First-Timer's Guide

The First-Timer's Guide To Week 5: Seriously. Smile Already!

Below is the list of observations I made when I was a first-time parent of a 5-week old. In, Blue, I've written my current observations, of those observations. For the record, if it weren't for publishing these lists as I lived them five years ago, I wouldn't remember shit. The first 6-weeks were so hard. So hazy. 



My son is a slug. Still, at 5-weeks he just kind of lays there wiggling.  I want more! I was more afraid at this stage than any. My son was this delicate neckless chub ball. SIDS fears were constant.

I'm seeing a little personality coming through but not much. I'm really starting to crave some feedback. Well, the kind of feedback that is not in the form of screaming! This stage of new parenting is so hard. You give so much and get pretty much nothing in return. Call me selfish, but I was tired, hungry, riddled with PPD and I needed a friggin' smile! 

When he's hungry it's clear--Full-on screaming and rooting for booby.  Five years later, the screaming is still a huge sign. no more booby rooting tough. ; )

He's totally into strange objects and bright colors. This is one thing the parenting books got right. Babies love shapes and bright colors. Dangling crap over my newborn was the only way to see the little guy inside.

 I'm fat, tired, hormonal and sick of breastfeeding. I keep telling myself, tomorrow I can start formula, I just have to survive today. Not having any formula in the house helps. Not gonna lie, I felt that way for six months! I grew a human in my body. That's some serious shit. I wish I would have been easier on myself about getting back in my pre-pregnancy pants. Most of all, dealt with my PPD, sooner.

Did I mention there's still no smile? I know that smile is supposed to come soon. Every morning I go into his crib and give him a big smile and my sweetest voice hoping to get the, yay it's mommy smile, but still nothing yet. Boo!!! He does turn his head to our voices and focuses in on our faces, but dammit I WANT THAT SMILE!!! I keep talking to him hoping to see that smile meant just for me. #Obsessed

I keep telling myself to embrace his little slug-like qualities. I know I need to hold on to each moment because they go so fast. I'm just a shit I suppose. Dad thinks he gets little half smiles and we certainly get "gas smiles" regularly. Which, I still don't understand, if he knows how to smile, why won't he do it for me? How can passing gas be more wonderful than mommy?? Geez!!

Oh well, maybe tomorrow...

For now, I will just continue slobbering all over his face, feet, and hands like a mommy slug.

For the record, He smiled a few days later.  

NOTE:  I used this list, and the other lists both FTD and I made each week during the first year of our son's life to guide to each chapter of my upcoming book, The First-Timer's Guide To Not Feeling Like A Parenting Failure: You and your baby week-by-week. The book is about the insanity, fear, anxiety, trials and triumphs of being a First-Time Parent. The Postpartum depression, mind, body and soul changes... relationship rollercoaster from hell, partner struggles... It's not just about your child the first year, it's about you and your partner, too! This book can be read by both men and women since both FTD and I wrote it!  If you would like an email notification when The First-Timer's Guide To Not Feeling Like A Parenting Failure,  is published, sign up below! (Available Mid-Nov 2017!)



The First-Timer's Guide: Your Baby Week 4



I am so thankful that I wrote this blog regularly through the newborn phase because I don't remember shit! Well, I remember being tired AF, annoyed that everytime I sat down to eat the baby would wake up, and... um... yeah. That's all. OH! No... wanting to give up on nursing so bad--I told myself that tomorrow I could stop. It worked to get me through the day. Every day.
Below are the actual thoughts and experiences from being a first-time parent at 4-weeks old. And, yes, of course, the Aussie and his ridiculous observations of a first-time dad of a 4-week old baby.
Observations of a first-time mom of a 4-week old baby: My observation today, looking back, in this color! 

 1. Parenting is the hardest thing I've ever done. Even harder than passing calculous and getting over my first broken heart combined. 
--Still is! Nothing can prepare you for the insane anxiety, fear and hard work involved with being a parent. Enjoy the easy moments, because the hard ones suck! 

 2. Baby likes bath! Granted he screams on the way into the bath and on the way out, but once he's in he's a happy bathing baby boy! 
--I was so afraid of doing the baths. I made the Aussie do it. I kept imagining my little slug of a baby slipping out of my hands. To this day, the Aussie still does 90% of bathtime.

 3. Running water will stop my son from crying on cue! I know this because I nearly took video for YouTube. Water on, all quiet. Water off, not quiet.  OooH!  I forgot about this! It totally worked! We downloaded a sound machine app with running water to help him chill out in the car too! 

