Toddler Code Of Conduct: Ridiculous Mantras 3-Year Olds Live By

That's right, it's time for a new round of The Toddler Code Of Conduct!

Since turning three, the wild-child has kicked it up a few more notches. The biggest change in his toddler conduct from age two to three is a massive push towards INDEPENDENCE. Thanks to trading war stories with numerous parents with a three-year-old toddler, I realize I'm not alone. Three year olds are little wild terrors who have a point to prove; Their Independence from you!

The following 17 things appear to be hardwired into three-year-olds. Think: Mantras, rules, evolution, whatever it is, these little maniacs make sure their parents never have a dull day.

So without further ado, The Three Year Old Code Of Conduct. a.k.a 17 ridiculous things that appear to be hardwired into three-year-old toddlers...

1. When handed a beverage, first take off the lid, take a small sip, dig out a few pieces of ice, and then dump the cup in your lap. Extra points awarded for splashing surrounding area.

2. Stickers are solid gold. Display them EVERYWHERE including, but not limited to, the car window, back of the seat in front of you, your head, hand, leg, the cat, mommy's butt, daddy's shoes, the walls, food, hair... if it will stick to it, then stick it!

3. Pants, shirts and shoes combined make a triple threat. NEVER succumb to wearing all three without a fight.

4. At all times, stay focused on your purpose in life, The dirtier, the better. The dirtier you can get and make things, proves you mean business.

5. Never say yes the first time. All questions must be answered with, NO!  Except, when offered cakes, candy or ice cream.

6. DO NOT Sleep in your bed the entire night. It's just plain dumbassery that you should be expected to sleep alone.

7. Your turds are huge now, poop in the toilet. Let them potty train you. Besides, all of your friends have awesome superhero underwear, and you know you want superhero underwear too.

8. When released from your car seat, dart to the front seat and honk the horn. One hundred times. 

9. Refuse to eat food that has been broken, opened wrong, or God forbid, cut wrong.

10. Whenever possible, help mom clean the house by dipping a mop, sponge or washcloth into the toilet first and then wipe EVERYTHING YOU CAN.

11. Candy is the greatest thing on earth. DEMAND it. Then once you have it, carry it around until everything is sticky--including, but not limited to, you, the walls, your toys, mommy's clothes, Daddy's computer, the dogs face--and then eat it. Remember, the milk chocolate does melt in your hands, and that's really cool.

12. Act like an angel when in the care of others. Not so much because it's the right thing to do, but because it screws with your parents who expect to hear horror stories. Plus, when they complain about your behavior, no one will possibly believe, you, the perfect little angel, is capable of being THAT naughty!

13. Insist on doing EVERYTHING yourself, with the exception of wiping your own ass. Ain't nobody got time for that! Except mommy and daddy. They love it.

14. Embarrass your parents every chance you get. Meltdowns, name-calling, fake crying and ignoring them in public are always winners.

15. Never say 'mommy' or 'daddy' just once. Say their name repeatedly until you get the answer or attention you want. Think: No less than twenty times. A good rule of thumb is to shoot for a saying 'Mommy' at least a million times a day.

16.  Naps are as dumb as broken cookies. Fight them accordingly. Besides you're three, you don't need no stinking nap!

17. Bedtime is your last chance to play for the day, make the most of it.

What's your child doing that's driving you crazy?

April is an award-winning writer and blogger. Her work has been published in over ten countries and four languages. From books to newspapers, to print/online magazines and everything in between, you can find her work. For more on April, Visit