10 Things The Parenting Books Are Afraid To Tell You

There's no doubt about it, the parenting books seem to leave out the scariest parts of parenting.  I get it, freaking out a pregnant chick is not the best thing to do, but making a new first-time parent think parenting is easy if you follow the steps in the book, is crap too!

In an effort to do the job the parenting books won't, and in honor of top 10 Tuesday, below are 10 Things The Parenting Books Are Afraid To Tell You.

5 Fun Ways To Kick Your Coffee Up A Notch #DairyEnvy #NationalCoffeeDay

Happy National Coffee Day! Though, if you're a coffee lover like me, then everyday is national coffee day. 

**I have received information and materials from McNeil Nutritionals, LLC the makers of LACTAID®. The opinions stated are my own. This is a sponsored post.

While I totally respect the black coffee drinker, I prefer coffee with an extra kick. Or at the very least, a little extra flavor enhancement. Unfortunately, since having my son, I've become Lactose intolerant. So, I really need to get creative if I want more than sugar in my cuppa! 

In honor of National Coffee Day, and my love for all things coffee, I have partnered with my favorite 100% dairy, but Lactose free family, 
LACTAID® , to share a few fun recipes to help you celebrate National Coffee Day In Style. That's right, get ready to start pinning Lattes, cupcakes, ice cream and more!


Beat Holiday Weight Gain Before It Beats You. It's Time For A #3030Challenge

I LOVE the holidays. I love the food, the family and friend togetherness, the presents, the cozy weather, and of course, the traditions. And by "traditions" I mean, Halloween candy, Thanksgiving dinner and Christmas cookies. However, if I don't do something to offset my future fatty food fetish, I'll be wearing my fat jeans permanently.

Bottom Line: I have under two months to reel it in and get my winter diet and exercise plan together.

It's time for a 30/30 Challenge!

So what is the 30/30?

In a nut shell: All you have to do is walk thirty minutes a day, for thirty days. Here's the best part, you can walk at any pace you want, snail slow if you want, or train for the race walking Olympic team--if there is one? Basically, just walk for thirty minutes a day, for 30 days straight.

I wish I could take the credit for this program, but I learned about it on, "The Doctors" TV show. They had an episode full of different diet and exercise challenges and fads. The 30/30 Walking Challenge was the one that really resonated with me.

The walking challenge is a totally body, mind and spirt revamp. In 30 Days you can lower heart attack risk, lose weight, add years to your life, sleep better and of course, better your over all health and mood. Don't believe me? Here's the actual clip from the Doctors Show:


Does Your Kid Do This Too?

Speaking from experience, when it's your kid pulling the fire alarm in a major department store, in that moment, you're sure you have THE naughtiest, most Ill-behaved child in the galaxy. You immediately wonder where you went wrong in your parenting. Then you shut your eyes and pray the floor will open up and suck you in.

Then, a miracle happens.

You're immediately absolved from being a terrible parent.

Everyone you encounter, including the management at the store, not only tells you not to worry, they tell you similar stories about an equally crazy kid. The stories make you feel better, and in some cases, actually thankful your kid pulled the fire alarm and not the horrendous thing the other kid did.(OMG! Did you see my Facebook post on the kid that crapped in the grocery store?)

Nothing brings me more relief then when my kid embarrasses the crap out of me, and another parent laughs out loud, and says, "My kid does that too!"

The truth is, kids are super unpredictable. It's not only my child. Or yours. They all lose the plot.

The things my kid does are shocking. I'm convinced he needs a wheelbarrow for his balls, because he has no fear. Especially, when it comes to getting hurt or in trouble.

I'm not kidding, the kid never allows for a dull moment, from the second he wakes up, to the second he goes to sleep. But, really, what toddler does?

This is basically a day in the life of my kid:


Mom Tip #44 Dress Your Kid In Bright Clothing To Easily Spot Them In A Crowd

There is no denying it, my kid is absolutely wild. He is a quintessential three-year-old; always on the go. He runs from point A to point B and back again, he climbs anything that is climbable, and has absolutely no problem running away from FTD or I in big crowds, parties or fun events.

The kid has absolutely no fear! I see toddlers walking with their parents, holding their hands, and think, damn, why can't mine do that? Luckily, I have a mom trick to combat that...


If Only The Next President Would Do Any One Of These 10 Things...

