7 Tips For Surviving Being Married ... With Children

I once heard the leading cause of divorce is marriage. I'm now convinced, it's children that lead the pack to divorce. It's so hard to stay connected mentally and physically to your partner when your children are physically stuck to you while mentally destroying you.

We have watched many happy couples during the first few years of becoming new parents struggle with balancing their relationship and being parents. Sadly, many of those couples are now divorced. Now, infidelity, abusers, liars and fu@kwits are one thing, but for the couples that just fell out of love, I get it. The Aussie and I have had many, many ups and downs in our relationship since becoming parents.

Today, we are celebrating seven gloriously years of marriage. (Think: War & Peace meets dirty porn. Kidding... maybe...) It's been amazing, hard, annoying, fulfilling and as much as I want to throat punch the fu*ker sometimes, I am so happy and blessed to call him my partner in life. In honor of our seventh wedding anniversary, we wanted to share a few tips we've learned the hard way about being married with children.

1. It takes so much friggin' work. During the days leading up to our wedding, we asked people about the secret to a long marriage, all of them answered almost word-for-word, It's not easy, it takes work. They were right. Marriage is anything but easy. Marriage takes loads of compromise, putting yourself second, but not all the time, accepting an opposing opinion, alternating weekend days so you both get a morning to sleep in... Basically, when times get tough, you have to work through the issue as a team. You know, the whole United We Stand, Divided We Fall, thing, it applies to marriage big time.

2. Talk to each other, not at each other.  Communication is Key. You have to talk to each other, and not just about the shit that annoys you about each other. Talk about your day, current events, the neighbors, whatever, just talk. A couple of years ago we fell into a nonverbal funk. We both knew we were drifting apart, so we agreed to spend at least 10-15 minutes each night after our son went to bed talking. We migrated out to the porch, sometimes walked around the house, sometimes had a beer. To this day, we go outside together at night regularly. It's really nice.

3. Affection is what sets you apart. Nothing beats hella good intimacy in a marriage. I once read that the fastest way for couples to reconnect is to have sex every day for 30 days straight.  I can definitely get down with that. The couples that stick together, well, stick together.

4. Date Nights Are Not Optional. Date nights are essential for staying connected. Especially, if you have children. You have to get out monthly and be human together. Not parents, humans. The people you are deep down inside underneath the baby spew, yoga pants, football games, practices, and recitals. Leave all that shit at the door and go out like two kids about to wreck the town. TIP: Can't afford a babysitter and dinner? (Who can anymore?) Order takeout and have a picnic in the yard, set the patio table with candles or make a carpet picnic and play music.

5. Be Independent. There is more to life than each other. It's unhealthy for one half of the partnership to live only through the other. Both of you need friends, events, and hobbies outside of your marriage. No one likes to be smothered. TIP: At least once a month go out independently with friends, retail therapy, a walk...

6. It's Not Supposed To Be Onesided. It's not fair for one half of the partnership to be in charge of dealing with all the crappy stuff. No friggin' way should only one person always cook, clean, change diapers, drop off, pickup, control the TV, wake up early with the kids on the weekend... Nothing brings on resentment faster. Write out everything it takes to keep the ship sailing smooth and work together to share the responsibilities. Both of you deserve to sit down at the end of the day.

7. Say, I love you and makeout, every day.  Love and affection are such an integral part of marriage. Every single day take at least a moment to appreciate each other and your relationship.  Tell your partner in life, I love you. Look into each others eyes and reconnect. Makeout. Be there in the moment with each other. Let everything else fades away. Because, in the end, that's one of the magical things about your partner, when you're together, the world melts away.


How do you keep the marriage fresh? Were you surprised about the huge amount of stress children put on the happiest of marriages? Me too. I've written many articles over the years about the ups and downs of marriage here.

How to Survive Being Married... With Children.

I once heard the leading cause of divorce is marriage. I'm now convinced, it's children that lead the pack to divorce. It's so hard to stay connected mentally and physically to your partner when your children are physically stuck to you while mentally destroying you.

We have watched many happy couples during the first few years of becoming new parents struggle with balancing their relationship and being parents. Sadly, many of those couples are now divorced. Now, infidelity, abusers, liars and fu@kwits are one thing, but for the couples that just fell out of love, I get it. The Aussie and I have had many, many ups and downs in our relationship since becoming parents.

Today, we are celebrating seven gloriously years of marriage. (Think: War & Peace meets dirty porn. Kidding... maybe...) It's been amazing, hard, annoying, fulfilling and as much as I want to throat punch the fu*ker sometimes, I am so happy and blessed to call him my partner in life. In honor of our seventh wedding anniversary, we wanted to share a few tips we've learned the hard way about being married with children.

1. It takes so much friggin' work. During the days leading up to our wedding, we asked people about the secret to a long marriage, all of them answered almost word-for-word, It's not easy, it takes work. They were right. Marriage is anything but easy. Marriage takes loads of compromise, putting yourself second, but not all the time, accepting an opposing opinion, alternating weekend days so you both get a morning to sleep in... Basically, when times get tough, you have to work through the issue as a team. You know, the whole United We Stand, Divided We Fall, thing, it applies to marriage big time.

2. Talk to each other, not at each other.  Communication is Key. You have to talk to each other, and not just about the shit that annoys you about each other. Talk about your day, current events, the neighbors, whatever, just talk. A couple of years ago we fell into a nonverbal funk. We both knew we were drifting apart, so we agreed to spend at least 10-15 minutes each night after our son went to bed talking. We migrated out to the porch, sometimes walked around the house, sometimes had a beer. To this day, we go outside together at night regularly. It's really nice.

3. Affection is what sets you apart. Nothing beats hella good intimacy in a marriage. I once read that the fastest way for couples to reconnect is to have sex every day for 30 days straight.  I can definitely get down with that. The couples that stick together, well, stick together.

