Postpartum Depression- Update 3 ½ months postpartum

For all of you who read my www.tiredofbeingpregnant.com blog, you know I was very worried about having postpartum depression.  I have spent nearly every single day since delivery wondering if my tears, sad feelings, confusion, fear, frustration, anger and every other non-positive feeling have been postpartum depression or just normal “new mother” feelings and behavior.

During the early days after delivery I was for the most part happy. I was exhausted, but so in awe of my incredibly perfect and beautiful son that sadness was not a feeling I could imagine feeling.

It was not until around week three of four that the weepiness started.  I was crying over the stupidest shit!  If my food didn’t taste right I would cry.  If I looked in the mirror I would cry.  I was a weepy mess.  The odd part was that I was not really weeping because I was sad, I was just weeping! Luckily the weepiness ended abruptly in a week or two and still has not returned.

By six to eight weeks postpartum I was doing really well! I was not sad, or overly happy, I was in touch with my emotions and felt really confident that I did not have postpartum depression.  Smooth sailing into my second month, turning into a great mommy, breastfeeding almost like a champ and even working out a sleep pattern that worked for baby, daddy and me.  Don’t get me wrong, I had BAD days filled with tears and confusion, but those days also usually coincided with a night or two of little or no sleep. I would just chalk the bad day up to bad sleep.  My girlfriends and I decided that if bad days were directly related to bad sleep, then surely I was not postpartum depression.

When I went back to work at ten weeks postpartum the bottom started to fall out. I was so overwhelmed by going back to work, separation anxiety and trying to keep my son exclusively breastfed. I was not getting enough sleep thanks to nursing and the overwhelming anxiety that my mood was shit more often than not.  I started to wonder if I was in over my head with everything now that I was back to work, and wondered if I should try to change Oliver over to formula at night so I could get some sleep to improve my poor mood and anxiety. 

I couldn’t bring myself to introduce formula, so I decided to reach into my bag of emotional tools and work on coping with the anxiety and work on trying to stay positive.  This worked, but dammit it made managing my mood a full time job.

Now here I am 3 ½ months postpartum, jobless and overloaded with fear and anxiety.  This in itself pisses me off to no end and makes me want to cry! I have been given a huge gift of being paid to find a new better job, thanks to unemployment benefits, and be home with my son.  What the hell is wrong with me?  I should be happy as a pig in shit!

Really since month two I thought I might have some shades of postpartum depression. Or, hopefully, I am just overwhelmed by everything going on right now with being a new (unemployed) mother.  Regardless it’s time for me to seek some help so I can be a good happy mommy. I have been reluctant to seek help out of fear of being prescribed anti depressants since I am nursing.  However, I have come to realize I need some outside unbiased council to help me sort through the anxiety and fear to find out if I actually have postpartum depression. Medication does not have to be the answer.  One thing I have always been told is NEVER EVER try to control postpartum depression alone.

 I love my son more than I ever imagined possible.  The last thing I want to do is not be the best mom possible to him. We both deserve to have me 100% emotionally present when we are together. It’s time to take some time for me and work on the emotional issues dragging me own.  Thanks to all of the brave women before me, I am not afraid to find out I have postpartum depression, because I know it's temporary and easily treated.  I am just focused on having a better mood, lowering my anxiety level, and most of all thoroughly enjoying the time I have been given to spend with my son while I find a new job.