Postpartum Depression- Update 3 ½ months postpartum

For all of you who read my www.tiredofbeingpregnant.com blog, you know I was very worried about having postpartum depression.  I have spent nearly every single day since delivery wondering if my tears, sad feelings, confusion, fear, frustration, anger and every other non-positive feeling have been postpartum depression or just normal “new mother” feelings and behavior.

During the early days after delivery I was for the most part happy. I was exhausted, but so in awe of my incredibly perfect and beautiful son that sadness was not a feeling I could imagine feeling.

It was not until around week three of four that the weepiness started.  I was crying over the stupidest shit!  If my food didn’t taste right I would cry.  If I looked in the mirror I would cry.  I was a weepy mess.  The odd part was that I was not really weeping because I was sad, I was just weeping! Luckily the weepiness ended abruptly in a week or two and still has not returned.

By six to eight weeks postpartum I was doing really well! I was not sad, or overly happy, I was in touch with my emotions and felt really confident that I did not have postpartum depression.  Smooth sailing into my second month, turning into a great mommy, breastfeeding almost like a champ and even working out a sleep pattern that worked for baby, daddy and me.  Don’t get me wrong, I had BAD days filled with tears and confusion, but those days also usually coincided with a night or two of little or no sleep. I would just chalk the bad day up to bad sleep.  My girlfriends and I decided that if bad days were directly related to bad sleep, then surely I was not postpartum depression.

When I went back to work at ten weeks postpartum the bottom started to fall out. I was so overwhelmed by going back to work, separation anxiety and trying to keep my son exclusively breastfed. I was not getting enough sleep thanks to nursing and the overwhelming anxiety that my mood was shit more often than not.  I started to wonder if I was in over my head with everything now that I was back to work, and wondered if I should try to change Oliver over to formula at night so I could get some sleep to improve my poor mood and anxiety. 

I couldn’t bring myself to introduce formula, so I decided to reach into my bag of emotional tools and work on coping with the anxiety and work on trying to stay positive.  This worked, but dammit it made managing my mood a full time job.

Now here I am 3 ½ months postpartum, jobless and overloaded with fear and anxiety.  This in itself pisses me off to no end and makes me want to cry! I have been given a huge gift of being paid to find a new better job, thanks to unemployment benefits, and be home with my son.  What the hell is wrong with me?  I should be happy as a pig in shit!

Really since month two I thought I might have some shades of postpartum depression. Or, hopefully, I am just overwhelmed by everything going on right now with being a new (unemployed) mother.  Regardless it’s time for me to seek some help so I can be a good happy mommy. I have been reluctant to seek help out of fear of being prescribed anti depressants since I am nursing.  However, I have come to realize I need some outside unbiased council to help me sort through the anxiety and fear to find out if I actually have postpartum depression. Medication does not have to be the answer.  One thing I have always been told is NEVER EVER try to control postpartum depression alone.

 I love my son more than I ever imagined possible.  The last thing I want to do is not be the best mom possible to him. We both deserve to have me 100% emotionally present when we are together. It’s time to take some time for me and work on the emotional issues dragging me own.  Thanks to all of the brave women before me, I am not afraid to find out I have postpartum depression, because I know it's temporary and easily treated.  I am just focused on having a better mood, lowering my anxiety level, and most of all thoroughly enjoying the time I have been given to spend with my son while I find a new job. 

Two confused parents=One amused baby Hopelessly we are trying raise a baby who is clearly smarter than both of us. April is an award-winning writer and blogger. Her work has been published in over ten countries and four languages. From books to newspapers, to print/online magazines and everything in between, you can find her work. For more on April, Visit AprilMcCormick.com


Anonymous said...

I'm glad you are seeking counsel in order to determine what kind of treatment will work best for you. You are right, medication isn't always the answer. Sometimes just talking helps immensely. And please know that there are people who are keeping you in their thoughts and are praying for you. Remember... This, too, shall pass.

FirstTimeMomandDad.com said...

Thank you. It's time to get on top of what ever is dragging me down. Wether it be Pistpartum depression or fear of the instability of my life right now, i think just knowing what it is will be a step in the right direction.

AussieMummy said...

I'm so glad that you aren't afraid to speak out about this. I was diagnosed with depression 8 years ago and have had an ongoing battle with it ever since. Unfortunately for me, mine has to be controlled with medication and I even had to continue taking my meds whilst pregnant. I too have been scared of developing PND but with active management, I have so far managed to avoid it. We shouldn't be ashamed to speak up and get help, it's the best thing you can do for ourselves and our babies. Good luck xx

foodpixie said...

Getting help was the best thing for me. It allowed me to enjoy my baby and being her mother.

Mrs. Loquacious said...

It takes courage to seek help when we need it. Good for you, mama!

kiwi mum said...

Wow good on you for having the courage to not only seek help but also be so open about it. good luck, I hope you get the support you need :)

FirstTimeMomandDad.com said...

Thank you. I just want to stop having so much anxiety. I am tired of just getting through the day. I want to enjoy my time off with my son.

FirstTimeMomandDad.com said...

Thank you. I just love that little boy so much. He deserves and awesome mommy.

FirstTimeMomandDad.com said...

Thank you. Its the kind words and support great readers like you give me that allows me to speak up. You help me as much as I help you.