4. Date Nights Are Not Optional. Date nights are essential for staying connected. Especially, if you have children. You have to get out monthly and be human together. Not parents, humans. The people you are deep down inside underneath the baby spew, yoga pants, football games, practices, and recitals. Leave all that shit at the door and go out like two kids about to wreck the town. TIP: Can't afford a babysitter and dinner? (Who can anymore?) Order takeout and have a picnic in the yard, set the patio table with candles or make a carpet picnic and play music.

5. Be Independent. There is more to life than each other. It's unhealthy for one half of the partnership to live only through the other. Both of you need friends, events, and hobbies outside of your marriage. No one likes to be smothered. TIP: At least once a month go out independently with friends, retail therapy, a walk...

6. It's Not Supposed To Be Onesided. It's not fair for one half of the partnership to be in charge of dealing with all the crappy stuff. No friggin' way should only one person always cook, clean, change diapers, drop off, pickup, control the TV, wake up early with the kids on the weekend... Nothing brings on resentment faster. Write out everything it takes to keep the ship sailing smooth and work together to share the responsibilities. Both of you deserve to sit down at the end of the day.

7. Say, I love you and makeout, every day.  Love and affection are such an integral part of marriage. Every single day take at least a moment to appreciate each other and your relationship.  Tell your partner in life, I love you. Look into each others eyes and reconnect. Makeout. Be there in the moment with each other. Let everything else fades away. Because, in the end, that's one of the magical things about your partner, when you're together, the world melts away.


How do you keep the marriage fresh? Were you surprised about the huge amount of stress children put on the happiest of marriages? Me too. I've written many articles over the years about the ups and downs of marriage here.

Babies Eat Bliss

Friday's fan question comes from one of my favorite mums....  And it is a gooood one!


Q. What has been the most difficult thing about becoming new parents, besides lack of sleep?

A. First of all, very smart throwing in 'besides lack of sleep,' because easily that has been the most difficult, it has made even the most mundane daily tasks difficult.

That being said, both FTD and I agree a very close second is keeping the bliss in our marriage. Oliver ate the bliss.  Ok, I should not blame Ollie per se, it is just that having a baby has consumed our time and energy, thus leaving little time for *us.* At the end of the day we climb into bed sleepy eyed, force a smile, a good night a kiss and pass out.  Before the birth of our son (ahem, my pregnancy), we were blissful, madly in love and had no trouble maintaining a happy marriage.

Ok, now... I want to kill that muthaf...

Having a baby thrown into the mix of our relationship flipped us on our heads. Both during my pregnancy and early days of having a new baby, some days I felt like I didn't even know the man I married. FTD nods and adds that he felt the same about the stranger I bacame at times.  Our views and ideas for raising a child were sometimes in line, then sometimes so far apart I yelled divorce and ran off.

The first couple of months of our son's life we disagreed more than we agreed.  I blame 25% of that on the sleep deprivation, 25% of just plain fear of being new parents, 25% on our cultural differences and views for child rearing and 25% on FTD being too stupid to just agree with me.  I would insist that I had the God given gift of mother's instinct, so I just knew something was right.

I wish I could say our marriage is all better now, but it is not.  We have to work extra hard at having a blissful marriage, where we didn't before.  The stress of having a child and pile of new bills and expenses is very taxing for us. Very taxing. There is still a lot of fear associated with having a baby and S.I.D.S. (cot death)  I think we also project that fear into our relationship woes.

I have come to the conclusion that until life with baby gets a little easier, my marriage will suffer.  Sad, but the honest truth.  We have made the decision to put our child before our marriage. I am sure that is wrong, but it is what we have just naturally done.  Regardless, one thing that we never do is allow our frustration with each other spill over onto our child.

I learned a long time ago, 'Having a child is a process, not an event.'  We are new to this and learn something everyday. Our son is #1, our marriage is #2 right now.  The one thing I guess we have realized in all of this is that we love each other very much. We power through the fights, disagreements and fear together, albeit ugly as hell sometimes. I have faith that when the dust settles of being new parents, we will emerge stronger and more in love than ever.




Thanks again Mrs. H!  This question caused me to get up an kiss FTD, TWICE!  Having a new baby is so damn difficult all around, but so incredibly worth all of the angst and confusion.


(Have a question about anything?  Email me firstimemomanddad @gmail.com and I will answer it in an upcoming Friday Fan Question post.)





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The Date That Saved My Marriage

One thing I talk about off and on is how having a baby can be absolute hell on a relationship. I am convinced that Babies Eat Bliss. In my own personal experience, and from talking with other new parents, the stress, lack of sleep, internal fear and insecurities about parenthood, and even the financial burden can/will crack even the strongest of relationships.

FTD and I have been struggling since nearly the first month of our son's life. Between the constant fear of SIDS (cot death), lack of sleep, struggles with nursing, financial burden, and of course, our sometimes different ideas on childrearing... we were both maxed out emotionally. At times, it was just way too much for our relationship.

Marital Bliss after baby… at first-NOT SO MUCH! In time- ABSOLUTELY!

My most read and commented on post from tiredofbeingpregnant.com is “I’m Pregnant and Hate my Husband.”  I wrote that post on August 3, 2011, NEARLY A YEAR AGO!  I have full on been a nasty mean beast to my husband for nearly a year now. I really do feel bad for my him.   Before getting pregnant I loved my man so much, we were newlyweds for cripes sake!  I get knocked up and go crazy hormonal lioness on his ass. 

Did he deserve it? When I was still pregnant I would have told you he absolutely deserved it. Simple, when I got pregnant, he got annoying!  When I say annoying I mean he got to eat what ever he wanted, wear normal pants, sleep on his belly and breathe in and out of his nose 24/7.  For someone who couldn’t do any of those things…that’s freaking annoying!

By week 36 I would rip his head of, and then apologize for my psychosis in the very next breath.  I kept promising that once I delivered sweet Oliver, I would be his sweet wife again.  HA!  That lie became the effing laugh of the decade, for me only of course. After delivering Oliver my marriage suffered twice as bad as when I was pregnant.

