10 Things All Toddlers Have In Common

Here are ten amazing facts about toddlers. Facts I wouldn't have believed unless I witnessed them myself...

1.     Toddlers are one big mess making factory. They can stand still in an empty white room and still figure out how to make a HUGE FREAKING MESS! I sometimes think my Toddler has a magnet for crap embedded in his body, so the minute he walks through a room all kinds of crap comes flying out from every corner, and lands at his feet.  Even though I watch it happen, I cannot wrap my head around the fact that something so small can completely wreck everything in 3.2 seconds! 

2.     Toddlers think everything is awesome... for five seconds. The attention span of a toddler has to rival that of a blowfly. Every single new thing my toddler comes across is badass.  He HAS to have it. Then five seconds later, he is on to the next awesome thing.

3.     Feeding a toddler is like feeding a monkey. A picky, drunken monkey. Between the flailing arms, the poor spoon/fork usage, the food launching and the occasional bite that actually makes it into their mouth… yeah, it's monkey business. Frustrating patience-testing monkey business.

4.     Toddlers have NO use for clothing. – My kid thinks shoes, pants and socks are the dumbest damn inventions. He has no use for them. My toddler would prefer to live as a free ballin’ nudist, and that’s all there is to it.

5.     Toddlers Have NO Shame. They will stop in the middle of a large crowd to concentrate on crapping their pants. They will fart in the arms of President. (I bet at least one has done it before… this year.) They will scream bloody she-is-kidnapping-me murder the minute you pick them up to leave the park and best wishes to those that think errands will be run in a timely clam orderly fashion. They have no shame and are happy to prove it. 

6.     Toddlers are 24/7 wrecking balls. If you love something or it is just expensive, a toddler will destroy it. DESTROY. IT. Again with the magnet theory. Toddlers have a homing beacon that seeks out expensive things, danger, and trouble.  

7.     Toddlers only have an ON switch.  The minute they learn something, that new function stays on! Walking, running, dancing, talking, repeating bad words… they learn it, and Man, it's SO ON!

8.     Toddlers like everything on repeat. I have read, and re-read, the same book for days in a row.  I have watched the same Mickey Mouse Clubhouse shows so many times I know the words. Why, yes, I have tried other books and shows. He doesn’t want those, he wants his Trucks and Diggers book read front to back, then back to front...  OVER AND OVER AND OVER. Don’t even get me started on the books with buttons, but only one button will do OVER AND OVER AND OVER. I have also stood by while my toddler has gone up and down the slide four hundred thousand times. Repeat I tell you. Repeat.

9.     To a toddler, ‘No’ means proceed at your own risk. They know better, but if they really want to do something, they are going to do it. Toddlers invented the theory: It's far easier to ask forgiveness, than permission.

10.  Toddlers ensure that there is never a dull Day. EVER!  For example, yesterday morning we needed a few things from the grocery. So I made my iced coffee, got Ollie and I dressed, and left for the store. Once at the store, (shoes already off of course) the second I unbuckled him from his car seat he lunged into the front seat, knocking my iced coffee into my driver's seat, (MY seat!) then he sat in it to drive the car. (Yes. Yes, I did want to shed a tear.) With no towels on hand, I used a diaper to sop up the coffee. Then, I turn my sights to him. Of course, while I was focused on cleaning up the coffee, he was climbing around the car turning on every button and emptying out my bag. When I finally caught him, I somehow missed him crapping his pants between leaving the house and that moment. Did I cry? No. Did I lose my temper? No. This is just another day in the life of a parent of a toddler.   

Call me certifiable, but I wouldn't trade it for anything. 

Want more images of, Life With Kids Vs Life Without?

7 Thanksgiving Ground Rules For The Dysfunctional Family.

All right y’all, it’s coming. The annual trip to Dysfunction Junction. Thanksgiving.


