10 Things I Can't Have In My House Thanks To The Toddler

I think this picture is a pretty good indicator of what kind of a toddler I'm dealing with here...


The older, and taller, and more curious and mischievous my child gets, the more I have to childproof the house. Which, now that my kid is three, repeats every word and behavior he sees, and can somehow climb the walls like Spiderman, there are things that just cannot be in the house. Period.

First and foremost, Stickers. Stickers are not allowed in my child's hand. not one. Because, it will end up stuck to my ass. Minutes before I leave the house for a day of work and errands. There is no place for stickers in my house. I know, my toddler has stuck stickers everywhere, and not one place was awesome.


2. Packing Peanuts. My toddler can destroy a house with packing peanuts in under 10-seconds. It's unreal how fast he can spread them across the entire house, and into the yard. FYI: Packing peanuts can clog a vacuum, BIG TIME.

3. Glitter. Does Glitter really need an explanation?  No.

4. Crystal. Anything. My kid has some sort of homing beacon that leads him to danger and expensive shit begging to be broken. I've lost one candle stick and a sugar bowl. The rest has been packed high into the corner cupboard until the kid loses his butter fingers.

5. Candles. It's swear the kid thinks he's Fireman Sam. The second I light a candle, he sniffs it out, then blows it out, or points and yells fire until I blow it out. I don't even bother with them anymore. 

6. Soda, juice, candy. I don't care where I hide anything containing even remote traces of sugar, he seeks it out like a blood hound. Then, once found, he goes all Lord Of The Rings, My Precious over it until I give in and hand it over. For the record, I've lasted hours.

7. Bad Words. My toddler went from repeating bad words, to scolding you for saying them, while sometimes adding the word at the end. "MOMMY! Don't say that bad word!  Shit, is a very bad word."  He thinks he's so smart.

8. A Sharpie. Let's just say, if it wasn't for the Magic Eraser, I'd be screwed.

Unfortunately, the Magic Eraser didn't work to get the sharpie off the walls. I had to repaint those. Seriously, I just looked away for a minute. In that minute, he power Sharpie-ed all over the house. Never. Again.

9. One freaking good battery. WHAT THE HELL??? I buy a pack of 12 AA batteries, and the next day, GONE! How my son and husband can go through batteries like chocolate, is beyond me.

10. Order. Of any kind. Being that I have a toddler and a husband--who many refer to as "my other child"--order is impossible. Between the LEGOS and Star Wars EVERYTHING, order is completely out-the-door. If I can make my bed without tucking a few toys in, it's a freaking miracle.


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