I yelled at my husband regularly, told him I hated him and even threw the divorce word out there a few times.  The first two months of parenting were complete hell on our relationship.  I blame the extreme pressure and stress of being new parents, the extreme lack of sleep and of course my still raging hormones. 

The only positive to this is that the last four months have been such a learning experience and time of growth for our marriage.  I look back and sigh and shake my head.  What a crazy rollercoaster ride my marriage has been on. The only solace I found was talking with other couples that promised the fighting was actually normal. Most all of them said they went through similar issues and growing pains.

Thankfully I can finally say 4 ½ months into my son’s life, his mommy and daddy have emerged from the haze and craze of being new parents very much in love. Somehow, what seems like over night, a beautiful peace and calm has emerged in my house.  My husband and I are kind, considerate, loving and affectionate. We have settled well into parenting and respecting each other’s methods and ideas for raising our son.  We are sharing the duties and sleeping much better. We are finally co parenting respectfully. Thank God! I think we have finally made it to the end of the constant bickering and angst! It is a blessing and beautiful thing.

A note from me to the person reading this completely relating and praying for the same outcome:  I know it’s hard and painful to constantly be fighting with the person you love. I understand how scary it is thinking about raising your child in a broken home.  You have two choices, fight or flight.  As much as I wanted to choose flight in my sleepless hormone induced rage, my son was worth every bit of the fight.  I stuck it out, my husband and I worked it out. Finally nearly 5 months into parenting, we have found the happy common ground and the passion in our marriage. You can get there too.  Becoming new parents is so scary at first, but once you both get the hang of it there is such a sense of accomplishment, and a new respect for each other will blossom.  Wait for that, and bask in the happiness and cohesiveness of your new family. 

Now, to end on a funny note...

Who Knew This Whole Married With Children Thing Would Be So Damn Hard?

Most all of you know the story of how FTD and I met, (if not you can read it here.) It was a true fairy tale. Love at first sight. Fire in my heart and soul the minute our eyes met. To this very day, when he kisses me, my heart skips a beat. When he holds me close, all of my fears and anxieties melt away. It's truly magic.

HOWEVER.

It's not all unicorns and rainbows. We still have our disagreements. Our fights. Nights on the couch. Silent treatments... FOR DAYS.

And since having a child... those disagreements, have increased by a GAZILLION.

Somebody once told me, "Not even an affair will test a marriage like a child."  I have no doubt they were right.

Between the stress, fear, uncertainty, anxiety and different ideas for raising our child, it's been rough at times. To say the least!

The first few months of our son's life were the hardest. We were terrified and worn-ass-out new parents. Thankfully, I had plenty of friends who had already walked in our shoes, and every single one promised the fighting was normal, and would get better.

They were right. But it took a little while.

And when I say a little while, I mean three years and counting...

While we still bicker over bath time and who gets to deal with the toddler tantrum, we have found a good groove for co-parenting a wild ass toddler. Which, has helped to reduce the nights on the couch tremendously.

The one area we are still failing miserably at is date nights. FTD and I have only been out without Ollie THREE times in three years. This is such a fail. We are currently looking for a babysitter we can trust, because we know how important that time away is to reconnect.

For now, every night after Ollie goes to sleep, we go outside and sit on the porch and talk. Every night. This has been HUGE for us. We get away from our computers and TV, leave the phones inside, and just sit and talk about our day. We laugh and joke and cuddle to stay warm.  Sometimes we walk around the front or back and look at our garden, or make plans for the summer. I look forward to this time everyday. It's my favorite.

If you too are dealing with the ups and downs of parenting and marriage woes, just know it does seem to get better/easier as the child gets older. Marriage takes work, and marriage with kids takes extra work. Make time for each other daily to reconnect and be present in each other's life. I really cannot recommend it enough. It makes a world of difference.

How do you reconnect?

10 Things The Parenting Books Are Afraid To Tell You

There's no doubt about it, the parenting books seem to leave out the scariest parts of parenting.  I get it, freaking out a pregnant chick is not the best thing to do, but making a new first-time parent think parenting is easy if you follow the steps in the book, is crap too!

In an effort to do the job the parenting books won't, and in honor of top 10 Tuesday, below are 10 Things The Parenting Books Are Afraid To Tell You.

What The Parenting Books Are Afraid To Say

There's no doubt about it, the parenting books seem to leave out the scariest parts of parenting.  I get it, freaking out a pregnant chick is not the best thing to do, but making a first-time parent think parenting is easy if you follow the steps in the book, is crap too!

In an effort to do the job the parenting books won't, and in honor of top 10 Tuesday, below are 10 Things The Parenting Books Are Afraid To Tell You.

Respectful Co-Parenting: 5 Things To Know

A friend once told me, "Not even infidelity tests a marriage like being new parents." Not knowing both sides, thankfully, I can only imagine it's true because after becomging parents, I went from having a beautiful, loving, respectful marriage, to one that was riddled with resentment, bickering, tears, and at times, full on yelling. The stress of being new parents, responsible for the most precious little miracle was a lot to handle, for both of us. Then, we did the worst thing possible; stopped communicating. 

Oh, if I could turn back time...

Since I can't turn back time to help my marriage navigate respectful co-parenting, I can, hopefully, help you and your parenting partner through the struggle. The following are my top five tips for respectful co-parenting. 

1. Communicate 

When I say communicate, screaming and yelling are not going to cut it, ever. Trust me.  No matter how mad or upset you may be, you've got to keep your cool and talk through the issue, otherwise, the issue will never get resolved. 

Communication is key in the early days to understand each other’s ideas and methods for parenting, and learning to calmly and respectfully talk through the differences.

2. Be Respectful

I’m not sure why this one was so difficult for me since before baby, I had so much respect and admiration for my very strong and talented husband. Then, I had our son.

For some reason, my inner know-it-all Princess bitch took over my ability to listen and be respectful of my husband's parenting methods. I was constantly critiquing everything he did. Even basic stuff like, holding, handling, changing, feeding, swaddling, bathing... I was constantly standing over him.  I was a maniac. I see that now. (Sorry, Baby, I love you!)

