Looking For Some Halloween Humor? Slightly Disturbing And Completely Tasteless?

With all of the spooktastic Hallowen stuff going around, I thought I would lighten the mood with some mostly funny, yet slightly disturbing and completely tasteless Halloween humor. 

 Just so you know, this post if full of stuff like this...



10 Things I Can't Have In My House Thanks To The Toddler

I think this picture is a pretty good indicator of what kind of a toddler I'm dealing with here...

The older, and taller, and more curious and mischievous my child gets, the more I have to childproof the house. Which, now that my kid is three, repeats every word and behavior he sees, and can somehow climb the walls like Spiderman, there are things that just cannot be in the house. Period.

First and foremost, Stickers. Stickers are not allowed in my child's hand. not one. Because, it will end up stuck to my ass. Minutes before I leave the house for a day of work and errands. There is no place for stickers in my house. I know, my toddler has stuck stickers everywhere, and not one place was awesome.


The 5 Stages Of A Toddler Tantrum #HumorPost

Being that I have a very spirited toddler, I have become well versed in toddler meltdowns. Over time, I've begun to see a pattern in the different stages of tantrums emerge; Stages that I've recently realized are very similar to the five stages of grief. Of course, being that a toddler is involved, the level of Dumbassery is off the charts...

1. Denial- Toddler tantrums most always start with denial of some form. For me, the denial is him ignoring me, or staring at me with a look of shock and disbelief that I won't let him have his way, or just the good ol' go-to "NO!" flying out of his mouth while running away from me, my kid has denial down like a pro.

Keep Hardwood Floors Clean With Microfiber

**I've partnered with Microfiber Wholesale to talk about how Microfiber is an exceptional solution for keeping hardwood clean. All opinions are my own.

Autumn. I love it. The cooler weather, trees glowing every shade of the rainbow, tailgating, chili-cook offs... Yes, autumn is certainly a lovely season.

Being that my house is wall to wall hard wood, (most 1920's original!), I get a little panicky about the floors this time of year, too.

With those beautiful leaves and cool weather, come heavy rain and high winds. The amount of mud and leaves that get tracked into my house from October to December is pure Dumbassery.

Some of you may remember my solution last year; the dust mop slippers:


THIS Is The Perfect Gift To Give New Parents #SOFUNNY

**I've partnered with Meeba to talk about doorbells and babies. Two things that do not go together! All opinions are my own.

Being that I'm a parent blogger, I'm frequently asked what the best gifts are to five new parents and children of various ages. Especially, my non-parent friends. And truth be told, I think it's a fair question. There's no doubt over the years I have heard all about, and tested, thousands of parents and kid-related products and services.

Oddly enough, I still recommend the classics: diapers, gift cards, open-ended toys like blocks and shape sorters...

Of course, every once in a while, I come across a product that is a parent game changer. Something that alleviates a parenting pain.  Think: Invention of Pack N' Play. What a game changer that thing is, even today!

In fact, any product that helps a baby sleep safely and soundly is a parenting dream come true...


Dear Parents of Little Girls, Even Though We Have Boys, We Have A Lot In Common

My three year old boy is ape-sh!t crazy. He never slows down. He tests every limit and rule he encounters, and insist he can do it, regardless of what "It" is. He pees outside for fun, turns yogurt sticks into guns, loves pretend, dress-up, games, and when people think he's "adorable", and everything else in between you can, and can't, imagine.

If it weren't for my friends with boys, I'd be positive that my kid was a rare breed of wild untamable toddler. Thankfully, they all would share war stories about their crazy boy doing crazy things. I resigned the fact that I had a boy, and such was life with a boy.

While I love having a boy, it didn't stop me from secretly wondering what it would be like to have a well-behaved little girl, like the ones I always saw playing quietly or sitting still at restaurants. I would look at my friends with little princesses and think how they had it so easy with their sweet little well-behaved princess.

As with almost all my preconceived notions about parenting and children, I was wrong.  It appears,  that all little girls aren't perfect little princesses...


11 First-Time Parent Fails. I Do Daily.

I always talk about my pre-baby life when I was the best parent. I knew all the parenting tricks, and above all, I knew how to be the greatest parent of all time. Then I had a baby, and ALL of my preconceived notions about parenting crashed at my feet.  I quickly learned that parenting was hard. Very hard. Even terrifying and dumbfounding at times.

Nearly four years into parenting, I am still a first-time parent. I always will be.  While it has gotten easier, and a little less shocking, my first-time parent tendencies shine through daily. Below are my First-Time Parent Fails. I Do Daily.

1. I overthink EVERYTHING. Including, lunches, playdates, trips to the park, snacks, bedtime... everything.


Two Years Later... Very Little Has Changed Between My Toddler And His Acceptance Of The Word, NO!

While going through old posts to help populate my new website, LoveLifeDIY.Com, I came across a post I wrote on July, 17, 2013--well over two years ago. In the post, I compare my mother and her dog, to Ollie and I. Sadly, over two years later, I'm still dealing with the same toddler BS!

Chances are, you are too.  Because, toddlers are masters of selective hearing...

I present an excerpt from; I'm a Lazy Doormat.

There is a growing problem going on in my house right now; Confusion over the meaning of the word no, and the number of times I use it in a row. Basically, the issue is, I say “No!” to Oliver, and most times, he just kind of stares at me, clearly trying to decide what I am going to do if he doesn't listen.