 4. An overtired baby is quite possibly the closest to the end of the world I've ever gotten. 
--Still is! A sleepy kid is the same thing as feeding a gremlin after Midnight, AVOID AT ALL COSTS! Though I have to admit, I am still the same too. No sleep and I'm all kinds of bitchy. Maybe this overtired business never wears off...

 5. I have no idea what the date, day or time is because it doesn't matter anymore. My son keeps the time for both of us... Feeding time, diaper time, nap time, bath time... Mommy swallow dinner whole time... Amazing. All my son does is eat, sleep and pee, yet it is a full-time job keeping up with it all.
--HAHAHAHAHA! Ohmigosh I was wrapped! Proud to say this is not the same today. Mommy makes the rules and routine! 

 6. I was wrong, I can survive on little to no sleep, and so can daddy. I don't mean he can also survive on little sleep, I mean I haven't killed him yet for getting more sleep than me. 
--HAHAHAHA!!!  I did end up threatening his life when I got tired of waking up both weekend days. That is shit. Both parents deserve to sleep in! 

 7. When my son screams it feels like getting punched in the stomach. It's so hard to hear it, and I really do feel a pain in my belly. Sucks! No cry-it-out happening over here. 
To this day when my son cries from pain or illness, I feel a physical pain in my heart. It;s got to be some sort of mom-thing. Like an invisible umbilical cord is still attached. 

 8. I've heard a breastfed baby's dirty diapers smell way better than a formula fed baby's or that the smell of a breastfed baby's diaper is "sweet." Compared to what? Baby elephant shit on top of the city dump? My son's diapers are rank. How to formula parents not throw up at every diaper change? 
--So, shit is shit. It stinks. I don't care what you feed your baby.

9. I've learned how to lay in bed and breastfeed! It's the greatest thing I learned how to do during week 4. I read about the position, and by the second try, we had it. High five baby Ollie! Now every morning daddy brings Ollie to me, I feed, daddy comes back to get Ollie, and I go back to sleep. Yes! Yes! Yes!
--We never co-slept, but having daddy delivery service at 4am changed my day, I was finally getting close to 4-5 solid hours of sleep! 

10 I sometimes get super hot and sweat when breastfeeding. It's usually during one of our 40 minute plus sittings. It's kind of gross, definitely uncomfortable and when it's over I drink a gallon of water. Hmm, I suppose it's similar to Zumba class where everyone knows what they are doing except me.
--For the record, I didn't lose massive amounts of weight breastfeeding. In fact, I didn't lose much at all. Still, nursing my son was one of the most rewarding achievements of my life. 

11. I have nearly mastered dressing my son. If your baby is anything like mine, you have 1.4 seconds to get the outfit on before the screams if annoyance starts barreling out at you. Ollie would happily be a naked baby all day.  Which, I packed up the "newborn" clothes since he's already too big for them, and it made me cry. Possibly tears from raging hormones, too.
--Oh, the raging hormones... ugh. I forgot about those, too.Actually, "blacked them out" would be more accurate.  My son still grows full sizes overnight. At 8 months old he skipped two shoe sizes! He went from 6 to 8.5! I learned to buy ONLY what clothes he needed because he grows through everything so quickly. 

 12. Holding my son close and letting him fall to sleep on my chest is my favorite. There's nothing I love doing more in this world! 

 Awww. So true. I love that little monster! Still, at 5-years-old holding him close makes my heart smile and my whole body fills with the best feeling of love and thankfulness. Being a parent is hard as hell, but so friggin' rewarding and special. 

 And now, for the Aussie's list. WARNING: The man is NOT RIGHT! Not. At. All. He is, however, the best damn dad I've ever met. 
Observations of a first-time dad of a 4-week old baby:

1. The scariest moment so far - Only a few hours after the birth and I was informed by a rather smug nurse that the little fella needed a diaper change. My nerves were building, the sweat was dripping! After all ...this was my first EVER unaided diaper change. I prepared myself mentally, slowly peeled back the innocent yellow tabs and witnessed a horrifying sight...thick black pasty Vegemite evil shit! I was stunned and thought that satan had popped the sump-plug on my son's ass. I backed away in horror, retching and ran back to the safety of my Pepsi-max bottle. Of course, I heard the nurses giggling and laughing like hyenas and worked out that this was some bizarre natural joke from mother-nature but what I witnessed that day will be etched in my mind for years to come! New Dads BE Prepared for the Satan-Shit!