Being respectful of each other from the beginning is beyond beneficial to your marital- relationship, co-parenting rhythm and baby's well-being.   

3. Trust Each Other 

This one was so hard for me to grasp. I was so sure NO ONE could care for my baby as well as me, not even his father. I was afraid to leave him alone for too long or trust him to follow my long list of dos and dont's and stick to baby's routine. Oh what an asshole I was. 

I hurt my husband’s feelings so many times by not showing him that I trusted him to do what was best for his son.  Every time I would leave the house or let him do the something, I would give him a huge speech about how and when it should be done. This was so damning to our relationship.  

Have a little faith in each other. It'll make life so much easier.

4. Take Turns

Taking turns is such a wonderful way for both parents to test out their own parenting methods, and bond with their baby. Ideally, without the other parent standing over them the whole time. Or, really, any of the time.   

My husband and I now take turns with diapers, playtime, bath time and my all time favorite, getting up in the morning.  A friend of mine taught me to take turns getting up with the baby, especially on the weekends. This way both parents get to sleep in one day.  

Taking turns helps engage both parents in daily life, including meals, chores, bedtime, before school care. Plus, sharing responsibilities gives one parent a break and it lets your child(ren) have an equal amout of time with each parent. What's more, NO lopsided resentment can fester! Which, is a HUGE cause of co-parenting fights

5. Be Patient

You both are new parents. Which, is scary AF. Neither one of you have done this before, so be patient with one another.  Raising a child is so far from easy, it’s scary! Neither one of you knows everything, nor the best way to do everything.  It is essential that a great team be patient with each other, and of course the ever changing needs of the baby.

For My Birthday My Husband Bought Me A 100-Year-Old House!

It's true, last Friday we FINALLY closed on the 1920's fixer-upper. After almost two months of stress and more stress, we were given a closing date, that just happened to be on my birthday!  What a gift, huh?

The former owner's key... 

Let it be known right now, I am a wanna be writer, and FTD works for a school that caters to children with 'learning difference,' so while our income is above the poverty line, it's not anywhere near six-figures... so, saying my husband bought me a house for my birthday, and meaning it, is CRAY CRAY!

It's just so unbelievable we own a house.  Three months ago we never dreamed it really possible, with my lack of gainful employment and FTD's limited credit and employment history in the States.  Not-to-mention, thanks to our different nationalities (I'm American, FTD is Australian), it feels like we have spent our time and money proving that we should get to stay together. We never really felt like we should put down roots anywhere since immigration could pull them up at anytime during the residency process. I still feel like he could be taken from us at anytime.  Seriously. When I was pregnant with Ollie, we had a routine interview with immigration to verify our marriage and proof of having a true relationship. 

When the interviewing officer looked through our ultrasound photos, marriage certificate and letters from friends, she said, "I need more proof."  
I looked at her with my best, go right to hell, face, and said," I am carrying his child!,"  
She replied with, "I don't know it's actually his."  

You all, I wanted to climb over that desk and unleash my wild pregnancy hormones on her ass.  Yes, I know she was just doing her job, but for f'k's sake!

Sorry, I digress,  Our new house...

We finally closed last Friday, on my birthday.

Magic!

The day was absolutely magical.

I kept finding myself so overwhelmed by emotions that I just kept breaking out into tears. I honestly did not think the day would come.  Between Adam not holding a permanent residency card, to me not having an income worth a damn, I was sure the bank would pull the plug. I had to keep giving them more and more history of payments, tax forms, the promise of Ollie's first born son... It seemed like every time I gave them something, they wanted three more things.  It was never ending... Then the appraiser insisted on things being fixed, and since we bought the house, "as-is," we had to make the repairs or give up the house! The LONG, incredibly invasive, process was absolutely insane! Then, last Monday, I got the email with the closing date confirmed.  SAWEEEET!! No more 800sft, one bathroom, third floor walk-up, with no backyard and a toddler to remind me of that EVERYDAY!

FTD opening the door to our new home for the first time.

My friends, FTD did it...  He carried my rather plump derrière across the threshold into our new home. It was SO AMAZING!!! After tears, hugs and kisses, we turned to look at our new house... a.k.a the fixer-upper.  Lawd have mercy, we have our work cut out for us! Luckily, we bought a new grill and plenty of beer to take the sting out...

In all seriousness, we have elected to stay in the shoebox walk-up for three weeks while we tackle the place.  From hideous wallpaper, to asbestos tiles, to FILTHY carpet in Ollie's room that is covering horrifying linoleum that appears to have been super gorilla slime glued onto the near 100-year-old wood-- that we still have no freaking idea what we are going to do about--to a mystery leak in the garage, to cast-iron pipes that are corroding... and a yard full of amazing plants and flowers that are being strangled to death by euonymus--LOTS and LOTS of euonymus. Did I mention that we LOVE THIS PLACE?

I spent a good part of Sunday HACKING away at the euonymus.
I felt like an archaeologist trying to unearth ancient bones the way I had to carefully cut around the poor plants being strangled by the evil weed.

On our first night, we did what any new home owners would do-- We (FTD) put together our new grill, then invited our new SUPER AMAZING neighbors over who have a two year old boy that Ollie already talks about non-stop, and drank beers and grilled out in our new backyard.  BLISS!  Freaking. Bliss.

Then... Saturday morning rolled around...

The time had finally come for the renovation madness to begin. I tackled the hideous wallpaper, while FTD began the process of figuring out the electrical system and measuring the floors and windows. Thankfully, the house is structurally sound, so even though it needs quite a bit of love, it's not going to fall on our heads while we fix it up.

I'm not gonna lie, I hugged the walls and even kissed one.  I was finally home, and madly in love with every square inch of it... Happy Birthday To Me!

Ready for some #RenovationMadness DIY Photos? Don't worry, I will tell you all about my adventures in peeling the wallpaper, and FTD laying the hardwood over the horrible asbestos tiles.  But, for now, I am SO SO SO exhausted from our first weekend dealing with the madness, photos will have to do.  But don't worry, no way would I not let you in on the details of the insanity renovations. I learned quite a bit about stripping wallpaper this weekend... 

