My Marital Bliss- Man Parts And How They Work

Oh That FTD!  Sometimes he makes me so mad that I don't know if I want to shave my legs with his razor, or hide all of his favorite things in the one place he has NEVER looked, in the back of the refrigerator. Most days I just try to have patience with him since I understand where he came from... Ah Marital Bliss....

What has me going today is, sometimes my wonderful husband doesn't seem to hear everything that is told to him. Yesterday, FTD came home with a strange story about a coworker, who also doubles as a good friend of mine. When the story took a few wild turns I thought something, or really everything, important was missing from his story, so I called her. Sure enough, he had only listened to/processed about 20% of the words that came out of her mouth, and then filled in the blanks with his own story. Basically, FTD was bored with the story so he created one that was way better to him. 

Once she was finished telling me the story, we both had quite a laugh over how far off FTD was. We began to trade stories about our husbands, and realized that they were very similar creatures with very similar parts, MAN PARTS. Man Parts are the parts of the male body that look similar to the woman's, but operate vastly different.

Allow me to explain...

(FTD if you are reading this, consider this post me having you figured out, and possibly a little retaliation for your, 'My Marital Bliss', post.)


Man Ears- Mainly for decoration, but periodically allow sound to make it's way in. However, when the sound makes it's way in, it is normally broken up. Meaning, only bits and pieces make it through, leaving the Man Brain to fill in the blanks, which nine times out of ten is very dangerous.

I say: Honey, we are having dinner with the neighbors on Saturday.

FTD Hears: Buy beer on the way home from work on Friday.  Lots of it.  

Man Eyes- Equipped with incredible filters that only allow "Important" things to be seen.

For Example:

ME: FTD, this house is a mess, please help me pick up Ollie's toys.

FTD: What Toys? The house looks fine?

Somehow all he sees is the floor underneath the toys.
Amazing, really. 

Man Nose: 100% for decoration.



FTD: What Smell?

Man Mouth: Works on a 90/10 principle-- 90% of the time food should be going in; the other 10% should be words coming out.

Man Feet: Purely to get him from point A to B. They can look as rough and lizard like as possible, all that matters is that they work. Also, man feet are good for providing hours of fun in the form of loudly and annoyingly picking at.

Last... And most certainly least....

Man Brain: Like Man Eyes and Ears, it is equipped with incredible filters that process information, and then react to that information in such a way that modern science is still completely baffled by. Things are clearly going in, but... but...  There really is no understanding or explanation to fully grasp the phenomenon going on here. So far this is science's best guess...

Ladies, did I miss something? Men, can you provide evidence that any of the observations are incorrect?


Daycare- The 3rd Time IS NOT a Charm...

So as most of you know, I have put Ollie in a Mommy's day out daycare program two days a week! (If this is news to you, then start here on the post, I Left My Baby With Strangers. It Was For The Best...) As you may also know, I cannot shut up about how awesome it has been for both Ollie and I.  I get time to do my thing, while he plays with kids and does his thing... WHOO HOO!!! I love it... too bad on day three Ollie decided it was not so awesome anymore, and was over it. And by 'over it,' I mean WICKED meltdown...    

And that would be what my kid thinks of daycare.
I was warned from the very beginning that even though Ollie was loving daycare on day one and then again on day two, all of that could completely change by day three. In fact, history showed day three to be the regular melt down day for most kids starting daycare. I just smiled while the director was saying this, but internally thinking, "Yeah right. Have you seen how happy my kid is here? He loves this daycare shit! We are going to be just fine..."  

My friends, I am a mother of a 2-year-old toddler. You would think by now I would know to listen to the more experienced mother/childcare professional/anyone with sense when talking about children...  Nope. Still not there yet...

SURPRISE!!  She was right.  Ollie lost his toddler mind on the third day. 


The morning of the meltdown I took him to 'school', talking it up the whole way.  I was doing my best to get him as stoked about him going as I was. By the time we got there he was excited to get out of the car and go in! I walked him back to his class, took off his coat and kissed him good bye. When I stood up to leave he held on to me like never before; Pulling at me to pick him up, screaming and crying... it was AWFUL! The teacher helped to peel him off me, while she instructed me to tell him I would be back, give him one more kiss and say bye bye. I did as I was told, and as I turned to walk away from my screaming child, I felt like the worst parent in the world. Every part of me was dying inside. I Wanted to turn around and grab my child and run.  Did I say Awful?  I meant what ever is one hundred times worse than awful.  

I stood in the hall listening to my son scream, my heart break, and the director promising me that this was for the best, and that in two minutes he would be fine. I nodded, blinked, tried to believe her...

I know in my heart that Ollie going to this play/learning group twice a week for a few hours is so good for him. The program offers stimulation this I cannot. From the interaction with the other kids, to the arts and crafts, to the toys and massive indoor play room complete with slides and cars to drive around... Ollie needs this stimulation. Not to mention, after two years of being a 100% full-time stay-at-home-mom, I need this time too.

After five minutes of him screaming and crying I could not take it anymore! The director and I agreed that I should take him home, before he was completely traumatized. We also agreed that maybe a little more might be going on... like an illness or something. I admitted Ollie had a bad sleep the night before, and was tired... I was grasping for a reason other than he just plain all of the sudden hated being there.  

Bottom line. We left. But not before I promised that this was not our last time there, and that we would be back for the next session in two days.