2. DO NOT assume that because the baby is OUT, your partner will return to a normal state of mind instantly! We have all witnessed acts of ridiculous anger, crying and general stupidity over the past few months as our wives or girlfriends have grown in size. This is attributed to the so-called "baby-brain" - whatever! Sadly my brothers...it doesn't get any better when the nugget slops out! When your baby vomits on mummy, it's YOUR fault because the TV's too loud! If the titty-milk isn't flowing it's because YOU didn't get the mail from the mailbox! Uh Oh...baby's crying again - DADDY forgot to unload the dishwasher! Awesome!

3. First walk in the "baby Bjorn" chest-carrying device down to the local shops. The feeling of pride and happiness soon turns to a grimacing nightmare of discomfort as you are greeted by EVERY bloody person in the street wanting to touch, squeeze, goo-goo, poke or harass the poor little bugger! The Ohhhhh's and Ahhhhh's from random people grind away at the mind after a few minutes, and you quickly begin to scan the streets for camouflage opportunities - not unlike a seasoned military soldier in Iraq, ducking and weaving down the street until you can beat a hasty retreat back to the safety of your house.

 4. The first time you hear the word Daddy, Father or Parent in a formal sense! Hits you like a ton of bricks when you're trying to figure out your taxes, birth certificate, credit card application or doing an online survey! YES...you really are a dad now! Bejesus!

5. lack of sleep! This is a perfect opportunity to take advantage of the early morning advertisements on cable. In the last month, I've been held captive with the ramblings of coked-up hyper men and women trying to sell the most bizarre devices and inventions ever known to man. From "handyman in a can" rubber spray to "Magic Jack" with the digeridoos playing in the background, "The Rack" with the oiled up dude flicking about his geriatric walker or what about the seemingly endless supply of $20 "unique" buffalo coins clad in 0.36c of 24k pure gold? The only thing that actually held my interest is the NEW oxy-clean wash which claims to remove ANY stain including my son's poops!

The First-Timer's Parenting Guide To Week 3- Gassy Ass Smiles Are The Best



Ah, the third week of parenting. The haze is still thick. Sleep is still, nil. Your little bundle of joy is still a chubby slug. While eye contact can be fleeting, those sweet gassy-ass smiles are the best. Until, of course, the gas starts ragging and you have a miserable baby filled with a fart bubble. That's right, just keep bicycling those little chubby drumsticks until the gas passes.

Mamma of a 3-week old, I do not envy you. It's a strange place to be. SIDS is keeping you up, which sucks since you're barely sleeping already. If you're nursing your nipples are probably hanging on by a shred and bandaid. If your bottle feeding, the sink is overflowing, and powder is covering every surface in your kitchen. Oh, and, you're most likely second-guessing the shit out of yourself. And those hormones... fu*k.

Dad of a 3-week old, according to my husband's list below, the struggle is real for you, too.

Below you will find our actual observations as 3-week old parents. And a few new observations about the observations in blue...


 Mom's List

1.  My son is 21 days old today! It really does feel like yesterday that I gave birth to him. I suppose it does go by really fast... (Holy shit does it ever!!! My guy is 5.5 yrs old, and it still feels like yesterday, I was here... Ok, maybe not yesterday, but sure as hell, not five years!!)

 2. Thank you, gas drops! My poor son has the worst time passing gas. It’s been awful. He will be in a deep sleep and cry out in a blood-curdling scream. The doctor said to give him gas drops, and it has made a HUGE difference. (Gas drops and bicycling his legs while he was on his back was the saving grace combo for us. Worked every time!)

3.  The MINUTE my lunch or dinner is hot and ready, he wakes up. It's inevitable, I don't know how, but it's like he knows when mommy wants to eat. (I don't know what the hell that was all about, but I don't think I ate a truly fresh hot meal for six-months!)

4.  I've got this breastfeeding thing down now... of course I still have a few latching issues here and there, but 21 days in, I can feed my son! (Stick with it, mamma. It smooths out, becomes second nature, and both of you will be so much better for it. Get a lactation coach if you don't already have one. Mine, was the key to my success.)

