of hot buy times, for the remainder of the year, check out the complete Consumer Reports Buying Guide. 


MAY: 

JUNE:

JULY: 

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How To Save Big On Things For Spring

Being a first time parent, I feel like each season we start over with buying new clothes,  and season appropriate toys and snacks, all can be big budget busters. So, for today's top 10 Tuesday, I'm sharing a few of my favorite ways to save big on Kid's things for spring... and summer too!

1. Make a list: I learned very early that kids do not need half as much stuff as I think they do. Before my baby was born, he had enough clothes to go a month without wearing a new outfit. Most of which, he never wore because he grew too fast! I quickly learned that I need to make a reasonable list of what I actually needed for my son, taking into account mid season growth spurts! I cannot recommend this enough, make a list of the number of shorts, shirts and shoes that you actually need to start the season, also include seasonal toys and future big buys like bicycles, ride on toys or backyard trampoline if your brave enough. Having a list early will allow you to do online shopping for better deals as well as put feelers out with your family to look for things on sale.

2. Shred those winter clothes: When it comes to outside playtime, kids get get dirty, so the last thing you want them to do is get grimy in their nice new clothes. Go through those winter clothes that have holes in the knees or tears in the sleeves, and cut them off  to make shorts and t-shirts. Then, deem those play clothes, so you won't cry when you can't get the grass or ketchup stains out.

3. Borrow Budget Busters: For those one off family portraits or special occasions where you normally end up buying an incredibly expensive outfit, your child will most likely only wear once, check out Etsy, eBay and your friend's closets before paying full price for anything.

4. Secondhand Shops: Places like Once Upon A Child and other children's secondhand shops are full of clothes and everything else you need to cover an entire winter or summer wardrobe, for under $20. (Shoes too! Did you know Crocs are machine washable?)

5. Facebook Finds: Every city has at least one Facebook mommy group that has clothes exchanges and lists where big family sales are taking place. To find them, on your Facebook page ask your friends if they know of any great mommy groups on Facebook. I bet you'll get plenty of replies!

6. Garage Sale Heaven: Garage sales are great place to pick up those big toys that people want to get rid of because they take too much space, but you desperately need because it's time for your toddler to start riding a bike. On Fridays, go to Craigslist, or wherever your city list garage sales, and find ones close by. Look for multi-family sales then grab a friend and some coffee and start shopping!

7. Discount Dealers: I love Groupon, ZuLily, Plum District, Living Social, Overstock, and other sites that can offer great things at a huge discount. All will be fighting for attention this season, so capitalize on it!  Most are even offering free shipping on the smallest orders.

8. Daily Deals: Did you know there are hundreds of websites that crawl the Internet daily for the best online daily deals? They do, and then list them in an easy to search format so you can quickly search for items on your must have list. My favorite is DealNews.com.

9. DIY For Family Health: When it comes to spring time treats and healthy fruit snacks, the budget can bust very quickly. I make our Popsicles, grow our fruit and cut out juice and soda, we are water drinkers during the warm months. If you have a sunny spot in your yard, patio or balcony, you have a place to grow your own fruit! Did you know strawberries grow well in a pot? Go to your local nursery and ask for help finding the right fruits to grow for where you live (Grower's Zone).

For a total of $20 I have strawberry plants, blueberries and grapes thriving in pots and around my yard. The best part is that I can use that fruit to make Popsicles! (For my Posicle DIY post, Click here.)

10. Price Shop From Home.  There are way too many apps and websites available today that make price comparison shopping from home a breeze. Gone are the days of driving from store to store or waiting for the Sunday Paper deals. Pull out the list you made of spring must haves and start going through each item online and list where the best deal is, for that item. Once you've gone through your list,  check the entire list for stores that overlap to save you a bundle on shipping and time. Between the coupon apps and the compare-and-save apps, there is no reason to pay full price anymore.

If you have any great tips, please leave a comment below, or join my Facebook discussion, here. 

When Dr. Google Says It's Tourettes, Autism, ADHD, OCD and Bipolar

Let me just preface this by saying, I'm the mother of a Four-year-old boy. By the end of his first year of life, I learned my lesson the hard way about Googling his symptoms. Ten times out of ten, it always ended in me freaking out that he had a rare incurable disease. I was so bad about it, his pediatrician made me promise that I would NEVER again look to Dr. Google for a diagnosis. Then, last night happened...

Last night, FTD looked at me and said, did you hear that?

Me: What?

FTD: Those noises Ollie makes?

Me: Huh?

FTD: That humming noise. He makes it after he says something.

ME: Um? He's four, he's constantly making noises!

FTD: Well, listen for it. It could be an indicator of something...

Me: What are you talking about?

FTD: I was talking to Mrs' Smith at school about it, and...

Me: Whatever, I'll listen for it.

Being that FTD works at a school for children with "learning differences", he is super sensitive to the tics, quirks and differences that make each kid special. Most times it's me being paranoid, and FTD telling me to chill out, however, in this case, it was the other way around. Which, totally freaked me out.

He's the level-headed one, why is he the one freaking out this time?

I spent the rest of my son's waking hours following his every sound. By the end of the night, I did notice what FTD was talking about. Once in bed, I laid next to Ollie and listened more for the sounds, and even asked them about it. He told me he liked the way they sounded or he thought they were, "funny".  This is where my downward spiral began.

As he settled into sleep, he started repeatedly making a humming sound... until he fell asleep!

I Googled:  4-year old son makes funny noises.

At first,  Dr. Google said all signs pointed to Autism.