After the presidential debates, news shows and slander ads, I have only one positive takeaway, with the election a year away, there's still hope a true President will emerge. Because, so far, I feel like I'm watching amateur hour at the local comedy club.

I mean, it's so bad, I was ready to throw my vote to Donald Trump at one point. Seriously.

I really couldn't get my head around how Trump was killing it in the Polls. Then, I started really paying attention to the presidential hopefuls, and realized, in a very sick twist, Donald Trump was proving to be the lesser of two evils. He was saying what Americans were thinking. He wasn't apologizing for being an big-mouthed ding-dong. The man was real. 100% uncensored, real. WHAT A BREATH OF FRESH AIR!

I think Donald tapped into what was going to be key in 2016, speak for the people, and focus on our country first, international affairs second.

Which, got me thinking. What do I want from my future President? Or better yet, if were President, what would I do?

In honor of Top 10 Tuesday, I decided to write out the 10 Things I would Do If I was President...


Action for Healthy Kids Brings Positive Changes to School Lunch Program

In September, Clarence Gooden tweets mentioned Action for Healthy Kids, an organization that had recently received grants from CSX Corporation. As a transportation company, it seemed unusual that they would provide grants to a non-profit whose focus was not on transporting goods but instead focused on creating healthier schools. However, Action for Healthy Kids provides a significant impact on the nation’s school lunch program in an effort to promote healthier living for children.

History of Action for Healthy Kids

What Is It With Kids And Huge Messes? #MommyMustHave

**I've partnered with EnviroKlenz to talk about solutions for safely and effectively cleaning up after little mess makers. All opinions are my own. Especially the part about my kid having a franchise of Mess Factories. EnvirKlenz promises they don't think that. (They would if they came to my house!)

I don't know what it is about kids, but they are mess making factories. 

It's mind boggling how everything my toddler touches, he gets dirty. Like how Midas had the Golden touch, my kid has the Mess touch. It never fails that every drink I pour him, every snack I hand him and every art project I do with him, always ends in a huge mess. 

Don't even get me started on when he wants to "help mommy clean." Remember the time he mopped the floors with a mop he first dunked in the toilet a few times? Even when I give him the simplest task, he somehow gets sidetracked along the way, and creates a mess. 

For example, last weekend, I had the wild-child run up to his room to get a new pair of shorts. A few minutes pass and he's not back... I go looking for him. Scared for what I might find.

There. On my bed. Was my toddler with a soaking wet washcloth, rubbing at something. Upon closer inspection, laying next to him was an empty oil diffuser bottle. He spilled the bottle on my bed and was trying to clean it up. 

Of course, I nearly died. 

The oil had soaked through my duvet, down comforter and favorite sheets!  I ripped everything off the bed, ran to the washing machine, popped it on hot, dumped in detergent and bleach, tossed in my sheets and duvet and prayed for the best.

Thirty minutes later, out came something that smelled so horrible, I thought the fumes would kill me.  Imagine, Honeysuckle oil, mixed with unscented laundry detergent and bleach. It was atrocious. I couldn't freaking believe it, between the kid dumping oil on my entire bed set, and me thinking bleach would be a good idea, everything, including my comforter were ruined.

I looked over and saw what I though might be my last hope...

I had just been sent a blogger review kit for EnviroKlenz Laundry Enhancer and Everyday Odor Eliminator. I picked up the container of Laundry Enhancer and read the label...

"EnviroKlenz Laundry Enhancer can be used to remove a variety of stubborn odors associated with sweat & body odors, chemical odors, musty & mildew smell, fragrances or perfumes on new or thrift store clothing, and scents left behind by detergents and fabric softeners. Color Safe & Non-Bleaching..."  

I decided to give the linens one more wash, if nothing else, I needed to put EnviroKlenz to the test anyway, why not give it the ultimate test? Fixing a Toddler and Mommy made stink bomb! 


Here's The Lowdown On EnviroKlenz Laundry Enhancer

Promising to remove fragrance and toxic vapors from clothes and linens. The enhancer works with regular laundry detergent by neutralizing the odors and fragrances from your clothing without the use of harsh chemicals, masking agents or fragrances.  
  • Remove Smoke Smell from Clothing
  • Remove Chemical odors or new clothes smell
  • Remove Wet Towels Smells & Mildew Smells
  • Neutralize and Remove Thrift store smell from clothing
  • Remove sweat and Body odors from outdoor or work clothing
  • Remove fragrances and perfumes from clothing and linens
  • Remove odors associated with neglect or storage smells
When the wash cycle ended, I pulled out the first sheet with not very high expecations, this was oil and bleach after all.  

