Toddler Code of Conduct

10 Things All Toddlers Have In Common


Here are ten amazing facts about toddlers. Facts I wouldn't have believed unless I witnessed them myself...


1.     Toddlers are one big mess making factory. They can stand still in an empty white room and still figure out how to make a HUGE FREAKING MESS! I sometimes think my Toddler has a magnet for crap embedded in his body, so the minute he walks through a room all kinds of crap comes flying out from every corner, and lands at his feet.  Even though I watch it happen, I cannot wrap my head around the fact that something so small can completely wreck everything in 3.2 seconds! 
2.     Toddlers think everything is awesome... for five seconds. The attention span of a toddler has to rival that of a blowfly. Every single new thing my toddler comes across is badass.  He HAS to have it. Then five seconds later, he is on to the next awesome thing.
3.     Feeding a toddler is like feeding a monkey. A picky, drunken monkey. Between the flailing arms, the poor spoon/fork usage, the food launching and the occasional bite that actually makes it into their mouth… yeah, it's monkey business. Frustrating patience-testing monkey business.

4.     Toddlers have NO use for clothing. – My kid thinks shoes, pants and socks are the dumbest damn inventions. He has no use for them. My toddler would prefer to live as a free ballin’ nudist, and that’s all there is to it.
5.     Toddlers Have NO Shame. They will stop in the middle of a large crowd to concentrate on crapping their pants. They will fart in the arms of President. (I bet at least one has done it before… this year.) They will scream bloody she-is-kidnapping-me murder the minute you pick them up to leave the park and best wishes to those that think errands will be run in a timely clam orderly fashion. They have no shame and are happy to prove it. 
6.     Toddlers are 24/7 wrecking balls. If you love something or it is just expensive, a toddler will destroy it. DESTROY. IT. Again with the magnet theory. Toddlers have a homing beacon that seeks out expensive things, danger, and trouble.  
7.     Toddlers only have an ON switch.  The minute they learn something, that new function stays on! Walking, running, dancing, talking, repeating bad words… they learn it, and Man, it's SO ON!
8.     Toddlers like everything on repeat. I have read, and re-read, the same book for days in a row.  I have watched the same Mickey Mouse Clubhouse shows so many times I know the words. Why, yes, I have tried other books and shows. He doesn’t want those, he wants his Trucks and Diggers book read front to back, then back to front...  OVER AND OVER AND OVER. Don’t even get me started on the books with buttons, but only one button will do OVER AND OVER AND OVER. I have also stood by while my toddler has gone up and down the slide four hundred thousand times. Repeat I tell you. Repeat.
9.     To a toddler, ‘No’ means proceed at your own risk. They know better, but if they really want to do something, they are going to do it. Toddlers invented the theory: It's far easier to ask forgiveness, than permission.
10.  Toddlers ensure that there is never a dull Day. EVER!  For example, yesterday morning we needed a few things from the grocery. So I made my iced coffee, got Ollie and I dressed, and left for the store. Once at the store, (shoes already off of course) the second I unbuckled him from his car seat he lunged into the front seat, knocking my iced coffee into my driver's seat, (MY seat!) then he sat in it to drive the car. (Yes. Yes, I did want to shed a tear.) With no towels on hand, I used a diaper to sop up the coffee. Then, I turn my sights to him. Of course, while I was focused on cleaning up the coffee, he was climbing around the car turning on every button and emptying out my bag. When I finally caught him, I somehow missed him crapping his pants between leaving the house and that moment. Did I cry? No. Did I lose my temper? No. This is just another day in the life of a parent of a toddler.   





Call me certifiable, but I wouldn't trade it for anything. 

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10 Reason They Are Called, Toddlers


While talking with a fellow mother of a toddler, I made the joke that my toddler put the T in Toddler. Then I started rattling off a whole slew of other "T" words that my toddler fits, well, to a T! Below are, 10 Things the "T" in Toddler stands for. (Definitions, provided by the, Merriam Webster Dictionary.)

 1. Terrorize: v. To cause (someone) to be extremely afraid. If it's not what my toddler might say, it's what he might do that keeps me VERY afraid!

2. Tester: n. One that tests or is Used for Testing. Nothing gets by him without his own investigation. He needs to touch, question, play with... everything must be tested! 