Then, Tourettes.

THEN! Tourettes, with ADHD, OCD and BiPolar.

Fu*k. Me.

I hate Dr. Google.  WHY did I do it???

So here I am, freaking out my son has Tourettes, Autism, ADHD, OCD and Bipolar, all due to noises he was making. As much as I wanted to call myself an asshole for Googling his symptoms and move on with my day, I couldn't. I was in a full panic attack.

It's so easy to morph symptoms into Dr. Goggle's diagnosis. It's almost like, I am so desperate for an answer, even a crappy one will do. SO WRONG!

Warning Parents: DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME.

Thanks to this little mishap, I have to either call his doctor and fess up that I Googled some shit and now I'm freaking out, or obsessively watch my son until I calm the F*ck down on my own.I'm going with the latter, for now.

It's funny on the heels of a post about my genius son, now I'm writing about him having Tourettes and a slew of other things. I'm telling you, Parenting is not for the faint of heart or conspiracy theorist, because it will drive you mad if you let it.

Bottom line: My son may or may not have Tourettes, but to go from a noise to Tourettes, Autism, ADHD, OCD and Bipolar is pure dumbassery. I know better.

Please, take it from me, before consulting Dr. Google, talk to your doctor first. Because, at this point, the only one with a true problem is me! My son is four. He's a wild, busy toddler, over analyzing that is not going to do either of us any good.

Just When I Thought Mommy Time Outs Were A Joke, One Saved Me.

There was a time in my life when I looked forward to the weekend. Ah yes, two nights and two days to do whatever I wanted. Sleep as long as I wanted. Eat when I wanted. Indeed, weekends were fantastic!

Then, I had a child.

It was almost instant. My weekends fell into the toilet.

The Weekend after children become this 48-hour nonstop barrage of Mommy!, Mommy!, Mommy!,  birthday parties, sporting events, and everything in between. Not to mention the getting to stay up late part, completely wiping out any chance for a relaxing weekend.

Don't get me wrong, I love my son and the extra time the weekend affords us, HOWEVER, non-stop is too much.

Recently, I've found myself dreading the weekends. My restful, schedule-less weekends were all but gone. Replaced by a non-stop schedule. Talk about, SUCKS!

After four years of my weekends progressively becoming more about my son and his needs and events and less about me enjoying the free time, I've come to realize, IT'S ALL MY FAULT!

Sure, jam packed busy kid weekends are almost inevitable for most parents, but that doesn't mean there's no time for me!

This past weekend, I was not feeling so awesome but still tried to push through the usual insanity. What a stupidass idea that was.

Not only was I exhausted, I was annoyed with myself for feeling like I have to be on 100% during the weekends, even when I feel crap. Why? Will my kid shrivel up and fade away? No, of course not!

Over trying to be super weekend-mom, I sought refuge in my bed. My son was very close behind. I wanted to scream! Instead, I told him Mommy was having a time out, and that I had to be left alone, just like when he was in time out.

The weirdest thing happened. He backed off. He asked how many minutes I had and told him 20, and set my phone timer just like I do with his timeouts.

Holy shit, he walked out. Left my bedroom. Gone. Somehow, I felt like I witnessed a miracle.

I laid quietly for twenty minutes. Alone.

So Weird.

I was enjoying the solitude so much, I completely forgot about the timer, so when it went off, I jumped. I wasn't the only one. Ollie came bouncing in excited to let me know I could get out of time out.

Truth be told, he was playing with FTD, so I may have been left alone much longer if not for the alarm, however, I couldn't help but think I stumbled onto a huge breakthrough, Mommy time outs actually work!

Long story short, I had three time outs over the weekend, and all went the same. I put myself in timeout, my son left me alone as time out protocol states. Most of all, I had a time block to do my own thing.

I'm already looking forward to next weekend and what I want to use my timeouts for.  Most likely a chance to lay in bed and read a book or watch a show on HGTV uninterrupted. If you need a time out to enjoy yourself and breathe, I cannot recommend enough putting yourself in time out. It totally works!

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How To Turn Bath Time Into Fun time!

I'm not sure if I've ever mentioned this but, I don't do bath time. FTD does. It's always been this way. When Ollie's umbilical cord fell off, and the time came to bathe him, I was terrified. At only a few weeks old, all I could imagine was a slippery little slug. From that bath on, FTD has been in charge. 

During the first year, bath time was mostly me dangling toys while FTD did the business. We found that distracting him from the bathing part was key. Once Ollie was able to sit up safely on his own, we introduced toys he could play with on is own. This was huge for helping him enjoy all that soap and water business.

Parent Tip: A boring bathtub full of water is a recipe for disaster. ALWAYS have fun bright toys floating in the water before plopping your toddler down.

There are several bath toys out there that you can buy for this very purpose, some of the popular ones are; classic bath ducks, wind-up turtles, and floaty frog sets. As with all toys, stick to the age recommendation. One of our favorite bath toys were antimicrobial foam letters, numbers, and squares with photos. It's a double win for the learning boost too. Here's Ollie in action:

                                   

Another important factor in how bathtime goes is your attitude. If it's all about getting in and getting clean and getting out, your child will see bathtime as much of a crappy chore as you. Look at that 5-10 minutes as a chance to bond, learn, play... whatever it takes. Baths are an essential part of life, show your child they can also be fun too!

Bottom line: If bath time sucks, turn your frown upside down, grab a few of your child's favorite (bath friendly) toys and turn Bathtime into fun time!