Thanksgiving Humor, Jokes and Dysfunction That Will Make Your Family Seem Normal

To get you in the spirit of family fun and of course, heaps of dysfunction, here are a few Thanksgiving day laughs to get you going...

This is by far one of the greatest pranks I have ever pulled on my Australian husband

In honor of FTD's citizenship, I thought I would share one of my favorite funny stories from when I first brought FTD to the US to meet my family.  FTD, this Friday Funny is for you. I can't believe you stuck around... hahahahahahaha

When FTD and I came back to the US for the very first time so he could meet my family, I lived in the top floor of a third-floor walk-up on the fringe of a beautiful sprawling tree-filled park. It was one of those perfect summer evenings: warm air, birds singing, a gentle breeze drifting through. FTD was out on the balcony, and I was inside doing something when I suddenly heard him yelp. I rushed out to see what happened, and there he was, completely dumbfounded, looking like he couldn’t believe what he'd just seen.

FTD pointing out into the air, at absolutely nothing, and says, "Holy shit!  Did you see that?"

Me, now equally dumbfounded, say,"What?"

"THAT!" FTD still pointing into the air, "THAT BLOODY BUG JUST LIT UP!!" 

It took me a second, but I realized he was talking about a firefly.  

Another second later, my lightbulb went off. 

Once I got over the initial shock that they don't have fireflies in Australia, a stroke of genius hit.

I looked at him blankly and said,"Oh! Those are government bugs. They take photos of us periodically for the census and immigration."

In complete disbelief, the man nearly fell over. Shook and mumbling, he proceeded to walk right to his computer. 

I couldn't believe it, he bought it!! hahahahahahhaahhahah

A minute later he yells out, "It's a fucking firefly!!!"

Y'all. He stayed with me. hahahaha

Seventeen years later, and that shit is still so damn funny to me!!!  He really bought it!  What in the hell do people think goes on over here in the US??? hahahahahahah

I hope you have a fabulous weekend!!! Xx

 

Happy Friggin' Halloween. This Horror Is My Everyday...

In honor of Halloween, and me being too busy to knockout a thoughtful post, I thought I would share the horror I live every day. FTD and Ollie terrorizing me. Everywhere. Always...


This was our last grocery trip... as a family. I finally learned my lesson!

We don't really go out to eat as a family either...

 Riding his new Stormer Trooper Bike through, then out the front door of, Target.

Teaching our then, one year old, "How to drop a badboy in the Dunny."

 Switching the heads on the mannequins. all the time!

How our kid is not already in therapy...

Playing piano for the Costco shoppers.

Mutilating the turkey on Thanksgiving...

Thing 1...

Why, yes, that is a penis he's walking into the fresh virgin snow in the front yard of our ould 3rd floor walkup.

These two, NEVER miss the chance to ride these damn things!

SEE!!!!

ME: What the hell?

Them: It was his fault...

The Wax Leo in Sydney, Aus.

oh, the two of them!

Gardening... for the darkside.

What will they think of next? To find out, follow me on Instagram, here!

It's Not Just Your Kid. They All Do That

Recently, while having a conversation with my son's pediatrician, I expressed my concerns about the wild-child being so full of energy, and that I'm convinced I'll have a stress induced heart attack if he stays like that forever. Seriously, the kid NEVER stops!  If his feet aren't moving his mouth is. And, always, he's compiling evil plans to outsmart me, and or, up the danger factor of his next move.

His pediatrician told me in his many years of practice, it never failed the parents with wild children wish they would calm down. Parents with ultra calm children wish they would kick it up a few notches.

Then he said, the reality is that all children are both. Every child, from calm to crazy, has their beautiful moments and beyond frustrating moments. Most of the time, when parents are exhausted from the crazy side of their kid, it's a phase the child is going through testing their independence.

After a bit of thought, I realized, he is so right. When I think about it that way, I go from being positive my kid is going to set a new bar for ADHD, to accepting that he is just a very spirited toddler. And in a way, it's super-awesome.

My wild child has beautiful calm moments. He does slow down. There are beautiful moments, daily. I get to hold him without fail morning and night. Sometimes, even during the day, if only for a few minutes, sometimes longer.

My wild child is beyond sweet as pie and adorable in every way. Sure, he's a go-go-go give-mom-a-heart-attack kind of kid, but there is more to him. But at the same time, I love his energy. Most of the time.

