5/24/17

UNITED Is The Only Way We Will Stand #EnoughIsEnough








To The Reader, As you may or may not know, when there's a terrorist attack, I don't say a thing.  (Unless I'm being paid money to write an article for a pub. Please hire me!)  I'm always so horrified and angry, I'm afraid I'll go too far in the heat of the moment and write something so unpoliticallyfuckingcorrect, I'll be damned to social media hell with Matthew Weinerdog.

Plus, this is a humor blog about life's trials and tribulations. People come here to laugh and take a moment away from their own hectic life. If you want the news, you go to the news. You want to laugh, this is the spot.

HOWEVER, the Manchester Arena Attack, after the Arianna Grande Concert, that essentially targeted children, was so far out of bounds, I have to say something. Those fuckers have gone way too far. Watch out, here I go. I apologize now for the language and God know's what else will pour out...  -April


With the constant terrorist attacks around the world, I can't help but think, Terrorism, IS the face of World War III. 

I also can't help but think, if there's any hope for the next generation, this generation has to step up. There needs to be more focus on community and restoring faith in humanity. We're all fighting the same fight. Terrorist have no bounds, lines, morals, religion, country...

Not to mention, it takes one fuckstick angry at the world to identify with those ISIS assholes, and off they go with a gun and shoot up a mall. 



Terrorist are EVERYWHERE! Some asshole is probably buying a semi-automatic weapon off the internet right now, with every intent killing innocent people and children. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!


While the military is fighting the large cells, we as a community, need to make our neighborhoods safe. It's time to create communities of compassion, strength, and honesty. It's time to check on the elderly and spend time with your family.

It's time to protect our children by any means possible.

Well, when I say any means, I don't mean vigilante asshole style. Quite the opposite. We live in a different age from our parents, it's time to adapt. It's time to fight for stricter gun laws. Let down your fear of invasion of privacy, and let the metal detectors go up in schools, malls and movie theaters. Until this madness subsides, if it does at all. There are too many unmedicated narcissistic psychopaths running around, WITH a license to carry a concealed weapon, INTO WALMART! 

I'm not saying these guys are, unmedicated narcissistic psychopaths running around WITH a license to carry a concealed weapon, INTO WALMART! Just using two dudes in a WALMART with guns for the fuck of it. No, because they have a small peepee, to protect themselves, from the crazy old dude with the funny pants in line.

Even though some days it's hard to believe, the majority of the world is made up of kind humans. If we can reach out our hands to each other and protect our communities, then there's hope. Work as a community to tighten laws in your area. Your State has power and so does your voice, make a change in your community, then state. Not only can it be done, but WE CAN also DO IT! 


You really want to make America great again? Go meet your neighbor and change with the times. Stand up and demand better laws that protect citizens, not the deep pockets of the NRA.

If nothing else, with so many hurting and mourning all over the world, just if only for today, please smile at your neighbor. 

Please, be kind to a stranger. 

DON'T walk around suspicious of every person you pass because of their religion, race, sexual orientation, or whatever, be kind to them and your heart. Love feels really good. I promise that smile will feel just as good to you as it did to the stranger... who may not see another smile today.

Thank a cop. They put their life on the line every day to protect yours.







I beg you, citizens of the world, come out of the shadows and shine a beautiful light from within. We've stood idly too long. This fight is on our home turf, please, let's protect our community, the children and ourselves before it's too late. 


Stand with me as I stand with Manchester and every other community bearing the pain and scars of terrorism. 



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5/22/17

Want Calmer, Well-Rounded Grounded Kids? DO THIS

**Today, I'm partnering with, The Stillness Project.  to share the benefits and documented facts about children who meditate. All opinions are my own.




So you want to keep your kids calmer and grounded? Who frigging doesn't?

I would give anything to keep my son quiet, calm, out of trouble, and doing something productive, even just 75% of the time!

Thankfully, I have the answer.

Wait for it...

Meditation.

Seriously. You may have read about the Baltimore school, Robert W. Coleman Elementary, and the School's meditation room. The children are taught to refocus their negative energy into something positive. It's AMAZING! 


One boy, after being sent to the meditation room, instead of the principles office for his out of control behavior, said, "I did some deep breathing, had a little snack, and I got myself together," the boy recalled. "Then I apologized to my class."

Wow. Just, Wow!




WAIT! Before you go thinking, I can't meditate, how in the hell am I going to get my kids to meditate? I have the answer for that as well.

