Q. What has been the most difficult thing about becoming new parents, besides lack of sleep?
A. First of all, very smart throwing in 'besides lack of sleep,' because easily that has been the most difficult, it has made even the most mundane daily tasks difficult.
That being said, both FTD and I agree a very close second is keeping the bliss in our marriage. Oliver ate the bliss. Ok, I should not blame Ollie per se, it is just that having a baby has consumed our time and energy, thus leaving little time for *us.* At the end of the day we climb into bed sleepy eyed, force a smile, a good night a kiss and pass out. Before the birth of our son (ahem, my pregnancy), we were blissful, madly in love and had no trouble maintaining a happy marriage.
Ok, now... I want to kill that muthaf...
Having a baby thrown into the mix of our relationship flipped us on our heads. Both during my pregnancy and early days of having a new baby, some days I felt like I didn't even know the man I married. FTD nods and adds that he felt the same about the stranger I bacame at times. Our views and ideas for raising a child were sometimes in line, then sometimes so far apart I yelled divorce and ran off.
The first couple of months of our son's life we disagreed more than we agreed. I blame 25% of that on the sleep deprivation, 25% of just plain fear of being new parents, 25% on our cultural differences and views for child rearing and 25% on FTD being too stupid to just agree with me. I would insist that I had the God given gift of mother's instinct, so I just knew something was right.
I wish I could say our marriage is all better now, but it is not. We have to work extra hard at having a blissful marriage, where we didn't before. The stress of having a child and pile of new bills and expenses is very taxing for us. Very taxing. There is still a lot of fear associated with having a baby and S.I.D.S. (cot death) I think we also project that fear into our relationship woes.
I have come to the conclusion that until life with baby gets a little easier, my marriage will suffer. Sad, but the honest truth. We have made the decision to put our child before our marriage. I am sure that is wrong, but it is what we have just naturally done. Regardless, one thing that we never do is allow our frustration with each other spill over onto our child.
I learned a long time ago, 'Having a child is a process, not an event.' We are new to this and learn something everyday. Our son is #1, our marriage is #2 right now. The one thing I guess we have realized in all of this is that we love each other very much. We power through the fights, disagreements and fear together, albeit ugly as hell sometimes. I have faith that when the dust settles of being new parents, we will emerge stronger and more in love than ever.
Thanks again Mrs. H! This question caused me to get up an kiss FTD, TWICE! Having a new baby is so damn difficult all around, but so incredibly worth all of the angst and confusion.
(Have a question about anything? Email me firstimemomanddad @gmail.com and I will answer it in an upcoming Friday Fan Question post.)
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