Ho. Lee. Crap!  It worked. 

I had to shove my face into the clean sheets to pick up the fastest smell of bleach. 

I was amazed by the laundry enhancer. And the fact that it doesn't have any added fragrances like other laundry enhancers is a HUGE bonus for the sensitive skin types in my house. 

Since finding out just how effective the EnviroKlenz Laundry Enhancer is, I have washed our bathroom and kitchen rugs and the cat's bed, and just like with the sheets, they came out clean free of yucky smells!  

Bottom Line: I definitely recommend EnviroKlenz. I was literally wowed by the first wash! 

If you want to take the EnvironKlenz line for a spin,  (HAHAHAHA Pun Intended!) enter FirstTimeMom at checkout! To check out the compete EnvronKlenz line, Click here! 


Funny Thing About The Ebb And Flow Of Toddlers

My sister, mother of two boys, is notorious for finding the coolest kid stuff. Though,  with her boys being eight and nine, she's had a few years of practice. That being said, she never misses a chance to spoil my toddler with cool off the wall things. Of course, nine times out of ten, the things are packed full of candy, or have some candy component. Which, usually leaves me asking her if she hates me.

Needless to say, my kid goes nuts when "Aunty Jen" comes to the door.

Two days ago, she showed up with the Claw Cup. A seemingly innocent cup, with a yellow plastic claw glove attached to it. I have to admit, the Claw is pretty cool. But no way did I expect my kid to love it so much.


He refuses to eat or drink anything unless it is nestled happily in the claw. His snacks go in the claw, then when he needs a drink, he pours the snack out, plops his drink in and takes a sip, then takes the cup out and puts the snack back in.  Rinse. Repeat.

His love affair with the claw cup is so bad, the claw goes where we go.

Yes, I know it's a skeleton hand, but he refers to it as a claw, which to me, is much less creepy.
Over the years, my kid has been given enough cool stuff to teach me that when he latches onto something, getting him to let it go will cause great psychological damage to all involved.

This goes for just about everything. The kid will get stuck on a bad behavior, bad word or object, and nothing I can do will stop the insanity. Then, one day, he stops on his own. The behavior, word or object have lost their luster, usually due to learning a new bad behavior, word or getting a claw cup.

Such is the ebb and flow of the toddler.

Toddlers learn something awesome, burn it out by overdoing it, then move on to new awesomeness. It's almost as if they have completely forgotten the word, behavior or object. They get so focused on whatever is new, that they forget what is old.

This predictability has kept me going in those moments where I'm sure I'm going to lose my shit before the word 'shit' loses it's luster.

Then, eventually, all is right in the world again. Until, of course, he learns the word butthole from his oldest nephew...  (IT NEVER FREAKING ENDS!)

I do think it's weird how toddlers get so wrapped up in something, only to forget about it overnight.  I can't help but wonder if one day it all comes back? What if my kid wakes up, says shit, moons me, grabs the claw cup, blows bubbles in his milk, then takes off running, barefoot, out the front door, alone. You know, like a Toddler Tsunami where he starts doing all the shit he's ever done that made me crazy, all at once.

Thanks to all this ebb-and-flowing, I'm starting to understand my kid better. Making it much easier to rationalize why he is the way he is. I just wish there was a way to channel his drive for knowledge, independence and cutting his own path in the world, while questioning everything, into something much more productive then diving me crazy.

Not following us on social media yet? You're missing out on all of our behind the scenes nonsense, and trust me, it's complete and utter nonsense.


If You Do Nothing Else This Weekend, Do This...

If you follow me on social media then you know the Aussie (FTD) has a serious garage sale problem.

The man has a HUGE problem, however, I have no plans to stop him.  The things he's found are insane. Now, before we buy anything big, FTD and Ollie hit the Saturday morning garage sales with a list and $20 in hand. (While I sleep in!)

I have to admit, I can't wait for the two to get home to show me their bounty, because it never fails that they score big!

Being that FTD is a master, I asked him to spread his knowledge so you too can be a garage sale master... 

This is a photo I took of him pulling up from a Saturday "ride around the neighborhood."  Everything you see on the moped, including the GIZMO moped, were bought at garage sales in the neighborhood.