It was so sad walking away from his bare cubby...
I have to admit, I was disappointed that it went so horribly, and was worried that we really may not be back, or at least not to stay...

When the morning rolled around for our next 'Day Out', I had low expectations. I was encouraged that he had a great sleep, and was in good spirits, but still, he could flip at anytime.  As we pulled up to the church he was excited and happy. We got out of the car, walked inside and immediately he got down to got to his classroom yelling, "choo choo!" I followed him in, took off his coat and kissed him good bye. Again, he started clinging, screaming and yelling, "NO Mommy!"


Again they peeled him off of me, and I left... Again I stood in the hall dying inside.  Except, after two minutes he had calmed down.  He was still saying mommy, but not hysterically.  The director came out into the hall and told me to go ahead and go, and that she would call me if he lost his mind. We also agreed that I would come back in an hour to get him so he could learn to trust both them to be OK people, and me to come back for him. I left, feeling like a horrible mother, all while reminding myself how good the interaction was for him.  

When the hour was up, I went back for him and was told all went well.  He danced and sang during music time and painted me a picture during craft time!  Amazing what they accomplished in an hour. But then again, they are dealing with the attention span of a two-year-old. a.k.a. the attention span of a blowfly.

I cannot begin to tell you how happy I was that he made it through. I was so proud of him for calming down and participating in the activities. I know in my heart that this day out program is wonderful for both of us, however, getting Ollie to believe that is going to be a little harder than I thought. Ahhh the joys of parenting... 

FYI:  The director told me that is most always the third trip to daycare when the kid loses it.  The excitement of the new toys and kids to play with has worn off, and the understanding that mom/dad will leave them there has set in. She also said it could take a few weeks for the child to adjust. The best you can do is be encouraging and upbeat about the whole process. It's also important that you  trust the people you are leaving your child with are going to do everything they can to make your child comfortable and happy while you are away. 


21 Things We Learned From Our Mother... #HILARIOUS

I came across this a few days ago and knew I had to share it.  I wish I knew who wrote it so I could thank and credit them, because this is SO funny and SO true!!  
Here are 21 things we learned from our mother... 

Funny how when we were learning these things they were not nearly as funny.  
Thanks, Mom!  
Love you.

Wanna see the complete top 25 list, and throw a vote my way? 
PLEASE!!! Click HERE or the image below!

POLAR VORTEX? Let's Just Pretend This Winter Didn't Happen...

As I sit here freezing my toes and nose off, I am looking outside at a beautiful sunny day.  It's like a mirage of water in the desert, I swear I can see something beautiful and wonderful until I get right up to it and realize it's too cold to enjoy.  Over the past three weeks, I have seen -25-degree wind chills... I LIVE IN THE SOUTH!?!?!?!   In fact, it is snowing in Atlanta today. ATLANTA!  Cray-Cray!!!

Sometimes I pretend that it is actually really warm and wonderful outside, in hopes that I will feel warm and wonderful on the inside. Not. So. Much.  I hate the winter. I hate the cold. And I hate feeling like a stuffed pig when I get into my car with my super puffy full-length coat and snow boots. So the fact that a Polar Vortex with its ass-biting bitter cold temperatures has taken over the winter, I am going stir crazy. I keep telling FTD that I have officially had it with winter, and no longer want to live anywhere where the temps fall below my age. And since I am 35, and it's 14 degrees outside... #FAIL #EPIC FAIL!
Sorry, Dude. No car for you... for a long long time...
I don't know about you, but sometimes I lose my mind and turn the heat WAY up.  I mean 80-degrees way up. Just so I can walk around in shorts and t-shirt, and not have that constant back ache that comes with the frigid winter.  One of my friends who works at the super cute Fibi & Clo shoes was telling me how she does the same and wears sandals too! I had to laugh. I am not the only person who jacks up the heat to feel normal again!  I say 'normal,' because there is absolutely nothing I ever want to feel 'normal' about freezing my nose and toes off. YUCK!

And don't even get me started on what I have to go through to get the wild-child ready to go outside!  At one point I declared that since it takes me 25-minutes to chase him around, catch him, hold him down and layer on the jacket, mittens, hat, and scarf, I am going to count it as a workout.  I mean, by the time I have him ready to go outside I am so hot and sweaty from the fight and struggle, I might as well call it Cardio!

I miss having a warm nose and toes.  I miss mani/pedis and patio liquid lunches. I miss sun dresses and sun bathing.  Dammit, I just miss the warm weather and everything that goes along with it!  Thankfully, I am already seeing the spring/summer lines being featured in magazines and coming out in my favorite stores. This always signals the end is near.  I refer to this at the spring light at the end of the dark winter tunnel.  I need to see this light, especially before the darkness of February closes in on me.

I have this wonderful friend who rarely takes any crap from me.  I complain she tells me to get over myself.  I cry about something ridiculous, she tells me to grow up. Thankfully, when it comes to the cold, she knows I cannot handle it.  So when I told her I was sure I was just going to die from the winter weather blahs in February, she said...

Well...Find something to be happy about in February. Like I don't know...HOW BOUT IT'S THE MONTH YOUR GREATEST GIFT WAS BORN!! Or how about it's the shortest month? Or how about it's Great American Pie month? For do grouch a favor day.  For pistol patent day. There are all kinds of shit that makes Feb awesome!  