5.  I read that when breastfeeding, you should watch your baby and not the clock. That was hard until I read that breastfeeding is also a time for the mother to relax, rest and meditate. Now, I do just that. Maybe that's why breastfeeding has gotten so much better? I shut my eyes, relax my shoulders and try to focus on my breath and my body relaxing. It is very nice and has made a huge difference in my mood. (DO THIS! I would think about my plan for the next day, things I wanted to write about, grocery lists... Use this quiet time wisely, and you will come to really enjoy it.)

6.  It's true, if your newborn is crying it's probably one of three things, 1.Hungry 2. Tired 3. Wet. Here is another learn from me moment-- Just because I just fed him and changed him an hour ago, it doesn't mean he doesn't need both again. My poor son cried for 10 minutes straight the other night because I was sure it wasn't because he was hungry, I was sure he was just tired, or worse was getting Colic. I called my sister and said, "HELP ME!" She said, ALWAYS check in this order- Wet-Hungry-Tired, every time! Sure enough, he was hungry. Oh, it broke my heart that I let him cry for no reason. (Damn parenting books. I tried to follow them. All say "feed on a schedule" HORSESHIT! Feed your child when he's hungry.)

7.  The routine is emerging. Of course, it revolves around sleeping and eating,  but we have playtime in between daytime feedings, i.e., tummy time, swing and bouncy chair with flashy fun toys. Then bath between 7pm-9pm, feeding and once I put him down at night there is NO, and I mean No (Dads this one is for you) NO STIMULATING THE BABY!! No eye contact, talking, nothing. It is hard to do, but I know if I, or daddy, does stimulate him, he will not go back to sleep after a feeding. Let me just tell you, That SUCKS! (Getting baby on the day/night schedule is crucial for the well-being of all involved. I cannot stress enough the no stimulation factor. ZERO eye-contact. Or, stay up all night. Whatever.)

8.  An overtired or over-stimulated baby is, well, a bitch! It's very difficult to get them to calm down once they hit this point. (Holycrappers. That is an understatement. When your baby shows signs of overstimulation, STOP! It's so hard to bring them back to a middle ground. It's still try for my 5-year-old. These little minds are absorbing so much, they need to pull back to process the info and be calm)

9. Oh, I love my son! I love holding him and smelling him and chewing on his feet and hands, slobbering on his face, giving him nose to nose kisses, squeezing him, and most of all holding him close and telling him how much I love him. It is amazing to have a human that I can love and hold and call my own… (Aww, nothing has changed. I still do and love all of those things. We sure are blessed. Even if the little shits drive us crazy sometimes!)

 10. It's not gas, it's LOVE!  I don't care what the doctor says, those aren't all gassy-ass smiles. My bay is smiling at me. Or laughing. Or both.  (I later realized, he was totally luaghing at me through thos gassy-ass smiles.)


DAD's List (Reminder: Dad is Australian. And nuts. And still in trouble for 5-7 on the list.)

1. Don't sign up for "free" baby crap unless you need it or you'll get mystery emails and SMS's from twats at all hours. “Sell your gold,” “buy a car,” “win a holiday” etc., etc.! They tell you to send "STOP" back to their number. Get some satisfaction by sending "STOP you FU*King Spamming USELESS TWATS.

2. If you've followed the advice of lactation consultants and other experts by now, you'll have a freezer with ice cubes of titty milk. Keep them away from the regular ice unless you like titty-milk scotch!


3. Don't get roped into doing family photo shoots by a professional photographer - the shame of the poor kid when he's 21 will be unbearable! Nobody wants to see a poster sized pic of your kid wearing a fireman's hat while sitting in a watermelon! Lame!



4. Never too early to sell the crap baby gifts that you'll never need or clothes that don't fit anymore. Take this opportunity to flog off all the ridiculous outfits that the mother-in-law / whacky friend buys (the wife will never notice) Reclaim some beer money.



5. On your first trip to babies-r-us with the baby in tow...stand out from the crowd by looking angry and complain to the sales girl that you wanna trade your baby in for another one because the one you have is broken!



6. When the baby cries at 4 am...simply pretend that you're fast asleep! After a few minutes, the wife will go and sort it out anyway. Works every time!



7. Take a shitty diaper out of the trash and leave it near the change table. The next time he needs a change just tell the wife that you did the last one and point it out to her. Sorted!



Holyshit, that man is not right. Not then. Not now. Most likely, not ever. He's also the best dad and husband, ever. 


The good news is that we survived and our son is a thriving badass. The better news,  keep going First-Timers, the best is yet to come...