*** FTD here *** thought I'd throw in a few pointers about the 'ole Yard sale excitements that Ollie and I look forward to every week.

  1. Check CRAIGSLIST the night before and again at about 8:00am on Saturday for advertised sales in your neighbourhood! Then you don't have to cruise around the streets in your sportscar like you're searching for a hooker.
  2. Save your coins or loose change throughout the week and dump 'em in a grubby ziplock bag. Hand it over to your child of choice and let 'em bargain for his/her own crappy toys.  Nothing melts the heart of a stone-faced seller than a 3 year-old with a handful of pennies trying to buy a 50 inch LCD tv to watch Caillou on.
  3. BUY ATARI 2600 game cartridges!!! Just buy 'em - Even if you don't have an atari! They're great to hold up wonky furniture, you can throw 'em at the neighbor's cat shitting in your yard or use them as vintage cheese platters (for small bits of cheese).
  4. If you find something incredible and you're not 100% sure about it...CALL the wife/husband! Nothing is more unfortunate than bringing home what you believe is an AWESOME find only to have your partner pull a droopy faced scowl and make a comment like "that's going in the shed" or (even better...and more common)..."what were you thinking you imbicile!"
  5. DON'T be an arsehole!  If a nice old lady is selling a fantastic piece of art for $10...PAY the 10 bucks! Nothing makes me cringe more than a fellow bargain-hunter who grabs something obviously under-priced, loudly proclaims that it's "too old/broken/too expensive" then says "will ya take $1".  You KNOW that these peaknuckles will be posting their finds on Ebay within a day or so for 50 times the price!  If you see this kind of crappy behavior, do what I do...instantly offer more than the advertised price to the owner and watch the sausage-head squirm. Even if you don't want the bloody thing.
  6. If someone is having a yard sale in their driveway...Don't park yer V8 super-extended pickup truck in the driveway itself 'cause you "can't find a carpark".  Crikeys! have some respect. I once watched a arrogant banana pull into a driveway (nearly knocking over the owner) music blaring, then get out leaving the engine running and started to rummage through boxes of stuff like a rat looking for a piece of cheese. WANKER!  

Anyways!  The fact is that at 3.5 years, Ollie has learned how to spot a bargain, has an understanding of the value of money and how to interact with sellers. It's a great way to get younger kids using math in a real-world setting and gives your partner a break for an hour or so each week!

Good Hunting!

Not following us on social media yet?  You're missing out on all of our behind the scenes nonsense, and trust me, it's complete and utter nonsense.


I'm Trying To Get In A Lifetime Of Hugs In Less Than Five Years.

There is absolutely nothing I love more than cuddling with my son. I love holding him close and smelling his sweet baby scent. I love the way my heartbeat slows and my entire body fills with beautiful energy. It's pure momma lovin' bliss. What's not momma lovin' bliss, is knowing soon my son will be totally grossed out by the thought of sitting in his mommy's lap for cuddle time.

<Insert momma meltdown>

When I think about this loss of cuddle time, I find myself holding my son a little tighter, and for longer. I find myself trying to get a lifetime of hugs in before he turns five.

It's total crap that I only get a short time in my son's life to hold him tight for as long as I want. It's not fair that the beautiful moments of affection we share throughout the day, will be gone before I know it. I'm dreading the day I go to hug my son, only to get the hand out stopping me followed by, "Mom! Gross."

Damn that day!P

It seems like five was the magical age for my nephews to not want to be held during movies, or happily hug me when I came and went. Now, at 7 and 8 years old, they run like hell when they see me coming for hugs and kisses. Not that it stops me from chasing them all over the house and then clobbering them with hugs and kisses when I catch them. Sadly, I know this will be gone soon too.  Soon, it will be creepy of me to chase them for cuddles. I will have no choice but to learn to love the ass out hugs, and take them when I can get them.

I know this will be the case with my son at some point too.

I think about how it must suck even worse for dads, since their time to hug and cuddle seems to be cut even shorter. I might be wrong, but it does seem like after four, my nephews were only going to their dad for comfort after a fall, or fight with their sibling. Whereas before, they would crawl in daddy's lap whenever it was free.

 I know it will kill FTD; he loves cuddling with Ollie as much as I do.
While I know I will not go hug-less after my son's fifth birthday, the cuddles will slow down and become few and far between as he gets older. In order to not completely go mental over this, everyday I try to get in a lifetime of cuddles, kisses and hugs. Everyday, on many many many occasions, I hold my son tight and tell him I love him, so in a few years when he is completely grossed out by momma cuddles, I will know I didn't waste one chance to experience one of the most beautiful gifts of motherhood; holding my child tight and telling him how much I love him.