That Wallpaper... 
And while I'm at it, that green paint! and those WRECKED blinds... No really, I LOVE this house!
FYI: If you put wallpaper in your home,
one day someone will say VERY VERY VERY bad things about you... 

I started in one corner and... yeah, it sucked!
Thanks again, Shay and Hannah, for pointing out that mirror looks like the mirror from the ring.
I locked it in the closet...

This Instagram pretty much sums up how bad removing wallpaper sucks...
To see regular updates on the renovations, follow me on Instagram...
http://instagram.com/firsttimemomanddad 
 

Bye-bye asbestos tiles!
As much as we wanted to remove them,
our bank account and time decided otherwise.
FTD laid a floating laminate floor over them instead while we figure it all out.  

Look how pretty my kitchen floor is!

I am SO pleased at how nice the color match is between the new floor and the 100 year old original wood floors are!
YAY, FTD!
As I type this, he is still at the house finishing up the breakfast room.
He is so awesome!!!!

And last, what about the little guy you ask?  He is already over the renovations and wants to move in, "NOW, Mommy!" 

That second chair is for his new best friend.
I am SO happy about this.
What a blessing to have a super Two across the street! 

Happy last damn day of 2012

Good Bye 2012! Hello 2013!

I love the turn of the calender year. I see it as the end of a chapter in the book of life and the beginning of a new one. So much can happen in a year, it's hard not look forward and wonder where I will be this time next year.  It's also amazing to look back to where I was this time last year, and see how much has happened and changed...

First of all, I grew and delivered a human.  A freaking human!  I know how crazy I sound saying it like that, but seriously, it's still crazy to me that I have this beautiful perfect baby. What a blessing. I can not even begin to put into words the blessing that he is, and the unbelievable unconditional love I have for him.

Secondly, I survived the hazing of the first few months of Parenthood.  That shit is bananas! B.A.N.A.N.A.S! No sleep, pure confusion, constant second guessing, fear, pain and more pressure on my marriage than I thought it could take. But alas, my marriage is still in tact, and my son is not only still alive, he is super healthy, smart, happy and way ahead of the development curve on so many levels, so, hell yeah to me and FTD, we did it! 

Top five tips on Co-Parenting for New Parents

It is no secret my husband and I have struggled the last four months with being new parents.  A friend told me "not even infidelity tests a marriage like being new parents." I believe that is so true, because I went from having a beautiful marriage, to one that was riddled with bickering, tears, and at times full on yelling.  Luckily, four months into being new parents I can honestly say we are back on the mend.

The following are my top five tips for new parents trying to find a happy balance of co-parenting.

1. Communicate-

When I say communicate, screaming and yelling are not going to cut it, trust me!  No matter how mad or upset you are, you have got to keep your cool to talk through the issue, otherwise the issue will never get resolved.

I told my super wonderful sister in-law, who is a nurse in Australia, that I felt like an awful mother for screaming over Oliver.  She told me not only had she done a bit of screaming herself, every mother does at one point or another in the early days.  She promised her kids were fine, and Ollie would be too.  The hubs and I just needed to learn to use our library voices to discuss our issues and differences.

Communication is key in the early days to understanding each other’s ideas and methods for parenting, and calmly talking through the differences.

2. Be Respectful-

I’m not sure why this one was so difficult for me since before baby I had so much respect and admiration for my very strong and talented husband. For some reason my inner know-it-all princess bitch took over my ability to listen and respectful of my husbands way of handling, changing, feeding, swaddling, bathing, oh hell name it, I stood over him and threw up my two cents every time I thought necessary.  I was a maniac.

My husband is a full hands on dad.  He wants to do everything he possibly can and lives to show me how well he can do it.  I just never gave him the time and respect in the early days to show me.  Had I given him space to do his thing, it would have saved tons of arguments and I would have realized he’s a great father straight away.  To this day only he can get Ollie to nap in his crib during the day, I have created the co-napping monster.

Being respectful of each other from the beginning will be so beneficial to your relationship, co-parenting rhythm and baby.  

3. Trust-

Oh my was this one another major hurdle for my control freak ass!  My husband, again very wise, strong and capable, but for some reason when it came to our son I was afraid to leave him alone for too long or trust him to follow the routine at night.  This was so damning to our relationship I cannot begin to tell you.  I hurt my husband’s feelings so many times by not showing him that I trusted him to do what was best.  Every time I would leave the house or let him do the something, I would give him a huge speech about how and when it should be done.  Ugh, writing that just made me throw up in my mouth a little with disgust.  My goodness, this baby is his too, how dare I dictate every single thing? 

Trusting your partner will not only create a great parenting foundation, It will also decrease your new parent anxiety by 98%, because now you have a partner you can trust to help and support you.

4. Take turns-

This is by far my favorite tip. However, if you do not have tips 1-3 down, this is not going to work so well.  Taking turns is such a wonderful way for both parents to test out their own parenting methods, ideally without the other parent standing over them the whole time. 

My husband and I now take turns with diapers, play time, bath time and my all time favorite, getting up in the morning.  A friend of mine taught me to take turns getting up with the baby, especially on the weekends. This way both parents get to sleep in one day. 

Taking turns really helps to engage both parents and keep one parent from harboring animosity for being the constant caregiver.  My girlfriend told me that she snapped at her husband when she was tired and needed help.  He told her that she needed to ask him for help well before she got that annoyed.  I think we all get to this point eventually.  Taking turns will really help to alleviate that “main caregiver” animosity.

5. Be patient

You both are new parents.  Raising a child is so far from easy, it’s scary! Neither one of you knows everything, nor the best way to do everything.  It is essential that a great team be patient with each other, and of course the ever changing needs of the baby.

Momma's Concessions.