For some of us, it's the one day of the year when the entire family comes together, to remind each other why you only get together once a year. I like to call it the annual trip to Dysfunction Junction. (It's ok, my family agrees. They won't be mad I said that. Except, maybe my mom. Sorry mom.)

For some of you, I bet you can’t wait. Most likely, you have a happy little family. Everybody gets along. All smiles. You probably don’t even have to have liquor at your Thanksgiving to make it through. Good for you. All of you. This post is not for you.

For those of us with crazy-ass family members, here are a few ground rules you may want to send out before the hoedown. 

1. Don't make it about drama. Make it about the kids. First and foremost, this is about the children. This is the one day of the year they get to see their family, play with the cousins, have their cheeks squeezed by their aunts. 

2. No pre-drinking allowed. Everybody has to show up to this godforsaken event stone-cold sober. No Headstart allowed.

3. Don't be late. Your family has been starving all day, don't be the asshole who keeps them waiting to eat. (Matthew. I'm talking to YOU!)  If you are late, you are an asshole. And should have to wear an asshole hat the entire day. Including all photos. see below. Hint people who are still just bored flex and cannot be on time lied to them and tell them you’re eating an hour earlier than you really are.  

                                              
4. The cleaner, the better. Don't come over looking to make a mess. The happiest Thanksgiving‘s are the ones where you throw the shit away at the end, not spend hours cleaning and polishing china and silver. No one should have to go all out unless they want to. The hostess should be allowed to line everything in aluminum foil or parchment paper, and use plastic plates and flatware if they want. Leave your pretensions at the door.

5. Thanksgiving should not be stressful, for anyone. If cooking Thanksgiving dinner creates too much chaos, make everyone chip in and order a premade meal. Check your local grocery and see what they offer or google Premade Thanksgiving meals in your area.

6. All Are Welcome. Thanksgiving is the one day where color, religion and all other dividing bullshit should be set aside. This is the day we break bread together and be thankful for our blessings. Set aside your differences and get along with your brothers and sisters. All of them. Life is too short to keep shitting on each other. 

7. NO DRINKING AND DRIVING! Uber, Lyft, and yellow cab are happy to get you home. In the morning, you can have your car back.  

If all else fails, do what I do, grab a bottle of wine, and sit in the corner playing a game of Thanksgiving Bingo with yourself and the bottle of wine. 

Here's A Step-by-Step Guide To Not Screwing Up Mother's Day.

Below is a foolproof 10-step method to make sure mom has the perfect Mother's Day.

Step 1. Let mom sleep in. Get up, be quiet and wait for her to come to you. I know, totally a crazy concept but trust me, she will be the nicest person you ever met if you leave that poor tired woman the f*ck alone. Dad, take the baby and GO!

Step 2. Breakfast in Bed is phenomenal, yes, but what mom really loves is when you clean up after making the breakfast. Seriously, if it takes her longer to clean the kitchen than enjoy her breakfast, then you failed. Miserably. Hint: Bring breakfast, give kisses and hugs, then GO CLEAN UP AFTER YOURSELF! Mom's mind will be BLOWN. Promise.

Step 3. The only thing better than a clean kitchen is a clean house. Give mom a break from Sunday chores and do them for her. Dad, walk around the house, pick up your socks, jocks and trousers you drop at the door when you get home. Kids, do the same. Clean up after yourselves ALL day.

Step 4. If nothing else, clean your room without bitching. Just that alone will make mom's day.

Step 5. Speaking of not bitching, everyone needs to try their best to get along. All day. I know, another crazy concept, but for one day no bothering mom with your first-world struggles. Write the rules down and post them if need be. Here, I'll get you started:

NO fighting, bickering, bitch slapping, toy hogging, sand/rock throwing, TV show fighting, eye gouging, fish hooking or douchebaggery.  Act like you actually love each other.