NOTE: This is the third sneak peek of my upcoming book, The First-Timer's Guide To Not Feeling Like A Parenting Failure: The First Year.  (Coming Nov. 2017) I've used many of the posts found in this blog to write the book, including comments from readers! This book is for the first-timer freaking out about being a parenting failure. This parenting shit is hard. And the truth is if you're freaking out and second guessing yourself, that's a sure sign that you are an amazing parent.  My book will confirm that tenfold. To be notified when the book is available for download/print, follow my Author Facebook Page, April the Writer, here! I'll be giving free downloads away for the holidays!
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The First-Timer's Guide To Week 2- Trading Your Soul To The Devil For Sleep

Today's post is a treat for both Mom's and Dad's!  The wild Australian has given his week two lessons in his usual ridiculous fashion!



 Mom's top ten list

1. Just when I thought I could not get anymore tired... Surprise, I can! I can even function in some strange sort of way on only two consecutive hours of sleep. Granted function means, feed baby, feed me, bathe baby, bathe me. If I did anything else during week two I don't remember.

2.The older and bigger my son gets, the stronger the stream and further the reach of his fire hose.
3. Breastfeeding gets easier in the second week. However, it still is not fun, awesome, or easy. My nipples are still sore little mountains of shreded pain. But, I can see how maybe with time and practice breastdeeding will not suck.

4. Now that my husband and I have changed 44 poopy diapers each, we yell "not it" when the time comes for changing. There is no more Mr. Nice guy in my house. If we could train the cat to change the baby we would. Hell if we could train the baby to use the litter box, that would be epic!

5. While it's becoming more of a chore to shower and eat everyday, I do feel 250% better every time I do. Everyday I force myself to do it, even if it is right before I go to bed at night.

6. If I don't eat I try to kill my husband with words and dirty looks.

7. Unfortunately, I am falling back into that frustration and annoyance with my husband that I harbored during pregnancy. I'm working on it... he doesn't deserve it. I'm just jealous that he gets to sleep at night.

8.My son hates sponge baths! He screams and yells and wants his clothes back on STAT! I feel so bad hearing him scream and cry, but all I can think is that if I don't he will have an itchy booty and then he will really be mad at me.

9. I know why we get 6-8 weeks for maternity leave... thanks to the sleep deprivation, crappy diet and constantly feeding baby, there is no way on earth we could accomplish anything that requires serious brain power.

10. My son gets more adorable everyday and I miss him when I am not holding him. I LOVE being a Mom!!!

Dad's top ten list

1. Discover the "Baby Aisle" in the supermarket and buy crap that you will never need just cause it's 4am - Handy hint! - It's usually near the feminine hygiene products and the other useless aisle that nobody goes to with all the health foods.

2. When the diaper containment unit is full...put your hand in a plastic bag and "Fist" those diapers down until you have more room. Feels nice like a giant squishy stress ball.
3. Remember to check your back and shoulders in a mirror before going into public...1 in 5 chance of a big streak of baby spew that you forgot about from earlier in the day is crusted on like a dirty great bird-shit.

4. Diapers have a numbering system apparently...N means "newborn" not "night-time" and 1, 2, 3, means months...not years - smartarses!

5. Follow the wife around and check that the seventy or so electronic swings, mats, pads, sleepers, bouncers, light-show thingos etc etc are in the OFF position when she's done with them so you can minimize the weekly battery budget from $100 to $10.

6. When changing your son and he's naked between diapers THEN he starts to whizz and dump at the same time...quickly put the shitty old diaper back on and don't waste the new one!

7. When the wife has gone somewhere for an hour or so, take the baby into the bathroom and leave it on the mat in front of you while you take a dump. It's probably not 100% hygienic but the sense of revenge is very satisfying.

8. Forget about the Playstation3...it is DEAD to you...probably forever! Don't even bother thinking about it. Your wife is itching to explode in fury if you even glance at the controller AND then you'll have to listen to the "you don't see ME playing games" lecture ! Whewww!

9. The myth of babies having soft heads is bullshit! When burping watch out for the casual head-butt...trust me...that head can loosen a tooth!

10. Have fun when buying your wife suppositries, an enema kit and other sundry anal products...I enjoy watching the check-out chicks' faces when I slam them on the conveyor-belt...grimace, groan and then slowly plop an obscenely large cucumber, pineapple or summer sausage down then give 'em a cheeky wink!