I am sitting here having my first cup of fully leaded coffee in nearly 10-months.  It is so good I am about to drop a tear. Since I am still nursing Ollie, I try to keep my caffeine consumption down to a minimum.  Trust me, my baby is the happiest most well behaved baby I know, until he gets sugar or caffeine in his system.  One drop of either and the boy goes bat shit crazy, smashes everything in his path, cries about and then NEVER EVER passes out... So yeah needless to say, I drink decaf every morning as a way to trick my coffee loving mind into thinking we still have a good thing going.

So then, why am I drinking the regular coffee?  Because I have four articles with deadlines coming up in the next 24-48 hours, and need some help. I am about to pass out, cannot hold a thought and see this beautiful cup of yum yum as my only answer. Ollie will be asleep for the next 6-8 hours, so hopefully I can get away with this.  Yes, I am fully aware of Murphy's law.  I am also fully aware that I am procrastinating my ass off by writing this blog post instead of the articles.  Really, I am just waiting for the coffee to kick in (procrastinating).

So Momma's concessions...

Tips for getting a baby to sleep

Now that my baby is five months old, I can easily say that I have attempted every single possible tip, trick and silly idea to get an overtired, fussy, difficult baby to sleep… that I know of.   Some days it felt like I spent more time trying to get my boy to sleep than he actually spent sleeping. 

Thanks to those hours and hours… and hours... of trying every possible method, it only takes me ten minutes tops to get my little guy to sleep.

Here is how….

First I start with me. I have to get myself relaxed and focused on the job.  I look at the clock and tell myself in 10 minutes from now I will have a sound sleeping baby, not a minute sooner. (As much as I wish it only took one minute to get my baby to sleep, that's just not logical, and believing so causes me to become frustrated quickly.) Then, I take a couple of deep breaths, relax and soften my body.  Nothing sabotages getting a baby to sleep like a frustrated, stiff, hurried mother.

Next, I decided which method I am going to START with.  If Oliver is not over tired I can usually get him down with one method, if he is exhausted it may take two different methods (i.e. bouncing on the bed, then soft rocking) either way, hands down,consistency is KEY!  You know in your mind it will take ten minutes, so don’t give up after 3 minutes if it he is still fussy, it is very possible the 4^th minute will be the magical one!

Ok, now for the Top 5 methods I Love!

1. Bouncing on the bed- Sit on the edge of the bed, hold your baby in the cradle position with his head in the crux of your arm. If you use a pacifier/dummy pop it in, and start bouncing! If you have a high bed, like me, wear wedges or heels so you don’t get a leg cramp from bouncing on tip toes.  This is my go to when Ollie is ultra fussy.  This method can get him to sleep in 2 minutes if he is tired or when he is ultra tired I will bounce for 8 minutes sometimes.  One thing is for sure, it ALWAYS works for me.

2. Rocking- The Classic method. This one is great for a calm baby, and is super for bonding. The key with this is to keep your eye off the clock.  Get comfortable in your rocking chair, hold your baby close, bask in his smell and sweetness.  Soften your arms, relax your shoulders and rock away momma! Cherish these moments.  The feeling in your heart, the calmness in your mind, the love in your heart.  One day you will miss this.

3. Push the Tush-This only works for me when Ollie is nearly asleep.  This is my finishing move if you will. Lay your baby on his side, or belly if you are brave, and push his little tush gently up and down while “SHHHHHHHHing” him.  This is also great for when your baby starts to stir in his sleep, quickly push and shh, and he will be right back to sleep in not time.

4. The Two Step-This is a classic with a twist. To best describe it, it’s a marriage between the Rocking Method and Push the Tush. If you are doing this with a newborn and still swaddle, then start by swaddling your baby.  Then get your baby in the cradle position in your arms, pop in the pacifier and start bouncing a little and stepping side to side. Then start pushing the tush all while “SHHHHHHHHing” loudly.  This one is very dependent on rhythm and consistency.  I use it when I cannot bounce, or when I am trying to sooth Oliver when he wakes up in the middle of the night screaming. 

5. The Co-Sleep-Climb into bed, lay down on your side holding your babe belly-to-belly, his head on your arm. I “shhhhh” softly and push his little tush. This one is my 5:30am, “Don’t even think about staying awake move!”  I also use it after nursing in the middle of the day to push Ollie into  naptime dreamland when nursing was not enough. 

Those are my ultimate top five.  The trick is to make each one your own. Just stay relaxed, focused on the prize and do your very best to not get stiff or frustrated, or at the very least, let your baby detect your angst. 

Happy Sleeping!

Oh, and as always, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE share your tips for getting your bub to sleep.

6 Things All New Mothers Should Know To Survive The First 6-Months

 If only I knew all of this, and followed it, when I was a new mom...

I have no doubt that every mother will agree with me when I say, during pregnancy the only thing you get more of than stretch marks and bad gas, is parenting advice.  Between the always ready to share been-there-done-that mothers, parenting books and online resources, the information available today for new mothers is overwhelming. What's more, you never know what to believe since one book will contradict the next, and what one mother swears by, another mother will insist did not work for her baby. Weeding through all of the advice can be daunting, to say the least.

Looking back, I wish I was given more advice on how to deal with becoming a mother, and less on the three million different ways to rock a baby to sleep. I needed to know about the self-doubt and failures that came along with motherhood, or that having a baby would take a huge toll on my marriage and personal life if I let it. After talking with numerous other mothers, I realized we all struggled with the same issues; things it seemed no one bothered to warn us about in between lessons on feeding, changing and rocking our newborn to sleep.  I've put a list together of the top six things all new mothers to know.  Things we wish we didn't have to learn the hard way.

Socially Unacceptable Sunday!

Welcome to another installment of Socially Unacceptable Sunday! 

It's that time of the week again... Time to prove that FTD and I are maintaining our normal realm of socially unacceptable behavior!

Without further ado...I present to you our favorite Tweets, Posts, Videos, Pins, Instagrams and other assorted ridiculousness that we have posted to our social media accounts over the last seven days...

Cleaning out the Closet-Keep, Donate, Dump or Delusional?

