Baby Gas! How to relieve the discomfort.

Baby Gas! How to relieve the discomfort.

I suppose the only way to follow my husbands "Shit Wars" blog is to talk about the evil beast that precedes it, Gas!  I was told that a baby usually only cries for three reasons, Hungry, Tired or Wet. WRONG! Well, I guess if we are going to be technical about it, Oliver doesn't cry from gas, he SCREAMS!

My poor little guy has gas that rivals my pregnancy gas, massive and constant. (Thank God it doesn't rival the smell!  How bad would that gas karma suck?) The real issue is that, according to my doctor, babies don’t know what to do with gas. They tend to fight the sensation to let it pass. So, like with all other pains, the babe scream until it is alliveated.

Oliver is clearly scared to let it pass, so true to form, he grunts and fights it every step of the way. It usually plays out like this, Ollie is lying there minding his own business, happy and cooing, then out of nowhere, a blood-curdling scream comes out of his little mouth.  Then he alternates screaming and crying until he passes the gas.  It is so incredibly sad.

There are only a couple of ways that I know of, to sooth an infants gas issues. 

1. Bicycle the legs-My doctor said this is the best method to pass the gas or at least alleviate the pain quickly.
2. Hold him straight up and down-Rub his back trying to let the gas fall out so to speak.
3. Massage his little tummy- I personally don’t find this to help me. I don’t really know what I’m doing so I leave this to daddy, the gas king!
4. Put him on his belly and pushing his little booty up and down-to encourage him to pass the gas. My sister swears by this.
5. Gas Drops! Gas drops are great, I give him his necessary dosage and within minutes he is noticeably better, he's not screaming anymore! Gripe Water is also another medication like option. However, I personally prefer Gas drops for Gas problems.

Lately the poor guy has been having the worst time with gas.  I also have been giving him more bottles a day.  When we have houseguest it is easier for me to just give him a pumped bottle and then pump a little later when it's more convenient for me.  I know most mothers put a few gas drops in every bottle they give their bub.  I usually give Oliver his bottle, burping every couple ounces, and then when we are finished, all chances of projectile spewing are over, I give him a few drops with the dropper.

So next time your baby screams out, and you know she/ he is NOT wet, hungry or tired, think the Fifth Beatle, GAS!   I cannot tell you how many times the hubs and I have scratched our heads in confusion over why Ollie was crying after checking the three usual culprits.  Now that we know gas is a major cry stimulator to look for we are all are getting through these colic like screaming bouts better.  We usually try to go through all of the home remedies before the gas drops.  But, I'll admit since he has been having so much trouble lately with the bottles, I just give him the drops immediately then bicycle his legs.  My doctor said the poor littler guy will eventually realize what he is feeling, and let the gas out. Thank God, because we all know evil gas is so much better out than in!

Oh and remember...A bottle should always be stirred never shaken! (air bubbles get in the shaken bottle causing MORE gas!)

Shit Wars

Shit Wars

A long shit time ago, In a shit galaxy far far away...

Shit Wars


The Phantom Menacing baby SHitS 

G’day Ladies, Gents and Shit fans.  First Time Dad here for your daily baby enlightenments!

If you haven't guessed it yet, today’s post is about SHIT!  Baby shit that is! Black gold, texas tea etc etc.  Three months in and I've experienced all kinds of shit.  Sad shit, happy shit, runny, wet, dry, crunchy, stringy, green, black, orange, nutty, odourless and stinky shit!

SHit (as we all know) can be funny or sometimes gruesome but I was never prepared for the vast amounts of time that I've recently spent with shit.  In light of this magnificent understanding, today I've decided to share with you all my ratings of shit - The good and the bad, the happy and the sad. As a 21st century DAD, Which shits should you deal with and which should you pass on to Mum? READ ON GENTS!!!

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1.   The black-tar 1st shits        **  BAD  ** Sticky and thick, attaches easily to the wipers' skin. Hard on the eyes and disturbing...hand over to mamma!

2.   The green sloppy shit        **  OK   ** AKA "Green apple Splatters".  Mildly interesting, easily wiped. Pretend that you're cleaning up pickles.