She is right, I need to let go of my obsession with hating the cold and February, and look forward to the bright side.  I am going to survive this winter! I have got to keep in mind that the cold weather will blow away, allowing the warm, beautiful spring air to take over.  My heavy winter coat will be replaced by a pretty flowing sundress, and my nasty stomping winter boots will be replaced my super cute strappy sandals.

Yes, this cold nasty winter too shall pass... And tulips, dresses, and sandals will make life better in an instant!

So, what about you?  Do you love/hate the cold?  


Alright. It's Time To Come Clean...

Some days I think it's laughable that I am a mommy blogger.  I still cannot get my head around it. When it comes to parenting, I don't know what the hell I am doing. Sure, now that I am the mother of a near two-year-old, I can tell you what to expect the first six weeks, but when it comes to parenting a toddler, I don't have a damn clue what I am doing! I am not full of great tips, I am full of great lessons learned on what not to do! I feel like I need to put a disclaimer at the top of my blog that says, I have no clue what I am doing when it comes to parenting, so... proceed with caution.  

I just feel like such a fraud being a mommy blogger. Aren't they supposed to be full of great tips and recipes? My idea of cooking almost always involves a roll of aluminum foil and two dishes to clean at the most. So when Parenting.com named me a Top 10 Mommy Blogger of 2013, I kept asking, "Are you sure? Have you read my blog?!" I just still do not see how... 

From one post to the next, I am all about HOLY CRAP!  My Kid just did that? How? I spend more time amazed by what a my child is capable of.  And now that he can talk... HAHAHAHAHA!  I spend most of my days either laughing at him, or shaking my head at him.  It's a wonder that I have not bitten my tongue off from trying not to laugh at his ridiculousness. And for that matter, it's a wonder he has not laughed himself into a coma from me being his mother...

Mission Accomplished

While chatting on Twitter to a long time reader and friend, we came up with the first-time parenting mantra, "We can do this shit! Hard as hell, but we can do it!" That's the truth of it! Parenting is hard as shit, but somehow we, I, stumble through each day. I am a huge fan of the 'Do What You Gotta Do' method of parenting, and not obsessing on raising my child under a strict and structured household. In fact, here are a few atrocious things I let my son do this weekend that no doubt a true child-rearing professional would shake their head at...

1. Graze like cattle. I have a bowl of grapes in the refrigerator for my kid to eat whenever he wants, and when he asks for a snack, I give it to him. By dinner on Saturday he barely ate. Surely, that is bad, but I did it. No apologies.

2. Run into the living room and fly onto the couch. Sometimes I even chase him so he gets going really fast and takes a flying leap. He loves it, and so do I. Yes, in my house, sometimes the furniture is for jumping.

3. Rather than make my under two toddler sit in the shopping cart at Costco, I let him push that shit. 

4. Both breakfast and lunch were spent in front of Micky Mouse Club House this weekend, while FTD and I sorted through his toys for charity. That's right, I let the TV babysit my kid.

5. I cannot think of a number five right now, but I know there is one. I bet there are 20 things I did 'wrong,' but as far as I am concerned, they were right for me and my kid at the time.

Everyday I feed, clothe, bathe and love the shit out of my kid, and accept that everything in between is a constant circus of laughs, setting limits and learning lessons for both of us.  I am clueless and constantly second guessing my parenting.  I knowingly do stuff that I know is wrong, like the TV watching and the grazing, but dammit I have to chose my battles.

Bottom Line: If you are a less than perfect parent looking for affirmation, you have come to the right place. If you are just as scared and confused as I am and need to know you are not the only one, then you have come to the right place. If your kid is constantly testing the crap out of you, and you need to know your kid is not the only one, then you have come to the right place. Conversely, if you are looking for sound profession tips on parenting from someone who has their shit together and knows for sure what they are doing, then you most certainly have not come to the right place. I'm the other kind of mommy blogger.


Mommy? Who? Oh Her... I'm Busy...

As some of you read last week in the post, I Left My Baby With Strangers. It Was For The Best..., I started Ollie in a Mommy's Day Out program where I drop him off at this super sweet church for a few hours to play and learn, while I actually get stuff done. Today was day two. His second time. His, should-have-been-a-little-scary, day two. His SAY-GOOD-BYE-TO-MOMMY-FOR-CRIPES-SAKE, day two. Nope. It was his LATER HATERS, day two of Mommy's day out.

What am I blabbering on about you ask? Ollie could not get away from me fast enough today. Here is what happened...

I pulled into the parking lot to drop him off at 'school', but was quickly waved to pull right up to the door since the ground was completely covered in ice. As I pulled up to the door, a woman I had never met before and the director of the MDO Program were waiting to greet us. To my complete shock the woman opened the back door of the car to get Ollie. I was like HOLD UP!  He doesn't know you, he will not go with you.  I went to get out of the car, and before I could open the door, there she was, holding my baby while he tried to shove the pretzel rod he was eating into her mouth.  Wait. What? What about Mommy? WHAT THE HELL?

I walked around the car to grab Ollie to carry him inside, but the stranger nice lady said, "No, just give him a kiss and tell him bye bye." I don't know what it is about these women at this church, but I just shut up and do as I am told. I gave him kisses said good bye, and then stood there stunned as she walked into the church with Ollie. He had this look of what is going on, but did not cry or protest. I got back in the car. But did not move. I was in shock! My baby just went off with a stranger! No tears or protest?  WHAT THE HELL?