Every Spring and Fall I take on the laborious task of cleaning out the closets.  Since FTD and I share a mid-size walk-in closet there is just not enough room to hold all of our stuff year round. To alleviate the clutter I keep what we will need for two seasons in the closet at any given time. I do this to our coat closet and now Oliver's closet as well. It's annoying, but it is necessary.

Here is how this whole thing works. I have two or three storage tubs for each of us and two for our coats as well. I start by emptying out the storage tubs into four piles; Keep, Donate, Dump and Delusional. Let me explain...

Keep:

This is of course the clothes I plan on wearing for the season. This pile also has the Spring Break t-shirt from 1996 that holds too many memories to part with, the tops I spent too much on, that I have never worn because they require an "occasion," and the hideous grandparent gifted sweaters I have to keep readily available for surprise invites and drop-ins.

Donate:

This is the pile of clothes I love, but know the time has come for them to belong to someone else. This pile also holds the Christmas, birthday and awful baby clothes I will NEVER EVER put on my body or my child's. What?  My trash is someones treasure. After all, someone bought these fine specimens of shit...er... clothes thinking they were superb. These same people are also on PeopleofWalmart.com

Dump:

This pile is the worst of the worst.  While it is meant for the city dump, it should be burned to ensure these articles of clothing never see the light of day again.  This one holds the clothes I painted the wall and myself in, things I wore until they fell apart. Literally. Things even the Goodwill will not take. You know it is bad when Goodwill throws the bag back in your car, screaming "LEAVE!"  Again, for examples go to PeopleofWalmart.com

Delusional:

This happens to be a very special pile. This pile is beautiful. All of my favorite clothes that I cannot fit into anymore, but love so much I cannot part with are piled, very high, here.  Why do I call it the delusional pile and keep it separate from the keep pile?  Because I am so incredibly delusional I think I will be a size 4 again, or that somehow I will be able to pull off that twenty-something look at thirty-something. No, really, I think it possible!  What if this whole, "Wait until you start chasing a toddler, the pounds will melt off," is true?  Granted the whole, "Breastfeed and the pounds will melt off," proved to be a load of horse turds. But, maybe, just maybe, the toddler marathon will get me into my pre-teen denim!

I'll tell you exactly what I tell FTD every time he questions this pile, "I will NEVER give these clothes up. I will wax nostalgia with them every year and then be buried with them."

Side Note: Before baby, marriage and grown-up bills I had a consignment pile. Until consignment shops start buying Target, that pile will remain non-existent.

Ok, so once the bins have been sorted, I start doing the same with the clothes in the closet. I fold the keepers and delusional items and put them in the tubs, then bag the donates and dumps. I do the same with the shoes and coats.

 A trick a friend taught me was to hang all of the new clothes with the hanger hooks facing me, once I take the garment off the hanger I turn the hanger back around. This way, at the end of the season what ever has not been turned around should be donated or dumped. Truth be told, 75% ends up folded in the delusional pile.

Ten hours, a war won in "F" bombs and 44 "Really?"s from FTD and I'm finally finished. I step back and admire my hard work. While the task is laborious and time consuming, once I am finished I am filled with my favorite thing, self-gratification.

I have a feeling I am not the only one undertaking the closet swap each or every other season. What are your tips or tricks for making this process less laborious and time consuming? Or do you just say screw it and keep the same clothes all year long?

Postpartum Depression- Update #2 The Solution

Last time I wrote about my fears of postpartum depression I was very low.  I finally broke down and sought professional help. Thank God!  I was always told to never try to handle it on my own, and for a good reason, my son deserves a happy healthy mommy.

Since I am still nursing Oliver, I only had one rule when I met with the psychologist, NO medicine.  I know there are anti depressants available that have been tested, and proven safe for nursing mothers, but I wanted to leave that as an absolute last resort. 

When I was laid off from work in the beginning of May, I not only lost my job but my health insurance too.  I had until May 31^st to meet with the therapist as much as possible before loosing my great group insurance plan. I was given the name a wonderful miracle worker through my OB/GYN, who booked me 7 appointments in a two week period.  Needless to say we attacked my issues head on and fast!

I can honestly say I feel SO much better after meeting with her.  After about the third or fourth appointment she told me she didn’t think I was battling severe postpartum, but that I was definitely suffering from a mild form of PPD in addition to being a completely overwhelmed new mother. She felt confident that I could manage without medication, but it would take work on my part - most likely long term ongoing work until I stopped nursing and my hormones stopped raging.

Once she figured out what was going on in my head, she was able to help me recognize my issues, and give me tools to help work through them.

The following are the things I learned while being treated for postpartum depression and my new mother fears.

1. First and foremost, she had a sign on her wall that said, “Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.”  I never had suicidal thoughts, but I think that saying is brilliant.

2. We talked a lot about my “triggers,” the things that made me feel sad or overwhelmed. Of course loosing my job was big, facing my bills is scary, my fears of horrible things happening to Oliver, and of course little to no sleep can send me into a vicious tailspin.

She helped me to recognize the things that send me into a hopeless spiral and taught me to picture a BIG RED STOP SIGN when I start obsessing.  It really works!  Every time I start to spiral, I picture the stop sign and amazingly I am able to refocus my thoughts.

3. Fighting with my husband has been horrible.  Since Oliver’s birth we have had a constant struggle over our respective ideas for parenting. For one of the sessions my husband joined me so we could finally talk through our differences.  This was one of the best sessions I had.  Once we talked about the things that pissed us off about the other, she asked each one of us, “If you had a magic wand to wave, what would you change about your husband/wife.”  This was amazing because we were able to really hear what needed to be fixed.  Since that session my husband and I have been getting along almost like newlyweds! The magic wand trick is brilliant and I cannot recommend it enough.

4. Finally she helped me to realize how much I have going for me, how wonderful my husband really is and most of all what an amazing beautiful, perfect, blessing my son is.  She had me really focus on all of my positives, so when I felt negative I could easily refocus my attention on what I have going for me.

