The One Thing ALL New Mothers Should Have

Having a baby is the most exciting and exhilarating time in a woman's life. Sadly, for some, this exciting time is quickly overshadowed by "baby blues" and postpartum depression.

According to The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP), an estimated 9-16% of postpartum women will experience postpartum depression. That may sound like a small number, but when you factor in that UNICEF estimates 130 million babies are born around the world each year, well over a million new mothers are suffering from PPD, each year.  

I was one of those new mothers. I know the pain, fear, confusion, sadness, feelings of worthlessness, the darkness. I felt like such a horrible person for feeling the way did after being given such a perfect blessing. My son was beautiful, healthy, thriving. I was miserable, hopeless and fat. I spent three months in the darkness before confiding in a close friend about my shitty attitude. 

I waited three months too long. My dear friend gave me the love and encouragement I needed to face PPD head-on. She helped me understand it wasn't my fault. She showed emailed me great articles on PPD, things to look out for, and recommended psychiatrist in my area. 

She saved my life, and as scary as this is for me to say, possibly my son's, too. 

My first moments of relief from PPD came when I realized it wasn't my fault that I had PPD.  With the help of my friend and an awesome therapist, I realized I wasn't alone, a bad mother or permanently stuck in a painful darkness.

If only I would have opened up sooner.

Please, if this is resonating with you, don't wait any longer to talk to someone. Postpartum depression is real and not your fault. You did NOTHING to cause it. But the longer you wait to get help can be detrimental to both you and your newborn.

FACT: The AAP says the following are ways both mother and baby suffer: 

For mothers, PPD can: 

•  Affect ability to function in everyday life and increase risk for anxiety, cognitive impairment, guilt, self blame, and fear;•  Lead to difficulty in providing developmentally appropriate care to infants;• Lead to a loss of pleasure or interest in life, sleep disturbance, feelings of irritability or anxiety, withdrawal from family and friends, crying, and thoughts of hurting oneself or one’s child;• Be particularly problematic because of the social role adjustments expected of new mothers, which include immediate and constant infant care, redefining spousal and familial relationships, and work role. 

           Children of mothers with PPD can:

•  Become withdrawn, irritable, or inconsolable;•  Display insecure attachment and behavioral problems;•  Experience problems in cognitive, social, and emotional development;•  Have a higher risk of anxiety disorders and major depression in childhood and     adolescence. 

Fathers can also be depressed in the postpartum period, especially if the mother is depressed or if the father is not satisfied with the marital relationship or with life after the birth of the child.

According to the Mayo Clinic: 

No one should suffer from depression alone. 

Becoming a new mother is scary business. Having someone call to check on you, not the baby, but YOU, goes a long way to a new mother. I know, it meant the world to me. That's why if I could give one thing to every mother, it would be a Postpartum Buddy. What's a PPD buddy, you ask? A postpartum buddy is someone who is designated and educated before birth to monitor the new mommy for PPD.  

The PPD BUDDY guidelines:

1. A postpartum buddy (PB) should not be a partner/spouse. Becoming new parents is tough; both are dealing with a lot. Plus, Men can get PPD, too! What good are two depressed parents? And, no offense guys, but in my experience, men aren't always so great at understanding depression; they kind of just chalk it all up to bitchiness.

2. The postpartum buddy should be someone the new mother trusts and can be fearlessly open with. 

3. Prior to delivery, all fears about PPD should be discussed with the PPD Buddy, and an action plan created. The action plan should include what to do in the case of PPD, and include the doctor's office number and address, so the PPD Buddy can not only make the appointment if need be, but also drive.

4. The PPD Buddy understands this is a serious job. She needs to call/visit  momma regularly and ask important questions. PPD Buddies HAVE TO stick to the new mother like white on rice until all concerns about PPD are gone. 

5. MOST IMPORTANT!!! The Postpartum Buddy gets mama out of the house regularly the first few weeks; even if it's just once a week to help her renew, take a break and breathe. This is also a chance for the PPD Buddy to assess the new mommy without the distractions of a newborn. Make this time light, easy and as fun as possible. TIP: New mother's don't get to eat their food hot very often, so lunch might be a great option. 

My hope for the Postpartum Buddy idea is that it will save at least one mother and her baby from suffering. If the line of communication is open before PPD begins, then hopefully the new mother will understand that having PPD is not her fault and that with a little help, this too shall pass. 

Please, if you know a new mother, call her and be her Postpartum Buddy. 

Postpartum Depression at 9-months postpartum

I have three great posts I have been working on, but I just don't have the drive I need to finish them.  Why?  Because I am lacking passion right now. My postpartum depression is back, or really it was never gone, I was just managing it better then I am now.  Maybe it's the holidays, maybe it's the cold weather, maybe it's just hormones... whatever it is, I am suffering on the inside something awful and it sucks.  Sucks ass.

