Here's A Step-by-Step Guide To Not Screwing Up Mother's Day.

April 24, 2019

Below is a foolproof 10-step method to make sure mom has the perfect Mother's Day.




Step 1. Let mom sleep in. Get up, be quiet and wait for her to come to you. I know, totally a crazy concept but trust me, she will be the nicest person you ever met if you leave that poor tired woman the f*ck alone. Dad, take the baby and GO!



Step 2. Breakfast in Bed is phenomenal, yes, but what mom really loves is when you clean up after making the breakfast. Seriously, if it takes her longer to clean the kitchen than enjoy her breakfast, then you failed. Miserably. Hint: Bring breakfast, give kisses and hugs, then GO CLEAN UP AFTER YOURSELF! Mom's mind will be BLOWN. Promise.




Step 3. The only thing better than a clean kitchen is a clean house. Give mom a break from Sunday chores and do them for her. Dad, walk around the house, pick up your socks, jocks and trousers you drop at the door when you get home. Kids, do the same. Clean up after yourselves ALL day.

Step 4. If nothing else, clean your room without bitching. Just that alone will make mom's day.

Step 5. Speaking of not bitching, everyone needs to try their best to get along. All day. I know, another crazy concept, but for one day no bothering mom with your first-world struggles. Write the rules down and post them if need be. Here, I'll get you started:

NO fighting, bickering, bitch slapping, toy hogging, sand/rock throwing, TV show fighting, eye gouging, fish hooking or douchebaggery.  Act like you actually love each other.




Step 6. Dad, while I'm sure you're perfectly agreeable and can find anything in the house you need, spend the day in a selfless state, maybe try actually looking for something first before asking. Consider moving the milk aside before giving up on finding the ketchup for your microwave hotdog. It's in there. LOOK!



Step 7. Mothers, bad news, Mother's Day belongs to your Mother and Mother-in-law, too. Sucks, I know but... you're going to have to share your day with them, however,  NOT THE WHOLE DAMN DAY! Set boundaries. Have your time. Do something for you! And just like the kids, you have rules here including, no bickering, bitch slapping or wine/rock throwing.



Step 8. Y'all, Mom loves a good nap and may want to take one. DO NOT ask every five minutes if she's awake or when is she going wake up. I can assure you her honest answer is WHEN SHE IS READY!

Step 9. If mom cleaned the house on Saturday and there is no housework needed, don't screw it up! If the house is clean, leave it that way. No sticky fingers or Popsicles left to melt on the table. Do not get food on the couch, floor, bed or dog. In fact, don't even eat one goldfish cracker on Mother's Day.  It's only for one day, surely you can make some sort of fun game out of not screwing the place up.

Step 10. Remove the umbilical cord and let mom run free for a few hours. If mom wants to read a book, run out for a Mani/Pedi, shopping trip or peace and quiet, let her go, ALONE! Then, encourage her to enjoy herself and not worry. This also means, no calling every five minutes about a fight, food or when she's going to be home. Just know she's enjoying herself. That's what matters most on Mother's Day.







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