THIS Is What Happens When You Turn Your Back On A Toddler...

At exactly two and a half, my toddler has reached what I like to think of as the epicenter of his ridiculousness.  He is the king of testing limits, ignoring "NO's!" and all together trying to live by his rules. Getting him to stay in timeout for more than 20-seconds has officially become known as, Mission Impossible. And the stuff that's starting to fly out of his mouth... I know the parents of three and four year olds swear it gets worse, but I just can't imagine how.  No freaking way can it get any worse...  I will lose my freaking mind!

THIS is what happened when I turned my back on my toddler in the store...

He is in the ball cage. IN IT!

It gets worse?!

The thought of my kid getting progressively worse over the next two years, takes my breath away.  I just cannot imagine it. And I mean that in a, If I imagine it I will need a straight jacket and a vodka Valium direct I.V., sort of way.

Recently, my toddler has turned into such a little $h*t. No, make that a $h*t and a half! When he is in his, I don't care what you think or say because I can do what I want, element, he is horrifying! He hits, throws things, ignores me, and/or pinches me! WTF?! It's like he goes from sweet and helpful, to psycho and horrifying in 3.2 seconds.  

I am constantly telling him, and anyone who will listen, he is lucky he wasn't born in the 70's, because he would constantly have a red ass! In the 70's parents spanked... in the aisle of the grocery store. Now, in 2014, if I even think about spanking Ollie, not only do I feel like a HORRIBLE mother, I am afraid CPS will be at my door.  

With spanking out, and "talking about it" laughable, I am left with, timeout.  Which is basically, mission impossible. Trying to keep Ollie sitting in the timeout chair for 20-seconds takes me 20-minutes.  He is awful. The goal is to put him in timeout and make him stay sitting quietly for 20-seconds.  Yes, 20-stupid-measly-seconds, and it's still freaking impossible!

The way it works is, he has to sit in the chair for 20-seconds, and if he sticks even a toe on the ground before time is up, time starts over. You all, the little $h*t sits still for five seconds, then starts trying to test how close he can get his toe to the ground and still get away with it.  

Yesterday, he was terrible, and FTD and I were too... He was in timeout and kept trying to stick his toe down on the ground, so what do we do... Laugh. Both of us had to look away while we helped him count! FAIL!

Even though I insist my sick and childish sense of humor helps more than hurts when it comes to parenting, it's times like that when my kid is being cheeky and naughty, that I need help.  I nearly bit my tongue off trying not to laugh! 

I just can't even deal with the idea that it's going to get worse!  How? How can it get worse than this?

OR this...



If my kid gets progressively worse, I will be in a padded room before he turns three! 

April is an award-winning writer and blogger. Her work has been published in over ten countries and four languages. From books to newspapers, to print/online magazines and everything in between, you can find her work. For more on April, Visit