From the beginning of my pregnancy I talked about my fears of getting postpartum.  Being that I battled depression in my teenage years and a little in my 20's, I knew I had a higher probability for getting PPD. However, I was shocked that I didn't really experience any hardcore symptoms of PPD at first.  Of course I had some weepy moments, or psycho lashouts at FTD, but nothing too bad or that would last for more than an hour or so. The PPD didn't really start taking over until around the third month.

Worried that I was losing control I saw a therapist. Since I was determined to not take any medication, I wanted to start with "talk therapy."  After a full assessment the therapist felt that with enough sessions she could give me  the tools to manage the PPD and thus avoid medication.  By the 8th and final session I felt great.  Well, confident that I could manage with my new set of tools.  (for a list of the tools click here)

For the past few months I have been managing quite well.  I have certainly had low moments, but never once did I consider harming myself or Oliver.  My low points are mostly filled with fear over the future and the uncertainty of the world I have to raise my son in, I also get very anxious about my lack of a steady income, and how I will be able to provide the best for my bub.  Life in general.

The PPD mostly attacks my outlook on life.  When it's high gear I feel overloaded and full of fear, I look at the big picture and get way overwhelmed by it all, I even start to worry about how I will send Ollie to a good school. Basically I tailspin out of control, it's not good. When I have control, I take life in small bites and stay positive.

Lately the Holidays, the end of my unemployment benefits, my lack of healthcare coverage and no great job on the horizon has got me way down.  The sad part is, I feel sorry for myself, so I am not pulling out the tools I need to fight the PPD and get out of my rut.  Not good.

*** FTD here - I'm an insomniac and at 4:30am thought I'd have a look at the 'ole blog - as some of you may have noticed...this post doesn't seem finished.  I'm not sure April actually meant for it to go live! Anyways...I fixed the SHOCKING spelling mistakes and when she gets up in the morning, she can sort it out! YIPEEEEE. In the meantime, here's an awesome picture to lighten the mood.***

Hopefully, this WILL be my breakfast tomorrow -  delicious poached eggs on a bagel with bacon, mushrooms, sausage and topped off with a magnificent, homemade hollandaise sauce. Yes gentlemen...that's why I married her!

Postpartum Depression- Update #2 The Solution

Last time I wrote about my fears of postpartum depression I was very low.  I finally broke down and sought professional help. Thank God!  I was always told to never try to handle it on my own, and for a good reason, my son deserves a happy healthy mommy.

Since I am still nursing Oliver, I only had one rule when I met with the psychologist, NO medicine.  I know there are anti depressants available that have been tested, and proven safe for nursing mothers, but I wanted to leave that as an absolute last resort. 

When I was laid off from work in the beginning of May, I not only lost my job but my health insurance too.  I had until May 31^st to meet with the therapist as much as possible before loosing my great group insurance plan. I was given the name a wonderful miracle worker through my OB/GYN, who booked me 7 appointments in a two week period.  Needless to say we attacked my issues head on and fast!

I can honestly say I feel SO much better after meeting with her.  After about the third or fourth appointment she told me she didn’t think I was battling severe postpartum, but that I was definitely suffering from a mild form of PPD in addition to being a completely overwhelmed new mother. She felt confident that I could manage without medication, but it would take work on my part - most likely long term ongoing work until I stopped nursing and my hormones stopped raging.

Once she figured out what was going on in my head, she was able to help me recognize my issues, and give me tools to help work through them.

The following are the things I learned while being treated for postpartum depression and my new mother fears.

1. First and foremost, she had a sign on her wall that said, “Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.”  I never had suicidal thoughts, but I think that saying is brilliant.

2. We talked a lot about my “triggers,” the things that made me feel sad or overwhelmed. Of course loosing my job was big, facing my bills is scary, my fears of horrible things happening to Oliver, and of course little to no sleep can send me into a vicious tailspin.

She helped me to recognize the things that send me into a hopeless spiral and taught me to picture a BIG RED STOP SIGN when I start obsessing.  It really works!  Every time I start to spiral, I picture the stop sign and amazingly I am able to refocus my thoughts.

3. Fighting with my husband has been horrible.  Since Oliver’s birth we have had a constant struggle over our respective ideas for parenting. For one of the sessions my husband joined me so we could finally talk through our differences.  This was one of the best sessions I had.  Once we talked about the things that pissed us off about the other, she asked each one of us, “If you had a magic wand to wave, what would you change about your husband/wife.”  This was amazing because we were able to really hear what needed to be fixed.  Since that session my husband and I have been getting along almost like newlyweds! The magic wand trick is brilliant and I cannot recommend it enough.

