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Thanksgiving Humor, Jokes and Dysfunction That Will Make Your Family Seem Normal

To get you in the spirit of family fun and of course, heaps of dysfunction, here are a few Thanksgiving day laughs to get you going...



Zero To Five, In The Blink Of An Eye




Tomorrow, my baby will be five.

Five.

And for the life of me, I can't figure out how.

 It still feels like yesterday daddy could hold him in the palm of his hand.


Just yesterday, when my baby would stay put in the cart while I shopped. Or daddy got up to no good in the toy section.


I just can't get my head around it. FIVE? Makes me want to say a different four letter word that starts with 'F'.


It feels like only a few months ago, he was learning to walk, climb, and blow my mind with his genius ways. 



It still feels like yesterday that I was sure the terrible twos were going to kill me. 


It feels like yesterday when he started self-dressing and choosing which shoe to wear on which foot. 


It still feels like yesterday that I lived every minute worrying that he was going to kill himself with his crazy ways.


Oh, wait, it was yesterday.

On the eve of my son's fifth birthday, I can't help but think about two things. 

 1. Just how fast the time goes.
2. How incredibly blessed I am for every second I have with him. 

 Watching my son grow into a wonderful little five-year-old has been amazing. 

 Magical. 


I love being a mother more than anything else in this world. So, rather than spend this day sad that my baby is turning five, I'm going to spend the day looking back on the wonderful times. Reflect on how far my little family has come over the last five years. How much we have grown, bonded and made amazing memories. 


How incredibly blessed I am for every second I have with my baby. Even the ones that give me a heart attack.



Oh my Goodness, I love being a mother!!!!!!

Happy birthday tomorrow to both of us.



I have to stop writing so I can go shower my little four-year-old in love, cuddles and kisses... I'm afraid my heart will explode with pent-up love if I don't.






To Elf, Or Not To Elf. THAT Is The Christmas Question




I'm so on the fence about getting an Elf.

Do I let him in?

Or, slam the door in his face?

Every mother I know swears by The Elf On The Shelf, Christopher Elf, or some other thing they use to instill fear of a pissed-off Santa. Or basically, a deferral of blame for being an Asshole parent for a month.

What I don't get is how can this little elf be so effective at getting a child to behave?

How can an elf bouncing around the house, multiple times a day, playing the odd prank, turn my kid into a perfect little Christmas Child?



I know moms who have had their elf for seven years.

Seven.

FYI: The word on the street is that once you let the elf in, you can't shut it out the next year. That elf becomes a Holiday tradition until your child stops buying into it.

Which, in my case with a four-year-old, that Elf could become a fixture for eight years!

Oh. Hell. No.

I don't want to deal with the multiple daily moves and random pranks. It sounds tedious.

FTD thinks it "could be fun."


My nephews, who LOVE their Christopher Elf, keep asking where our elf is. They are freaked out about my tree being up, but no elf has arrived. I'm running out of confused looks and crap excuses.

Is the Elf becoming standard now? Does everyone, but me, have an Elf?

Damn Elf.


How much does it suck to know in a two weeks when the elf goes back to Elfland, your perfect little Christmas angel is going to turn back into a heathen shit? Why not have a year long elf?


Plus, why would I want to make a mess then clean it up for the sake of an elf prank? I love my kid, but dammit that's going too far. I clean up enough shit every day. 

Even though I'm leaning towards skipping the elf this year, I'd love to know what you think. Is the elf really improving your child's behavior? It is really worth the trouble and mess? 





YAY! The Holidays Are Here, Bring On The Family Dysfunction...



The holidays can completely consume me if I let them, and not in a good way. I get so rapt in buying the perfect gifts, making the perfect dishes, finding the perfect holiday party outfits... Then there is the juggling family celebrations and the dysfunction junction it creates.

Well, this year, I'm not having it.

Just kidding, my family is nuts, I have no control. In fact, I jump right on in with them!

I know my family and the strange dysfunction the holidays instills in them. Here's how it's gonna go down.

Regardless of it being Thanksgiving Dinner or Christmas Brunch, half my family will arrive late,with at least one person/family being REALLY late. Which, will piss someone off enough to accelerate their drinking, so once the late comer walks through the door shit will hit the fan. Those two will spend the next hour or so not speaking until the late comer drinks enough to get on the level of the pissed off one, and try to hash it out.

