Momma's Concessions.

I am sitting here having my first cup of fully leaded coffee in nearly 10-months.  It is so good I am about to drop a tear. Since I am still nursing Ollie, I try to keep my caffeine consumption down to a minimum.  Trust me, my baby is the happiest most well behaved baby I know, until he gets sugar or caffeine in his system.  One drop of either and the boy goes bat shit crazy, smashes everything in his path, cries about and then NEVER EVER passes out... So yeah needless to say, I drink decaf every morning as a way to trick my coffee loving mind into thinking we still have a good thing going.

So then, why am I drinking the regular coffee?  Because I have four articles with deadlines coming up in the next 24-48 hours, and need some help. I am about to pass out, cannot hold a thought and see this beautiful cup of yum yum as my only answer. Ollie will be asleep for the next 6-8 hours, so hopefully I can get away with this.  Yes, I am fully aware of Murphy's law.  I am also fully aware that I am procrastinating my ass off by writing this blog post instead of the articles.  Really, I am just waiting for the coffee to kick in (procrastinating).

So Momma's concessions...

As I sit here drinking this incredibly good cup of coffee, I am thinking of all of the concessions, or things I have given up or lost since becoming a mother.  I have decided that I am definitely a martyr of the first order.  Ollie better appreciate it too.  Here is why...

My top 10 concessions since becoming a mommy.

1. I am a hot ass mess!  Hot. Ass. Mess.  I have only had ONE mani/pedi and hair cut  since Ollie was born... He is nearly 10-months-old and all three happened just after he was born.  Lady Godiva called and offered her horse as transportation to the salon.

2. My concern for society's opinion of me is non-existent. I'm ashamed to admit this, but at least twice a week I find myself standing in a store and want to tweet,"That moment you realize you left the house before picking up a brush or looking in the mirror." If only you knew me before Ollie, you would know that I have for sure lost my damn mind!  I wish I could say this behavior will not stand...but I am a repeat offender these days.  I'm going to leave the house in sweats and a ponytail with Cheerios stuck to my ass again. Very soon.

3. My brain. It's gone. Oliver ate it. I'm fairly certain he ate it in the womb, because that is when I first notice it was gone.  And still, since having him, I remain a complete moron. It's a wonder me and kid are fed and clothed everyday.

4. My diet is atrocious!  I eat what I want, when I want, and 9 times out of ten it's what I peel off of Oliver's sleeve or butt, pick up off the floor underneath his highchair, or eat off his plate when he is finished with it. A proper sit down meal is but a memory these days.

5. My figure. Can I even call it that since my body doesn't resemble any know earthly figure? My curves have curves. My cellulite has cellulite.

6.  I am aging like I live in a time machine that only goes in fast forward. Seriously fast forward. I am gaining wrinkles and grey hairs daily. Bogged down with ridiculous worries, unnecessary fears, achy bones and a sore back. And my filthy foul mouth, it is becoming more and more church worthy everyday. I am only 34! But my mind and appearance look 64. WTF?!

7. My marriage.  Gone are the days of couch cuddles, great sex and late nights on the town.  Last night he farted and I burped, neither bothered to excuse themselves. I looked at him and said, "Is this it?" "Is this how married couples with children act?" We can no longer be grossed out by each other, nor bother with politeness?  I say HELL NO!  I actually said that.  We both agreed.  After a lengthy conversation, we agreed to try to be newlyweds again... Yeah, I'll let you know how that works out.

8. My Friendships. Just like my marriage, I have stopped working at friendships too.  I am such a looser! This is going to stop as well.  I have a lunch date tomorrow. And thank God I have YOU! Otherwise my conversations would be predominately with myself and Oliver.

9.  Order.  I have no order in my life.  I used to.  I used to be very orderly.  Now I am Queen O' Disorderly Castle.  Gone are the days of a spotless house, organized calendar and grand ideas of future plans.  I am down to living minute-to-minute and pushing toys out of my path. Oh and my calender reads like a spinster's. I am awesome!

And my top Concession since becoming a mommy...

10 Peace and quiet!  It seems like everyone wants a piece of me 24/7.  When Ollie is not crying for something, FTD is.  When FTD and Ollie leave me alone, the cats jumps in for some action.  What is that?  Is this it?   Is my life officially going to be chaotic for the next 18 years at least?  Will they ever leave me alone?  I have seen those refrigerator magnets that say, "Motherhood. The only job that is 24/7." Before Ollie I would see it, laugh and move on. Now when I see it, I cry, and think, damn... no shit.

I have heard enough times from veteran moms these concessions are just a part of motherhood. But what I really want to know is, when will I stop being a disorderly mindless sex starved friendless hot mess tool that eats food off the ground?

Those Top Mommy Blog people reset my votes again.  Please click on the lady's fat head to throw a vote my way.

