This News Flash Is For New Dads + Whiny Whimps

While having lunch with a friend we both started getting the, "Where are you?" and "How much longer will you be?" texts from our husbands home watching the children. We had only been away for about an hour at this point, and needless to say, we were both annoyed by the texts. We started trading stories about our husbands, and the awards and praise they think they should receive for various things they do with THEIR OWN CHILD!

After a little back-and-forth my girlfriend and I came up with a 'news flash' we wanted to send our husbands. Feel free to send it to your husband/partner should they need a news flash about what it means to be a parent, too. 

Dear Dad, 
  • You are not going to win an award for spending 2 hours alone with your baby. I know this because I have spent many, many hours alone with our son and all I got was... not a damn thing! #NiceTry
  • I promise, our son does not 'save his pee to mess with you.' Babies pee when the time strikes them, not the second you take off his diaper or after bathing to mess with you.  #GetOverYourself
  • Everything does not have to be a joke. Nor does your daily mission have to be screwing with the kids and me. #Yourenotfunnydad

  • No, I do not feed him "ExLax apples." He poops a lot. That’s what babies do. Sometimes they get gassy, super constipated and confused about what's going on. Stop acting like it’s going to kill you to see and smell it. Imagine how the poor guy feels? #GetAFaceMask 

  • I did not have our baby so you could have a full-time playmate. I'm tired of pissing on about rules and routines. The baby follows them, why can't you? #GetWithTheProgram
  • I will continue to bitch and complain about being tired until I get 8 hours of sleep and don't get asked for something the second I sit down, just like you! #NoSleepNoNice
  •  If you do not help me clean the house, do not complain about it not being spotless.  #CallTheMerryMaids

  • Now that we have a baby, if you want a four-course meal every night for dinner, I suggest you buy a cookbook. #ChefBoyRDad
  • He is a baby, he needs constant attention. You cannot play on your computer or watch TV and expect him to sit quietly and watch! #ByeByePlaystation
  • Talking to our son and stimulating him before bedtime is the same as asking for a deathwish. #YouWillPay #ShutIt  
  • Of course, I love you. Our son just needs a lot of attention right now.  I’m trying to pay attention to you, too, however, you are a big boy and can feed yourself and wipe your own ass.   #YoureNotMyOnlyChildAnymore

April is an award-winning writer and blogger. Her work has been published in over ten countries and four languages. From books to newspapers, to print/online magazines and everything in between, you can find her work. For more on April, Visit