This will result in either a bigger fight or a few, "I love you, I'm sorrys."



The food will be a potluck of epic proportions. No one in my family is capable of making anything by the recipe. My brother will bring the Turducken. My sister horseradish roasted garlic and possibly white cheddar mashed potatoes; my mom will bake four pies and pull off a fresh cranberry relish with orange zest and jalapenos... And just because FTD totally doesn't get the holiday, he's contribution will be meat pies and sausage rolls.  

Then, for fun, I pull out the paper plates and hand them to my mother and watch her lose her shit, tell me how she knew I would do that, and then run to her car to get the China she brought, "Just in case."

While she is out getting the China, I will be rallying my siblings to help me talk mom into the easy clean-up plan. Knowing full the fight is going to be fruitless because she will wave us away and insist that she LOVES doing the dishes, and will take care of it. 

After the the China is laid out and the food hits the table, corralling three toddlers and two pre-teens will commence. No doubt, this will go incredibly well. 

Two and half hours later...

We will all be seated and starving. My mom will kick-off a beautiful blessing that seems to do a few victory laps around the table while she says why she is thankful for each one of us.

45 minutes later...

 We can FINALLY inhale our Thanksgiving feast.



Once the meal is over, immediately talk of "parades to the toilet" will be held by the men, while the women fight child fingers out of the pies.



My friends, I CANNOT FREAKING WAIT!!!!!!!

I love my super jacked up dysfunctional family. They make me feel normal. Every year, I tell myself I will not let the holidays win. They will not eat me alive. I will not let the stress overtake the fun. My mantra this year is: Be laid back.

What about you? Is your T-day full of dysfunction and touchdowns?



                                  





Parent PSA: Tis' the Season To AVOID This... (Mothers. READ THIS)



Not only are the Holidays upon us, so is cold and flu season. This means, if you don't play it smart, you'll be eating the Thanksgiving dinner you cooked in bed. Alone.

 I'm talking about the complete household-wide misery that strikes when mom (or primary caregiver) gets sick.

You know, the point where after spending two weeks caring for every member of your family who's been sick, YOU get sick. Not super sick, just kind of dragging and sniffling sick. Then, two weeks and three boxes of tissues later, because you refused to slow down and take care of yourself,  you find yourself bedridden. All because you didn't follow your own rules.

You know, "Go to bed, you're sick!."





It's time for Change, Parents.

It's time to take care of yourself sooner than later, so you don't spend the ENTIRE winter fighting off your first cold or flu from OCTOBER!

You know, like last winter. And the Winter before...
                 
So, how to make this dream a reality?

1. Create an emergency sick kit. Stock the house with EVERYTHING you need to fight off winter's ailment, BEFORE they strike. Pre-stock the house with cold/flu meds, throat lozenges, extra boxes of tissue, Gatorade, sprite, antibacterial wipes... YOU know you will have to buy them eventually Why wait until 11:30 at night with a crying child or a head cold so hardcore you're positive death would be better?

2. Make a list of your night and morning routine. Pass it off to the most responsible adult. (I say "most responsible adult" because sometimes it's a toss-up between my husband and his mini-me.)


 3. GO TO BED.

4. SLEEP IN.

5. Eat a solid breakfast. NOT just the last two bites of the waffle your child didn't finish.

6. Decide if a trip to the doctor is necessary. If so, BLOODY GO!!!!!!

7. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. Until the cold or flu has passed, stay still.  No good comes from dragging your sorry ass out of bed the minute you have enough energy. Seriously. How did that work out for you last year?  Bought you another day in bed, didn't it? Me too.

Or.

You could do nothing.

Which, you know results in you eventually being bed-ridden anyway. Remember last year when you took days off work and were too sick to move thanks to not slowing down in the first place?

Yeah. That.

My friend, don't fall into the same sick routine. You know you will end up in bed one way or another.

Why not take care of yourself and get ALL THE WAY better on the front end? It only takes about 2-3 days. Opposed to the month of sniffles and feeling rundown that leads to the two weeks of feeling like you're dying, followed by two days in bed feeling like death would be a welcome relief, that still doesn't seem to kick it all the way. Then you spend the rest of the winter feeling, "not-quite-right."

Do you really want that?

Please, take care of yourself this cold and flu season.

You know, there's a reason you're supposed to put the oxygen mask over your face before your child's in an airplane emergency...  Your family needs you, take care of you.