The First-Timer's Guide To Week 1: Let The Hazing Begin


Truth be told, I barely remember the first week of motherhood. I was doped up from the c-section, nursing around the clock, hardly eating and barely sleeping. Thankfully, below are a few of the things I felt were important during the first week...



 February 9, 2012: Seven days into being a new parent.

1. While I wish delivered via natural childbirth, the bright side to the c-section (in addition to my son and I surviving delivery) we had four glorious days in the hospital. Those four days provided us with nurses, a nursery, a lactation consultant, a cook, a drug dispenser, doctors and most of all answers to all of our questions. Even though we truly needed a month,  those four days gave us a supervised crash course in caring for our brand new baby human. Including things as simple as dressing his sweet, fragile body. The hubs and I were so scared, we called the nurse in to help us get his little onesie on after doing our first solo parent changing. We were sure we were going to break him getting him dressed.

2. SURPRISE! A newborn loses weight once they are born. I swear I never read that in any of those damn perfect baby books. My son went from 8.4 pounds to 7.8 pounds before we left the hospital. FYI: Newborns can lose up to 10% of their birth weight without it being an issue.

3. Babies crap more than grown men after an all-you-can-eat buffet. At least, my baby does. I'm not sure how, but he pumps that black tar crap out by the bucket full. Oh, how I wish I had a picture of my husband's mortified face the first time he saw the black tar flow from his son's bum. #Magic

4. Silly me, I thought breastfeeding was this beautiful act of nature. Holyfu*k, how wrong I was. Miserable, painful, exhausting, frustrating and hard is more like it. Every day I have to tell myself, "one more day, then I can give him formula is I want. So far, the little man has only had breastmilk. From me. Bottles and pacifiers are not happening.

5. It's possible to survive seven days without sleeping seven hours total. It's not pretty, but it can be done. (Think: Walking Dead Zombie.)

6. Babies are professional hazers. The parent initiation process is painful, so watch out. You can expect no sleep, cold meals, 2-minute showers, SIDS-induced debilitating anxiety, and much more!  You seriously have to earn your stripes, the hard way, every step of the way.

7. When you see your child smile for the first time, don't listen to the doctor or nurse that, "It's really, Gas." It ruins it. I know the way my son looks at me when he smiles. He definitely is smiling because he likes us, or at the very least, finds us amusing. Gas? My ass.

8. Babies need three general things; A full belly, dry nappy and sleep. If Baby has all three, he will be tear free. Also, when Baby is crying, ALWAYS check all three before freaking out. And what ever you do, NEVER put Baby to sleep without first making sure his diaper is dry as a bone. Nothing sucks more than him waking five minutes later because he's cold and wet.

9. Speaking of pee, ATTENTION PARENTS OF BOYS, always make sure the proverbial fire hose is pointed down during changings and stays that way in the diaper.Think: Off position. Otherwise, you'll have leaks out of the top of the nappy, every freaking time! It's embarrassing how long it took the hubs and me to figure that out.

10. A newborn can, and will, sleep up to 22 hours a day. Seriously. But don't get excited, the sick twist in that is baby sleeps for more than 2-4 hour stretches. This goes back to the constant feeding, changing and napping.

11.  If you are going to breastfeed, get used to having an audience, especially at the hospital. Have been to New Orleans eight times, and never once showed my ta-tas. I have a baby and the next thing I know, I'm flashing total strangers, family and even the person who brings the food at meal times. It's  a mom-instinct thing when baby needs to eat, you will oblige, and innocent bystanders will watch. Thankfully, I brought a nursing blanket cover-up to the hospital with me and covered myself when the door to my maternity room would open.

12. Mothers instinct is very real and shows up quickly! By the end of the first week, I was waking up 5-20 minutes before he would wake for a feeding.  It's amazing how it all works. The only problem I have is listening to my instinct. Please learn from my mistakes and go with your gut!

13. Newborns only can have a sponge bath until the umbilical cord falls off, and at most,  every other day. Cotton balls with warm water are awesome for the face. Beware, those first sponge baths are difficult, and babies HATE being cold. I made the hubs do it, I was so scared my little newborn would slip out of my hands.

14. Newborn's eyes kind of float around at first. It's VERY freaky, but normal. Not knowing this until I Google, "What's wrong with my newborn's eyes, they are floating all over," I kept turning his head and saying, Mommy is right here. I told you I was hopeless! It goes away once the infant has, and can control his eye muscles.