She must have seen me out there, because a couple of minutes later she returned to let me know he didn't shed a tear and was already happily playing. By this point I was already on the phone whining to FTD, "HE LEFT ME!  Just went off with her... OMG!  Am I terrible mom? He just left..." FTD assured me that I did not suck, and that Ollie loved me more than the stranger. I just could not believe after two solid years with me, he just hauled ass into another woman's arms!  WHAT THE HELL?

Still in complete shock in denial, two hours later I called to check on him. I got a great report filled with how he was such a great little guy, no tears had been shed, and currently he was happily having snack/lunch time. I told the director I was running to the farmer's market, then would be by to get him in 45 minutes.  Since this is still new, I was worried the full 4 hours would be too much for him.

Once at the church for pick-up, I opened the doors to the daycare and my whole body filled with excitement.  I could not wait to see him, and for him to see me. I had this image of him seeing me, giving me this big smile, yelling out mommy!!, then running over to me, where I would scoop him up and spin him around. It was going to be a beautiful movie style MOMent!

As I turned the corner and laid eyes on him I could barely wait to hug him.  He looked up at me... smiled... and went back to playing...  But... I'm here, it's me... mommy... But, my Movie MOMent?WHAT THE FU#KING HELL??????

You all, that kid had no desire to leave! As far as he was concerned, he was playing, and I was there screwing that up.  He was hard at play on the Thomas table driving trains, and compared to that I was chopped liver meatloaf and could piss off. His teacher could tell I was crestfallen. She assured me that he was such a smart and amazing boy, and that the fact that he is saying complete sentences and singing songs shows what a great mom I am... Blah blah blah.  Screw that! I want my goddamned movie moment!

After a few minutes he decided that he was finished playing and would come home with me... I bundled him up in his jacket and gloves, had him say bye bye to the teacher and the other three kids in his class, and we turned to leave.  Before we took our first step his teacher said, "Oh Wait!  I almost forgot, Ollie's Penguin."  You all... I nearly cried, it was my son's first piece of art.  I took the penguin from the teacher, and felt my sentimental movie moment after all... I was so proud... SO. Proud! My baby made this!

Moral of the story:  If you are a SAHM/D and are thinking about a one or two day parents day out, DO IT!  Ollie LOVES it, has new friends, gets to run wild, and makes art! This is such a huge thing for both of us.  I have no doubt it will be for you too... Yes, you will probably cry, and feel a terrible detachment anxiety at first, but it's SO worth it! 

Second moral of the story:  I need to work with the wild-child on understanding STRANGER DANGER! 


There Is Only One Thing Worse Than A Sick Child...

The first-time mother of that sick child.

To general?  Fine. There Is Only One Thing Worse Than A Sick Child... ME with a sick child!  My friends, I am a hot ass mom mess when my baby is sick.

Hot. Ass. Mom. Mess.

The absolute worst part of parenting so far has been dealing with a sick kiddo. I feel so helpless. I want to fix him, make him feel better. I want to do so much that I cannot, and it sucks! Looking at his sad red tired eyes and runny yet stuffy nose breaks my heart!  BREAKS IT!


10 Of The Funniest Things I Have Seen Over The Past 10 Days. #Top10Tuesday

It's Tuesday... I say we start off with a laugh!

(Warning: This post is full of Tasteless Parenting Humor.  If you are not into Tasteless Humor, then you better not look... But for those parents who, like me, refuse to give up their silly tasteless sense of humor just because they have become parents, then this one is for you!)

We can learn a lot from this guy! 

I blame the winter... OK, and my lazy ass too...

I Second that!



Ummm.... Yeah.  Before buying this book, 'Firts', slap yourself. 

Where is the fail?  I bet that baby is the Shit!

I cannot stop laughing at this!!
That car has BALLS!

If you liked this post, Please click the image below to throw me a virtual fist bump...


Cheers to 2014 And Dreams Coming True...

Two weeks ago when the editor of Parenitng.com contacted me out of the blue to let me know I had been chosen as one of the, 'Top 10 Mommy Bloggers of 2013,' I was completely blown away! I was sure there was no way my day could get any better.  I even dropped a tear of shock and happiness! Little did I know the next email from the editor would have news that was just as amazing, I was being invited to be a regular contributor on parenting.com! I was given assignments to choose form and everything... OH MY GOODNESS!!

Today my first assignment, a review of a super cool app that can help you save time and money all while growing your local community, has been published!

Please show me some love and check out my first article on Parenting.com

This is me Super Excited about this!!


I Left My Baby With Strangers. It Was For The Best...

Ok. So they weren't really strangers, but an hour earlier they were...

A few days ago a friend called to let me know she had just finished checking out a 'Parent's Day Out' (PDO) program at a church very near to where I live. She said she loved it for her two-year-old daughter, and had a feeling I would love it for Ollie too. This was beyond epic coming from her because she has over ten years of experience caring for children; From private nannying, to Autism care counseling, to dealing with juvenile delinquents in a state mandated facility. This chick knows the child care business in and out.

She. Had. My. Attention.

