Mom Confession: I'm A Bedtime Battle Enabler

Bedtime SUCKS around my house. It's an hour long process (at least) that includes, but is not limited to the following; begging, bartering, anger, annoyance, spineless groveling, and eventually, a very hard won victory. Though, I am starting to think there is actually no real victory, but a draw that is replayed in 24 hours.

I hate bedtime, and I blame myself for it. After all, I'm the one who has taught my son the bedtime routine of bath, books, singing, rocking, then when I say, Ok, it's bedtime, that really means, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! Because if bedtime meant something, then I would not spend the next thirty minutes to an hour begging my son to go to sleep! If it meant something, I would not constantly return to his room, and play the games I play with him. All the word "bedtime" means to my son is, play with mommy until I'm tired enough to pass out. 

Since Ollie's first days, I have held and nursed him to sleep. Then, last month I stopped nursing. When that happened, we exchanged nursing to sleep, for the bedtime game from hell. The game where Ollie doesn't go to sleep until he is ready, and I grovel and beg like a jackass.  I do this, every night, even though I know it is a game to him.

Why? Because, I am spineless.

FAIL. FAIL. FAIL!!!

Every night, I sit and rock him to sleep until I think I am going to lose my mind, at which point, I put him in his crib. If he is not ready to fall asleep, he will stand up, cry and beg to be held.  So what do I do? I pick him back up out of his crib, and rock him some more. Yes, I know how stupid it is that pick him back up, but I do it anyway because I am a sucker! I am sucker that just wants him to go to sleep, so I do what ever he asks to get him to calm down and go to sleep.

FAIL. FAIL. FAIL!!!

I will repeat this stupid crap game of rocking him to sleep, then putting him in his crib and getting him out again until I get really mad... at myself. OK, and a little mad at him too. Then, I will put him in his crib and make empty threats about how much trouble he will be in if he climbs out.  Nine times out of ten, he climbs out. I pick him up, tell him he is naughty and put him back in bed. Sometimes he stands up and just protests begging to be held, others we just repeat the process of climbing out and me putting him back in.  Sometimes, I rock him again because, again, I am a complete spineless butthead.

I KNOW this ridiculous bedtime crap is all my fault.  If I would just be tough, and not put up with the games, he would go to sleep.  I know this, because on the nights FTD puts Ollie to sleep, its easy for him.  Ollie will stay in his crib and sing himself to sleep. That actually sucks worse to me than the games we play, because I can see just how foolish I am.

What the hell is wrong with me?! Why can't I be tough, tell him to go to sleep and mean it.  Why have I created such a monster, when I KNOW BETTER!?  And how in the hell am I going to correct it?  I have friends with children MUCH younger than Ollie that go into their cribs only slightly tired and fall asleep without issue. I am SO jealous of the parent that puts their kid to bed and goes about their business.

I know Ollie will not die if I let him cry, but it still totally sucks to hear him screaming for me. I rationalize my behavior by thinking this will pass. I tell myself that it's a phase, and really, I should somehow cherish every moment he lets me hold him, because soon enough he will not even want me to hug him. Still, I just wish I could hold him and rock him, and then put him in his crib and go about my business, NOT play into a ridiculous toddler bedtime game.

Ugh. Have kids they said... It will be awesome they said... Too bad they never said, grow a set first because it's going to be hard and you need to be tough, even when it breaks your heart.

Finding The Balance Between Nap Time, Rest Time and Screw It...

A few months ago I posted about Ollie showing signs of being ready to drop his nap.  Being that I had heard from multiple parents to expect the nap to go away after Ollie turns three, I was ready for it. Not to mention, that study I posted about saying, After two, naps can spoil sleep. (I called BS on it, and I was right!  Ollie was the exact opposite!)

What I wasn't ready for was the internal struggle over whether or not to let him drop the nap.

At first, I let him go without naps.  Since so many parents told me it would happen, I just went with it. But after just a week of letting nap time go, I noticed that it was making my child a miserrbal brat from 4pm on, and a terrible sleeper at night!  Sure, he went to sleep by 7pm without issue, but he tossed and turned all night, waking at least three or four times.

Rather than force him to take a nap, I tried to make him have "Rest Time" in his room.  He could play quietly in his room for an hour.

This kind of proved to be worthless too.

We went back to taking naps the next week...

For those of you facing the nap transition period, I thought I would outline the difference I see in my child between Naps, Rest Time and  saying, Screw it.  Because, to just make the blanket statement, "children stop having naps after three," is TOTALLY CRAP! Just like with every other big change with your child, you have to find a comfortable balance to make the transition as smooth as possible.