Step 6. Dad, while I'm sure you're perfectly agreeable and can find anything in the house you need, spend the day in a selfless state, maybe try actually looking for something first before asking. Consider moving the milk aside before giving up on finding the ketchup for your microwave hotdog. It's in there. LOOK!

Step 7. Mothers, bad news, Mother's Day belongs to your Mother and Mother-in-law, too. Sucks, I know but... you're going to have to share your day with them, however,  NOT THE WHOLE DAMN DAY! Set boundaries. Have your time. Do something for you! And just like the kids, you have rules here including, no bickering, bitch slapping or wine/rock throwing.

Step 8. Y'all, Mom loves a good nap and may want to take one. DO NOT ask every five minutes if she's awake or when is she going wake up. I can assure you her honest answer is WHEN SHE IS READY!

Step 9. If mom cleaned the house on Saturday and there is no housework needed, don't screw it up! If the house is clean, leave it that way. No sticky fingers or Popsicles left to melt on the table. Do not get food on the couch, floor, bed or dog. In fact, don't even eat one goldfish cracker on Mother's Day.  It's only for one day, surely you can make some sort of fun game out of not screwing the place up.

Step 10. Remove the umbilical cord and let mom run free for a few hours. If mom wants to read a book, run out for a Mani/Pedi, shopping trip or peace and quiet, let her go, ALONE! Then, encourage her to enjoy herself and not worry. This also means, no calling every five minutes about a fight, food or when she's going to be home. Just know she's enjoying herself. That's what matters most on Mother's Day.

Inspired by Liam and Miley: The So Not Right Sh*t My Australian Husband and I Do To Each Other.

If you follow any social media channel at all then you know, recently, Liam Hemsworth has been posting videos of himself scaring Miley Cyrus. It's so bad, but for me, so relatable. In other words, my Australian husband and I do the evilest shit to each other, too! Of course, it’s all in good fun. But, sometimes, only one of us is having fun. 

In order from when we met, some of the shittiest things we’ve done to each other:

Green Apple Splatters

While I certainly love a good Pale Ale, I also like fruity drinks. One of the first fruity drinks I had in Australia was a green apple flavored malt-ish beverage. Adam told me they were called, Green Apple Splatters. So the next time we went grocery shopping, while we were checking out he told me to go over to the liquor store, (he actually called it a Bottle Shop because that’s what a liquor store is called in Australia) to get my new favorite, green apple splatters.

When the bottle shop attendant asked me what I wanted, I said, "Green Apple Splatters." She looked at me confused. I told her that they were green apple flavored in bottles. She walked me over to the beer section, and the two of us started looking for green apple splatters. Within a minute, Adam walks up, and I tell him we can’t find them. He breaks out into a fit of laughter, then tells the girl exactly what it is that I’m looking for. She then breaks out into a fit of laughter.

I look at him. Now I’m the one confused. He says, "We call them green apple splatters because the next morning you splatter the toilet bowl when they run through you."


Payback, my first Thanksgiving in Australia.


Two days before my first Thanksgiving in Australia, while having dinner with my mother-in-law and two brothers-in-law, Adam says, "We want to do something special for you for Thanksgiving. How do you celebrate? What can we do to make it just like home?"

I told him that in America we dress up as Cowboys, Indians, and Europeans and have a huge battle in the backyard. Whoever loses has to do the dishes. They asked me questions, and I answered them to my best of lying abilities. The next day, when I was bombarded by the family with what they were going to wear, how they were going to battle, I came clean. I let everybody know it was bullshit. We ended up going to an American-style restaurant and ate a ton of french fries and fried chicken. #GoodTimes

His payback, Sea Same Chicken
 
Something that really amazed me living in Australia was that people thought American accents were "melodic and beautiful." They love to hear me talk. I once had two kids stare at me like I was an alien because they’ve “never met an American in real life.” 

So one night, shortly after meeting my husband’s best friends, Mr. J and Mr. D, we had a little get together and decided to order Chinese takeaway. My husband insisted that I do the ordering because they would love to hear an American. I went right along with it.