For tips, check out my post on, Tips for keeping your family safe during cold and flu season.


Not following us on social media yet? You're missing out on all of our behind the scenes nonsense, and trust me, it's complete and utter nonsense. 


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I Made It. So Freaking Glad That's Over.

Holy crap. I made it.

As you may already know, at the beginning of last summer, I deemed Summer camp extortion and decided to make my own damn summer camp. I thought to screw it, I'm not paying a grand a week for someone else to have a fun summer with my son, especially because I work from home I have the time.

I envisioned grand plans of the 'Best Summer Ever'.  Ollie and I were going to the pool and the zoo and do all kinds of fun outdoorsy things, with minimal technology. Best. Summer. Ever.




It took me about a week to realize that was not happening.

It took me two weeks to realize that the best summer ever was going downhill. Quickly.

Every morning, I would throw out awesome ideas only to be shot down with a, No, I want to stay home and play in the backyard.

Each day was more or less a battle to get through without losing my mind.

By July 1st, it was clear, he prefered to stay in his PJ's and lounge around the house or play in the backyard.  Screw the zoo, park and pool. All he needed was a slip 'n slide to be happy.




In an effort to not feel like a complete failure for not dragging my son to the pool, zoo or park,  I started to think what is summer all about anyways. Should I be holding myself all these high lofty goals of taking my son everywhere? Should I be fighting with him to make it happen? Is it even worth it when every time we walk outside it's so hot and humid I feel like I'm burying my face in someone's arm pit?

Nope.

July and August went the same as June. Our entire summer was spent just doing whatever my son wanted.

Well.... I personally spent the past three months trying not to loose my mind. I don't know how stay-at-home parents can do it 24/7 365. It's intense. I tried so hard to remind myself that this time is precious and to enjoy it as much as possible. It was just so hard having my son GLUED to my hip.

But, I made it with a sliver of my sanity still intact.

In the end, I learned a lesson that summer is what you make it, but whatever you do don't make big goals to go along with it.

That being said, I am so happy to have my son back in school.  I've nearly regained my sanity, a clean house, and my work back on track.

Cheers to summer, but dammit I'm so happy it's over. I am ready to get back on our school/Fall routine. How was your summer?Regained your sanity and happy routine yet?

Just When I Thought Mommy Time Outs Were A Joke, One Saved Me.





There was a time in my life when I looked forward to the weekend. Ah yes, two nights and two days to do whatever I wanted. Sleep as long as I wanted. Eat when I wanted. Indeed, weekends were fantastic!

Then, I had a child.

It was almost instant. My weekends fell into the toilet.

The Weekend after children become this 48-hour nonstop barrage of Mommy!, Mommy!, Mommy!,  birthday parties, sporting events, and everything in between. Not to mention the getting to stay up late part, completely wiping out any chance for a relaxing weekend.

Don't get me wrong, I love my son and the extra time the weekend affords us, HOWEVER, non-stop is too much.

Recently, I've found myself dreading the weekends. My restful, schedule-less weekends were all but gone. Replaced by a non-stop schedule. Talk about, SUCKS!

After four years of my weekends progressively becoming more about my son and his needs and events and less about me enjoying the free time, I've come to realize, IT'S ALL MY FAULT!

Sure, jam packed busy kid weekends are almost inevitable for most parents, but that doesn't mean there's no time for me!

This past weekend, I was not feeling so awesome but still tried to push through the usual insanity. What a stupidass idea that was.

Not only was I exhausted, I was annoyed with myself for feeling like I have to be on 100% during the weekends, even when I feel crap. Why? Will my kid shrivel up and fade away? No, of course not!

Over trying to be super weekend-mom, I sought refuge in my bed. My son was very close behind. I wanted to scream! Instead, I told him Mommy was having a time out, and that I had to be left alone, just like when he was in time out.



The weirdest thing happened. He backed off. He asked how many minutes I had and told him 20, and set my phone timer just like I do with his timeouts.

Holy shit, he walked out. Left my bedroom. Gone. Somehow, I felt like I witnessed a miracle.

I laid quietly for twenty minutes. Alone.

So Weird.

I was enjoying the solitude so much, I completely forgot about the timer, so when it went off, I jumped. I wasn't the only one. Ollie came bouncing in excited to let me know I could get out of time out.

