Q. What has been the most difficult thing about becoming new parents, besides lack of sleep?
A. First of all, very smart throwing in 'besides lack of sleep,' because easily that has been the most difficult, it has made even the most mundane daily tasks difficult.
That being said, both FTD and I agree a very close second is keeping the bliss in our marriage. Oliver ate the bliss. Ok, I should not blame Ollie per se, it is just that having a baby has consumed our time and energy, thus leaving little time for *us.* At the end of the day we climb into bed sleepy eyed, force a smile, a good night a kiss and pass out. Before the birth of our son (ahem, my pregnancy), we were blissful, madly in love and had no trouble maintaining a happy marriage.
Ok, now... I want to kill that muthaf...
Having a baby thrown into the mix of our relationship flipped us on our heads. Both during my pregnancy and early days of having a new baby, some days I felt like I didn't even know the man I married. FTD nods and adds that he felt the same about the stranger I bacame at times. Our views and ideas for raising a child were sometimes in line, then sometimes so far apart I yelled divorce and ran off.
The first couple of months of our son's life we disagreed more than we agreed. I blame 25% of that on the sleep deprivation, 25% of just plain fear of being new parents, 25% on our cultural differences and views for child rearing and 25% on FTD being too stupid to just agree with me. I would insist that I had the God given gift of mother's instinct, so I just knew something was right.
I wish I could say our marriage is all better now, but it is not. We have to work extra hard at having a blissful marriage, where we didn't before. The stress of having a child and pile of new bills and expenses is very taxing for us. Very taxing. There is still a lot of fear associated with having a baby and S.I.D.S. (cot death) I think we also project that fear into our relationship woes.
I have come to the conclusion that until life with baby gets a little easier, my marriage will suffer. Sad, but the honest truth. We have made the decision to put our child before our marriage. I am sure that is wrong, but it is what we have just naturally done. Regardless, one thing that we never do is allow our frustration with each other spill over onto our child.
I learned a long time ago, 'Having a child is a process, not an event.' We are new to this and learn something everyday. Our son is #1, our marriage is #2 right now. The one thing I guess we have realized in all of this is that we love each other very much. We power through the fights, disagreements and fear together, albeit ugly as hell sometimes. I have faith that when the dust settles of being new parents, we will emerge stronger and more in love than ever.
Thanks again Mrs. H! This question caused me to get up an kiss FTD, TWICE! Having a new baby is so damn difficult all around, but so incredibly worth all of the angst and confusion.
(Have a question about anything? Email me firstimemomanddad @gmail.com and I will answer it in an upcoming Friday Fan Question post.)
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15 comments:
Ok, I hate to pry, but "blissful marriage" - to me - implies that FTD is still getting some action every now and again. Am I the only one who wants NOTHING to do with sex?! I gave birth naturally and, well... everything feels different down there now. Different to the point where I don't want to do anything. At all. And it's been almost a year. :-( My husband has been fantastic and doesn't make me feel guilty about my lack of libido, but damn! I know he is going crazy inside!!! If you don't mind my asking, how did you get back into the groove again?!
O my girlfriend, don't let the baby eat the bliss! It is HARD to raise babies and maintain the marriage, but know that as baby gets older, you and hubby will be the first example of love, and relationship he gets. Go on dates, find time to talk after he goes to bed, find that time if you can. Of course there will be days that sleeping is easier! Kev and I set aside Friday nights: no phones, no tv, no computers, just us, a glass of wine and talk. It has helped when we are in a slomp. Good Luck!
Yes, to sleep, husbands, finances, but the unexpected was that pregnancy and taking care of my baby has wrecked my body.
I've had chronic joint pain most of my life, but not like this. Some days I can barely move. And I'm in pain even when I don't move. It's been really hard to lose the pregnancy weight. It just wouldn't budge for the first 6 months. It's a back and forth battle with the scale. But I know this is not just a weight issue. I don't have health insurance so I can't go see anyone about this. And it's making it really hard to take care of my baby, do chores, run errands, or even work a part time job to help pay the bills.
Add to that I am still so hot and sweaty all the time, even when it is 63 degrees F. I suspect I have good days and bad with my blood pressure problem that occurred during pregnancy which directly affects my anxiety. And I do still have the occasional PPD day where I just want to sit and cry. Oddly enough, my baby thinks it's funny when I cry which usually gets me to stop and laugh with her.
As always- appreciate your honesty in all this- reminds the rest of us that we are not alone :)
Your honesty is amazing. Parenting is a hard job and it is very hard to find a balance. It sounds to me like you are doing everything right. Keep on slogging through.
First of all I gave birth via C-section. Second... we are so far from a groove it's sad. If fact I think even FTD's Libido has been hurt too. I wish I could help, but my sex life is not happening...
Thanks for this Kate, I think we will give it a try tonight, if only for a couple of hours. We used to do a nice happy hour on our balcony every Friday before Ollie. It's time to start back up!
I'm so sorry to hear that! you are just 7.1 months postpartum. Give it time.
Yeah, no worries, I will always be the husband hating ring leader. Poor FTD... SOMETIMES!
Thank you HLF! It is all about that balance. Soon we will find it... we better!
Great post! It's so hard to explain the "most difficult" parts, but you did an awesome job! Stopping by from the TGIF blog hop and am now your newest follower:) Hope you can come check out Crazy Mama Drama !
http://crazy-mama-drama.blogspot.com/
http://www.facebook.com/pages/Crazy-Mama-Drama/25949148415684
This is the best description of marriage after parenthood I have ever read: "Oliver ate the bliss."
Such honesty & truth. Makes me want to go give my hubby a kiss. Our marriage has definitely suffered since the arrival of our son. I just keep thinking of something I heard once about the evolving relationship. After each big change in a relationship, there is a period of mourning so to speak of how things "used to be". You actually go through stages of grief. At the end of the day, you have to accept the change and realize it is impossible go back to what "used to be" and just look to the future and find the happiness in the new kind of relationship you have. Just like everything in life, it is a work in progress :)
THANK YOU SO MUCH!!! 'After each big change in a relationship, there is a period of mourning so to speak of how things "used to be". You actually go through stages of grief. At the end of the day, you have to accept the change and realize it is impossible go back to what "used to be" and just look to the future and find the happiness in the new kind of relationship you have.' This is brilliant!!
lol. It's sad but true.
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