3. Traitor n. 1. : one who betrays another's trust or is false to an obligation or duty 2 : one who commits treason.  A Toddler will throw anyone under the bus.  If they are not calling out someone, they are telling their business. 

4. Talkative: a. Tending to talk a lot or to enjoy having conversations with people. HE NEVER STOPS TALKING!

5. Tameless: a. not tamed or not capable of being tamed. The child cannot be tamed. Nope. It can't be done.  

6. Tantrum: n.  an uncontrolled expression of childish anger : an angry outburst by a child or by  someone who is behaving like a child. I'd say Merriam and Webster pretty much just summed it up. 

7. Tardy: a. Slow in moving, acting, or happening. For some reason when I tell my toddler it's time to go, he hears, sit down and start playing with toys. 

8. Truthful: a. containing or expressing the truth  A toddler will tell you anything you want to know. They will even tell on themselves!  They will also tell on you, so beware.

9. Thieves: n. One that steals especially stealthily or secretly. You have seen the toddler Rules of Possession  right?


10. Theatrical: a. Behaving or done in a way that is meant to attract attention and that is often not genuine or sincere.  OhMiLawd!  The theatrics! A toddler can give an Oscar winning performance at the drop of a hat. It's pretty amazing really. A toddler can go from full tear meltdown to excited and laughing back to meltdown. On queue they can do just about anything... but go to sleep of course.










The 5 Stages Of A Toddler Tantrum #HumorPost

Being that I have a very spirited toddler, I have become well versed in toddler meltdowns. Over time, I've begun to see a pattern in the different stages of tantrums emerge; Stages that I've recently realized are very similar to the five stages of grief. Of course, being that a toddler is involved, the level of Dumbassery is off the charts...


1. Denial- Toddler tantrums most always start with denial of some form. For me, the denial is him ignoring me, or staring at me with a look of shock and disbelief that I won't let him have his way, or just the good ol' go-to "NO!" flying out of his mouth while running away from me, my kid has denial down like a pro.

Funny Thing About The Ebb And Flow Of Toddlers


My sister, mother of two boys, is notorious for finding the coolest kid stuff. Though,  with her boys being eight and nine, she's had a few years of practice. That being said, she never misses a chance to spoil my toddler with cool off the wall things. Of course, nine times out of ten, the things are packed full of candy, or have some candy component. Which, usually leaves me asking her if she hates me.

Needless to say, my kid goes nuts when "Aunty Jen" comes to the door.

Two days ago, she showed up with the Claw Cup. A seemingly innocent cup, with a yellow plastic claw glove attached to it. I have to admit, the Claw is pretty cool. But no way did I expect my kid to love it so much.

HE WON'T TAKE THE DAMN THING OFF!

He refuses to eat or drink anything unless it is nestled happily in the claw. His snacks go in the claw, then when he needs a drink, he pours the snack out, plops his drink in and takes a sip, then takes the cup out and puts the snack back in.  Rinse. Repeat.

His love affair with the claw cup is so bad, the claw goes where we go.

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Yes, I know it's a skeleton hand, but he refers to it as a claw, which to me, is much less creepy.
Over the years, my kid has been given enough cool stuff to teach me that when he latches onto something, getting him to let it go will cause great psychological damage to all involved.


This goes for just about everything. The kid will get stuck on a bad behavior, bad word or object, and nothing I can do will stop the insanity. Then, one day, he stops on his own. The behavior, word or object have lost their luster, usually due to learning a new bad behavior, word or getting a claw cup.

Such is the ebb and flow of the toddler.


Toddlers learn something awesome, burn it out by overdoing it, then move on to new awesomeness. It's almost as if they have completely forgotten the word, behavior or object. They get so focused on whatever is new, that they forget what is old.

This predictability has kept me going in those moments where I'm sure I'm going to lose my shit before the word 'shit' loses it's luster.

Then, eventually, all is right in the world again. Until, of course, he learns the word butthole from his oldest nephew...  (IT NEVER FREAKING ENDS!)

I do think it's weird how toddlers get so wrapped up in something, only to forget about it overnight.  I can't help but wonder if one day it all comes back? What if my kid wakes up, says shit, moons me, grabs the claw cup, blows bubbles in his milk, then takes off running, barefoot, out the front door, alone. You know, like a Toddler Tsunami where he starts doing all the shit he's ever done that made me crazy, all at once.