She went on to tell me that she spent two hours drilling the the director, quizzing the teachers in each room, and inspecting the facility's toys and play areas. The place came up clean. She had no complaints. By the time I hung up with her I was super excited to check it out. Plus, I was more than ready to take Ollie to a daycare for a couple of days a week. Well, at least that's what I had been telling myself the past month...

24 hours!  That's service.
Isn't that a kidnapper van?

On the morning we were scheduled to go check out the preschool, Ollie had another terrible night of sleep, or lack there of. He was up at 2am and every hour or so until he finally got up as 5am. Needless to say, I was not well rested and super annoyed. I was so tired that I was ready to drop his ass off with Gypsies to get some sleep.

The entire morning I talked up the PDO program to Ollie.  I kept telling him how he was going to play with friends, and run around and climb on new toys, and how it was going to be so much fun!!<Insert one thousand exclamation points>

As I walked him into the church I felt good.  This was the right thing to do!  Ollie is almost two years old, so it's time for Learning...

1. Socialization
2. Organized play
3. That if you take shit off of kids/people, they will take it back and yell in your face-- Unlike mommy who makes crap threats and gives a hundred word explanation why that is bad.
4. If you hit people they will hit you back.--Unlike mommy who makes crap threats and gives a hundred word explanation why that is bad.  Yes, there is a pattern here...
5. Organized learning of numbers and colors-- not mommy with cheap flash cards singsonging Reddddd...YEllllloooooow...
and last... something so important...
6. Mommy can go out alone!  <Insert One Zillion exclamation points.>

Once we made it into the daycare/preschool area, I found my friend talking to the director.  Both gave Ollie and I warm wonderful smiles. I was really feeling so good about this!  The director and I exchanged pleasantries and then Ollie and I were shown around.  Still feeling so good...

Last we were shown into the room that Ollie would be in, "The Twos." She introduced us to the two teachers and three littles already hard at play. The director closed the door gate behind her leaving me standing in the middle of the room... holding Ollie as tight as I could.  The teacher looked at me, then Ollie, and asked if he wanted to go see the train table.  I looked at her and said, "Do parents normally start crying at this point? Because I think I am about to." (No shit you all, I said that. Out Loud.)


I lost my courage.

Ollie looked at the train table and begged to be put down.  The teacher showed me to a teeny tiny seat and offered it to me.  I wanted to ask her is she was blind, because no way was my ass fitting in it, but in lieu of fainting, I took it and sat down... somehow...

Over the next five minutes I asked questions and tried to keep my shit together.  Once Ollie had settled down they encouraged me to go join my friend on the bench outside of the preschool rooms so Ollie and I could see how we felt about being a part.  I dutifully peeled my ass out of the plastic Barbie chair, told Ollie I would be right back and asked for a kiss.  He obliged and turned on his heels to go back to the train table... WTF?  What about mommy???

I let myself out of the gate and found my way to the bench... well, I took a picture of me leaving him, and him not caring...

After 10 minutes... nothing.  Not even a,  "Where's mommy?"  When I peeked my head around the corner I found him pushing a truck around the floor, happy as I left him.

Ok. This is a good thing... This is a very good thing... So, then why do I want to cry?

The director recommended I go get a cup of coffee or run an errand or two for an hour or so, then come back for Ollie. Since I did not bring a diaper bag, snack or lunch, I was limited on time anyway.  You all... I didn't bring that kid jack shit to left somewhere for a few hours. DUH!  I honestly did not even think to bring anything!  I guess as much as I thought I wanted to leave him with gypsies, I was not as prepared to as I thought!

Again, knowing it was the right thing to do for both of us, I left. I left my son with strangers.  I left him with three women I had known for an hour.  I left him in a room with kids I did not know.  I left my son.

It felt good.  It felt really good.  I have mentally preparing for this for a while now. I knew this would be so good for him, and myself.  The socialisation, the structure, the space to run, the learning... The class puts an emphasis on learning numbers, colors and the alphabet in a playful way.  I was just so impressed with it all. This was a going to be a Godsend...

I took this photo as I walking out.
My Little's first coat hook.
Awww.  I think I may cry!
Once in the car, I waited for the tears, but they didn't come. Still, I didn't leave. I didn't know where to go, or what to do. I was fully overwhelmed by what was happening.  I was so torn between how good it was for him, and for me, and that actual act of leaving, trusting these strangers to care for my son. wow.  Eventually, I left.  I drove around, got a coffee... and could not wait to go back for my boy. I missed him so much.

Once back, I found him happily playing.  When he saw me he gave me the biggest smile ever, my hearted melted. #Motherhood #Bliss He looked at the teacher, pointed at me and yelled, 'My Mommy!' Oh my God you all... SO AMAZING!  He ran to the gate, I let myself in and squeezed that little boy so hard... I was ready for Mommy's Day Out to Be over.

If you are a stay-at-home-parent, I absolutely cannot recommend a PDO enough!  I admit, it was hard for me at first, but I am so glad I did it. The benefits of this program have been amazing so far. I cannot wait until next week.  I already have a two page list of things I have put off that I need to do during my next Mommy's Day Out.  But then again, I may just drop him off, and come home and take a big fat nap...