They gave me the order, which included sesame chicken. Except, Adam swore up-and-down it was called, SEA SAME chicken. His damn friends agreed. Y’all, I goddamn ordered the SEA SAME chicken. Needless to say, he and his mates full-on pissed themselves laughing.

My payback, fireflies.

When I brought Adam back to the States for the second time, it was mid-June. I had a third-floor walk-up with a really nice balcony overlooking a park. Not long after we arrived back, I hear him yell out, "Baby! Come here!" I could tell by the tone of his voice something was not right. I run out to join him on the balcony when he points out to mid-air and says, "Did you see that?"

I have no idea what he’s pointing at. A few seconds later, a firefly blinks right in between us. He points at it and yells out, "That! That bug just lit up!"

I said, "Oh yeah, they are government bugs. They take photos of us periodically."

Mortified, he runs inside and sits down at his computer. A few minutes later I hear him yell out, "They're bloody fireflies."



All of these things happened within the first two years of us being together. We’ve been together 10 years, and we still strive to shock the shit out of each other, trick, or scare each other every chance we get.  How else are we supposed to keep it interesting?

Bottom line:  Australians are a breed their own, and I’m so thankful that I get to call one my husband.

Oh! And for those of you shocked by Miley Cyrus saying, "C*NT," in Australia it's the equivalent of "bitch" in the states. Aussies will completely disarm an American of the word in two weeks or less.

Top 10 Words Of Wisdom for ALL parents.

I'm pretty sure if God gave out 10 Parenting Commandments, this is what they would be...

1. Laugh at yourself- First and foremost, Laugh. Parenting is hard enough, if you don't find the humor in it, you will go batshit by the end of the first 6-weeks.

2. Laugh at your child- Kids are hysterical, laugh at them. Most of all, laugh with them.

3. Forgive yourself- There is no such thing as the perfect parent. No. Such. Thing. We all make mistakes. If at first you don't succeed... you will eventually.

4. Forgive your child. Those little shits... mean well. Just like us, kids make mistakes too. It's part of life. For little ones, life is all about trying new things and testing limits. They are bound to screw up a few (hundred) times.

5. The Joneses are assholes- Damn those Joneses trying to set standards and pass judgments. Pay no attention to the talking heads, they don't know you or your child.

6.  Your instinct is right, listen to it. Mom. Dad. Listen to your inner parent, it knows what's best. Don't let someone or some book make you think otherwise. Start with your instinct, then go from there.

7. The "Right Way" is the way that works for your family. Your family is the new normal. Don't let a book tell you your instinct is wrong. You know your child(ren) better than anyone else, work within those bounds.

8. Say I love you and hug your family every day. Who doesn't love a little acknowledgment and affection? I know kids especially do. So give it to them. Make there be no question just how loved they are.

9. The dishes can wait. Don't sacrifice your family time. Take the time to be with your family now, because tomorrow is not promised. Besides, the dishes will always be there.

10. Love every second and every stage because when they pass, you will miss them dearly. Yes, even the really annoying stages. Every day goes by so fast, try to remember and document as much as possible.

In Honor of The 2018 May Primaries Next Week...10 Ways Toddlers and Politicians Are Alike, Especially Around Election Time. #vote

Between the mud-slinging, name calling, lies and full-on diarrhea mouth spewing from political ads in anticipation of next Tuesday's 2018 May Primary, It's like watching toddlers playing together. The similarities just kept mounting. I always try to avoid talking politics, but in this case, I can't help myself. Below are 10 ways toddlers and politicians are alike, especially around election time...

