Thanksgiving Humor, Jokes and Dysfunction That Will Make Your Family Seem Normal

To get you in the spirit of family fun and of course, heaps of dysfunction, here are a few Thanksgiving day laughs to get you going...

Here's A Step-by-Step Guide To Not Screwing Up Mother's Day.

Below is a foolproof 10-step method to make sure mom has the perfect Mother's Day.

Step 1. Let mom sleep in. Get up, be quiet and wait for her to come to you. I know, totally a crazy concept but trust me, she will be the nicest person you ever met if you leave that poor tired woman the f*ck alone. Dad, take the baby and GO!

Step 2. Breakfast in Bed is phenomenal, yes, but what mom really loves is when you clean up after making the breakfast. Seriously, if it takes her longer to clean the kitchen than enjoy her breakfast, then you failed. Miserably. Hint: Bring breakfast, give kisses and hugs, then GO CLEAN UP AFTER YOURSELF! Mom's mind will be BLOWN. Promise.

Step 3. The only thing better than a clean kitchen is a clean house. Give mom a break from Sunday chores and do them for her. Dad, walk around the house, pick up your socks, jocks and trousers you drop at the door when you get home. Kids, do the same. Clean up after yourselves ALL day.

Step 4. If nothing else, clean your room without bitching. Just that alone will make mom's day.

Step 5. Speaking of not bitching, everyone needs to try their best to get along. All day. I know, another crazy concept, but for one day no bothering mom with your first-world struggles. Write the rules down and post them if need be. Here, I'll get you started:

NO fighting, bickering, bitch slapping, toy hogging, sand/rock throwing, TV show fighting, eye gouging, fish hooking or douchebaggery.  Act like you actually love each other.

Step 6. Dad, while I'm sure you're perfectly agreeable and can find anything in the house you need, spend the day in a selfless state, maybe try actually looking for something first before asking. Consider moving the milk aside before giving up on finding the ketchup for your microwave hotdog. It's in there. LOOK!

Step 7. Mothers, bad news, Mother's Day belongs to your Mother and Mother-in-law, too. Sucks, I know but... you're going to have to share your day with them, however,  NOT THE WHOLE DAMN DAY! Set boundaries. Have your time. Do something for you! And just like the kids, you have rules here including, no bickering, bitch slapping or wine/rock throwing.

Step 8. Y'all, Mom loves a good nap and may want to take one. DO NOT ask every five minutes if she's awake or when is she going wake up. I can assure you her honest answer is WHEN SHE IS READY!

Step 9. If mom cleaned the house on Saturday and there is no housework needed, don't screw it up! If the house is clean, leave it that way. No sticky fingers or Popsicles left to melt on the table. Do not get food on the couch, floor, bed or dog. In fact, don't even eat one goldfish cracker on Mother's Day.  It's only for one day, surely you can make some sort of fun game out of not screwing the place up.

Step 10. Remove the umbilical cord and let mom run free for a few hours. If mom wants to read a book, run out for a Mani/Pedi, shopping trip or peace and quiet, let her go, ALONE! Then, encourage her to enjoy herself and not worry. This also means, no calling every five minutes about a fight, food or when she's going to be home. Just know she's enjoying herself. That's what matters most on Mother's Day.

5 Lessons Learned During My Mom Strike

While surfing through the FirstTimeMomandDad Archives, I found the post on my Mom Strike. I laughed so hard at myself, I had to repost it.

Posted in April of 2015, I'd just spent two-weeks focused on a project, not on my house. In that time, left up to the husband and child, the house became a proper shithole. There were toys everywhere, socks and shoes thrown about, dishes piling high, laundry piles that resembled the great Alps, a toddler bedroom that looked like a tornado hit it. It was like I was living in a frat house that runs a daycare.

 I cracked.

And rightfully so.

Why in the hell should I have to do it ALL?  Why am I the only one racing around keeping the frat house with a daycare, tidy? I'd hit my limit and needed the boys to step up to the cleaning-plate.

Starting immediately.

Those two were going to help me, or be in big ass trouble! So, I announced that I was going on mom strike. I was no longer jumping to cook or clean. I was no longer going to do it all! I was going on a mom strike.

