Things that make first time moms and dads say, "OH HELL NO!" (Best of Series)

(This is another of my favorite posts of 2012. FTD and I wrote this together and laughed the whole time.  Funny how things you think will never be funny, become funny after enough time has passed...)

During the first month of our son's life the hubs and I actually said, “Oh Hell No!” out loud more times than ever in our lives.  Here is the short list...

Mom’s List

  1. Nurse: “Here is a stool softener, you will need this.”
Me: “ Oh great more constipation”
Nurse: “Postpartum constipation will probably be worse than during your pregnancy.”
Me: “OH HELL NO!”  “There is no way it can be worse!”  My friends, it was 10 times worse.
  1. Still at hospital…
Nurse: here you will need to double up on these pads for a couple of weeks.
Me: “OH HELL NO!” “Those are not pads those are mattresses!” I’m not kidding, my son could sleep on them.  Ok gross analogy, but damn they are massive! 4 weeks in I’m still buying mattresses.  Just saying…

  1. At my postpartum follow up appointment, a week after leaving the hospital my doctor asked how I was doing.
Me: “Ok, but I still am having trouble pooping.”
Doctor: “ The constipation can be bad, you may need to give yourself an Enema.”
Me: “ OH HELL NO!”  And I will just leave it at that.  Ladies before you deliver, stock up on fiber and drink ONLY water!

  1. Again at my postpartum follow up appointment.
Doctor; “How is your mood?”
Me: “Ok, I’m really tired and agitated and I still want to slap my husband like I did during pregnancy, maybe even worse.
Doctor: “Those are all normal feelings. Try to get some sleep, and try to go easy on your husband. You may have those feelings towards him for a couple of months postpartum.”
Me: “OH HELL NO!” I’ve been constantly annoyed with my husband for 11 months and counting.  

  1. I was going to the bathroom around 4am, and all was quiet in the house, when all of the sudden I heard a super loud fart.  I can honestly tell you that I was not sure if it was my husband or my newborn son.  Both sound alike!  Total “OH HELL NO!”  moment.
  1. At my son’s one-week “well baby” check up, I had a couple of questions for the doctor.  1. My son smiles already! It’s the sweetest thing.  I thought babies didn’t smile so soon? 2. My Son will be sound asleep and then wake up with a loud scream, then fall right back to sleep? To both he answered, “It’s Gas.”  Now, for those of you who read my pregnancy Blog you know I had a list of five questions early on for my doctor that were all answered with, “It’s Gas.” “OH HELL NO!” Is my family just a pile of Gassy Asses?
  2. Apparently babies go through a growth spurt around 3-4 weeks, again at 6 months and then at 9 months.  When this happens breast fed babies will want to eat every hour. “OH HELL NO!” I cannot take the every 2-4 hour feedings as it is .  A set every hour feed will do me in, and my boobies too!
  3. EVERY time I sit down to eat a hot meal, baby wakes up. “OH HELL NO!”  Please let mommy eat.
  4. A breastfeeding mom needs to drink a large glass of water at EVERY feeding      to stay hydrated. Yes, this means I’m peeing like I am pregnant again! “OH HELL NO!”
  5. Shit, the pregnancy amnesia is setting in.  I’m even looking back on my actual C-Section surgery fondly! “OH HELL NO!”  I can already tell I am totally going to do this baby thing all over again...

Dad’s List

1.     Wife: “Honey, the doctor said that I might be a little/lot agitated with you for another couple of months.  But here’s the good news, I have had a revelation about it all, it’s not ME that is annoyed with you, it’s my hormones that want to punch you in the face. VERY HARD!”
Me: “Oh, Hell no! No you didn’t!”
2.     Did you know my son can and probably will take a massive dump in the bathtub!? “OH HELL NO!” Looks like mummy is going to be giving baths from now on. While I hold the video camera of course.
3.     My son can fart louder than me! He singed my chest hairs with his brilliant flatulence. “OH HELL NO!” I am a proud papa!
4.     Thanks to this Blog the wife knows my tricks. And I got in a bit of trouble for the bathroom mat pooping baby comment. “OH HELL NO!” It’s that or leave baby in the hall while I take a dump.  (Click Here to read that post on craping with the baby in tow."
5.     How can the wife expect me not to pick up the baby when he is “stirring” at night? He needs his daddy. Oh, I guess this one is when mummy said, “OH HELL NO!”
6.     Mummy says since she is breastfeeding and giving all the baths I have to do the dishes, clean the kitty liter and vacuum and mop the floors. “OH HELL NO!” What’s a wife for? (I know I’m going to catch the shits for that, but I don’t care I can say what I want!)
7.     The hospital bill came for mum and bub and before insurance it costs $16,134 to have a baby in American hospitals. “OH HELL NO!” In Australia we get paid to have babies!
8.     Doctor says I can’t touch my wife’ boobies or bottom for 6 weeks after delivery. “OH HELL NO!” She wouldn’t let me touch her boobies or bottom for 6 months before delivery. Again, what’s a wife for if you can’t touch her boobies or bottom?
9.     If you think your son is more awesome than mine then I have one thing to say to you. “OH HELL NO!” My son is the awesomest. He’s going to get me one of those stickers for my car that says, “my awesome son beat up your lame honor student son.”
10.  Mummy wants to read and edit my list before I post it.  Well guess what, mummy! “OH HELL NO!”

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Two confused parents=One amused baby Hopelessly we are trying raise a baby who is clearly smarter than both of us. April is an award-winning writer and blogger. Her work has been published in over ten countries and four languages. From books to newspapers, to print/online magazines and everything in between, you can find her work. For more on April, Visit