15. From everything I heard, I thought my son was going to be a little eating, sleeping, pooping slug-baby for the first six weeks of his life... Not even! He is filled with sweetness, good smells, smiles, a beautiful face and fingers that already squeeze mine. While there is not a lot of interaction from his side, there is still enough to melt my heart and fill my world with bliss and love!

16. I've been terrified my whole life about becoming a mother. So much so, I never wanted to be a mother. Now, I LOVE being a mommy and wouldn't trade it for anything. This little guy is my world.  There is something so miraculous about growing a baby in your belly, then meeting him for the first time.

NOW: July 25, 2017

Reading that list brought back so many crazy and wonderful memories. Thankfully, being a parent gets easier every day. Looking back, the one thing that sticks out the most is the sleeplessness and feeling like a zombie. Thankfully, it's a phase just like the many I would face over the next five years. If I could say anything to my old self, I would say, just focus on you and baby. Heal, feed, sleep. That's it. No pressure or worries. Your perfect little bundle of joy is going to be just fine, and so are you...

The First-Timer's Guide To Not Feeling Like A Parenting Failure




It's so hard for me to believe my son is five-and-a-half. I remember bits and pieces of the first two years, but the last three have been a fast-paced growing, learning and blossoming blur. And, well, maybe a few memory blackouts to preserve my sanity--the toddler years were, so fu*king insane at times, rough.

I say it all the time, being a first-time parent is some scary, miraculous, out-of-this-world sh!t. The overflowing love between parent and child is unexplainable. The fear is heart-stopping. The is-my-baby-ok paranoia is all consuming. Every single milestone and phase never cease to blow your mind.

No doubt about it, being a parent is such an amazing journey filled with many, many trials and triumphs. Lucky for me, almost all of those trials and triumphs have been recorded on this blog. On occasion, I go back and read through a few of the posts from the first few years of motherhood and laugh at myself. Oh, how confused, naive and lovestruck I was through most all of it.

But what the first-time parent isn't?

There is no such thing as the perfect parent or foolproof guide to being a parent. There never will be for one simple, undeniable reason; every child is different with different needs, likes, dislikes, preferences, and abilities at various ages. There is no blanket cure for colic, sleeping through the night, calming, rocking, swaddling or changing. Which brings me to the only predictable thing about being a parent, it takes a whole lot of trial and error and loads of forgiveness for yourself, partner and child.

Now that I'm finishing up my pregnancy book, The First-Timer's Guide To Pregnancy: It's totally normal to freak out and dream of clawing your partners face off. I'm beginning the book I'm most excited to start, The First-Timer's Guide To Not Feeling Like A Parenting Failure: If You're not freaking out about being a horrible parent and second guessing yourself, you're doing it all wrong.

The struggle for balance is real. For every parent.

Over the next few months, to compile the content for the new book, I'm going through the first three years of blog posts to pull out the best and worst moments, milestones, phases, fails, trials, triumphs. I plan to not only use them in the book, but take myself down memory lane and see what I would say to my new-mother self if I could go back. What would I do differently? Will I feel better about the decisions I second guessed, or will I tell my old self how wrong I was?  Will I be less hard on myself in the future?

Every day, I'll publish a new post going in chronological order with the original post from the early days, when the hubs and I were new parents, then, add my observations five years later-- a seasoned parent with way more confidence and mom-methods. (Note: The usual rants, reviews and current parenting events will be published weekly, too. Back-To-School tips, hacks, budget savers and freak-out posts coming soon. The little man is going into Kindergarten.)

Please, help me make the first ever baby book that primarily focuses on life as a first-time parent and the many emotional ups and downs associated with being a new parent. This is not a book about how to swaddle and bounce baby on the edge of the bed to get her to sleep, this is about the parent and how crazy their new existence is. My goal is to stop newbies from beating themselves up, reinventing the wheel, and feeling alone in this insanely magical journey.

The first year can be such hell if you're on your own, unsupported and/or ultra confused. I want so bad to be the voice that helps those isolated, unsupported and confused parents know they are not alone. Not even close. This shit is hard for everyone! And don't even get me started on Postpartum depression... yet. No doubt that will get a HUGE chapter in My book. After all, PPD made up a huge chapter of my life.

I'll focus week-by-week including all milestones, phases, trials and triumphs I encountered along the way. I hope you'll join me in this trip down memory lane, or better yet, learn from my mistakes! Old parents and parents of multiples and New first-time parents I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to hear from you. All thoughts, tips, tricks and comments will be much appreciated, and who knows, may even end up in the book!