NAPTIME

Ollie is nearly three-and-a-half and still NEEDS his naps. His nap begins after lunch between 12-1pm and lasts about two hours.

He wakes up refreshed and happy. And stays that way until bedtime at 7pm. I try to get him up to the bath by 6:30 but due to he and FTD playing and him getting a little older, I let it slide until 7-7:30. He is asleep by 8:30 every night. Though I shoot for 8pm.

Naps, by far, make for the best day for both Ollie and I.  Sure bed time is a little more difficult, but to have a nice guy all day, and a GREAT sleeper at night, it's worth it. When Ollie has his nap, he sleeps at night from 8pm-7am.

REST TIME

Rest time is that in-between nap and screw it phase. I usually resort to rest time when Ollie is being SUPER difficult about taking his nap. Or, we have had a crazy busy day that kept us out past nap time. I stick him in his room for an hour to play, which he rarely protests, since he is already tired from missing his nap.

Rest time only nets me an early easy bedtime that starts at 7pm. He tosses and turns all night long, and wakes up four or five times crying.

Needless to say, even though the early easy bedtime is awesome, it's not worth the horrible sleep we both get. Rest time is my last resort. Ollie falls asleep around 7:30pm and wakes around 6:30am

SCREW IT

Screw happens on the rare occasion that nap time and rest time are impossible.

No nap or quiet rest time results in a demon toddler. Think: Mean as hell, almost like a Godzilla toddler. He throws toys, temper tantrums, his food and anything he can find to toss at Professor the Cat.

                                               

Being that screw it, results in complete and utter toddler dumbassery, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt, my three year old is FAR from not needing a nap.

Bottom Line:  Every child is different, and just because every kid on the street stopped having naps after turning three, doesn't mean your toddler will be the same. And even though I love an easy, early bedtime, it's not worth the last three hours of the day when my toddler melts down, only to toss and turn all night.

Besides, I need his nap time to recoup too, so as long as my child needs a nap, I will give it to him!

Bedtime Battle Update: Controlling The Chaos

Last week, when I posted my frustration about how my toddler was completely controlling bedtime, and how I completely sucked for letting it happen, I nearly died when in less than two hours the post had 300 views. My Facebook page lit up with shares and comments about how it was like I was writing about their life.  (If you need to catch up, the first Bedtime Battle post is, here.)

It turns out, when I said:

 "I'm just going to come right out and say it, I have created a bedtime monster. I play into every bedtime whim my evil genius toddler can think up. I just wanted him to go to sleep! I kept thinking if one more book, or sip of water, or trip to the potty, or hug and kiss, or handstand while balancing the cat on my foot was going to get my kid to go to sleep, I'd try it."

My community was shouting, ME TOO!

While, I'm not so happy that other parents are lying next to their child and "pretty much play dead for 20-45 minutes while my toddler does everything he can to drive me nuts." I am relieved to know I'm not alone.

So, for those of you who were shouting ME TOO!  I thought I would let you know how I was doing at controlling the bedtime chaos and the lessons about myself and my toddler I have learned.

First and foremost, I realized that my toddler had complete control of bedtime. From dragging his feet to the bath, to stalling with books and stories about his day, to flipping and flopping for thirty minutes before going to bed, my toddler was playing me like a dumbass drum. This was actually the turning point for me. Realizing I had no control over bedtime was, in one word, unacceptable.

I was determined to gain control. Which, meant toughening up. I realized that I let my toddler get away with the books, stories and flip-flopping, because I didn't want to rock the boat. I just wanted him to go to sleep, without a huge freaking meltdown.

Oh, what a fool I was.

Now, there are two books, and lights out! While he protests, its very short lived. He knows when the lights go out, they stay out.

The next thing I learned was that I actually like laying there, for the first five minutes. I really like the quiet time cuddles and listening to his silly thoughts and bad jokes. So now, every night when I turn off the light, I soak up the quiet and sweet cuddles. And then when I've had enough, I let the battle begin; I give him one more kiss and hug and get up and walk out.

I wish I could say after seven days it's as easy as getting up and walking out, but it's still a battle. Albeit, not a horrendous 30-minute struggle. We're at about 15-minutes now.

The kid still crawls out of bed at least twice, and each time tries to pull at my heart strings with something along the lines of, "I'm scared up there all alone." Being the sucker that I am, I go back and lay down a few minutes. Even still, just knowing I am moving in the right direction is enough.

Toddlers are fickle little creatures. It takes time and patience to parent them. Especially, when you are trying to fix a fail you created!