1. They don't play well with others.

2. They like telling on people.

3. They depend on other people to clean up their messes and teach them how to behave.




4. They want to be just like mommy and daddy when they grow up.

5. They like being the center of attention.

6. They like getting dirty.

7. They're shameless.

8. They throw tantrums when they don't get their way.

9. They are constantly changing their mind.

10. You're always left wondering how much of the story to believe.

20 Reasons Toddlers Are Truly BatSh!t Crazy By Nature

As the man-child gets older and adds speaking freely, thinking freely and acting freely to his repertoire of toddler conduct, life has gotten much more interesting. It's become clear that more codes of conduct have been hard-wired into his DNA than previously thought...

Without further ado, I present the latest installment in The Toddler Code Of Conduct--Part II: The Age Of Independence... 20 More Rules Toddlers Live By.

1. When your parent(s) appear to be having a deep conversation with another adult, announce that you have to poop. If you are still in diapers, extra credit awarded for grunting and straining to make it appear like you are trying to pass a brick. 

2. When being served a banana, if it breaks during the peeling process, REFUSE to eat it. Actually, make that the rule for anything that breaks before being served. Yes, even cookies. 

3. When out to eat, stand up in the booth, then turn around and stare at the person eating behind you for so long it becomes creepy.

4. If someone tries to take something from you, make them sorry.  Hold tight while flailing and screaming. If they manage to pry it out of your hands, channel the Incredible Hulk and explode on them.

5. Potty Training... (a.k.a The Great Chocolate Caper) Should NOT be easy for anyone involved. Well, unless chocolate and sweet treats are not your thing. The harder you make it, the longer you will get rewarded for crapping in the potty.

6. MAKE A MESS! That is your mantra. Make the most of every opportunity to wreck the joint. Get creative. Go nuts. Think: Filthy Wild Mess. Make sure it's clear where you have been...Store your toys in the hall, in shoes, in the cat's/dog's bed, in the refrigerator, in the toilet, bathtub, front yard... anywhere but where your parents want them.  

7. When you pass gas, laugh hysterically and then in your loudest voice announce, "HA HA I JUST FARTED." Legend status achieved if four or more people are present.

8. Before you touch anything on your plate, demand the food off everyone else's first. 

9. Shoes, clothes and vegetables are stupid. Avoid them. 

10. DO NOT sleep-in on the weekends. If the sun rises before you, then you have failed. If you do not see the tears in your parent's eyes when waking them up before dawn, then you have failed. 

11. Life is one big game of Tag. Everyone is 'It.' RUN FROM THEM! Use tables to play epic games of, You Can't Catch Me, by crawling under them and running around them. 

12. When no one is looking, try something really naughty. Something like climbing on furniture, jump on the bed, pull a chair over to the counter to grab a knife, chase the cat or dog. Something you are sure you will get yelled at if caught. Live a little. 

13. While out for walks, stop every six inches to poke, pick-up, drop or kick something.  Every dog in the neighborhood should be lapping you on walks.  Even the German Shepherd that stops every foot to mark it's territory.

14. Repeat EVERY word you hear. Every. Single. One. 

15. This is the only time of your life you can say bad words in public and not get in trouble. Remember, they think you are trying to say, truck, duck, chip, bridge, and ship. GO WITH IT! Drop Truck bombs all over the place!  

16. Phones and tablets were put on this earth for you. Seek them out. Always.

17. Act like a perfect little angel while in the care of others. Think, all smiles through Pleases and Thank Yous and well timed trips to the potty. It will keep your parents guessing and slightly annoyed. 

18. The backseat of the car is your domain.  Mark it by creating a sea of goldfish crackers. Feed the goldfish juice and crumbs whenever possible. 

19. Before you play with your toys, play with everything else first. Including but not limited to, everything in the house that is repeatedly referred to as, "not for you."

20. Last, and most important, to keep toddler legend perfect little angel status... at least once a week, WOW your parents with your undeniable wit and charm. One week bust out the ABC's or Itsy Bitsy Spider. Then the next week, count to ten.  In between, announce observations of your surroundings using words they have never heard you say before. Also, give kisses, hugs, cheeky grins and/or say I WUV You, the second you think they are on to you.