My mom strike lasted five days, and coincidentally, taught me five life-long parenting lessons...

1. I created the filthy beasts living in my house. 

I like things cleaned and organized a certain way, so I just did it myself. In the process, I screwed myself. I wanted the house cleaned to my standards, and I was sure the boys couldn't come close.

Wrong.

It turns out, with direction, they can. Kind of. Yes, I stood over them one or two times, but after that, they managed to sort their own laundry, clean up their own dishes, and work together to load and unload. Now, I just let them grumble and walk-off. They know what they're doing. Clean is clean, who cares how the shirts are folded, their put away and dammit, that's what matters.

Goats, husbands, toddlers. Same thing. 

2. My Timing and my husband's timing are WAY OFF. 

Every night after dinner, I do the dishes and clean the kitchen straight away. I can't stand having a messy kitchen. My husband, can. But only for so long. He prefers to wait until later that night to tackle the mess. While it killed me to wait, thanks to the strike I learned a very valuable lesson, my head and kitchen will not explode if the dishes aren't done immediately. In his words, "There are no Dishes Police coming to get you. Relax. It can wait." Let me tell you when my husband is the one doing the dishes, the wait is definitely worth it.

3. There is NO reason my three-year can't pick up his own damn toys.

I had a girlfriend who taught her toddler that the 'Clean-up Fairy' will come and take the toys not cleaned up at the end of the night. It worked for her son, and now it's working for mine! The trick is to hide the toys left out. The next night, when your child cleans up fearful the fairy will be back, put the stolen fairy toys back by morning as a reward for keeping his toys tidy.

4. I don't want a damn cape; I want a cocktail.

I'll be the first to admit, I need to chill the F*$k out. I run around like a crazy person trying to keep my house in tip-top shape. It's like I have something to prove to myself and the world. I waste so much time picking up and cleaning things that get wrecked 30-seconds later.  WHAT THE HELL?

It's so not worth it. It's like I think if I have a perfect house and a well-behaved child, then I get to go to the Hero Mom Ball at the end of the year and claim a super-hero cape. Well, screw the cape. I'll take a cocktail and a better use of my time.

5. Mom strikes are so awesome; I'm already planning my next one.  

If you're worn out, feeling under-appreciated, sick of being the one that does everything while your partner and child are having a blast watching you, then call a strike! Clean up after yourself ONLY! When they start complaining... FIVE DAYS LATER. (Filthy beasts.) Make a list of things you do, hand it to your family and leave. Go to the park with a good book. Let them realize just how much effort it takes to keep the house cleaned, cupboards stocked, laundry in the drawers, bills paid and any of the other four million things you do in a day to keep your family healthy and happy.

I'm sad it took me flipping out and letting my house turn into a shithole to get to this place. But, in the end, it was worth it.

Teach Your Child To Type, Read + Spell Before Kindergarten

If you follow this blog and/or my social media, then you already know,  I'm all hung up on this new App, GameBooks, created by acclaimed software developer and first-time dad, Nicholas Nadirashvili. He created the app for his son after realizing NONE of his child's educational apps used the QWERTY keyboard, but rather a straight line of buttons in alphabetical order. A, b, c, d... 

With the help of early education experts, a solid team of designers, illustrators, children's book authors and some serious input from his son, the team created fully interactive children's books, or GameBooks, designed to teach children ages 2-6 to recognize and trace letters, understand word structure and syllables, spell, type and read.  (Download Gamebooks Here!)

If studies show it's easier for children to learn a new language than adults, will it be easier for a child to learn and remember the QWERTY keyboard at a young age? I'm all about giving my son a head start.

Thankfully, he is so consumed by the super cute characters, voices and sounds, he doesn't even realize he is learning. The app allows children to interact with the game naturally by bringing the entire book/page to life. ANYWHERE the child clicks the book will interact through sounds, words, spelling, and there's dancing and singing. It's just so so so cool! 

Throughout September, FTM&D readers can get a free no-strings-attached FREE 30-day premium trial membership, and get this, all you have to do is UN-click the box at the bottom of the registration form saying you want to try 30-days free. 

I know it sounds crazy, but that's the way the team set up the secret passage for my readers so you wouldn't even have to bother registration or a code.If you have a child who is six and under and learning to read, spell, and type, this app is worth the free download.