3.   The Seedy orangey Shit        **  OK   ** Where the HELL do the seeds come from? Very interesting to inspect!, extra wiping required - Medium Level Shit

4.   The DIAHORREA             **  BAD  ** A Sinister shit - can be many coloured and offensive to the palette.  Do NOT attempt! requires a woman's touch! PASS!

5.   The DRY Shit            **  OK   ** STicks HARD to the buttock, requires many wet-wipes. You almost wanna get some 80 grit sand-paper on it - Medium

6.   The Nugget            **  OK   ** Like a few marbles rolling about in your pocket.  No Big deal! If you're skilled you can re-use the diaper! Easy!

7.   The Chocolate Runway        **  BAD  ** Right up the back of the crack and over the top of the diaper! BAD NEWS ! Take one look for research and Pass to Mum!

8.   The Nose Bleeder        **  BAD  ** A reeking stench of rotting flesh, a tramps pants and a Thailand public toilet in one! Call the Mother-in-law ASAP!

9.   The Garden HOSE            ** WORST ** The jet of hot steamy shit spraying all over the change table, your hands, the wall, stuffed toys and your clean shirt.

10.  The Phantom Shit        **  OK   ** Squirmy, noisy, squeltchy, bubbling FART that (when the diaper is removed) never faecally materializes. A ghost shit!

11.  The Depth Charge        **  BAD     ** Any of the above BUT done in the toddler bath! The ironic mix of soap and shit is a new dad's worst nightmare!

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Of course, there are many more variants, colours, styles and tastes but these are the more exciting and memorable moments of the past 90 or so days.  If you've had an awesome shit tale why not comment below and share it with the other readers.  I'll see you all for some awesome shit blog-interwebs soon!

Au Revoir shit-fans!

Mommy (and Daddy!) Fail #5

Mommy (and Daddy!) Fail #5

Today I met the hubs and his family, in from Australia, for lunch at a local deli. When I walked in I gave hellos and hugs and then of course gave Ollie a big smile and kiss.When I leaned in to him I thought I smelled a stinky booty, but it was not that bad so I left him with dad, placed my order and ran to the restroom to wash my hands. When I got back to the table dad had Ollie dangling out in front of him about a foot. Oliver had crapped his diaper and over flowed on dads lap. FUNNY!

Of course the hubs is begging me to take him, but after one look at his lap I laughed and said, “Hell No! I can see what he did to you. Why would I sign up for that?!” I grabbed the diaper bag and told dad to follow me to the restroom so I could change Ollie. I was in work clothes and the damage had already been done to dad, no way was I carrying him to the loo. Obnoxious dad walked through the deli with Ollie dangling a foot out in front of him crying the whole time about his shorts. I couldn’t stop laughing!

As I opened the door to the restroom I realized there was no changing station. There was nowhere to change him in the small bathroom except the floor. NOT HAPPENING! I turned back to dad, still dangling Ollie and told him we were in need of a fast Plan B. Dad said, "what about the car?" Brilliant! Me, dad and dangling Ollie b-lined for the car. Of course since it was lunchtime the parking lot was packed and there was no way to change him in the front or back seat easily. Good ol’ dad still full of great ideas says, “What about the trunk?”

POP! Trunk is now open, changing mat laid out and the eagle has landed! I pull off Oliver’s clothes and slowly peel open the diaper. The whole time crybaby dad is telling me, “there is no way there is any shit in the nappy, it’s all over me bloody shorts!” Of course the diaper is full! What’s not full is the wipe container. There are three left. I need 300! Finally dad cracks a smile because he knows the chances of me getting poo all over me trying to clean up the diaper explosion were pretty good.

I use the filthy diaper to wipe as much off as possible, then use every ounce of real estate the wipes have to offer to finish the job. A few minutes later, dad’s shorts are a loss, my hands need a hot water scrub down, and Oliver is smiling and cooing in the trunk of the car. I was going to have dad take a picture for the baby book, but we both agreed that a picture of our 3 month old son in the trunk of the car, smile or not, was going to say 1000 of the wrong words. We settled for a high five and got to work on the next mission, feeding Oliver.