**For those of you who do not know, a PDO-Parents/Mommy day out program differs from day care in that is not full time, or even more than once a week if you want.  They range from one-hour to full day. Daycare is normally full-time, pay upfront and if your kid doesn't turn up, sorry about your luck and money. PDO is more flexible. Mine is $22 a day Monday and Wednesdays, from 9:30-1:30 with the option to pay $5 extra to drop-off/pick-up one hour earlier/later.


It's Not Just Awards Season In Tinseltown....

It's Not Just Awards Season In Tinseltown....
Some of you may remember that last year I was a finalist for one of the biggest baddest bestest Blogging awards possible, a Bloggie. The annual Weblog Awards named First Time Mom and Dad a finalist for 'Best New Weblog of 2012.'  Remember, I screamed so loud the echo was heard across the world?  Yeah, THAT award.  (Think: The Oscars of blogging) 

Did The 2014 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Cover Go Too Ménage-à-Far?

Being raised in South Florida, I owned more bathing suits than any other article of clothing.  To this day, even though I live much farther north than my beloved Miami, I still own a ridiculous amount of bathing suits. Ok, so now that I have stated my case for my love of bathing suits, it will not sound nearly as weird when I say, I look forward to the Sports Illustrated Swim Suit issue every year.  I look to it for the trends in bathing suits, and inspiration to get my butt in shape.  So when I went to the newsstand to grab my annual copy, the 50th Anniversary issue no less, I nearly had a heart attack. Staring back at me were three topless chicks with their hands on each other's nearly bare asses. What the hell?

This is photo of a rack at my supermarket checkout.
Note that the magazine is knee high or the eye level of my toddler. 
This cover is such a let down. What's more, it's the most tasteless photo throughout the entire magazine. Why did they pick it?  To sell magazines, I get that. But to whom?  Everyone I guess, because everyone can reach up and buy it.  I did. Yes, I bought it. I had to, it's the 50th anniversary edition of a magazine I have been buying for 20 years. I bought my first issue when I was 16. That was in 1994.  The Dream Team was on the cover. Elle Macpherson, Kathy Ireland and Rachel Hunter. WEARING COMPLETE BATHING SUITS! 

Photo Credit: SI.com

I am desperate for this post not to be a case of me being a prude, or a mid-thirties "just jealous" bitch, or a mom ranting, because this is not about me, it's about three naked chicks on the cover of a magazine, at the checkout lanes of the supermarket, for all to see. Most of all, tweens and teens. This should not be an image "Sports Illustrated" is portraying! I expect this from Playboy, NOT SI! I am so disappointed. 

I feel for the parents trying to raise girls in this environment.  I remember the pressures of being a tween/teen, and wanting to be a popular girl. I realize now how much easier I had it than the girls of today.  I didn't have sex driving the rules of popularity. I just needed to know how to tight roll my jeans, stay relatively thin, and apply makeup. Most of all, I had to be smart and funny and fun to be around.  Today, it seems the recipe for a girl to be trendy and popular is to look like she got attacked by a make-up counter, and pulled her t-shirt down just enough to cover her ass. Such a shame.

Is there a way to fix this?  Probably not. Do the parents of today have a constant uphill battle? Absolutely. The only saving grace is knowing the days of big fake breast came and went, so hopefully tweens dressing like strippers will too.  I know there are parents out there winning this battle. I see tweens and teens out there dressed in 'age-appropriate' outfits.  To those parents, I applaud you. I know it cannot be easy.  I imagine covers like the one on the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit cover cannot be making your job any easier.

And finally, to the editors at Sports Illustrated, you sell a version of the magazine to children, and because of that, kids look up to your name and magazines. What the hell is wrong with you?  I imagine you would have had no trouble selling this magazine with a more tasteful cover, yet you went dumpster diving to the pits of shame, and pulled this one out. And for the 50th Anniversay issue, no less? I am scared to see what you come up with next year.  I mean, how could you possibly top three naked girls?

The Key To Sleep Training A Toddler...

I am so freaking exhausted. Like newborn baby momma tired... Too bad I am not dealing with a newborn, but a near two-year-old toddler.

Somehow, I have been "Sleep Training" my child since he was born. Seriously. My toddler is a month shy of turning two and I am STILL waking up with him at all hours of the night. Sometimes he goes back to sleep easily. Sometimes, not so much. That's right, nearly 24 months of on and off sleep training.

This latest trip through sleep training hell began WAY back in October, when daylight savings time and my Mother-in-law (MIL) came a knocking at our door... within days of each other. Right at that time Ollie started waking up at 4:30 ready to make the day his bitch. Then he started waking up every couple of hours... turning mommy into a bitch.

When, after a few weeks of this constant and early waking, I reached out to every mother I knew, looked into every print and online resource I could find, and even called the doctor for help.  I was given some great advice from, going with the classic cry-it-out method; to getting a crib net to put over his crib to keep him in bed; to getting a gate to put at his door to keep him in his room until it was time to wake up for the day; to all types of self soothing techniques like stand close to his crib, don't stand close, nurse him/don't nurse him, keep putting him back in bed...  but above all, The Key To Sleep Training A Toddler is Consistency.  I was told it was crucial that I stay consistent with what ever method I went with. Which, now that I am three months into this madness of not sleeping through the night, clearly I have been consistent... with not fixing the damn problem!

