YAY! The Holidays Are Here, Bring On The Family Dysfunction...

The holidays can completely consume me if I let them, and not in a good way. I get so rapt in buying the perfect gifts, making the perfect dishes, finding the perfect holiday party outfits... Then there is the juggling family celebrations and the dysfunction junction it creates.

Well, this year, I'm not having it.

Just kidding, my family is nuts, I have no control. In fact, I jump right on in with them!

I know my family and the strange dysfunction the holidays instills in them. Here's how it's gonna go down.

Regardless of it being Thanksgiving Dinner or Christmas Brunch, half my family will arrive late,with at least one person/family being REALLY late. Which, will piss someone off enough to accelerate their drinking, so once the late comer walks through the door shit will hit the fan. Those two will spend the next hour or so not speaking until the late comer drinks enough to get on the level of the pissed off one, and try to hash it out.

This will result in either a bigger fight or a few, "I love you, I'm sorrys."

The food will be a potluck of epic proportions. No one in my family is capable of making anything by the recipe. My brother will bring the Turducken. My sister horseradish roasted garlic and possibly white cheddar mashed potatoes; my mom will bake four pies and pull off a fresh cranberry relish with orange zest and jalapenos... And just because FTD totally doesn't get the holiday, he's contribution will be meat pies and sausage rolls.  

Then, for fun, I pull out the paper plates and hand them to my mother and watch her lose her shit, tell me how she knew I would do that, and then run to her car to get the China she brought, "Just in case."

While she is out getting the China, I will be rallying my siblings to help me talk mom into the easy clean-up plan. Knowing full the fight is going to be fruitless because she will wave us away and insist that she LOVES doing the dishes, and will take care of it. 

After the the China is laid out and the food hits the table, corralling three toddlers and two pre-teens will commence. No doubt, this will go incredibly well. 

Two and half hours later...

We will all be seated and starving. My mom will kick-off a beautiful blessing that seems to do a few victory laps around the table while she says why she is thankful for each one of us.

45 minutes later...

 We can FINALLY inhale our Thanksgiving feast.

Once the meal is over, immediately talk of "parades to the toilet" will be held by the men, while the women fight child fingers out of the pies.

My friends, I CANNOT FREAKING WAIT!!!!!!!

I love my super jacked up dysfunctional family. They make me feel normal. Every year, I tell myself I will not let the holidays win. They will not eat me alive. I will not let the stress overtake the fun. My mantra this year is: Be laid back.

What about you? Is your T-day full of dysfunction and touchdowns?


April is an award-winning writer and blogger. Her work has been published in over ten countries and four languages. From books to newspapers, to print/online magazines and everything in between, you can find her work. For more on April, Visit AprilMcCormick.com