Top Rated Waterproof Crib Mattress Every Parent Should Know About #Giveaway

*I've partnered with Amy Carinn to start a conversation about how parents want the very best for their children. All opinions are my own.

I think all parents will agree, we want the very best for our children. With first-time parents being the most guilty of taking it to the extreme. We want the top rated safest mattress with the best cover and sheets, as organic and natural as possible. The same goes for the clothes they wear and the food they put into their body.

One place I'm always looking for the top rated baby and children's gear is Amazon. They have a top sellers listing that I constantly browse. I see something new or that I like, I read the reviews see if it's really the best.  There's no denying, Amazin is a great place to find a great deal too!

When Amy Carinn, of the Amy Carinn Collection, reached out to see if I would review her Amazon Top Selling waterproof mattress cover, for both crib and Pack 'N Play mattresses, I certainly took a look.

After reading the reviews,  4.9 stars out of five, as voted on by 145 people, most all verified purchases, I was certainly impressed and intrigued. One of the reviews was even from someone who left an initial review May 5,  then came back in July just to say how much they still loved it. I don't think I've ever seen that!

Actual Amazon Review:

***7/21/15 UPDATE***
I am still just so in love with this waterproof crib mattress protector. Even after several washes and times in the dryer, it still fits perfectly without me forcing it onto the mattress and still is as new as if it were the day I received it. 
And then, I receive a new one in the mail because Amy Carinn has improved the quality by perfection when I didn't even think that was possible. And yet, it is! The new one seems to fit even better than the first. The padding is a little more, but still not so much that one would feel unsafe for their child to sleep on. 
This collection is still just the absolute best! The best part is the fit! I can't emphasize this enough. Most sheets for cribs make you bend the mattress a little in order for the corners to actually be at the corner. Not with this...this is an absolute perfect fit! Thank you to Amy Carinn for perfecting this mattress protector. I can't wait to see what else you come out with...how about that Queen Size Mattress Protector??? Hint Hint...lol
Um, wow. I emailed Amy back and said, I have got to see this amazing mattress pad, send NOW!

So here's the lowdown on these Amazon best-selling waterproof mattress pads for Toppler beds and Pack 'N Plays.

My favorite features:

1. 50% stronger thread than the competition.
2. Shrink resistant fabrics.
3. Exclusive Heat Protection Layer™ which protects the waterproof membrane from dryer heat. After 300 washes in a lab test, Amy Carinn Mattress covers had no thread breakage, minimal shrinkage, and no leaks!
4. Also available in an unbleached undyed bamboo mattress cover! 
5. The material and feel are so lovely! I know that's a strange way to explain it, but that's all I could think when I took the mattress cover out of the box! Ollie wouldn't get off of it!

I have to say, I see what all the hype is about. The mattress cover is lovely.  Absolutely lovely.  It's silky soft and quilted, but certainly not too quilted. And the waterproof backing material is soft and lovely too! And at under $25 for the cover, you can't beat it!

If you're in the market for a crib or Pack N Play mattress cover. I definitely definitely Definitely recommend this product! Use code LLSBLOG25 for 25% off! click here to Buy now!

Feeling Lucky?  TWO lucky readers are going to win both, a Crib/Toddler mattress cover and Pack N' Play cover!  Sign up below!



The Truth About What Happened To My Lawn And The Final Verdict On Seeding Vs. Sodding

Last September 2014, Trugreen reached out about me working with them to review their lawncare program. I worked with them on a previous campaign in July, for a charity event they do, and they were so pleased with how that turned out, they wanted to work out something again. Being that I have seen Trugreen and action, I was all for working with them. They're known for making the PGA tournament greens, well, green.

The general manager came out, and decided that my yard being 90% weeds and crabgrass, should just be killed and seed a new lawn with Fescue.

The plan was that he would come out and kill the grass, then after a week or two to let the existing grass weeds die back, he would reseed using a power seeder. The machine digs ruts and then shoots seeds into them. The goal was to have the grass back to green within two months and fully filled in by the following spring 2015.

Nothing went as planned.


The weather was horrible with an early snow coming before Halloween. There were also parts of the grass that were not growing, leaving large bald spots no matter how many seedings they got.