I went the restroom first to wash my hands, got Ollie back from dad and then went to the cashier to asked for a coffee cup of hot water. I went back to the table just as my lunch arrived, popped the bottle in the cup of hot water to be warmed up and started to eat my sandwich ,full of mommy satisfaction. Dad returned a few minutes later with wet shorts and a little less satisfaction. The Aussies were impressed since they know we are clueless. Yeah so maybe we stuck our son in the trunk of the car, we still solved the problem, no harm no foul. As usual mommy fail equals lesson learned!









My Baby is three months old today!

My Baby is three months old today!



I cannot believe how fast the time has gone by, but it’s true Oliver is three months old today!

At three months old he is…


  1. Nearly 25 inches long.
  2. Nearly 16 pounds!
  3. Not completely bald but close! He still is loosing his hair in funny tufts.
  4. Still exclusively breastfed.
  5. Is sleeping about 16 hours a day total.
  6. Not showing any signs of sleeping through the night, BOOO! He sleeps his first stretch starting at 7 or 8pm – and goes to 1 or 2am then the next for 4 hours and then he is either ready to rock and roll at 5 or 6 am or hell to get back to sleep.
  7. He smiles at me when he hears my voice or when I am staring at him smiling too.
  8. He coos sounds of happiness and kind of yell-coos sounds of bored or annoyed.
  9. Is wearing 6-9 month old clothes. 0-3 onesies turn into baby thongs on him.
  10. He is wearing #2 diapers. Though daddy got #3’s because he is now 3 months and he thought that’s what the number meant! LMAO!
  11. He’s reaching out for things we put in front of him but not quite grasping and holding on yet.
  12. During tummy time he is lifting himself up and looking around, he is also moving his legs like he is ready to start trying to crawl.
  13. He is holding his head up really well, but he cannot keep it there,
  14. Focusing on objects and clearly trying to process what it its.
  15. Trying to stand up on my lap and loves pushing off of my hands when he is having tummy time.
  16. He only cries when he is hungry, tired or bored. If I am a good mommy he rarely cries!
  17. Refuses to go to sleep in his crib for the night if it is light in his room. I have had to by light blocking curtains to trick him into going to sleep. 2 points mommy!
  18. Is eating 5 ½ ounces of milk nearly every three hours! Mommy is busy!
  19. Flailing his arms and legs nearly 20 hours a day! Yes, even in his sleep. It’s constant. I have had to stop watching the monitor or I will go cross-eyed staring for so long!
  20. He it the light and pure joy of my world and is teaching me the meaning of life!


3 months postpartum-What to Wear?

3 months postpartum-What to Wear?


I’m hitting the three-month postpartum point and I am still at least two sizes larger than my pre-baby days.  I am also changing over from winter to summer clothes and do not have the comfy stretchy maternity clothes to go with the change.  It’s time to start being honest about what is really going on in regard to my weight, and what I plan to do about it.

As a new mother who is still breastfeeding, working full time and in between trying to find time to be a wife, I have very little time to add a workout into the mix.  My only saving grace at this point is that I am still breastfeeding.. While I have heard it helps to loose the baby weight, it’s not a rapid solution.  My body has also morphed into the strangest “pear shape.”  I have a massive ass and thighs, narrowing waist and massive boobies. I cannot find a pair of pants to fit me to save my life!

The bigger issue next to my big ass is my massive milk factories.  I don’t need the “Big and Tall” store, I need the “Big n’ Tits” store! I cannot fit well into any tops. If it’s form fitting then my poor boobies get smashed into looking like a speed bump on my chest or if I get a shirt big enough for the boobs the bottom is SO unflattering I might as well throw a tarp over my head.


 Conclusion & Solution…


My shape is the funniest looking Pear shape I have ever seen.  I want to cry!  P.s. you are officially attending my pity party, thanks for coming! 

What I plan to do about it- NOTHING!  I don’t plan to do a damn thing.  I cannot find the time to eat well or sleep, so how in the hell am I supposed to find time to exercise?  I cannot find time to go to the grocery, dad does that, so actually getting a stock of healthy choices is like pulling teeth.  Dad thinks corn dogs somehow cover all 4 food groups on a stick!

I am left at the mercy of time and my faith in “This Too Shall Pass.”  I know my body today is not it for the rest of my life.  A time will come when I can go to the gym and the grocery store.  For now, I am trying to look in the mirror as little as possible, go for family walks as much as possible and buy new clothing pieces that fit when ever possible.  

