mom rant

When Dr. Google Says It's Tourettes, Autism, ADHD, OCD and Bipolar

Let me just preface this by saying, I'm the mother of a Four-year-old boy. By the end of his first year of life, I learned my lesson the hard way about Googling his symptoms. Ten times out of ten, it always ended in me freaking out that he had a rare incurable disease. I was so bad about it, his pediatrician made me promise that I would NEVER again look to Dr. Google for a diagnosis. Then, last night happened...




Last night, FTD looked at me and said, did you hear that?

 Me: What?

FTD: Those noises Ollie makes?

Me: Huh?

FTD: That humming noise. He makes it after he says something.

ME: Um? He's four, he's constantly making noises!

FTD: Well, listen for it. It could be an indicator of something...

Me: What are you talking about?

FTD: I was talking to Mrs' Smith at school about it, and...

Me: Whatever, I'll listen for it.

Being that FTD works at a school for children with "learning differences", he is super sensitive to the tics, quirks and differences that make each kid special. Most times it's me being paranoid, and FTD telling me to chill out, however, in this case, it was the other way around. Which, totally freaked me out.

He's the level-headed one, why is he the one freaking out this time?

I spent the rest of my son's waking hours following his every sound. By the end of the night, I did notice what FTD was talking about. Once in bed, I laid next to Ollie and listened more for the sounds, and even asked them about it. He told me he liked the way they sounded or he thought they were, "funny".  This is where my downward spiral began.

As he settled into sleep, he started repeatedly making a humming sound... until he fell asleep!

I Googled:  4-year old son makes funny noises.

 At first,  Dr. Google said all signs pointed to Autism.

Then, Tourettes.

THEN! Tourettes, with ADHD, OCD and BiPolar.

Fu*k. Me.

I hate Dr. Google.  WHY did I do it???




So here I am, freaking out my son has Tourettes, Autism, ADHD, OCD and Bipolar, all due to noises he was making. As much as I wanted to call myself an asshole for Googling his symptoms and move on with my day, I couldn't. I was in a full panic attack.

It's so easy to morph symptoms into Dr. Goggle's diagnosis. It's almost like, I am so desperate for an answer, even a crappy one will do. SO WRONG!

Warning Parents: DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME.

Thanks to this little mishap, I have to either call his doctor and fess up that I Googled some shit and now I'm freaking out, or obsessively watch my son until I calm the F*ck down on my own.I'm going with the latter, for now.

It's funny on the heels of a post about my genius son, now I'm writing about him having Tourettes and a slew of other things. I'm telling you, Parenting is not for the faint of heart or conspiracy theorist, because it will drive you mad if you let it.

Bottom line: My son may or may not have Tourettes, but to go from a noise to Tourettes, Autism, ADHD, OCD and Bipolar is pure dumbassery. I know better.

Please, take it from me, before consulting Dr. Google, talk to your doctor first. Because, at this point, the only one with a true problem is me! My son is four. He's a wild, busy toddler, over analyzing that is not going to do either of us any good.








The One Thing All Toddlers Have In Common




You know how they always say, one day you will laugh about it. Well, I'm still waiting...


Being that I have a very spirited, stubborn child, I have become well versed in meltdowns. I've begun to see a pattern in the different stages of tantrums. These stages, are very similar to the five stages of grief.

The only difference is, no one died.

Which, can be a hard sell to a child who's positive he's going to die if he doesn't get his way.


Without further ado, the one thing all toddlers have in common,  The five stages of a toddler meltdown.

1. Denial- Toddler tantrums most always start with denial of some form. Their face becomes flush with shock and disbelief. Tears of shattered dreams begin to pour down. They are positive there is just absolutely no freaking way you are being serious right now. 

2. Anger- When tears and a few half-assed tries to get their way ceases to work, ANGER sets in. This is the stage where a verbal assault is paired with launching toys across the room. When necessary, a dead drop to the ground is followed by flailing arms and legs, to convey just how pissed off he is.

 3. Bargaining- things get interesting at the bargaining stage. Kids can get very creative at this stage. They might hand out options or empty promises to be good. Expect ANYTHING during this stage. Toddlers are crazy, and aren't afraid to show it.

 4. Depression- Depression is the most annoying of the stages. Depression ushers in the hard-core fake tears, which can make you feel like the worst parent. Well, don't fall for it! This is their last fight. They are out of options. They know they are beat. That's what the rivers of tears are about. They are pissed they didn't get their way. This no longer has anything to do with the original cause of the meltdown.


Then, finally, when both of you are emotionally and physically worn out, the end is near, but not without a one last blast.

 Acceptance- This stage is the most vindictive. Once a toddler realizes that he's not going to get his way, he fakes acceptance just to throw you off his trail. The fact is, he's a toddler and already on to his next evil plan. Even though you won this round, he's not going to give up his Independence that easily.


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Really, Dora And Friends? The "Map App" Will Save You? #MomRant

The other day, when I tuned into Ollie's favorite TV channel, Dora The Explorer was on, mid episode. Being that Ollie doesn't really watch it, I went to change the and to my surprise,  he asked to keep watching it.  I'm all for the bi-lingual format of the show, but other than that, I had never seen the show beginning to end, so I sat down to watch it with him.

Dora, was mid-adventure in the woods  with friends.  We tuned in right before they got lost. What happened next, was shocking.

Once Dora  and friends realized they were lost in the woods,  she whips out a phone and says,

"It's Ok, I'll use my handy Map App to find our way."

A Map App?

WTH?