By November we had to quit trying.

April 2015, the first seeding went down. We kept fighting the bare patches all over the yard.

Over the next three months, every few weeks, a new seeding would go down on the patches. Around July we had to admit, there was no chance of growing grass in the spots. The air was very hot and sticky humid, with no rain in complete 10-day forecasts.  A typical July in Louisville, Kentucky.

August 2015, I accepted that the patches wouldn't grow. I had watered my ass off for nine months. And I couldn't take it anymore. And so I reached out to Trugreen with my issues. After reviewing the photos of the process, they too agreed that there was definitely something going on with the yard, they took a soil sample, and ultimately decided that it was probably best to just sod the lawn.

And so, here we are with sod.  A year later to the date, Trugreen once again killed my entire lawn, that ironically, was 99% weeds and crab grass by this point. Two weeks later, the most awesome sod team showed up and now my lawn is STUNNING! It's honestly beyond my wildest dreams.

Lessons learned about seeding, sodding, and sticking up for myself over the last 12-months.

1. Seeding and sodding start the same. You kill the existing lawn, COMPLETELY, then rake up the dead grass, then either throw down seed or sod. With both, you water your ass off morning and evening for ten days, then back off slowly until the seed or sod, root very well.

2. I will NEVER seed again. It sucks. The grass grows in in patches, and at least 2-3 more seedings are needed to fill in spots. Which, means more watering... SUCKS!

3. I knew in my heart that something was wrong with the patches. I reached out to my local contact on many occasions with my concerns.  Being that he didn't want to admit the spots were his fault due to overuse of complete vegetation killer, he either blamed me for doing something wrong, or insisted it would take another seeding.  When I finally reached my wits end, I contacted Trugreen corporate, and thankfully, after explaing the situation and sending over photos, they agreed there was an issue, and offered to sod.

4. In the end, I wouldn't work with my Trugreen local branch again, but there is no denying, if they promise to do something for you, they will deliver.

THIS Is Why I Started Paying For Apps

*I've partnered with the makers of Safari Tales, KUATO, to talk about what goes into the development of outstanding educational apps for children, and why they are worth every penny. 

When I got my first iPhone, I couldn't wait to download apps. All of my friends had their favorites, and carried on about how life changing their favorite app was. 

Heck yeah, I wanted that too! However, I had no intention of paying for it.

With millions of Apps to choose from, half of which were free or had a 'lite' version, I couldn't even foresee a time when I would need to pay. Within a day, I had 30 free apps downloaded. Needless to say, I was in time-wasting heaven with my new phone.

Then, Angry Birds happened. After I beat the "lite" version, I had no choice but to buy the full version. I was freaking obsessed with the game. Thankfully, it was only $.99., but truth be told, I would have paid $10 for the app!

It's been nearly eight years since I bought my first app, and in that time, I may have purchased one or two more. Still, with so many free fun apps to download, paying for an app just didn't make sense.

Then... I had a baby, who turned into a toddler OBSESSED with my iPhone and iPad. Still, determined not to pay for an app, I downloaded free apps left and right for him. 

With a short attention span, I was sure the lite versions would be fine for my toddler...


Learn From My First-Time Mom Mistake, Teach Your Kid To Wipe His Own Butt!


Between sleep-training and potty-training, it's a wonder parents make it out of the toddler phase with any of their marbles. I'm constantly thinking, This is it! I'm really going lose my shit! 

Amazingly, I don't.

Well, in an ugly twist, I am positive this latest development in potty-training is definitely going to do me in.

The Good News: My kid is so self sufficient, he goes to the potty by himself. The only time I have to prompt him to go, is when we are leaving the house. Pretty much, the only time he ever asks for help, is when he needs me to wipe his butt.

The Bad News: He's no longer calling me to wipe his butt. Which, sounds like a good thing, but without a butt wiping protocol already in place, things got messy, fast.


My Kid Pulled The Fire Alarm In A Major Department Store #TrueStory

I should have known I was screwed when the kid blasted through the doors of the department store squealing and running 50 feet in front of me. 

In my best yell, but not really yelling voice, I said, "Oliver, get back here". He continued to charge towards the man playing the piano in the center of the store.

I should've just left. I know better. He's three and nuts!

In fact, on the way to the store we had a talk about him being a good boy so mommy can run errands. He promised, he would be very very good.

Mistake number one: Believing a toddler.