It gives me great pleasure to introduce a WORLD'S FIRST, meditation program for adolescents, created by a global meditation expert and father of two teens, Tom Cronin. Tom, was not only saved from his own personal issues through meditation but also helped his sons too. Seeing the effects of meditation on his family, he created the program, Meditation for teens.



The purpose is to deliver deeply relaxing meditation programs to teenagers and schools. While the program is a first, and about time, studies have been around for years showing the effects of meditation on children. Which, is why schools all over the world have implemented meditation in the classroom. Tom's program is being utilized in the classroom throughout Europe and Australia and is gaining steam in the United States!



Meditation is not only amazing, but it's also ESSENTIAL! It's like giving your mind, body and spirit the best, most relaxing massage.  Which, is why you hear about so many A-List celebrities meditating two or more times a day like, Miranda Kerr.  It took some practice, but I meditate twice a day, morning and night. Without fail. The effect is amazing!



So what does all this mean for your Child or Teenager? THE SAME THING!

I truly believe this program works because of Tom's understanding of effective meditation and easy techniques ANYONE CAN FOLLOW!

Each day, for 14 days, the Chill Out Meditation member will receive an email with a video instruction on how to meditate using an ancient and powerful practice. It's under $5 a month too!





Meditation WILL change your child's life, please, take a moment to read more about, The Stillness Project.



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5/19/17

Oh How Foolish I Was... I'm totally, THAT Mom.



Before being a mother, I had all of these grand ideas of motherhood. Most of all, I knew I was going to be amazing, and so was my child.

Allow me to delight you to some of my silly brilliant ideas:

1. I was going to be so attentive to my child; he would never cry, want for anything or act out.
2. My child would never, ever eat fast food.
3. My child would not watch TV before two.
4. My chid would not play on a smartphone, tablet or video game console until he was, at least, ten years old.
5. I was going to stick to the 'routine' like glue, so my child would always be well adjusted and easy to get to sleep.
6. I was going to be the best school-mom ever. Including attending classroom parties, field trips, and PTO meetings.
7. I would never use foul language or fight with my husband in front of my child.

Ok, I'm going to stop now, because surely you get the picture. I had this insane preconceived notion of what the "perfect mother" is, and how I was sure I would be her.

Ha! I can sum those grand ideas up in three words.

Ignorance. Is. Bliss.

Now that I am a mother, I realize all of those grand ideas were, well, crazy. Especially, for me.

I'm just not that kind of mother.

In fact, I'm not sure any mother is? Is it possible to never screw up, or always stick to the routine? Or ONLY feed your child all-natural organic foods, and still be active and on-the-go? And that whole classroom mom and PTO stuff is not for me.

Not yet anyway.

And showing up for carpool 45-minutes early so my kid can be picked up first? Yeah, that's never going to happen!

I tried to make a super-awesome Valentines box but stopped when my son decided his Star Wars Lunchbox looked like a better option.  Which, was the truth, my homemade valentines box was turning into a shit-box.

Even my son knows I'm just not that kind of mother. And thankfully, he's cool with it.

My little guy could give a crap if I picked him up first after school. (I asked him!) He LOVES when we have to grab a meal on-the-go at a fast food place. He thinks bedtime is for the birds, so when we miss his regularly scheduled bedtime for a family night out, he's all for it. The tablet is a win-win for both of since he can play one of his favorite learning games while I have a quiet minute to think or get something done. (I caved to technology, but only under the pretense that only can access educational apps.)

The truth is, I don't even know what kind of mother I am. I know I love my son with all of my heart, would do anything in the world for him, and above all, I try to be the best mother I know how to be. I also always try to follow my heart and instincts; Even when they go against my silly pre-mother ideas.

If having a quiet, well-behaved child means crushing my lovely child's spirit by constantly staying on him, then forget it. If being the perfect mother requires strictly sticking to a routine, wasting 45-minutes sitting in my car to pick my child up first, and spending an entire months' salary on organic meals, then forget it.

 I'm just not that kind of mother.

If you too are fighting your heart and instincts to reach an idea about motherhood, stop. If you are trying to be a certain kind of mom to please society or your mother, STOP!


Be true to yourself, love your child and do your very best, because I've come to realize, that's the secret to being the best kind of mother.






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5/16/17

10 Parenting Things I Swore I'd Never Do...

For today's Top 10 Tuesday, I thought I would share some of my stellar parenting moments...

I miss the days when I was a perfect mother with a perfect child... you know, when I was childless and still swimming in self-righteous parenting ignorance. I'm pretty sure the saying, "Never say never.", came from parents saying it to non-parents. So far, almost all of my pre-parent, I will nevers... I have done. Here are 10 of my top "Nevers" that I do and say on a regular basis...