To get started with your free premium 30-day trial and be entered into the $50 monthly drawing grab your iPad and download GameBooks here. (iPad only right now)

TAKE THE SURVEY!

The GameBooks team also would love your feedback, if you fill out a short survey you'll also automatically be entered to win a $50 gift card.

Then come back to this post and click the survey link here to give your feedback and get an additional chance to win $50!

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READ THIS If You Cross Your Legs When You Laugh, Cough or Sneeze

There's really no end to the crazy things that happen to a woman's mind, body and soul during pregnancy and childbirth. Most all it I wouldn't have believed if you told me. Especially, the part about childbirth induced incontinence.  Think you're safe because you had a c-section? Think again...

Today, I'm partnering with TENA to share two infographics to help you recover those pelvic muscles so you don't have to cross your legs when you laugh, cough or sneeze. SO ANNOYING! Even if you're not crossing your legs yet, you might want to be proactive and Pin these Infographics too.

But, I'm Not Ready For Kindergarten?

Two weeks ago, when my son's new student pack arrived complete with teacher assignment and supply list, my heart sank. This is real. My son is really going to start Kindergarten in three weeks. All I could think was how unready I was! 

I swore to myself, I wouldn't be one of those mom's that makes this major milestone about, her. I know how much my son feeds off my feelings and reactions. I know if I lose my shit on the first day, so will he. If I act excited and super brave, so will he.  Needless to say, I'm going to try for the later. 

I say, try, because who knows what will happen on the first day. Mom-emotions are powerful and all consuming. I have friends who cried from the second of drop-off until pick-up the first two weeks, and friends who joke about barely slowing down before pushing their kid into the hands of a waiting carpool aid. 

I have no doubt I'm going to want to join the crying mom. I've got less than two weeks before the big day and I'm Not Ready For Kindergarten and all its scary unknowns.

• I'm not ready to leave my child with strangers, all day. 
• I'm not ready to live in fear of a school shooting, all day. 
• I'm not ready to live in fear of someone kidnapping my child off the playground.
• I'm not ready to spend 8 to 9 hours a day wondering what my child is doing and, most of all, if he's OK.
• I'm not ready for PTO meetings, and the over-achieving moms that make me feel like a lazy shit.
• I'm not ready to let my insecurities get the best of me everytime I pass a group of moms. 

I am just not ready. And, I'm pretty sure I won't be before the big day.

Thankfully, my child is ready.

My brilliant five-year-old is ready to spend the day learning and growing with children his own age. He's ready to learn in a more structured environment with rules, routine, repercussions and rewards. According to him, he's even ready to ride the bus to school without me. 

 My child is so ready to start Kindergarten, he's counting the days.

Oh, this mom shit is so hard. I just keep telling myself, Stop over-thinking everything and don't make this about you. 

This is going to be a HUGE day for my little guy. I can choose to cry and make it about me, or embrace his brilliance, resolve, and bravery on HIS big day. 

On August 18th, I will put on my big girl pants and take my big boy to his first day of 'big boy' school. I will try my best to love, cherish and embrace every moment, because the only thing that's for sure about the big day, I'll never get it back. 

To Elf, Or Not To Elf. THAT Is The Christmas Question

I'm so on the fence about getting an Elf.

Do I let him in?

Or, slam the door in his face?

Every mother I know swears by The Elf On The Shelf, Christopher Elf, or some other thing they use to instill fear of a pissed-off Santa. Or basically, a deferral of blame for being an Asshole parent for a month.

What I don't get is how can this little elf be so effective at getting a child to behave?

How can an elf bouncing around the house, multiple times a day, playing the odd prank, turn my kid into a perfect little Christmas Child?

I know moms who have had their elf for seven years.

Seven.

FYI: The word on the street is that once you let the elf in, you can't shut it out the next year. That elf becomes a Holiday tradition until your child stops buying into it.

Which, in my case with a four-year-old, that Elf could become a fixture for eight years!

Oh. Hell. No.

I don't want to deal with the multiple daily moves and random pranks. It sounds tedious.

FTD thinks it "could be fun."