Mistake number two: Taking the toddler to the department store.

I had to pick up a few things and since I was there, I wanted to pay the bill, so once I caught up to him, I grabbed his hand,reminded him that he promised to be a good boy, then headed to the escalator, which he absolutely loves. He jumped on the escalator and up to the second floor we went. 

When we got off the escalator, we turned left to go to the customer service desk. Again, he's running 50 feet in front of me, squealing and having the best time. Immediately, he beelines for a clothes rack to hide in the middle.

Why I hadn't left yet is a testament to how crazy I am. I dug him out of the clothes rack, and headed for the customer service desk to pay the credit card bill.

Just as I finish paying the bill, he comes to me, looks up and says, "Mommy, I don't have to poop."

Great. He has to poop.

Me: OK, buddy. But let's got to the potty anyway.

Him: OK, but I don't have to poop

He pooped.

After washing his hands, we walked out into the lingerie department. Being that I'm a sucker for sale, I see a clearance rack of bras, and walk right over. He climbs into the middle of the rack, which is OK because I can keep my eye on him and still keep shopping.

The next thing I know, the fire alarm is going off. The emergency lights are flashing, an alarm is blaring, confused people are looking for exits... 

My heart sank. Please, Lord, don't let my kid be behind this...

Sure enough, there's my child, basically swinging from the fire alarm.

Wholeshare: Because Everyone Wants To Grocery Shop From Their Couch


 *I've partnered with Wholeshare to talk about the ease and huge cost savings group buying offers.     All opinions are my own.

The buying power the Internet gives the consumer is completely changing the retail game. Which, is awesome since the holidays are coming up and budgets get tight. Especially, for families striving to provide healthy, wholesome, natural food and products for their family, that can quickly blow the budget.

I’ve recently been introduced to, Wholeshare,  a website that allows communities, moms groups, families, PTO and really any large groups to purchase high quality name brand natural food and products, at wholesale prices, saving them hundreds and even thousands on an annual basis.

What got my attention about Wholeshare is the HUGE product selection It’s like going to Whole Foods!

Wholeshare, brings the consumer to the wholesale distributer. No middlemen means no extra fees resulting in product mark-ups. And the best part is that you form your own group:

Basically, you get your family, friends, co-workers, church group, sorority sisters, whoever, then have everyone within your “group” shop the Wholeshare website, adding the things they want to their cart, which automatically join the groups orders together to create huge bulk buying savings. Once the deadline set for everyone to place their order ends, the order is automatically placed.   

And unlike having to buy a pallet of Mac n’ cheese at other wholeshare places, you can split orders so everyone doesn’t have to buy an entire case! The process is super simple actually.

Bottom line: Wholeshare is definitely worth checking.

To join a group, or start your own, or to just check out the insane amount of healthy, wholesome, natural food and products being offered at ridiculous prices, Click here!


Why I Will Not Be 'Freeing The Nipple' Anytime Soon

This past weekend, there was a #FreeTheNipple event held at a local park. The event was organized by a 17-year old female high school student. While I am beyond blown away that a high school student was able to organize a 400 person (topless) march to bring awareness to the campaign, I can't help but have a few concerns.

For the record, I am all for breastfeeding in public, equality and women empowerment. However, when it comes to running around with my shirt off to make that happen, I'm going to have to pass.

The following are my top 10 Reasons Why I Will Not Be 'Freeing The Nipple' anytime soon:

1. Pregnancy and childbirth turned my perfect little perky b-cups into droopy D-cups. I'm afraid if I don't keep a bra on, my boobs will beat my butt to my knees. And I so do not want that. Plus, in an effort to get myself in shape, I have been running and riding my bicycle. Without a bra, I'm fairly certain I will come home from my workout with two black eyes.

2. During my two-years of breastfeeding, I nursed in public a couple of times. And by 'public' I mean, I nursed in my car or a family room in a store. I never nursed on a park bench, not because I thought I would be shooed away, but because I didn't want to. Even if 50 woman were nursing next to me, I still wouldn't do it. I'm weird like that. But more power to the woman that does.

3. I'm married to an Australian. He was raised on beaches and parks with boobies. His free-to-air tv stations have full-frontal with no censorship or even warnings. I'm here to tell you, the man LOVES boobies. Loves them. Bottom line: 40 years of having boobs shoved in his face did NOTHING to desensitize him from wanting to motorboat mine 24/7.

