Not That Bloody Elf Again? It's Like The Same Ho In Every Other Video.

Everywhere I go, I see that Elf on the Shelf, or Christopher Elf, or Asshole Elf, or whatever company's elf is winning Elf sales this year. You can buy that damn thing in Walgreens, Grocery stores, and gas stations. They are literally everywhere. It begs me to ask, are kids starting to wonder, WTF is up with that? Is this insane saturation going to kill off the elf?

I friggin' hope so. 

I've never been into the elf. I can't be bothered to do all the work it takes to, 'bring the elf to life.' I also have a super hard time lying to my child. I fear him finding out and not trusting me anymore. That would suck.  

I felt so horrible about the Santa business, I told him the story of St. Nicholas, and how he was the patron saint of children, women and many others, and did great things for children, including giving them gifts. (I told the longer complete version. I'll spare you.)

I told him the Santa he sees today in the Mall and on street corners ringing bells, is the image of the wonderful spirit, St. Nick. (That coca-cola so graciously created for us.) Thanks to my son's Catholic pre-school, and me being a crazy lady, he thinks great spirits are flying around saving us already. 

Which brings me back to that bloody elf, when did the fear of Santa skipping their house, stop working on children?

When I was a kid, the fear of not getting gifts from Santa was enough to keep me from being an Asshole. For months.

Why does it take an Elf now, too? That's about as dumb as gift wrapping the commode.

Still, every mother I know swears by, The Elf.


How is an elf bouncing around the house, multiple times a day, playing the odd prank, screwing shit up and making messes, going to turn my kid into a perfect little Christmas angel?

All that work. I wonder if the parents realize all the shit you do with the elf, is essentially the shit you're trying to stop your child from doing in the first place? Why friggin' bother?

My nephews, who LOVE their Christopher Elf, won't leave me alone about where our elf is. I give them a confused look and try to change the subject. They insist EVERYONE has an elf, and not to worry because he would be here soon.

Has the Elf become the parenting standard now? Does everyone, but me, have an Elf? Am I the asshole for not having an elf for the other kids who come over? Am I screwing up the parenting pact?

Damn. Fucking. Elf. 

To those parents I say,  how much does it suck to know, in two weeks when the elf goes back to Elfland, your perfect little Christmas angel is going to turn back into a heathen shithead? Or, why not have an elf all year-long? Or at least start way earlier than December. If you're gonna lie, why not make it last?

And all that daily work and mess for the sake of staging a prank, that, essentially, YOU PLAY ON YOURSELF! Hey, Parents, congratulations, you made a huge mess and your kids bought it! Now, good luck cleaning it up before you have to do the next prank. 

Funny. But, Screw that. 

I love my kid, but that's going too far. I clean up enough shit on a daily basis. 

What about you? I'd love to know what you think. Is the elf really improving your child's behavior? Is it is really worth the trouble and mess? When do you break out the little bastard? Do you think it's going to last like Santa or fizzle out? 

April is an award-winning writer and blogger. Her work has been published in over ten countries and four languages. From books to newspapers, to print/online magazines and everything in between, you can find her work. For more on April, Visit