In the end I was able to use, “talk therapy” to work through my issues and find tools to help myself through the dark days. I also realized that if I was not happy in my marriage, my husband was not either. Surprise! It’s not all about me. I also learned that some of my fears and anxieties are completely normal. I need to do my best to stay focused on the moment and not tailspin over things I cannot control or change. I feel so incredibly blessed that I was able to get help and by a postpartum depression specialist. I truly feel 100% better.  Don’t get me wrong I have rough days, but nowhere near before meeting with my miracle worker.

Postpartum depression is devastating and debilitating. Due to raging hormones, the depression can pop up out of nowhere and bite you in the ass and hold tight for up to two years.  If you have any fears please get help, even if it is just talking to your significant other, family or friends.  Please do not spend one more day than necessary in that hell alone. You and your baby deserve to have you at your very best.

As always please do not hesitate to email me, firsttimemomanddad@gmail.com if you need someone to talk to. Make up a Gmail email address if you want to be anonymous.  I am here for you if you need me. 

Love and hugs,

April

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6 Sanity Saving Survival Tips For New Moms

I have no doubt that every mother will agree with me when I say, during pregnancy, the only thing you get more of than stretch marks and bad gas, is parenting advice.  Between the always ready to share been-there-done-that mothers, parenting books, and online resources, the information available today for new mothers is overwhelming. What's more, you never know what to believe since one book will contradict the next, and what one mother swears by, another mother will insist did not work for her baby. Weeding through all of the advice can be daunting, to say the least.

Looking back, I wish I was given more advice on how to deal with becoming a mother, and less on the three million different ways to rock a baby to sleep. I needed to know about the self-doubt and the failures that came along with motherhood, or that having a baby would take a huge toll on my marriage and personal life if I let it. After talking with numerous other mothers, I realized we all struggled with the same issues; things it seemed no one bothered to warn us about in between lessons on feeding, changing and rocking our newborn to sleep.  I've put together a list of the top six things we all agree are so important for new mothers to know.  Things we wish we didn't have to learn the hard way.

Ollie and I at his 6-month well-baby checkup.

1. Listen to your instincts, not Dr. Google. With so many parenting resources available, most contradicting the next, don't get caught up thinking these resources know your child better than you do.

For example: If you know your baby is hungry feed him. Who cares if it has only been two hours and the book says wait for three. Screw that! Feed your baby. There is no reason to let your baby get hysterical trying to follow the guidelines.

I cannot stress this enough, trust what your gut and heart are telling you, because 9.5 times out of 10, they are spot on right. Every minute you second-guess yourself you and your baby will suffer.  Go with your gut first. Always.


2. The decision between nursing or formula feeding should not become bigger than World War III. First of all, Breastfeeding is NOT "Plug and Chug!" Nursing is hard. Extremely hard. There is no plug in and feed feature to it. It takes time, a fair amount of discomfort and practice for both you and your baby to get the hang of it. (I mean weeks, not days) Ask for help. Find a lactation consultant. Be prepared for a possible battle that will take all of your inner strength to make it through...

Second, BREASTFEEDING MAY NOT BE FOR YOU. THAT IS OK! You, or your baby, may have a medical condition keeping you from being able to nurse. You may hate it. It may just not be right for you. This is VERY common, do not think you are a failure.

Plain and simple-You will either nurse or you will not. Regardless of what you do, your baby will be beautiful and wonderful and smart and articulate. Do what is best for you and your child. Do not let anyone make you feel otherwise. You are NOT! a failure. DO NOT LET THIS RUIN YOU!

3. Listen to your baby's cues. While babies can only communicate through body language and crying, within the first week you will begin to notice behaviors and different tones of crying that are clearly trying to tell you something.  Babies will give you cues for hunger WAY before crying, including things like REM, finger sucking and reaching with arms and legs. When you notice any or all of those cues feed your baby pronto, or the blood-curdling screaming will be next! If your baby is tired some of his cues might be pulling at his ears, yawning and or quick jerky movements. 

Pay close attention to those different cues and within a week or so you will easily be able to decipher what it is your baby is trying to tell you, and most likely before he even starts crying uncontrollably.

4. Do not get caught up trying to be the perfect mother. There is no such thing! In order to be the best mother to your baby, all you have to do is try your best.  Parenting is filled with both triumphs and failures.  Do not be hard on yourself, or get discouraged if you fail.  Just like with everything else, practice makes perfect. If you fall down, stand up, dust yourself off and try something else.

Above all, do not be afraid to ask for help!  If someone wants to bring over dinner, let them.  If someone wants to come over while you take a nap and shower, let them.  Graciously accept all the help you can get, because chances are the person offering the help has been in your shoes before and knows a little help goes a long way during those first few months.

5. Don't forget to take time for your partner. It is so easy to lose sight of your relationship with your partner during those first few weeks and months of parenthood.  Between the exhaustion from the sleepless nights, the demanding feeding schedule, and your normal household or work activities, it can be hard to find quality time to spend with your partner, however, it is crucial that you MAKE time.

For example, Every single day during those first few weeks, make it a point to be affectionate, say I love you if possible eat a meal together and then during that meal try to talk about anything but your baby.

The key is not to build a new life around your baby, but to blend your baby into your existing life together.

6. Don't forget to take time for yourself. It is absolutely crucial that you take time for yourself on a daily basis. Every day you need to make it a point to take a shower, put on clean clothes, and eat at least two wholesome meals. Then aim to leave the house for no less than 10 minutes, at least every other day. Even a walk around the block does wonders. Just get away from that baby to rejuvenate, or you will crash and burn.   

From one first-time mother to another... Motherhood is a journey filled with ups and down. In the wee hours of the morning, when you have survived for days on little to no sleep and you are sure you cannot survive one more minute... you can. You will. Just keep repeating, This Too Shall Pass, until it does... Hold on tight to every moment and enjoy the ride, because it really does go by so quickly.  And don't listen to the doctors and nurses about those first smiles being gas induced, your baby is stoked to see you. ~April

Motherhood is such an amazing blessing that is so incredibly rewarding.