Not That Bloody Elf Again? It's Like The Same Ho In Every Other Video.

Everywhere I go, I see that Elf on the Shelf, or Christopher Elf, or Asshole Elf, or whatever company's elf is winning Elf sales this year. You can buy that damn thing in Walgreens, Grocery stores, and gas stations. They are literally everywhere. It begs me to ask, are kids starting to wonder, WTF is up with that? Is this insane saturation going to kill off the elf?

I friggin' hope so. 

I've never been into the elf. I can't be bothered to do all the work it takes to, 'bring the elf to life.' I also have a super hard time lying to my child. I fear him finding out and not trusting me anymore. That would suck.  

I felt so horrible about the Santa business, I told him the story of St. Nicholas, and how he was the patron saint of children, women and many others, and did great things for children, including giving them gifts. (I told the longer complete version. I'll spare you.)

I told him the Santa he sees today in the Mall and on street corners ringing bells, is the image of the wonderful spirit, St. Nick. (That coca-cola so graciously created for us.) Thanks to my son's Catholic pre-school, and me being a crazy lady, he thinks great spirits are flying around saving us already. 

Which brings me back to that bloody elf, when did the fear of Santa skipping their house, stop working on children?

When I was a kid, the fear of not getting gifts from Santa was enough to keep me from being an Asshole. For months.

Why does it take an Elf now, too? That's about as dumb as gift wrapping the commode.

Still, every mother I know swears by, The Elf.

HOW?

How is an elf bouncing around the house, multiple times a day, playing the odd prank, screwing shit up and making messes, going to turn my kid into a perfect little Christmas angel?

All that work. I wonder if the parents realize all the shit you do with the elf, is essentially the shit you're trying to stop your child from doing in the first place? Why friggin' bother?

My nephews, who LOVE their Christopher Elf, won't leave me alone about where our elf is. I give them a confused look and try to change the subject. They insist EVERYONE has an elf, and not to worry because he would be here soon.

Has the Elf become the parenting standard now? Does everyone, but me, have an Elf? Am I the asshole for not having an elf for the other kids who come over? Am I screwing up the parenting pact?

Damn. Fucking. Elf. 

To those parents I say,  how much does it suck to know, in two weeks when the elf goes back to Elfland, your perfect little Christmas angel is going to turn back into a heathen shithead? Or, why not have an elf all year-long? Or at least start way earlier than December. If you're gonna lie, why not make it last?

And all that daily work and mess for the sake of staging a prank, that, essentially, YOU PLAY ON YOURSELF! Hey, Parents, congratulations, you made a huge mess and your kids bought it! Now, good luck cleaning it up before you have to do the next prank. 

Funny. But, Screw that. 

I love my kid, but that's going too far. I clean up enough shit on a daily basis. 



What about you? I'd love to know what you think. Is the elf really improving your child's behavior? Is it is really worth the trouble and mess? When do you break out the little bastard? Do you think it's going to last like Santa or fizzle out? 

This News Flash Is For New Dads + Whiny Whimps

While having lunch with a friend we both started getting the, "Where are you?" and "How much longer will you be?" texts from our husbands home watching the children. We had only been away for about an hour at this point, and needless to say, we were both annoyed by the texts. We started trading stories about our husbands, and the awards and praise they think they should receive for various things they do with THEIR OWN CHILD!

After a little back-and-forth my girlfriend and I came up with a 'news flash' we wanted to send our husbands. Feel free to send it to your husband/partner should they need a news flash about what it means to be a parent, too. 

Dear Dad, 

• You are not going to win an award for spending 2 hours alone with your baby. I know this because I have spent many, many hours alone with our son and all I got was... not a damn thing! #NiceTry

• I promise, our son does not 'save his pee to mess with you.' Babies pee when the time strikes them, not the second you take off his diaper or after bathing to mess with you.  #GetOverYourself

• Everything does not have to be a joke. Nor does your daily mission have to be screwing with the kids and me. #Yourenotfunnydad

• No, I do not feed him "ExLax apples." He poops a lot. That’s what babies do. Sometimes they get gassy, super constipated and confused about what's going on. Stop acting like it’s going to kill you to see and smell it. Imagine how the poor guy feels? #GetAFaceMask 

• I did not have our baby so you could have a full-time playmate. I'm tired of pissing on about rules and routines. The baby follows them, why can't you? #GetWithTheProgram

• I will continue to bitch and complain about being tired until I get 8 hours of sleep and don't get asked for something the second I sit down, just like you! #NoSleepNoNice

•  If you do not help me clean the house, do not complain about it not being spotless.  #CallTheMerryMaids