4. Finally she helped me to realize how much I have going for me, how wonderful my husband really is and most of all what an amazing beautiful, perfect, blessing my son is.  She had me really focus on all of my positives, so when I felt negative I could easily refocus my attention on what I have going for me.

In the end I was able to use, “talk therapy” to work through my issues and find tools to help myself through the dark days. I also realized that if I was not happy in my marriage, my husband was not either. Surprise! It’s not all about me. I also learned that some of my fears and anxieties are completely normal. I need to do my best to stay focused on the moment and not tailspin over things I cannot control or change. I feel so incredibly blessed that I was able to get help and by a postpartum depression specialist. I truly feel 100% better.  Don’t get me wrong I have rough days, but nowhere near before meeting with my miracle worker.

Postpartum depression is devastating and debilitating. Due to raging hormones, the depression can pop up out of nowhere and bite you in the ass and hold tight for up to two years.  If you have any fears please get help, even if it is just talking to your significant other, family or friends.  Please do not spend one more day than necessary in that hell alone. You and your baby deserve to have you at your very best.

As always please do not hesitate to email me, firsttimemomanddad@gmail.com if you need someone to talk to. Make up a Gmail email address if you want to be anonymous.  I am here for you if you need me. 

Love and hugs,

April

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Postpartum Depression- Update 3 ½ months postpartum

For all of you who read my www.tiredofbeingpregnant.com blog, you know I was very worried about having postpartum depression.  I have spent nearly every single day since delivery wondering if my tears, sad feelings, confusion, fear, frustration, anger and every other non-positive feeling have been postpartum depression or just normal “new mother” feelings and behavior.

During the early days after delivery I was for the most part happy. I was exhausted, but so in awe of my incredibly perfect and beautiful son that sadness was not a feeling I could imagine feeling.

It was not until around week three of four that the weepiness started.  I was crying over the stupidest shit!  If my food didn’t taste right I would cry.  If I looked in the mirror I would cry.  I was a weepy mess.  The odd part was that I was not really weeping because I was sad, I was just weeping! Luckily the weepiness ended abruptly in a week or two and still has not returned.

By six to eight weeks postpartum I was doing really well! I was not sad, or overly happy, I was in touch with my emotions and felt really confident that I did not have postpartum depression.  Smooth sailing into my second month, turning into a great mommy, breastfeeding almost like a champ and even working out a sleep pattern that worked for baby, daddy and me.  Don’t get me wrong, I had BAD days filled with tears and confusion, but those days also usually coincided with a night or two of little or no sleep. I would just chalk the bad day up to bad sleep.  My girlfriends and I decided that if bad days were directly related to bad sleep, then surely I was not postpartum depression.

When I went back to work at ten weeks postpartum the bottom started to fall out. I was so overwhelmed by going back to work, separation anxiety and trying to keep my son exclusively breastfed. I was not getting enough sleep thanks to nursing and the overwhelming anxiety that my mood was shit more often than not.  I started to wonder if I was in over my head with everything now that I was back to work, and wondered if I should try to change Oliver over to formula at night so I could get some sleep to improve my poor mood and anxiety. 

I couldn’t bring myself to introduce formula, so I decided to reach into my bag of emotional tools and work on coping with the anxiety and work on trying to stay positive.  This worked, but dammit it made managing my mood a full time job.

Now here I am 3 ½ months postpartum, jobless and overloaded with fear and anxiety.  This in itself pisses me off to no end and makes me want to cry! I have been given a huge gift of being paid to find a new better job, thanks to unemployment benefits, and be home with my son.  What the hell is wrong with me?  I should be happy as a pig in shit!

Really since month two I thought I might have some shades of postpartum depression. Or, hopefully, I am just overwhelmed by everything going on right now with being a new (unemployed) mother.  Regardless it’s time for me to seek some help so I can be a good happy mommy. I have been reluctant to seek help out of fear of being prescribed anti depressants since I am nursing.  However, I have come to realize I need some outside unbiased council to help me sort through the anxiety and fear to find out if I actually have postpartum depression. Medication does not have to be the answer.  One thing I have always been told is NEVER EVER try to control postpartum depression alone.

 I love my son more than I ever imagined possible.  The last thing I want to do is not be the best mom possible to him. We both deserve to have me 100% emotionally present when we are together. It’s time to take some time for me and work on the emotional issues dragging me own.  Thanks to all of the brave women before me, I am not afraid to find out I have postpartum depression, because I know it's temporary and easily treated.  I am just focused on having a better mood, lowering my anxiety level, and most of all thoroughly enjoying the time I have been given to spend with my son while I find a new job.