Sure, there's no denying, some kids lean towards being super spirited and some very calm. One of my son's best friends is a super-duper chill calm kid. He is soft spoken and nowhere near as full of energy as Oliver. Still, they play really well together. Even when Ollie's driving full steam towards the playhouse with every intention of crawling over it. His best friend reassuring him, " YEAH!  You Can Do It!" (Not shown, dads running in to rescue the boys from the ensuing dumbassery.)

Still, both have their moments. Both use their manners, surprise us with their selfless acts of kindness and give the best cuddles. Both cross the line and give us hell. Both are individuals and five-years-old at the same time.   Both torture the dog, dig up worms, make us laugh, cry, feel love like no other and of course, embarrass the crap out of us in front of family, friends, and strangers, never missing the chance to run from us AT THE WORST FU*CKING TIME!

But one thing is for sure, both are perfect just the way they are.

Stop Temper Tantrums Instantly (Works For All Ages!)

I recently came across an article about, "This Dad's "Silly" Potato Trick Miraculously Stopped a Toddler Temper Tantrum."  I thought to myself, Please, tell me how to stop a todder temper tantrum; I have a son and husband driving me crazy over here!

It turns out, a crazed dad, after a day of his toddler son being nutzo,told his son to, "Stop being so salty." The dad said, "that's when it clicked." He grabbed a potato (Yes, a real one) and handed it to his son, and told him he had to hold it until his mood changed.

Then the dad says, on reddit:

"He thought it was so silly and his mood changed," he wrote. "At first he was confused and wanted to put it down, but I told him that he will absolutely under no circumstances put the potato down until he's in a better mood to compose himself." His toddler calmed down and the world was spared. 

Um...

Kudos to that dad for finding a trick that works on his son. I, however, wouldn't even fathom giving that a try. If I handed my son a potato during a temper tantrum, he would throw it. Hard. 

No friggin doubt. 

If, like me, you wouldn't dare give your child a weapon during a temper tantrum, I have another trick and it's:

• FREE 
• Guranteed to change the mood instantly 
• Works on just about anyone having a temper tantrum, freaking out, throwing a fit, having a bad day... 
• The best part, is you will enjoy it emensely, too. 

During my son's toddler years, I must've tried a million different ways to stop the temper tantrums. I tried to ignore him. I tried to hold him. I tried to rationalize with him. Which is so stupid since you can't rationalize with the irrationale. 

Then, by accident, I found the answer. 

My darling child was throwing an epic temper tantrum. He wanted ice cream, before lunch. Rather than give his rediculous whinning and pissing-on a second of my time, I got out my phone to bide my time until he wore himself out protesting my evil mean mom ways. 

And that's when it's clicked. 

I saw the fart app my five-year-old begged me to downloaded, and opened it. I started pressing the fart sounds and, and told him that was all I could hear and smell coming out of his mouth. 

Withing seconds, my once screaming, whining and flailing toddler was all laughs and smiles. And so was I!

That fart app has been my saving grace. Every time I need to redirect my son's attention or stop him from throwing a tantrum, I just bust out my fart app and start smashing the soundboard.

There's even Apple Watch fart apps!

Within seconds, he's laughing and completely forget what he was pissed off about in the first place.  The fart app NEVER fails me. It's also helped my kid relaize I'm not playing into the Bullshit behavior. He wants to talk, he can talk. He wants to throw a fit, I'll throw a fart.

If you want to stop your child, friend, partner, co-worker, mom or dad from being annoying, download the fart app and use it against them. It'll work everytime, becuse I don't care who you are, farts are funny.  

BTW: There bunches of FREE Fart Apps available. No need to spend a penny, the free ones do the trick!

You're welcome. 

         

This One Is For The Dads... Happy Father's Day (You're Welcome)

To the rad dad's (and mom's doing the work of two)  I wish you a very special day filled with love and blessings... and a few laughs of course! To get you started, here are a few Father's Day gems sure to make you smile. Because you of all people know... Dad-ing without a sense of humor is a shitty way to to survive parenting's little up, downs and fuckinghellareyoukiddingmerightnows...

Thanks for being a rad ass dad. We love you! 

And finally... My favorite Father's Day Card...