• Now that we have a baby, if you want a four-course meal every night for dinner, I suggest you buy a cookbook. #ChefBoyRDad

• He is a baby, he needs constant attention. You cannot play on your computer or watch TV and expect him to sit quietly and watch! #ByeByePlaystation

• Talking to our son and stimulating him before bedtime is the same as asking for a deathwish. #YouWillPay #ShutIt  

• Of course, I love you. Our son just needs a lot of attention right now.  I’m trying to pay attention to you, too, however, you are a big boy and can feed yourself and wipe your own ass.   #YoureNotMyOnlyChildAnymore

Think You're Ready For Children? Take This Test To Find Out

I wish I could take credit for the following 11 Lessons In Being a Parent, but some other genius came up with it. I have a feeling, however, that every single parent will agree, all 11 lessons are oh-so-true.  A good mommy friend emailed this to me this morning, and I had to share. It's Friday, let's laugh! 

To all the pre-parents reading this, beware, this shit is for real! 


Lesson 1

1. Go to the grocery store.
2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
3. Go home. look around. Now picture every square inch of floor covered in toys with cartoons blaring in the background
4. Pick up the paper.
5. Read it for the last time.

Lesson 2

Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are parents and berate them about their...
1. Methods of discipline.
2. Lack of patience.
3. Appallingly low tolerance levels.
4. Allowing their children to run wild.
5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's breast feeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior. Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the answers.

Lesson 3

A really good way to discover how the nights might feel...
1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. (Eat cold food with one hand for dinner)
2. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.
3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM.
4. Set the alarm for 3AM.
5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink and watch an infomercial.
6. Go to bed at 2:45AM.
7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.
9. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work hard and be productive)

Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful and together.

Lesson 4

Can you stand the mess children make? To find out...
1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.
2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.
4. Then rub them on the clean walls.
5. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.
6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?

Lesson 5

Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.
1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out.

Time allowed for this - all morning.

Lesson 6

Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don't think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that.
1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.
2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.
3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with your foot.
4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Lesson 7

Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent choice). If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Lesson 8

1. Hollow out a melon.
2. Make a small hole in the side.
3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.
4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.
5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.
6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air.

You are now ready to feed a nine- month-old baby.

Lesson 9

Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street , Barney, Disney, the Teletubbies, and Pokemon. Watch nothing else on TV but PBS, the Disney channel or Noggin for at least five years. (I know, you're thinking What's 'Noggin'?) Exactly the point.

Lesson 10

Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying 'mommy' repeatedly. (Important: no more than a four second delay between each 'mommy'; occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Lesson 11

Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve, or elbow while playing the 'mommy' tape made from Lesson 10 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.




I'm baaaacccckkkk!  If you're anything like me, after reading the eleven-lessons, you are wiping the laughter-induced tears from your eyes. Share this with your friends, both those who do and don't have kids, not only will they get a good laugh, this post is a stellar reminder that a sense of humor is one of the most important things you'll need when you become a parent.

The First-Timer's Guide To Week 1: Let The Hazing Begin

Truth be told, I barely remember the first week of motherhood. I was doped up from the c-section, nursing around the clock, hardly eating and barely sleeping. Thankfully, below are a few of the things I felt were important during the first week...

If you're just joining the blog, this post is a part of series of a book I'm writing, The First-Timer's Guide To Not Feeling Like A Parenting Failure: If you're not freaking out about being a horrible parent and second guessing yourself, you're doing it all wrong. 

 February 9, 2012: Seven days into being a new parent.

1. While I wish delivered via natural childbirth, the bright side to the c-section (in addition to my son and I surviving delivery) we had four glorious days in the hospital. Those four days provided us with nurses, a nursery, a lactation consultant, a cook, a drug dispenser, doctors and most of all answers to all of our questions. Even though we truly needed a month,  those four days gave us a supervised crash course in caring for our brand new baby human. Including things as simple as dressing his sweet, fragile body. The hubs and I were so scared, we called the nurse in to help us get his little onesie on after doing our first solo parent changing. We were sure we were going to break him getting him dressed.

2. SURPRISE! A newborn loses weight once they are born. I swear I never read that in any of those damn perfect baby books. My son went from 8.4 pounds to 7.8 pounds before we left the hospital. FYI: Newborns can lose up to 10% of their birth weight without it being an issue.