I have been consistent with giving in to what ever it takes to get him back to sleep.  I can only handle the screaming and crying for so long.  Plus, I am afraid he is going to wake up the neighbors with his screaming fits! I have consistently given in at 2:30am to walking him into the kitchen for water, then rocking him back to sleep.  I try so hard to just pick him up and put him back in bed, but just last night I did that for TWO HOURS straight! TWO. He was so worked up from screaming and crying that it took forever to calm him down. SUUUUUUUUCKS!!!!!

Here is the worst of it, I am sitting here typing this at 4:30am because I also have the horrible issue of waking up with him, getting him back to sleep and then staying up from nervous energy/anxiety.  I CANNOT WIN!

Well, dammit, I want to win.

I need to find some sort of fix for all of this because since mid-October I have not slept more than four solid hours, unless of course I go to sleep at 8pm when the kid does. Which, that sucks too.

If this is an issue for you too, then take it from me, you have to pick a battle plan and stick to it. I have found putting him back in his bed a hundred times does help. If he wakes up before 5am I can get him back to sleep this way.  I just stand outside of his door waiting for him to come out, and then put him back in his crib, until he finally gives in and stays in his crib for another hour or so. Again, sometimes it works quickly, others he loses his shit and takes forever to calm down. I just consistently keep putting him back in his bed. I pray every night that he will finally get it, and stay in bed for good. So, here is hoping this last horrible round was the one that won the battle.

Also, people swear by keeping the child in their room with a gate or crib net, I just do not have the backbone to deal with the screaming.  Plus, my doctor said it is best not to traumatize him by yelling, locking him in his room, or associating sleep with crazy mommy.  Though a few times I am sure he has seen crazy mommy.  The main issue is that no one thing has really worked for us.  He wakes up, I do my best to get him back to sleep without any extra stimulation, and when that fails, I break and do what it takes--rocking, milk/water, reading... whatever it takes.  I know this is not good, and that it is most likely what has me in this situation for so ling, but at the wee hours of mooring, I am more concerned with getting him back to sleep as quickly as possible.

Truth be told, I am at the end of my patience with this, so for the next few nights I am going to be really tough.  I know from all the hurdles I have overcome with my child, it usually takes three days of being consistent to make a change.  So... I will let you know how this works out for me.

Just know, if you are up at the ass-crack of dawn with a crazy toddler, so am I, and probably a fair number of parents reading this. I just keep telling myself, this shit will pass! Eventually. I mean, even though everything about the teenage years is supposed to suck, I know for a fact teenagers sleep... I sure as hell did. In fact, the way I feel right now, I think that was the last time I did sleep through the night.

(If you came here desperate for some answers, then check out this post with some good tips from the baby sleep site. CLICK HERE

Got any ideas?  Did something work for you?  PLEASE SHARE!!


Top 10 Tuesday: 10 Things You Should Know About Me and This Blog.

Since finding out that Parenting.com chose First Time Mom & Dad as a, Top 10 Mom Blog of 2013, I have been in complete shock. Mostly because I am a completely clueless mommy, blogging about epic fails, bad gas, diaper blowouts at the most inconvenient time, holding it together as a new SAHM, and at times, being completely walked all over and out smarted by a toddler. Of course there is also the occasional product review-with giveaway- to pay people off for reading my nonsense.  Still, Top Mommy Blogger?

Seriously, how in the hell did this happen?  Wait. Don't answer that. In this case, ignorance is bliss.  But just in case you are stopping by to see what all of the excitement is all about, I feel the need to explain myself and my blog. I am worried that this new label may be misleading people into believing this blog is somehow going to be filled with first-time parent ground breaking tips and tricks. Ha! Ok, maybe it happens, but only after an epic fail on my part, that blindly leads me into finding the super tip or trick to fix my fail... and that is mostly what this blog is about, FTD and I stumbling through parenting blindly, while our kid laughs at us.

Sorry, on with it...

10 Facts you should know about the Crazy Train- aka FirstTimeMomandDad.com

1. This blog is primarily written by me, April.  FTD writes when he feels like it, which since going back to work his posts have been few and FAR between, however, he can be found regularly posting comments on both this blog and our Facebook Fan Page.  We both have a wicked sense of humor. I think it is crucial to have a great sense of humor towards parenting. if I do not laugh at myself, my parenting skills, and my child, I will lose my shit.  I am sarcastic, and use humor to vent.  My blog is most definitely 99.9% about finding humor in parenting. If you take me word-for-word seriously you are going to be super annoyed.  I know I will be.

2.  Our son is less than 30-days from turning Two. I'm proud to say he is so super bad-ass, except when he wakes up at the ass crack of dawn, throws food at me and/or toys at the cat, screams for the hell of it, pulls out the drawers in the dresser to climb to the top and throw things off so he can sit on top of it, runs away form me in the grocery store, tries to break out of his car seat while I am driving, spits his water out all over himself for fun, craps his pants minutes after leaving the house... Oh hell, he is a toddler... you know where I am going with this.  He is bad-ass except when he is testing me and his boundaries.

3. I'm not afraid to use my colorful vocabulary when necessary. I try my best to keep this blog clean, but that shit is difficult when talking about the adventures and lessons learned while parenting a bat-shit crazy toddler.

4.  My parenting style is Keep Calm & Choose My Battles Wisely. My son's entire day is an experiment in learning, testing boundaries, climbing to new heights (literally) and navigating this big world. I have two choices-- say NO! one million times an hour, or stand at a safe distance and decide if I need to say 'NO!', or if just letting him have at it will serve him better.  I normally choose the latter so he can learn things for himself.