Pregnancy- the gift that keeps on giving well after baby is born.


.  

Enjoy every second...

Enjoy every second...

I have heard so many times from friends, family and even strangers, while standing over Oliver, "enjoy every second, because they go way to fast.” I have certainly learned that the hard way over the last 11weeks. I cannot believe how fast the weeks have gone by. My little guy is already trying to walk and talk! I am really trying to slow down now and love and embrace every second…

... Yes, even the seconds that I get peed, pooped or spit-up on. The seconds that seem like hours when my baby refuses to go to bed. Or while nursing the seconds that last 45 minutes, EVERYTHREE HOURS! The beautiful seconds when he smiles and coos at me, squeezes my fingers and melts my heart when he looks in my eyes.

It's true the past 11 weeks have gone by in the blink of an eye. Even though I am so tired of dragging my tired ass out of bed every three hours to nurse him, I know in my heart I will miss it some day. So now when I slide out of bed I try to remember to embrace it. I hold my baby a little closer and longer before putting him down to nap. I’m loving bath time, playtime, spit-up time, fussy time, and feeding time more than ever.

Every second with my beautiful son is precious! My baby that will be three months old this week! Which I believe means that at three months my Newborn is no longer a “newborn”but just an Infant! (Insert me sobbing)


So I tell you my friend, next time you are covered in puke, pee and poop that somehow simultaneously shot out, embrace that because one day when your bub is a teenager screaming at you, you will wish you were covered in baby puke, pee and poop instead.

Seriously, enjoy every second good or bad because they are special and go way too fast.


What has First Time Dad been up to you ask...

FTD has been slacking and acting like a big child, as usual. He promises to start writing more...

This is an email he sent to our family and friends today. Every week he sends an update of photos over seas to our family in Australia.  I nearly died when I opened it.  FTD has issues.

"Ollie 11 weeks old!"


Guess what dad got for his birthday.

Mommy Power Hour!

Mommy Power Hour!


It’s time to institute the Mommy Power Hour! The Mommy Power Hour is one-hour everyday that is yours. You let your partner take care of the baby while you do whatever you want!  Preferably this hour is the same time everyday. This way you and your partner know it’s coming, going to happen and you are not going to be available AT ALL! Yes, I know for some, especially single moms and mothers of multiples, this may sound close to impossible.  But, even if the hour is after the baby/kids are asleep, you have to take 60 minutes to do something for you.

This all came about because I am sick of being so incredibly exhausted by the end of the day.  I take on more than I need to and realize that now. I need to let dad do more of the work at night.  I need to stop thinking that I am in a constant race with dad to get to Ollie first the second he makes a noise.  I need to realize that daddy can give baths too, and when I’m finished feeding rock baby Awesome-ness to sleep. I need to delegate more and stop taking on so much unnecessary stress and worry.

The power hour is meant to do two things. 

  1. Give me 60 minutes to unwind, relax and do whatever I want or need to do, FOR MYSELF!
  2. Give dad one hour to be alone, in-charge and bond with his baby.

This plan is a win win for both of us. I can learn that for an entire hour I can let go when I am at home, and let dad do his thing while I do mine.  When I am home I am “ON” full time mommy, dad is the back up.  That’s not fair to either one of us.

We have decided that the mommy power hour is the hour before Ollie’s bath time.  This means from 6:30-7:30 everyday dad has to be ON, and I get to be off.  As I type this I realize how silly this might sound, but if you are anything like me, you need to step back and let dad step in.  My hubs thinks this is a great idea.  He wants to be the one to jump up, but because I am always the first to run he doesn’t bother getting up anymore.  Now he knows he has to get up and looks forward to it.

Today I just laid in bed and read a book.  Dad just played with Ollie, watched TV with him and then gave him a bath.  I read, felt guilty (for NO reason) and then got up fed Ollie and sat down on the couch noticeably more relaxed.  The Mommy Power Hour works!  Dad also looked noticeably more puffed up in his chest.  He was feeling really good about himself getting to take care of Ollie while I was home and not have me standing over him or at the very least hawk eyeing him from the couch.  (I’m still learning to let go…)

If you need a break and your partner needs more time alone with the baby institute the Power hour.  It’s just 60 minutes out of the day, surely you deserve at least that!   