3. Babies crap more than grown men after an all-you-can-eat buffet. At least, my baby does. I'm not sure how, but he pumps that black tar crap out by the bucket full. Oh, how I wish I had a picture of my husband's mortified face the first time he saw the black tar flow from his son's bum. #Magic

4. Silly me, I thought breastfeeding was this beautiful act of nature. Holyfu*k, how wrong I was. Miserable, painful, exhausting, frustrating and hard is more like it. Every day I have to tell myself, "one more day, then I can give him formula is I want. So far, the little man has only had breastmilk. From me. Bottles and pacifiers are not happening.

5. It's possible to survive seven days without sleeping seven hours total. It's not pretty, but it can be done. (Think: Walking Dead Zombie.)

6. Babies are professional hazers. The parent initiation process is painful, so watch out. You can expect no sleep, cold meals, 2-minute showers, SIDS-induced debilitating anxiety, and much more!  You seriously have to earn your stripes, the hard way, every step of the way.

7. When you see your child smile for the first time, don't listen to the doctor or nurse that, "It's really, Gas." It ruins it. I know the way my son looks at me when he smiles. He definitely is smiling because he likes us, or at the very least, finds us amusing. Gas? My ass.

8. Babies need three general things; A full belly, dry nappy and sleep. If Baby has all three, he will be tear free. Also, when Baby is crying, ALWAYS check all three before freaking out. And what ever you do, NEVER put Baby to sleep without first making sure his diaper is dry as a bone. Nothing sucks more than him waking five minutes later because he's cold and wet.

9. Speaking of pee, ATTENTION PARENTS OF BOYS, always make sure the proverbial fire hose is pointed down during changings and stays that way in the diaper.Think: Off position. Otherwise, you'll have leaks out of the top of the nappy, every freaking time! It's embarrassing how long it took the hubs and me to figure that out.

10. A newborn can, and will, sleep up to 22 hours a day. Seriously. But don't get excited, the sick twist in that is baby sleeps for more than 2-4 hour stretches. This goes back to the constant feeding, changing and napping.

11.  If you are going to breastfeed, get used to having an audience, especially at the hospital. Have been to New Orleans eight times, and never once showed my ta-tas. I have a baby and the next thing I know, I'm flashing total strangers, family and even the person who brings the food at meal times. It's  a mom-instinct thing when baby needs to eat, you will oblige, and innocent bystanders will watch. Thankfully, I brought a nursing blanket cover-up to the hospital with me and covered myself when the door to my maternity room would open.

12. Mothers instinct is very real and shows up quickly! By the end of the first week, I was waking up 5-20 minutes before he would wake for a feeding.  It's amazing how it all works. The only problem I have is listening to my instinct. Please learn from my mistakes and go with your gut!

13. Newborns only can have a sponge bath until the umbilical cord falls off, and at most,  every other day. Cotton balls with warm water are awesome for the face. Beware, those first sponge baths are difficult, and babies HATE being cold. I made the hubs do it, I was so scared my little newborn would slip out of my hands.

14. Newborn's eyes kind of float around at first. It's VERY freaky, but normal. Not knowing this until I Google, "What's wrong with my newborn's eyes, they are floating all over," I kept turning his head and saying, Mommy is right here. I told you I was hopeless! It goes away once the infant has, and can control his eye muscles.

15. From everything I heard, I thought my son was going to be a little eating, sleeping, pooping slug-baby for the first six weeks of his life... Not even! He is filled with sweetness, good smells, smiles, a beautiful face and fingers that already squeeze mine. While there is not a lot of interaction from his side, there is still enough to melt my heart and fill my world with bliss and love!

16. I've been terrified my whole life about becoming a mother. So much so, I never wanted to be a mother. Now, I LOVE being a mommy and wouldn't trade it for anything. This little guy is my world.  There is something so miraculous about growing a baby in your belly, then meeting him for the first time.

NOW: July 25, 2017

Reading that list brought back so many crazy and wonderful memories. Thankfully, being a parent gets easier every day. Looking back, the one thing that sticks out the most is the sleeplessness and feeling like a zombie. Thankfully, it's a phase just like the many I would face over the next five years. If I could say anything to my old self, I would say, just focus on you and baby. Heal, feed, sleep. That's it. No pressure or worries. Your perfect little bundle of joy is going to be just fine, and so are you...

Firework Facts and Tips For A Safe 4th of July Celebration

Now, what kind of a paranoid first-time mom would I be if I didn't post a bunch of safety facts about Fireworks? Crappy.

 So, here goes...

Fireworks by the numbers: According to a 2014 Study Conducted by U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission (“CPSC”)

Of the fireworks-related injuries sustained, 74 percent were to males, and 26 percent were to females.

• Children younger than 15 years of age accounted for 35 percent of the estimated 2014 injuries. Nearly half of the estimated injuries were to individuals younger than 20 years of age.
  