My nephews, who LOVE their Christopher Elf, keep asking where our elf is. They are freaked out about my tree being up, but no elf has arrived. I'm running out of confused looks and crap excuses.

Is the Elf becoming standard now? Does everyone, but me, have an Elf?

Damn Elf.

How much does it suck to know in a two weeks when the elf goes back to Elfland, your perfect little Christmas angel is going to turn back into a heathen shit? Why not have a year long elf?

Plus, why would I want to make a mess then clean it up for the sake of an elf prank? I love my kid, but dammit that's going too far. I clean up enough shit every day. 

Even though I'm leaning towards skipping the elf this year, I'd love to know what you think. Is the elf really improving your child's behavior? It is really worth the trouble and mess? 

6 Things All New Mothers Should Know To Survive The First 6-Months

 If only I knew all of this, and followed it, when I was a new mom...

I have no doubt that every mother will agree with me when I say, during pregnancy the only thing you get more of than stretch marks and bad gas, is parenting advice.  Between the always ready to share been-there-done-that mothers, parenting books and online resources, the information available today for new mothers is overwhelming. What's more, you never know what to believe since one book will contradict the next, and what one mother swears by, another mother will insist did not work for her baby. Weeding through all of the advice can be daunting, to say the least.

Looking back, I wish I was given more advice on how to deal with becoming a mother, and less on the three million different ways to rock a baby to sleep. I needed to know about the self-doubt and failures that came along with motherhood, or that having a baby would take a huge toll on my marriage and personal life if I let it. After talking with numerous other mothers, I realized we all struggled with the same issues; things it seemed no one bothered to warn us about in between lessons on feeding, changing and rocking our newborn to sleep.  I've put a list together of the top six things all new mothers to know.  Things we wish we didn't have to learn the hard way.

YAY! The Holidays Are Here, Bring On The Family Dysfunction...

The holidays can completely consume me if I let them, and not in a good way. I get so rapt in buying the perfect gifts, making the perfect dishes, finding the perfect holiday party outfits... Then there is the juggling family celebrations and the dysfunction junction it creates.

Well, this year, I'm not having it.

Just kidding, my family is nuts, I have no control. In fact, I jump right on in with them!

I know my family and the strange dysfunction the holidays instills in them. Here's how it's gonna go down.

Regardless of it being Thanksgiving Dinner or Christmas Brunch, half my family will arrive late,with at least one person/family being REALLY late. Which, will piss someone off enough to accelerate their drinking, so once the late comer walks through the door shit will hit the fan. Those two will spend the next hour or so not speaking until the late comer drinks enough to get on the level of the pissed off one, and try to hash it out.

This will result in either a bigger fight or a few, "I love you, I'm sorrys."

The food will be a potluck of epic proportions. No one in my family is capable of making anything by the recipe. My brother will bring the Turducken. My sister horseradish roasted garlic and possibly white cheddar mashed potatoes; my mom will bake four pies and pull off a fresh cranberry relish with orange zest and jalapenos... And just because FTD totally doesn't get the holiday, he's contribution will be meat pies and sausage rolls.  

Then, for fun, I pull out the paper plates and hand them to my mother and watch her lose her shit, tell me how she knew I would do that, and then run to her car to get the China she brought, "Just in case."

While she is out getting the China, I will be rallying my siblings to help me talk mom into the easy clean-up plan. Knowing full the fight is going to be fruitless because she will wave us away and insist that she LOVES doing the dishes, and will take care of it. 

After the the China is laid out and the food hits the table, corralling three toddlers and two pre-teens will commence. No doubt, this will go incredibly well. 

Two and half hours later...

We will all be seated and starving. My mom will kick-off a beautiful blessing that seems to do a few victory laps around the table while she says why she is thankful for each one of us.

45 minutes later...

 We can FINALLY inhale our Thanksgiving feast.

Once the meal is over, immediately talk of "parades to the toilet" will be held by the men, while the women fight child fingers out of the pies.

My friends, I CANNOT FREAKING WAIT!!!!!!!

I love my super jacked up dysfunctional family. They make me feel normal. Every year, I tell myself I will not let the holidays win. They will not eat me alive. I will not let the stress overtake the fun. My mantra this year is: Be laid back.

What about you? Is your T-day full of dysfunction and touchdowns?