For all of you who read my www.tiredofbeingpregnant.com
blog, you know I was very worried about having postpartum depression. I have spent nearly every single day
since delivery wondering if my tears, sad feelings, confusion, fear,
frustration, anger and every other non-positive feeling have been postpartum
depression or just normal “new mother” feelings and behavior.
During the early days after delivery I was for the most part
happy. I was exhausted, but so in awe of my incredibly perfect and beautiful
son that sadness was not a feeling I could imagine feeling.
It was not until around week three of four that the
weepiness started. I was crying
over the stupidest shit! If my
food didn’t taste right I would cry.
If I looked in the mirror I would cry. I was a weepy mess.
The odd part was that I was not really weeping because I was sad, I was
just weeping! Luckily the weepiness ended abruptly in a week or two and still
has not returned.
By six to eight weeks postpartum I was doing really well! I
was not sad, or overly happy, I was in touch with my emotions and felt really
confident that I did not have postpartum depression. Smooth sailing into my second month, turning into a great
mommy, breastfeeding almost like a champ and even working out a sleep pattern
that worked for baby, daddy and me.
Don’t get me wrong, I had BAD days filled with tears and confusion, but
those days also usually coincided with a night or two of little or no sleep. I
would just chalk the bad day up to bad sleep. My girlfriends and I decided that if bad days were directly
related to bad sleep, then surely I was not postpartum depression.
When I went back to work at ten weeks postpartum the bottom
started to fall out. I was so overwhelmed by going back to work, separation
anxiety and trying to keep my son exclusively breastfed. I was not getting
enough sleep thanks to nursing and the overwhelming anxiety that my mood was shit
more often than not. I started to
wonder if I was in over my head with everything now that I was back to work,
and wondered if I should try to change Oliver over to formula at night so I
could get some sleep to improve my poor mood and anxiety.
I couldn’t bring myself to introduce formula, so I decided
to reach into my bag of emotional tools and work on coping with the anxiety and
work on trying to stay positive.
This worked, but dammit it made managing my mood a full time job.
Now here I am 3 ½ months postpartum, jobless and overloaded
with fear and anxiety. This in
itself pisses me off to no end and makes me want to cry! I have been given a
huge gift of being paid to find a new better job, thanks to unemployment
benefits, and be home with my son.
What the hell is wrong with me?
I should be happy as a pig in shit!
Really since month two I thought I might have some shades of
postpartum depression. Or, hopefully, I am just overwhelmed by everything going
on right now with being a new (unemployed) mother. Regardless it’s time for me to seek some help so I can be a
good happy mommy. I have been reluctant to seek help out of fear of being
prescribed anti depressants since I am nursing. However, I have come to realize I need some outside unbiased
council to help me sort through the anxiety and fear to find out if I actually
have postpartum depression. Medication does not have to be the answer. One thing I have always been told is
NEVER EVER try to control postpartum depression alone.
I love my son
more than I ever imagined possible.
The last thing I want to do is not be the best mom possible to him. We
both deserve to have me 100% emotionally present when we are together. It’s
time to take some time for me and work on the emotional issues dragging me
own. Thanks to all of the brave
women before me, I am not afraid to find out I have postpartum depression,
because I know it's temporary and easily treated. I am just focused on having a better mood, lowering my
anxiety level, and most of all thoroughly enjoying the time I have been given
to spend with my son while I find a new job.