Going from mommy to me


I had no idea how much I had “let myself go” until getting ready for work yesterday. I looked in the mirror and thought shit! My hair is reaching mermaid length, my nails are broken shells, my feet are as rough as a lumberjacks, my eyebrows need to be cut with a lawn mower and the tops of my feet have bushes growing on them. GROSS! GROSS! GROSS!

I'm a fairly low maintenance chick, but the current mess I have become is a new low for me. Instantly I knew I had only two options, move to the Amazon forest or call the salon. I opted for the latter and begged for the very first available appointment!

I combed through my latest In style magazine to find the new look I wanted. I loved this color and style. A poll of my sister, BFF and hubs sealed the deal, they loved it too. I was going for glam, no more Miss ponytail!



Super hot!




I walked into the salon, drank in the beautiful smell of Aveda products and nearly started crying tears of joy. The walls lined with product and girly frills made me feel instantly like a woman again. I was gitty with the excitement of knowing in a few hours I was going to go from mommy to me!


I am the queen of wash-n-go. My make up routine takes 2 minutes, the ponytail one minutes and I'm out the door. So, when I sat down with the colorist and stylist they started talking in a language I'd never heard, product this, color that, routine this, 8 week maintenance that... Oh, did I mention that in my 33 years of living I have never had my hair professionally colored?

I thought bringing in a picture would be all I needed to break the stylist/low maintenance girl language barrier. Not so much. Still, we stumbled though the what I want, and what I’m actually going to get barrier and off to coloring I went…

Long story short, I FEEL SO DAMN GOOD! I feel like a lady-mommy not a zombie-mommy. It’s amazing what a bit of salon treatment can do for the new mother. Please if you have not already figured this out, CALL THE SALON! Go pamper yourself, even if it is just for a little bit. We have given up the last year of our lives to growing a baby and festering raging hormones, it’s time we got a little bit of lovin’ back! In fact I’m going back for a facial next week! I have never had one of those but if it makes me feel half as good as I do right now, then time and money well spent!

Go on momma indulge your inner Princess! You deserve it!

Flat out exhusted but a super hero

Flat out exhusted but a super hero



Over the last week I have gone back to work, had friends from Australia in town and thrown a big birthday party for my husband. I am so extremely exhausted my toes are tired! Since the birth of my son, 10 weeks ago, I have told my husband, "I am more tired than I have ever been in my life!" 5 separate times. Each time I am positive that I am even more exhausted than the last time I told him. Again, I am certain that today I am more tired than I have ever been in my life.

1.The first couple of weeks of Oliver’s life I was constantly up checking on him to make sure he was still breathing. Even the hubs was up his first 48 hours home scared to death he was going to stop breathing.
2.The next few weeks Oliver was up more in the day, needed more attention, more feedings and for longer periods at a time.
3. Another few weeks pass and Oliver needs even more attention during the day, eats more and is more difficult to get to sleep, still waking up every three hours to eat like clock work at night. A routine emerges so I start trying to do more things around the house and personal things I have neglected over the last 6 weeks.
4. 8 weeks he's up almost all day with short naps, eatinging every 2 1/2 hours, wanting to play more, he's non-stop!
5. 10 weeks I go back to work, have friends over from Australia and have a big weekend long party for my husband.

What was I thinking? I wasn’t, I am too tired to think. I over extended myself and am now barely a shell of a human being. I am so far gone I want to rip my husbands face off for getting to sleep longer stretches than me. I want to quit my job because it sucks and I want to sleep. I never want to have houseguests again because they turn my life and my house upsidedown. I hate people and parties and birthdays can go to hell! Needless to say I have a nasty attitude at this level of exhaustion, but somehow I keep going.

I have decided that once I became a mom I gained super human powers. One of which is high functioning in the throws of complete and utter exhaustion. My baby keeps me going, he needs me to maintain some level of sanity and some how some way I do! I am floored that I am writing this right now, but that new mother super human power has kicked in to let me keep going, even when my toes tell me I cannot. Everyday that I have been a mother I have learned something new, whether it is about my son or myself. Today I learned that apparently a new mother's exhaustion is limitless and ability to power though it I freakishly amazing!