Thanks to all this ebb-and-flowing, I'm starting to understand my kid better. Making it much easier to rationalize why he is the way he is. I just wish there was a way to channel his drive for knowledge, independence and cutting his own path in the world, while questioning everything, into something much more productive then diving me crazy.




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'Terrible Threes' Or Not, The Kid Has LOST HIS MIND!

There is kind of this behavioral 'Ebb and Flow' with my todller. He goes through super naughty phases, then calms down a little, then loses his mind with naughtiness again, only to calm back down to angel-child status.

I've come to realize the calm down phase should only be seen as sort of an intermission before his next ridiculous Act.

You would think by now, nothing would surprise me. I do, after all, have an evil genius for a toddler.

Clearly pondering "What's the worst that could happen if I pull the plug on this place."

This kid is crazy, and enjoys kicking things up an extra notch for extra fun...

Toddler Code Of Conduct: Ridiculous Mantras 3-Year Olds Live By

That's right, it's time for a new round of The Toddler Code Of Conduct!

Since turning three, the wild-child has kicked it up a few more notches. The biggest change in his toddler conduct from age two to three is a massive push towards INDEPENDENCE. Thanks to trading war stories with numerous parents with a three-year-old toddler, I realize I'm not alone. Three year olds are little wild terrors who have a point to prove; Their Independence from you!

The following 17 things appear to be hardwired into three-year-olds. Think: Mantras, rules, evolution, whatever it is, these little maniacs make sure their parents never have a dull day.

So without further ado, The Three Year Old Code Of Conduct. a.k.a 17 ridiculous things that appear to be hardwired into three-year-old toddlers...




1. When handed a beverage, first take off the lid, take a small sip, dig out a few pieces of ice, and then dump the cup in your lap. Extra points awarded for splashing surrounding area.

2. Stickers are solid gold. Display them EVERYWHERE including, but not limited to, the car window, back of the seat in front of you, your head, hand, leg, the cat, mommy's butt, daddy's shoes, the walls, food, hair... if it will stick to it, then stick it!

3. Pants, shirts and shoes combined make a triple threat. NEVER succumb to wearing all three without a fight.

4. At all times, stay focused on your purpose in life, The dirtier, the better. The dirtier you can get and make things, proves you mean business.

5. Never say yes the first time. All questions must be answered with, NO!  Except, when offered cakes, candy or ice cream.

6. DO NOT Sleep in your bed the entire night. It's just plain dumbassery that you should be expected to sleep alone.



7. Your turds are huge now, poop in the toilet. Let them potty train you. Besides, all of your friends have awesome superhero underwear, and you know you want superhero underwear too.

8. When released from your car seat, dart to the front seat and honk the horn. One hundred times. 

9. Refuse to eat food that has been broken, opened wrong, or God forbid, cut wrong.

10. Whenever possible, help mom clean the house by dipping a mop, sponge or washcloth into the toilet first and then wipe EVERYTHING YOU CAN.

11. Candy is the greatest thing on earth. DEMAND it. Then once you have it, carry it around until everything is sticky--including, but not limited to, you, the walls, your toys, mommy's clothes, Daddy's computer, the dogs face--and then eat it. Remember, the milk chocolate does melt in your hands, and that's really cool.

12. Act like an angel when in the care of others. Not so much because it's the right thing to do, but because it screws with your parents who expect to hear horror stories. Plus, when they complain about your behavior, no one will possibly believe, you, the perfect little angel, is capable of being THAT naughty!

13. Insist on doing EVERYTHING yourself, with the exception of wiping your own ass. Ain't nobody got time for that! Except mommy and daddy. They love it.

14. Embarrass your parents every chance you get. Meltdowns, name-calling, fake crying and ignoring them in public are always winners.

15. Never say 'mommy' or 'daddy' just once. Say their name repeatedly until you get the answer or attention you want. Think: No less than twenty times. A good rule of thumb is to shoot for a saying 'Mommy' at least a million times a day.

16.  Naps are as dumb as broken cookies. Fight them accordingly. Besides you're three, you don't need no stinking nap!

17. Bedtime is your last chance to play for the day, make the most of it.



What's your child doing that's driving you crazy?