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Two confused parents=One amused baby Hopelessly we are trying raise a baby who is clearly smarter than both of us. April is an award-winning writer and blogger. Her work has been published in over ten countries and four languages. From books to newspapers, to print/online magazines and everything in between, you can find her work. For more on April, Visit AprilMcCormick.com


Karen @Baking In A Tornado said...

I threw a vote your way and hope you'll see it as payment for saying this: Been there, done that. It does get better, I promise. There are some fun, look good again years ahead. But once Ollie hits his teen years, these years are actually gonna be looking good!

Quirky Chrissy said...

LOL! I was JUST talking about the concessions a girl makes when living with a partner or husband...I can imagine it only goes down hill the more people you add to the mix. *sigh* Can I be young again!?!

Unknown said...

Oh honey I am with you. I lost baby weight, and then some of it snuck back in while I was washing the dishes (for, you know, the 17th time that day).
As for the hubby and I? Pfft, we actually have to make an effort to sit beside each other on the couch, let alone use our manners! And to make it worse, he keeps bringing up how I was a 'few' kilos lighter when we got together, I was tanned, mani/pedi-ed, waxed, buffed and always had my hair and make up done... apparently he views this as a motivational tool for me to kickstart my efforts again? You know, in between the dishes (as above), the nappies, the feeding, the playing, the washing, the folding, the cleaning, the picking up, the cooking, the swimming lessons, the school drop offs/pick ups for big bros, the holiday planning, the family juggling, starting up my own business, TRYING to keep friendships, relationships and family happy and healthy, ugh the list goes on.
Huh. I only meant to comment with sympathy, turns out I was in the mood for a full on psycho wife rant. Sorry about that!

Unknown said...

Thank you, thank you, thank you!!! Dude. We were just having similar discussions at 2am last night because I'm going- WTF? Is this it? Is this who I am now? Is this our marriage? I'm so effing tired I can't function, and we're all losing our freakin' minds... sigh... continuing on my rant at 2am about how the "boys" can go out and drop x $$$ on booze and dinner (birthday excuses) and I feel guilty over getting a haircut (it's been just about 8 months now- sheesh!) Sigh... I just appreciate you vocalizing things that I realize I suffer from as well. As always- helps to not feel alone!

Unknown said...

*Oh- and have you seen the previews for "This is 40" yet??? I'm not 40 yet, but damn if I don't relate to those previews! LOL

Layes Landing said...

I hung on every word of this!! So nice to know we are in this together! So, when I went to try to get a haircut last week, my desperation for girl talk caused us to sit in the chair for an hour and a half, make me late, make her late for her next client, and my hair is NOT finished. It had been so long since my last cut and my hair is growing back in patches, can we say HOT MESS!!

Dietitian Becky said...

Ok. I am here to say its crazy adapting to your new " "non-ifestyle"but soon you will and you will be hit again! I had 4 kids in 6 yrs. and have my life back and it's better cuz you have created wonderful people.. Really you will do this believe it or not.
Mine are 16,15,13 & 10. My marriage is great , my kids aren't in jeuvy and I have my body back. It took 10 yrs but it was all worth it. Put your spouse and health first. God above everything and relax. You rock ! My only advice to you really, if you want more kids, just keep on going. Don't spread them out. You'll have kids who are bffs and you'll we your life back faster!! Hang tough !!xoxo

Stephanie @ Mommy, for real. said...

I was SO you during my daughter's first year. Every last bit of your post resonated with me. I have two kids, my youngest is 14 months, and it does start to come around again, I promise! You don't even notice it happening, but you start to nurse a little less, drink a little more coffee, take a few more showers, have a little more time with hubby....it will come back. You are doing awesome, and thanks for the dose of honesty! :)

noel bressler said...

Oh my gosh...so glad I stumbled across your blog! Hilarious! I feel for you, some of those concessions I too have made. On football Sunday my hubby and I take turns sitting on the floor playing with our 10.5 month old while the other sits on the couch and feels like a respectable human being...and just today I said "remember when we could both sit on the couch and cuddle?". Sigh.


Anonymous said...

Love the honesty and humor behind this...I think we can all relate. I just got done telling my hubby my hair was dirty and it was intentional...I'm going to get it cut tomorrow. His response..."SKANK"....with a smirk. He was joking...we have that kind of crude humor among each other. Because I am the nice one, I wont tell you what I called him...lol

Irish Carter
"Promoting Passionate People"

Unknown said...

I love you! That is all! xoxo

Unknown said...

I hear you!! So glad you and your husband are going to work on the marriage front! I think that is *the* most important one!!

Mindy said...

HAHA. Can totally relate. I'm 8 months preg. All I want is a pedi bc I can't reach my feet. And my legs...well, we won't talk about it. The problem is, I'm too lazy at this point (okay, maybe preg tired) to muster up the energy to get there. And you're telling me it gets WORSE?~! AHHHHHHHHHH!

Connie said...

haha, totally relating!!!!!! Especially about the wrinkles (gasp, I honestly thought somehow that I would be immune!) and the coffee.