• Children five to nine years had the highest estimated rate of emergency department-treated fireworks-related injuries (5.2 injuries per 100,000 people).
  
• There were an estimated 1,400 emergency department-treated injuries associated with sparklers and 100 with bottle rockets.
  
• There were an estimated 1,400 emergency department-treated injuries associated with firecrackers. Of these, an estimated 26 percent were associated with small firecrackers, an estimated 28 percent with illegal firecrackers, and an estimated 46 percent with firecrackers for which there was no specific information.
  
• The parts of the body most often injured were hands and fingers (an estimated 36 percent); head, face, and ears (an estimated 19 percent); eyes (an estimated 19 percent); legs (an estimated 10 percent); and arms (an estimated 5 percent).
  
• Fifty-four percent of the emergency department-treated injuries were burns. Burns were the most common injury to all parts of the body, except the eyes, where contusions, lacerations, and foreign bodies in the eyes occurred more frequently.
  
• Approximately 83 percent of the victims were treated at the hospital emergency department and then released. An estimated 14 percent of patients were treated and transferred to another hospital or admitted to the hospital. 
  

Source: National Council On Firework Safety 

In 2011, fireworks caused an estimated 17,800 reported fires, including 1,200 total structure fires, 400 vehicle fires, and 16,300 outside and other fires. These fires resulted in an estimated eight reported civilian deaths, 40 civilian injuries and $32 million in direct property damage.

Source: National Council On Firework Safety 

On July 4th, in a typical year, far more U.S. fires are reported than on any other day, and fireworks account for two out of five of those fires, more than any other cause of fires.

In 2013, U.S. hospital emergency rooms treated an estimated 11,400 people for fireworks related injuries; 55% of those injuries were to the extremities and 38% were to the head.

Source: National Council On Firework Safety 

The risk of fireworks injury is highest for young people ages 0-4, followed by children 10-14.

SCARY!!!! 

Here are a few tips to keep you and your family from being one of those statistics...

Sparklers are the leading cause of injuries to children.

• Parents and caretakers should always closely supervise teens if they are using fireworks.
• Parents should not allow young children to handle or use fireworks.
• Fireworks should only be used outdoors.
• Always have water ready if you are using fireworks.(I have the hose on and a bucket of water close by.)
• Know your fireworks; Read the caution label before igniting.
• Obey local laws. If fireworks are not legal where you live, do not use them.
• Alcohol and fireworks do not mix. Save your alcohol for after the show.
• Wear safety glasses whenever using fireworks.
• Only light one firework at a time.
• Never relight a “dud” firework.  Wait 20 minutes and then soak it in a bucket of water.
• Avoid using homemade fireworks or illegal explosives: They can kill you!
• Report illegal explosives, like M-80s and quarter sticks, to the fire or police department.
• Lastly, soak spent fireworks with water before placing them in an outdoor, fire resistant garbage can away from buildings and flammable materials.
• For more information on Fire Work Safety visit the, National Council On Firework Safety. 

Ok, and for those out there that need a scare tactic to keep them from being a dumbass with a firework: (Source: "CPSC")

On July 4, a 44-year-old male from Michigan was killed when a mortar shell firework exploded. According to witnesses, the victim and his friends had a barbecue and set off fireworks during the evening. The victim initially set the launching tube on the cement ground and launched three shells successfully. Then the victim decided to launch the fourth shell while holding the launch tube with his arms extended and the tube pointed in an upward angle. The tube blew up from the back and hit the victim directly in the chest. The victim was knocked backward about 8 to 10 feet and flew into the fence, and he died shortly after the explosion. The medical examiner’s office found the base plug from the tube deep inside the victim’s chest. The plug appeared to be made of clay and measured 1- 7/8" in diameter and was 2-1/8" tall. The officials were unable to determine if a consumer mortar shell or a display shell was used. 

Moral of the story: DON'T HOLD THE BLOODY FIREWORK PEOPLE!!!!!!

And last, GREAT news for the environmentally conscious, (Which is hopefully everyone): 

Some groups have already found substitutes for barium compounds and potassium perchlorate. By replacing chlorine with iodine, a team at the U.S. Army’s Pyrotechnics Technology and Prototyping Division found that sodium and potassium periodate are both safe and effective oxidizers. The same group also found success replacing barium with boron. The work is aimed at making more environmentally friendly flares for military use, but could also be applied to civilian fireworks. Some fireworks that use nitrogen-rich compounds in place of perchlorates have been used in small displays, but the challenge is making eco-friendly products as cheap as alternatives.


From my family to yours, we wish you a safe and wonderful Independence Day!

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