Now, a sneak peek of what's to come. This is my first post... pre-baby and full of facts, ideas, and plans. That soon, for the most part, will be thrown out the window.

Then: January 25, 2012

Hello, Everyone! We are expecting our first child, a boy, on or around February 1, 2012.

I do want to play fair right out of the box by telling you; we are not even a little bit right in the head! We have no idea what we are doing. My husband is a silly Australian who takes very little seriously. I am a Type-A American with loads of unnecessary anxiety.  I expect this blog to be 100% what not to do as a first-time parent.

Please do not come here looking for answers to any child rearing quandaries, unless you are happy reading between the lines of,"Oh no they didn't try that!" and "That poor child has a long 18 years ahead if him," for answers. We are not doctors or professional anythings! I am just a passionate writer who is not afraid to let the world know how goofy my husband and I are.


Now: July 24, 2017

So far, so good. I'm glad to know even back then, I was sure I was going to be hot-ass first-time parent mess. Let the games and the trip down memory lane begin. I hope you will join me!

The First-Timer's Guide To Back-To-School Orientation #EpicFail #Parenting

A couple of days ago, my son had his first ever school orientation. Between FTD, Ollie and I, we managed to make a huge mess of the affair.

As we pulled into the parking lot, FTD started pointing at the people walking in and said, "SEE! I told you we didn't need to dress up, they all have on shorts and flip-flops. And why are they carrying bags full of paper towels? Were we supposed to bring stuff?"

Me: Um... Bring stuff? I don't think so? 


As we turned into the auditorium where the orientation was being held, the place was pin-drop silent except for the principle talking. Apparently, when they say starts at 7pm, they mean it.

Once the principle stopped talking, I made my way to a familiar face and asked why everyone had bags of schools supplies. "You were supposed to download the list and bring the supplies with you." 

Then my friend says, "Can you believe the PTO fees? $75? It's EXTORTION!"

Me: PTO fees? $75? Huh?

Friend: Yeah, they are due today. You can pay by check or cash.

Awesome.

We have not been at this orientation for ten minutes and I've already made my family over dress and be late because of it, interrupt the principle's speech, failed to bring our school supplies AND the PTO extortion check.

What next...

A few minutes later, it's our turn to meet Ollie's teacher, and FTD and Ollie are running around the auditorium like crazies, making it nearly impossible to coral them. When they finally show up, I apologize for them being nuts, and explain that my husband is an Aussie and can't help it. Ollie introduces himself as Darth Vader.

At this point, I'm sure the teacher is thinking W....T.....F...?

I showed up without supplies or the PTO check and two insane children running around the place.

After a few minutes of talking, the two take off while I continue to apologize for them and ask a few more questions.

Before I finish talking with Ollie's teacher, another teacher walks up and introduces herself, and tells me my husband and child are, "too funny!"

Immediately, I think, Crap. What have they done now?

The teacher tells me, Ollie introduced himself at "Darth Vader" and said his dad was "Luke Skywalker. "Though it sounded more like Luke Skywanker."

I laughed it off, but truth be told, that's what FTD taught him.

I apologized a little more for their behavior, but was met with, "NO!  We need more of that at this school. I bet they are a lot of fun."

If only she knew. We wouldn't be allowed in that school...



Much to my horror, when I finally spotted FTD and Ollie, they were in a group talking to the principle.

Shit. Shit. Shit.

Then, the group breaks out in hysterical laughter.

I make my way over to the group and introduce myself, half expecting to be told to take those two home.

I'm met with handshakes and compliments on my son and husband.

HUH?

Really?

What is wrong with this place? It's a Catholic school and they are stoked to have our crazy-asses?  Did I also mention the wild-child just learned "Christ on a bike" from his cousin and says it all of the time?

If this school didn't have this specialized program for Ollie, I would have never considered it, being that we are such a certifiable family. I hoped that if we tried to be on our best behavior we could fake 'til we made it. Not only were we NOT on our best behavior-- , at this point, I don't even think we have a "best behavior."-- we were in true form! They were being crazy, while I was trying to hold it together.

My friend, if you learn nothing else from me about attending your first orientation, first read the school's websites and phone a friend to compare notes. read all newsletters thoroughly, bring an extra check and most of all, show up wearing comfortable casual clothes and let your family be themselves.