1. I will never let my kid do that in public!  Run through the store; have a meltdown; make a huge mess; talk back... All. the. time.



2. I will never say all of the stupid things my mom said to me!  I say it all, daily... "Don't make me turn this car around!" "You can sit there all night until you eat your veggies!" "Do you want something to cry about?" <---- I thought that was the all time stupidest thing my mom ever said!  I WAS crying, clearly I HAD something to cry about!  Now that I'm a mom... yeah, the shit kids cry about... now that's stupid!
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5/15/17

The Parent's Guide To Buying The Perfect Violin

The Parent's Guide To Buying The Perfect Violin
I would love love love it if my son played a musical instrument, and not only because he's beaten my pots and pans to death over the past three years. The research is everywhere, music and musical instruments WILL enhance a child's life, mind, body and soul!

A 2016 study at the University of Southern California’s Brain and Creativity Institute shows musical experiences in childhood accelerate brain development, particularly in the areas of language acquisition and reading skills. According to the National Association of Music Merchants Foundation (NAMM Foundation), learning to play an instrument can improve mathematical learning and even increase SAT scores. 

Since so many children start on recorders, and eventually graduate to a violin or other string instruments, I wanted to share the fantastic infographic, The Parent's Guide To Buying The Perfect Violin, created by the Fiddlershop. (Dear parent with the drummer and sax player, sorry. Earplugs will be your fried until he gets it down!)


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5/10/17

17 Life Hacks For Mothers. Happy Mother's Day!





I love life hacks. Anything that makes my life easier is awesome in my book. These are my favorite this week. Because, I'm always on the hunt for the best life-hacks. Below are 17 I thought I'd share  in honor of Mother's Day.  After all, parents need all the life hacks they can get!


















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Because Mommies And Daddies Have Bad Days Too

You know that morning when you wake up, and the very last thing you want to do is get out of bed? But, you do anyway. Because the kids are hungry, lunches have to be made, kids dressed and somewhere in between, you have to get ready for your day too.

So you drag your tired ass out of bed and go to the kitchen on autopilot. You immediately start your coffee. Because you know, if you don't get that into your body in the next two minutes, it's possible someone could die.




While waiting for the coffee to brew, you turn to the child who is "starving" and start playing the, what do you want for breakfast? game.

Kid: Cake?

You: Sure.

You don't care. It's food, and you want the child to go away so you can drink your coffee and start your day. After all, it's clearly going to be a challenging morning, so you have to do whatever it takes to make it through. Including letting your child have cake for breakfast.

You turn around just in time to realize that the coffee is brewing and you've failed to get the coffee mug under the brewing spout. You laugh out loud in disbelief, then scramble to throw the cup under the coffee maker and begin cleaning up the hot coffee spilling out everywhere. Eventually, it makes its way to the edge of the counter and drips down onto your foot, burning you.

The second the coffee is cleaned up, your husband walks in, looking for coffee and answers as to why your child is having cake for breakfast. Thankfully, the look in your eye is all it takes to answer his questions, and make him go away without another word. (Read: Scared for his life)

You begin making lunches and realize there's no more bread.


                      

At this point, you're trying to figure out how you can get back in bed and have a restart.

The rest of the morning plays out like a horrible experience. You're short with your child, you're short with your husband, lunches are whatever you can find to somehow be enough nutrition to sustain your family through the day, and The song "Isn't Ironic" is looping in your head. Eventually, you feel a headache coming on.

And then finally, somewhere around mid-morning, you fully wake up enough to shake off the morning from hell. Then it hits you like a ton of bricks, guilt.

You start thinking: What a crap morning! I'm a terrible mother...  I'm a terrible wife...

Then you spend the rest of the morning feeling terrible. The only thing you can do is promise to devote your life to being the best mother and wife in the whole wide world.

When you pick your child up from school, all you want to do is hug him and tell him how much you love him. After all, surely he is still traumatized from your bad morning.

 He climbs in the car, happy as can be to see you, says he loves you too and start telling you about his wonderful day.

He's not even phased by your bad morning. In fact, it's entirely possible the morning wasn't as bad as it felt, it's the mom guilt making it seem much worse.

#MommyFail

In case you're even questioning it, Yes, that was a complete recap of a recent morning I had.

I know bad mornings happen, but now that I'm a mother, they seem a thousand times worse. My pre-mommy days, I could usually shake off a bad morning without anyone noticing, but now that I'm a mother, I have a little guy depending on me every morning.

So why am I telling you this? Because my bad morning helped me have a huge mommy epiphany that I hope will help you too if you need it.