Then nine times out of ten, I say “No!” ten more times before anything happens. I know what you are thinking, if “No!” means, “Stop that right now!” then why do I say it 10 times in a row? I will tell you why, because of these two reasons:

1.   “No!” to my sweet son really means, “What? YOU want ME to stop? Like right now? Make me!”
2.    And well... at times, my parenting style is lazy doormat. Meaning, I’d rather say, “no,” 10 times then get up off my lazy ass. 

So you see... when you combine those two things, you get me saying “NO!” 10 times from the couch, while Oliver gives me his best, make me mommy, cheeky face look.  Yes, I am completely aware that this is bad parenting. But no worries, I have a plan!


5 Winter Weather Game-Changers For Children

**I've partnered with Veranda Outdoors, Butler Boots, and JoJo Maman Bebe to bring you some of the most amazing cutting-edge children's clothes and accessories for the 2015-2016 winter season

Being that last winter, it snowed from Halloween to the first week of April, I found myself under prepared a few times. From snow pants being too thin, or gloves not being waterproof, and boots failing to keep the kid's feet warm, we had issues.  Well, not this winter season!  I'm preparing early. I've been on the lookout for winter clothes and accessories that can not only stand up to a snow-loving toddler, but also have features that will make life easier.  

Below are five Winter Game-Changers I've found that have taken winter clothes and accessories to a level of brilliance.


My Three Year Old Learned How To Give The Finger. To Everyone.

Ollie has two older nephews, 8 and 9, that LOVE to teach him naughty things, then laugh hysterically when Ollie emulates them.

I get it. I'm guilty of taking advantage of his speech delays for my own amusement. In fact, I was super bummed when Ollie learned to properly say Duck and Bridges.

Still, teaching him bad words and gestures is not OK.

I'm constantly telling them that they know better, and while it's funny, Ollie has no clue what the naughty things mean, or even that the naughty things are even naughty. Especially, since his teachers, the two boys, laugh and cheer for him.

That all being said, when Ollie learned to stick his middle finger up, I drew the damn line.

I nearly died.


Find The Perfect Balance Between Parenting And Personal Life

This past Saturday, FTD and I celebrated our 5th wedding anniversary. I couldn't help but look back on how much has happened in the last five years. How drastically different my life is. How if you would have told me in 5 years I would own a house, have a toddler and be a published writer, I would have smacked the crack pipe out of your mouth, then paid to have your head checked.

But, it's true.

Five years ago today, I was newly married, had a negative balance in my bank account, was working a job I thoroughly loathed and had no plans to ever become a parent.

Today, I have a house, $3 in the bank, a badass toddler son, and published in both print and online media.

what. a. ride.


If You're A Gift and Holiday Shopping Procrastinator, READ THIS!

**I've partnered With Groupon To Offer Tips To Save Big On Holiday Shopping. All Opinions and tips, are my own!

You know that mom at 10:30 in the morning frantically searching for a birthday gift for a birthday party that's happening in 30 minutes? Yeah, that's me. And the crazy toddler two aisles over screaming something about Star Wars, that's my kid.

I'm a procrastinator. A proper procrastinator. I save everything until the last minute, and I mean EVERYTHING. From what we're going to eat for dinner, to buying gifts to getting my work done. everything.

But now that I'm a parent, being a procrastinator is ultra difficult. Saving things for the last-minute doesn't always work when you have a toddler who has BIG plans for you during those last few minutes. Or worse, you have to take the toddler with you to buy dinner or gifts.

Needless to say, my procrastinating ways are changing.


If You Won't Teach My Child To Write Cursive, I Will.

I was sitting with my sister, mother of two boys, 8 and 9, when she casually dropped a huge bomb on me.

Sister: ...Well now that they're not teaching cursive anymore...

Me: Blasphemy. When did that happen? 

Sister: This is not new. Cursive is considered obsolete.

Me: What asshole decided that? Cursive is a fundamental of the English written language! 

Me: Obsolete? It's how I write! So my son will not be taught how to read the way I was taught to write? What kind of dumbassery is that?

I tried to get my head around it. But I couldn't. After a little research, I learned that cursive was dropped, beginning in 2010, due to Common Core State Standards, adopted by 43 states and the District of Columbia. The initiative required "keyboarding skills," but made no mention of cursive, prompting school districts to limit or drop cursive. 

Are children working on computers so much that they're not writing by hand? 


Parenting PSA: If You Have A Toddler, Don't Do This...

Whatever you do, do not tell a toddler about something exciting unless it's going to happen the very next second. Trust me on this one. As usual, I've learned this parenting principle the hard way.

Looking back, I can see so many times I should have caught on to this parenting fail...


10 Signs That Your Child Is Spoiled. Or A Toddler. Same Thing.

I recently came across an article on POPSUGAR titled "10 Signs That A Child Is Spoiled." At first I thought, Ugh. Do I really want to read this?

Inherently, I know my kid is spoiled. I am a spineless twit when it comes to that kid. I spend my days trying to come up with creative ways of saying, "no" because the word itself doesn't register with him.

I read the article. I had to. 

I'm so glad I did! By number four on the list, I was laughing my ass off.  It was clear my kid was spoiled, but according to the list, it wasn't all my fault. Or FTD's.  

It was Nature's fault. 

As in, the Nature of the beast...


DIY: Because, Sometimes, You Gotta Smash It! #Hardwood #Renovation

If you follow me on social media, then you know, I have very lofty DIY ideas.

I have this old house, with beautiful bones, that I am desperate to uncover or renovate. Especially because the last renovation took place somewhere around when Jesus was born.

My latest lofty idea started when I found out you could paint tile floors. Being that I had the ugliest, crap tile stairwell floor in the galaxy, I was desperate to try something.


Nothing could look worse then the tile...

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