4. On the flip side, I was raised with men not wearing shirts, but that still doesn't stop me from drooling all over my sexy husband's chest. There must be some inherent thing inside of us that makes us attracted to the chest, male or female.

5. Hell yes, I want to raise a daughter in a fair empowering environment. However, I'm not sure that I would want her running around topless. The world is just too jam packed with pedophiles and assholes to make that safe.

Event Organizer: 17 year-old Nan Elpers led a 400 person topless march down a busy street in Louisville, KY.  She used Facebook to organize the event. 
Credit: WDRB Fox41

6. I have enough trouble with men talking to my boobies, I can't imagine I will ever have a conversation with eye contact if I freed my nipples. I'm fairly certain desensitizing three existing generation from my breast is going to take many more years than I have left to live.

7. I admit, while in my twenties visiting a girlfriend in Spain, I laid out topless with her and her mother and a bunch of older women who have been doing it their entire life. The men and boys, who have been raised on the beach, still walked by and stared. Unlike the majority of men who's chests, for the most part, look the same, not all women's boobs are created equal or look the same. Even other women can't hep but stare some times.

8. I nursed my son for nearly 2 1/2 years, I am a HUGE advocate for it. I own a business, speak my mind and proudly vote. I understand it took strong women behind some fierce movements to make the later three possible. But I feel like breastfeeding sit-ins make more of an impact towards equality than young girls marching the streets topless. And fine, maybe having boobs shoved in your face all day every day would eventually desensitize people. But then what? We all walk around topless? Because I don't want to do that. And If I don't, then will I be less of a woman? Will I be considered back peddling?

9. Thanks to smartphones, every one has a camera and video recorder that is always rolling. I have no way of controlling what photos are taken of me. This goes for every young girl walking around topless. I can't help but wonder what would happen if a potential employer Googled their name and found a topless photo? I've read too many articles on women regretting posing nude and not being able to get the photos off the internet. It may seem like a great idea now, but later... not so much.

10.  Breastfeeding and going topless are two completely different things. Call me old fashioned and a shitty woman if you must, but I can only get behind the breastfeeding part of freeing the nipple. I can't support a movement that supports young girls walking the streets topless. It's just not safe.

Just like not every woman wants to nurse, every woman doesn't want to go topless. Plus, going topless is not illegal in most states, so if you want to do it, Do It. But please don't expect me to, or think of me as any less of woman for not supporting the cause and freeing my nipples, because it's just not going to happen.

What do you think? Free the nipple or not? It's OK, I know I'm going to get blasted for saying anything negative about a women's empowerment movement.

Crack-Me-Up Homemade Halloween Costumes You Probably Shouldn't Try At Home

While researching homemade family costumes, I found some of the funniest, most shocking and inappropriate costumes the internet has to offer. And of course, HAD to share them, but before we go any further, this post needs a WARNING:  

A few of these costumes are just plain Epic Fail OH-Hell-No-What-is-happening-to-this-world costumes. PLEASE DO NOT try most of these at home. (If you do, send me a photo and an address to where I can send the thank you card!)

Without further ado... It's about to get UGLY...

The Kids...

So, you are trying to tell me that, not only am I NOT going to be a princess...
I'm basically going to be a douche bag?

Mom, I think I need some pants. 


 This is not acceptable ADHD therapy.

Nothing says, Stop throwing your sister, quite like making her look like a football. 

Sweet mother of Mercy. 
I thought cloning was illegal?
I love this.

Poor kid, clearly his parents hate him.

I want to be friends with this kid's parents.

Mom? Dad?
I'm not so sure about this dumb ass costume.
Little red riding hood didn't have a mustache?
Did mom forget to pick up the costume from Target on her way home?
Clearance bread. Classic.  

The Parents...

And take your little friends with you.

Dude. Really?

So that's how Octomom does it...

Sponge Bob's lawyer called... 
You are in big trouble when the Cops, Crimes against Cartoons and CPS are finished with you.

The only thing I am sure of right now is that it's holding a beer.

That's one way to show the kids where babies come from.
 Good luck paying the therapist bills.

And 'Father of the Year' goes to...
Not this guy.
Surely there is a good explanation for this. 
Um. Well.
I guess this dad can have the award.
His kid is covered up, and so is he.

Ok, this is actually genius.
As long as they are not the beginning of the Zombie Apocalypse.

No explanation will do.

What is your family dressing up as this year?

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