6. I try not to hand out any medical, legal or advice on shit I know nothing about. If it is necessary, I will provide a link to where I get my information from. There is enough nonsense on the Internet, no way am I going to add to the lies, misinformation and bullshit.

7. Every month I change the Blog's theme or background.  I like to keep the look of this blog as fresh and fun as my content.  Usually the theme is geared toward whatever holiday is going on, or special events. That being said, I keep the layout the same- simple, clean and void of Advertising overkill.  I want you to read my blog, not get confused by the flashing lights and gypsies peddling their shit.

8. This blog would not be awesome without it's community!  I have the greatest readers who chime in with their own stories, tips, tricks, triumphs and fails.  I LOVE THAT SHIT!  They are also super involved on the First Time Mom and Dad Facebook Fan Page. I would say almost daily you can find awesome tips and stories from readers on that page.  (CLICK HERE TO JOIN IN THE MADNESS)

9. I go through phases with product reviews and sponsored/brand ambassador posts. Sometimes I go weeks without any reviews, sometimes I do them regularly.  I normally do not do more than one product review a week, and with apps and eBooks being all the rage, sometimes I will do one a week too. I never review stuff I would not use. It is such a waste of time for all involved.  It is just so important to me that this blog is a great balance between product reviews and content.

10. Over the last year I have turned into a Domestic Diva. I used to never cook, decorate or do DIY anything. Somehow this has changed. I think motherhood has something to do with it... A big change to the blog this coming year is that I plan to share some of the easy recipes, DIY and home decorating tips I am super proud of myself for mastering.  Trust me, if you are new at this domestic diva thing too, then you are gonna love this shit.

I'm sure there is more to tell, but I think this is a good list of who I am, what this blog is about and what to expect.  Just like parenting, this blog is unpredictable, but certainly full of adventure and learning lessons.  I also love when readers send me ideas, so from day to day the content can be vastly different.  I just hope I can continue to bring help, release and unconventional ideas to all new parents who are, like me, doing their best to be the best at this parent thing.

P.s. I would be so super duper thankful if you would throw me a vote from time to time.  You can actually do it every 24 hours... Just click the image below and the vote is automatically sent!  Sometimes I do not add the image to every posts because I think it is just overkill.  But if you are feeling exceptionally kind everyday, you can find the voting button on the right hand side of my blog.
And truth be told... It makes me feel so loved when I see votes and comments!  Thank you in advance!


From the Impossible to the Probable: 10 Things Girls Secretly Want In Life (Guest Post)

Due to my brain being frozen by two back-to-back winter storms, I am letting a friend who wishes to remain anonymous, take over for today's post. More to the point, I am letting a childless friend take over with an awesomely fun post to remind us mothers, who more times than not, put aside our wants for those of our child(ren.) Today my friends, it's time to remember our wants! 

Without further ado..From the Impossible to the Probable: 10 Things Girls Secretly Want In Life...

We dream about true love. We wait for our prince charming. We love to wear high heels and gladiator shoes. We like gummy bears. We devour a pint of ice cream when we’re sad. We feel betrayed when we don’t get that promotion we worked so hard for. We cry when we lose someone we love.

Girls have unending requests and wishes. That’s why we’re counting down these top 10 things we girls, secretly want to happen in our life.

1. We want to rock a supermodel body without having to go through rigorous gym training and exercise. Girls like us need to work for a living almost 24/7, which leaves no room for consistent workout.

2. We want to own as much designer items as possible: Louis Vuitton Neverfull Monogram, Tory Burch sunglasses, a Miss Dior perfume and a pair of Christian Louboutin pumps. We’d be lucky to own one of these in our whole lifetime but we’ll be very much grateful if these will be presented to us in the form of gifts.

3. We love a dinner date. A formal one. A date where we can wear the finest dresses you can only see being worn on the red carpet. We want to walk those gladiator shoes in heels while you gaze at our long, slim legs. Without having to tell, we want our man to pull us at the center of the room for a romantic slow dance as if nobody else is watching.

4. We want to reach our orgasm when we want to make love. Take note: make love, not sex.
5. We want to own Victoria’s Secret’s sexiest lingerie. We want a matching bra-and-panty set that goes in black, red and animal print. And pink.

6. We want a job that will give us self fulfillment. We want equality in the workplace, particularly when it comes to salary and benefits because we also work hard for our careers. We don’t have to wear pencil skirts, blazers and a pair of high-heeled pumps just to be respected because respect should be given to us in the first place.

7. We want people to stop asking us when we’ll get married because it’s not helpful. It actually puts us in an uncomfortable situation. Yes, we want that dream wedding someday but please lose the pressure.

8. We want a grandeur proposal someday. And a diamond ring that’s visible when we’re even 12 feet away from anybody.

9. To be really more beautiful and awesome than the girl whom our ex currently dates. If not, more intelligent then. Or more successful in our career.

10. We want supportive people in our life. We want someone to pull us back to positivity when our world is falling apart. We want someone to love us, not despite of our flaws but because of those flaws. We want someone to constantly remind us that we’re beautiful and irreplaceable.

We girls don’t require the whole world. Just a piece of it – the best piece that perfectly fits our kaleidoscope life.

What are your wants?

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