I realized that I am human and bad mornings happen. And the only thing that makes it a truly bad morning is me dwelling on it for way too long.

This realization has been huge for me. I like to think I'm growing as a mother and learning to accept that I can't constantly be "on," which, doesn't make me a bad mother. Striving for superhuman perfect mother standards is ridiculous. Bad days happen. Bad lunches happen. Bad bedtimes happen. Bad shit happens, parent or not. The sooner I get over it, move on and let it go, the better.  And that goes for just about everything!

The next time you have a bad morning or moment, don't beat yourself up. Everyone has bad days. Even mommies and daddies.






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5/7/17

How To Meditate Your Way To Peace and Calm #MondayMotivation




Ten years ago, a physical therapist recommended meditation as a way to heal and help with pain management after a car accident. So, I gave it a try. Many, many tries.

I've tried focusing on my Breath.

I've tried saying 'ONE' over and over again.

I've read the books.

I've tried guided meditation on my iPhone with an app.

I've tried everything, but my brain won't shut the Phuck up long enough for me to get the job done.

The trouble is, I have such a hard time quieting my anxiety brain long enough to reach the inner peace I hear so much about. I've also been pretty random about meditating. I try for a few weeks, and then I give up when I get frustrated.

Then, I get into a rut in my life where I'm desperate to try anything to find some inner peace, so I try meditating again.



After 10 years, I still haven't given up.

Why?

Because, I've managed to actually pull it off a few times, and just like everyone said, it was amazing.


Between the testimonials and my experience, I will try to conquer meditation for the rest of my life if I have to. There really is something to it, and being that I've declared 2016 the year I push negativity out of my life and fill it with positivity, I'm making meditation a priority. The spiritual and scientific proof is too overwhelming not to.




MANTRA:  I will learn to meditate in 2017



I'd love to know if you meditate, How you do it? Have you been meditating for a long time, do you love it? Are you new to meditation? Are you having the same problems that I am?

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5/5/17

This 3-Day Kitchen Makeover Will Inspire You (Before + After Photos)




I have spent countless hours working on home renovation projects. The hallway stair job took three or four weeks, the small little hallway took two weeks. Everything has been labor intensive and taken days to complete.

Then I painted my kitchen.

In three days.

It was hands-down the easiest renovation project I have done to date. And my mind is absolutely melting over the fact that it is the biggest, best, most amazing, feel-good Home Renovation transformation yet.

I just can't get over it. It has been the most amazing process redoing my kitchen.

All I did was paint the cabinets and change the hardware. That's it. But it, somehow, changed everything! The way I feel about my kitchen. The way it looks. The size of it. Everything. 

If you follow me on Instagram, then you know, I painted the corner of my kitchen first. Not only did I fall in love instantly, the Aussie did too! He looked at me and said, It looks good! Go ahead, paint the bloody kitchen. 

Then I said, well... I kind of wanted to try something...

I saw a kitchen on Pinterest that was half gray and half white. I loved it. And, had to try it.



Only, I had a gallon of blue-silver-grey paint on hand.



Over the next three days, I took every door and drawer off and painted and painted. Then, painted some more. When it got dark, I moved the party inside. I was determined to finish over the weekend. I also left everything in the cupboards. I just the contents of each shelf as far back as I could.




Thanks to free one-day Amazon Prime delivery, I was able to order 50 cabinet knobs (2 packs of 25) for $47, and have them at my door Saturday afternoon.

                                                               
I couldn't believe how well everything came together.

Then, while at Target in between coats of paint, I nearly died when the most perfect rugs were on clearance for under $10.  I bought 2! They are puuuuuuurrrrrrrrrfect!


NOTE: You may notice a different floor from the before photo. That photo was taken the day we first saw the house. The floor was thought to be asbestos, so we did the most environmentally friendly thing possible, cover it.
My mom walked in and gasped. Then said, This isn't even the same kitchen. It's like it's brand new! 

That's exactly how I felt. It's this new fun space with endless possibilities. It took me two years, but now I love and embrace my little kitchen. Most of all, I love that I took a chance on the two colors. While, I am not too sure about it, every time I look at my kitchen, my heart smiles.



I'm not bothered by the horrible countertops or being closed in. For the first time in two years, I love my kitchen! And all it took was a weekend, three coats of paint and the balls to try something different.

I cannot recommend enough doing this if you hate your kitchen. Take the leap, it is SO worth it!


For Kitchen updates and behind the scenes shenanigans, follow me on your favorite social media channel, Twitter | FacebookPinterest | Instagram | YouTube | Google+ 


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