Postpartum Depression at 9-months postpartum

I have three great posts I have been working on, but I just don't have the drive I need to finish them.  Why?  Because I am lacking passion right now. My postpartum depression is back, or really it was never gone, I was just managing it better then I am now.  Maybe it's the holidays, maybe it's the cold weather, maybe it's just hormones... whatever it is, I am suffering on the inside something awful and it sucks.  Sucks ass.

From the beginning of my pregnancy I talked about my fears of getting postpartum.  Being that I battled depression in my teenage years and a little in my 20's, I knew I had a higher probability for getting PPD. However, I was shocked that I didn't really experience any hardcore symptoms of PPD at first.  Of course I had some weepy moments, or psycho lashouts at FTD, but nothing too bad or that would last for more than an hour or so. The PPD didn't really start taking over until around the third month.

Worried that I was losing control I saw a therapist. Since I was determined to not take any medication, I wanted to start with "talk therapy."  After a full assessment the therapist felt that with enough sessions she could give me  the tools to manage the PPD and thus avoid medication.  By the 8th and final session I felt great.  Well, confident that I could manage with my new set of tools.  (for a list of the tools click here)

For the past few months I have been managing quite well.  I have certainly had low moments, but never once did I consider harming myself or Oliver.  My low points are mostly filled with fear over the future and the uncertainty of the world I have to raise my son in, I also get very anxious about my lack of a steady income, and how I will be able to provide the best for my bub.  Life in general.

The PPD mostly attacks my outlook on life.  When it's high gear I feel overloaded and full of fear, I look at the big picture and get way overwhelmed by it all, I even start to worry about how I will send Ollie to a good school. Basically I tailspin out of control, it's not good. When I have control, I take life in small bites and stay positive.

Lately the Holidays, the end of my unemployment benefits, my lack of healthcare coverage and no great job on the horizon has got me way down.  The sad part is, I feel sorry for myself, so I am not pulling out the tools I need to fight the PPD and get out of my rut.  Not good.

*** FTD here - I'm an insomniac and at 4:30am thought I'd have a look at the 'ole blog - as some of you may have noticed...this post doesn't seem finished.  I'm not sure April actually meant for it to go live! Anyways...I fixed the SHOCKING spelling mistakes and when she gets up in the morning, she can sort it out! YIPEEEEE. In the meantime, here's an awesome picture to lighten the mood.***

Hopefully, this WILL be my breakfast tomorrow -  delicious poached eggs on a bagel with bacon, mushrooms, sausage and topped off with a magnificent, homemade hollandaise sauce. Yes gentlemen...that's why I married her!

Two confused parents=One amused baby Hopelessly we are trying raise a baby who is clearly smarter than both of us. April is an award-winning writer and blogger. Her work has been published in over ten countries and four languages. From books to newspapers, to print/online magazines and everything in between, you can find her work. For more on April, Visit