For the original Toddler Code of Conduct-Twenty Rules Toddlers Live By... CLICK HERE

How Well Do Your Kids Know You? Find Out With This Fun Kid Quiz

Children are funny little buggers in the way they see and interpret the world, including their ideas of age, measurements, time and of course, possessions. The best part is that kids are sure their interpretations and ideas are straight-up Gospel, and happy to spread their good word. Even if it makes you 104 years old, weighing ten pounds and standing a solid 10,500 inches tall. 

How well do your kids know you? Do they know how old you are? Or how tall you are? What about your favorite food or TV show? Or, does your kid just think all their favorite things are your favorite things? Little narcissists... 

Below are sixteen fun questions to ask your children to find out how well they know you. (Thanks for sharing these with me, Talia! Ollie only knew the correct answer to 7 of the questions. Of course, he'll tell you he got them all correct.)

WITHOUT prompting, ask your child these questions.

1. What is something I say a lot? 
2. What makes me happy? 
3. What makes me sad? 
4. How tall am I? 
5. What's my favorite thing to do? 
6. What is my favorite food?
7. What is my favorite drink? 
8. If I could go anywhere, where would I be? 
9. Do you think you could live without me? 
10. How do I annoy you? 
11. What is my favorite TV show? 
12. What is my favorite music to listen to! 
13. What is my job? 
14. How old am I? 
15. what's my favorite color? 
16. How much do you love me? 

Tips To Get Festive For The Holidays, Today!

I just can't get my head around the fact next week, the month-long Holiday adventure of December kicks off!

HOW?

Wasn't it just, August?

I am so not ready!

If, like me, you are freaking out and need to get your festive-on and fast, below are a few fun ways to get festive for the holidays!

Make something sentimental that will last 

If you’re hoping to do something a little different this year – or expand your outdoor Christmas decoration box, then why not consider some festive signage? Custom metal signs made for home decor are ideal in this scenario, a large red sign that reads – Santa, We've been so good! You can choose anything you want. Unless you're my husband, then, NO! You can't write THAT on a sign! – is a cute and quirky way to bring in the festive cheer – that you can bring out year after year.

Be Unconventional

There's always the hottest Christmas trend of 2018, the pineapple Christmas tree! (I swear I'm not kidding!)

Buy out the dollar store

Go to the Dollar Tree after work. Buy a bunch of holiday decorations. Go home, put them in the middle if the floor and fire uo the leaf blower. #GoodTimes

Create something classic

Remember when we were kids and most decorations were made of foil and stretched from one end of the room to the other? Nowadays it seems to be all flashing lights and stylish, designer trees that no one is allowed to touch! Well, why not bring back a classic Christmas feel – and create some pretty homemade decorations?

A wonderful activity you can do with the kids to make it extra special, something like a simple paper chain made of brightly colored card, throw on some glitter and you’re good to go. These can go anywhere too – so if your tree is looking a little sparse or you want to decorate a doorframe or mirror, coat the house with homemade crafts!  

And as the kids get older, when the decorations appear again it’s an extra special touch for you and your family to look back on and smile.

The Christmas Table

Usually, on the big day, we can’t see the table, thanks to the mountains of food, paper hats and Christmas cracker debris scattered everywhere. But before the magical day arrives there’s nothing to stop you decorating the table and letting everyone know that Christmas is just one less sleep away. Find a tablecloth that’s festive or one with a bright color that will only come out at this time of year.

And don’t forget your placements and coasters too. Not only will they look beautiful and festive, but they’ll also protect your table from the inevitable gravy drips and wine drops!

Fairy lights

Who said that twinkly lights were only for the tree? LED lights can be purchased in various lengths and sizes of bulbs, so if you’re looking for something delicate to drape over a mirror, or attach to a garland you have on your mantlepiece, fairy lights are a really special addition to any room and give it a festive feel. You don’t even have to take them down when Christmas is over!