This News Flash Is For New Dads + Whiny Whimps

While having lunch with a friend we both started getting the, "Where are you?" and "How much longer will you be?" texts from our husbands home watching the children. We had only been away for about an hour at this point, and needless to say, we were both annoyed by the texts. We started trading stories about our husbands, and the awards and praise they think they should receive for various things they do with THEIR OWN CHILD!

After a little back-and-forth my girlfriend and I came up with a 'news flash' we wanted to send our husbands. Feel free to send it to your husband/partner should they need a news flash about what it means to be a parent, too. 

Dear Dad, 

• You are not going to win an award for spending 2 hours alone with your baby. I know this because I have spent many, many hours alone with our son and all I got was... not a damn thing! #NiceTry

• I promise, our son does not 'save his pee to mess with you.' Babies pee when the time strikes them, not the second you take off his diaper or after bathing to mess with you.  #GetOverYourself

• Everything does not have to be a joke. Nor does your daily mission have to be screwing with the kids and me. #Yourenotfunnydad

• No, I do not feed him "ExLax apples." He poops a lot. That’s what babies do. Sometimes they get gassy, super constipated and confused about what's going on. Stop acting like it’s going to kill you to see and smell it. Imagine how the poor guy feels? #GetAFaceMask 

• I did not have our baby so you could have a full-time playmate. I'm tired of pissing on about rules and routines. The baby follows them, why can't you? #GetWithTheProgram

• I will continue to bitch and complain about being tired until I get 8 hours of sleep and don't get asked for something the second I sit down, just like you! #NoSleepNoNice

•  If you do not help me clean the house, do not complain about it not being spotless.  #CallTheMerryMaids

• Now that we have a baby, if you want a four-course meal every night for dinner, I suggest you buy a cookbook. #ChefBoyRDad

• He is a baby, he needs constant attention. You cannot play on your computer or watch TV and expect him to sit quietly and watch! #ByeByePlaystation

• Talking to our son and stimulating him before bedtime is the same as asking for a deathwish. #YouWillPay #ShutIt  

• Of course, I love you. Our son just needs a lot of attention right now.  I’m trying to pay attention to you, too, however, you are a big boy and can feed yourself and wipe your own ass.   #YoureNotMyOnlyChildAnymore

10 Things Parents New + Old Should Never Forget

There's no doubt about it; Parenting is so hard! Thankfully, the good times outweigh the trying ones, but that doesn't change the fact that it's a 24/7 365 job. That's constantly changing.

During my short time so far as a first-time parent, I have learned many valuable lessons, the hard way. Every day is different. Some are so friggin insane, I want to run away to Never Coming Back, Island. Some, I want to pause and cherish for as long as possible.

Below are 10 Parenting Mantras I use almost daily that help me maintain my sanity. I've come to realize, these mantras will be with me for life, because without them, I would need a padded room.



1. Laugh at yourself. First and foremost, Laugh. Parenting is hard enough, if you don't find the humor in it, you will go batshit by the end of the first 6-weeks.

2. Laugh at your child. Kids are hysterical, laugh at them. Most of all, laugh with them.

3. Forgive yourself. There is no such thing as the perfect parent. No. Such. Thing. We all make mistakes. If at first you don't succeed... you will eventually.

4. Forgive your child. Those little sh!ts mean well. Really, they do.  Just like us, kids make mistakes, too. It's part of life. For little ones, life is all about trying new things and testing limits. They are bound to screw up a few (hundred) times.

5. The Joneses are assholes. Damn those Joneses trying to set standards and pass judgments. Pay no attention to the talking heads. They don't know you or your child.

6.  Your instinct is right, listen to it. Mom. Dad. Listen to your inner parent, it knows what's best. Don't let someone or some book make you think otherwise. Start with your instinct, then go from there.

7. The "Right Way" is the way that works for your family. Your family is the new normal. Don't let a book tell you your instinct is wrong. You know your child(ren) better than anyone else, work within those bounds.

8. Say I love you and hug your family every day. Who doesn't love a little acknowledgment and affection? I know kids especially do. So give it to them. Make there be no question just how loved they are.

9. The dishes can wait. Don't sacrifice your family time. Take the time to be with your family now, because tomorrow is not promised. Besides, the dishes will always be there.

10. Love every second and every stage because you will miss them dearly. Yes, even the really annoying stages. Every day goes by so fast. Be in the moment and try to document as much as possible.