Truth be told, he was playing with FTD, so I may have been left alone much longer if not for the alarm, however, I couldn't help but think I stumbled onto a huge breakthrough, Mommy time outs actually work!

Long story short, I had three time outs over the weekend, and all went the same. I put myself in timeout, my son left me alone as time out protocol states. Most of all, I had a time block to do my own thing.

I'm already looking forward to next weekend and what I want to use my timeouts for.  Most likely a chance to lay in bed and read a book or watch a show on HGTV uninterrupted. If you need a time out to enjoy yourself and breathe, I cannot recommend enough putting yourself in time out. It totally works!









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They Were SO WRONG! Four, Is Awesome.

We've all heard it before, "You think two is bad? Wait for three and four!". I would get so annoyed when people said that. Seriously, if I'm bitching about my life sucking, don't say, Wait, it gets so much worse." That is not helpful. At all.

 I hated to think my kid could actually get worse! I tried to keep my focus on the good behavior more than the bad, and take his toddler ridiculousness in stride. Of course, the meltdowns, day and night potty training and demand for independence were difficult. To say the least.

So when my son turned four in February, I didn't know what to expect. Truth be told, I wasn't really hopeful for any big miracle change. After all, four was supposed to suck worse than two and three.





And then, it happened.

Four.

It was almost like magic. One day my three year old is being a little toddler shit, the next (about 6 weeks into being four), he's dressing himself, making his own snack, getting his own water, playing in his room alone and only minimally being a little shit.

In addition to his new big-boy abilities, his vocabulary is on point! The kid can carry on super conversations about anything for hours, and the stuff the kid comes up with is freaking priceless! He can also verbally express exactly how he's feeling, what hurts, hunger, thirst and needs.

I'm here to tell you, four has been gooooooood!  Four is NOTHING like three and four. Nothing.

My little guy is awesome. That's all there is to it. He's sweet, kind, crazy, independent, out of diapers day and night, and can play by himself and hold conversations.

I FREAKING LOVE FOUR!!!

Of course, there are still challenges, and struggles, but I truly feel like I'm in some sort of parent/age sweet spot and plan to enjoy every minute!

Oh my goodness, I love being a mommy!  (<----- Please, remind me of that when I past a huge rant on Monday when my kid finds a new way to keep me on my toes.)



What Happens When I Spend Two Days Away From My Child

I'm not sure if it was me going away this past weekend, or what, but I am clinging to my child like a magnet on a refrigerator.  Everyone said it would be him behaving like that after a weekend away, but it's not him, it's me!  I just want to hold him and smother him with hugs and kisses. I keep finding myself staring and smiling at my son.  My beautiful, kind, articulate, amazing little son. "Little" being the operative word.  I see him now in all of his 2-year-old three-foot glory, and know it will not last long. For some reason, now more than ever, I want to hold tight to each moment and memorize every little finger, toe and eyelash.


While going through some old photos the other day, I began to panic when I realized that I was already forgetting moments from Ollie's baby days. I couldn't remember when photos were taken, and sometimes even how old Ollie was in the photos. It scared me. I don't want to forget my baby. I don't want to forget his giggle, fat rolls or even those crazy sounds he made those first few months. I don't want to forget his first words, steps or even tears. I don't want to forget anything.

Some of the very best moments I will not have photos to help my memory. Like today, I was laying on the couch when Ollie came over and out of nowhere leaned in for a hug and kiss.  It was such a beautiful moment. And then as fast as he came, he ran away.  I watched his sweet little feet bounce away and his cute little butt follow. It's moments like that I want to cry I am so overwhelmed with emotion.  It's moments like that I am reminded of the true beauty of motherhood, and just how incredibly blessed I am to have a child.



If Ollie really is going to be my one and only child, I want to remember everything.  I want to slow down time and enjoy every moment of his life, even the ones that make me want to hide in the closet with wine and chocolate. Sometimes, I feel like I am in a race to raise him. I look forward to milestones and forget to fully appreciate the ones he has already met. I hate to admit it, but somedays I am so jealous of the moms who's kids are in school all day.  I have to stop.  I have to appreciate the blessing that is being able to be a work-from-home mother. 

Sorry for the incredibly sappy post, but I am so overwhelmed with love for my sweet little boy. The little boy who one day will grow up, fly out of the nest and leave me crying over a photo album full of memories. Memories of moments that I am living right now. Moments I am going to do my best to slowdown and take the time to fully absorb and remember.