12/31/13

And the #1 Blog Post of 2013 is...The Toddler Code of Conduct- 20 Rules Toddlers Live By

With over 100k social media likes and shares, and countless views between this website and The Huffington Post-where it went viral- undoubtedly the best post of 2013 is...

The Toddler Code of Conduct-
20 Rules Toddlers Live By

After observing my toddler, and talking with parents of toddlers, I am convinced that the little buggers have the following Code of Conduct hard wired into their DNA...


1. You are the family alarm clock, it is your job to wake everyone up at the ass-crack of dawn  every day. Every. Single. Day. 

2. ALWAYS crap your pants AFTER leaving the house.  Your best bet is to clench those cheeks together until you have left your street, and then EXPLODE!!! To achieve Legend status, do this when your parent is in a huge hurry to get somewhere very important.  

3. Do not be content doing anything for more than two minutes.  You have to constantly keep moving.  NEVER SLOW DOWN!

4.  If you are not interested in being picked up, get as low to the ground as possible. Think dead weight. Feel free to flail and cry for added difficulty.
  5.  If someone tries to take something from you, teach them a lesson by first throwing it, then jump up and down while making your best "oh you are going to be REALLY sorry," face, then fall to the floor and start flopping about in protest; scream and cry extra loud if you are in public.

12/30/13

The 30/30 Challenge-Lose Weight And Feel Great In 30 Days! #EASY! (Best of 2013 #2)

(This post I am so proud of because it got me, and some of you, off of the couch! Speaking of... If one of your New Year's Resolutions is to get off of the couch and lose a few pounds, then this may be just the thing for you!)

A few months ago I caught an episode of "The Doctors," where they were talking about all kinds of different diet and exercise fads. The one that got my attention was the, "30 Day Walking Challenge." Basically, you walk for thirty minutes a day, for thirty days straight. That's it. You don't have to diet, lift weights or fall on your face in a Zumba class.  Just walk for 30-minutes for 30-days.



Here is the motivation you need...

12/29/13

10 Mistakes Rookie Moms Make (Best of #3)

(Down to the Top 3 post of 2013... I love this post because I made each and every mistake, and am a better parent for them... not sure how screwed up the kid is yet since he still cannot string a sentence together.

In other news... only 3 days left of 2013, do you have your  New Year's lies Resolutions ready? I'm posting mine on New Years day... I'll let you know how many I have already failed at on the 2nd.)


As a mom with a near two-year-old toddler man-child, I think it is safe to say that my rookie 'new' mom season is coming to a close.  Now, I am well aware that in a way I will always be a rookie with my first born, since every day, stage and milestone is new for both of us, however, I feel it is my duty to share the top 10 mistakes I, and fellow rookie moms, made during our first year in the mama NBA. 



Without further ado… 10 Mistakes Rookie Moms Make

EPIC FAIL: Helicopter Parenting Your Partner (Best of 2013 #4)

(This post is SO important. Especially if reading this gets you to land the chopper and calm down... Start 2014 more relaxed by letting your parenting partner in on the fun.)

When FTD and I brought our Ollie home from the hospital we were both so excited but a little (a lot) freaked out too.  We honestly had no idea what to do with our little bundle of pooping joy. So we followed our Oliver’s cues and our own instincts, and in between stood over him 24/7 to make sure he kept breathing for about three weeks straight.


As the days turned into weeks, I realized I was constantly fighting with FTD over what I thought was the best way to change, feed and hold Ollie.  FTD could barely get within a foot of Ollie without me tensing up afraid he would not follow MY ways and rules. Eventually I realized, I was the worst kind of helicopter parent to both my son and husband.  

12/27/13

6 Things Every New Mother Should Know (Best of 2013 #5)

(I love this post. If only I knew all of this, and followed it, when I was a new mom...)

I have no doubt that every mother will agree with me when I say, during pregnancy the only thing you get more of than stretch marks and bad gas, is parenting advice.  Between the always ready to share been-there-done-that mothers, parenting books and online resources, the information available today for new mothers is overwhelming. What's more, you never know what to believe since one book will contradict the next, and what one mother swears by, another mother will insist did not work for her baby. Weeding through all of the advice can be daunting, to say the least.

Looking back, I wish I was given more advice on how to deal with becoming a mother, and less on the three million different ways to rock a baby to sleep. I needed to know about the self-doubt and failures that came along with motherhood, or that having a baby would take a huge toll on my marriage and personal life if I let it. After talking with numerous other mothers, I realized we all struggled with the same issues; things it seemed no one bothered to warn us about in between lessons on feeding, changing and rocking our newborn to sleep.  I've put a list together of the top six things all new mothers to know.  Things we wish we didn't have to learn the hard way.

12/26/13

The Girls Scouts May Have A Restraining Order Against Us.



As most of you know FTD is Australian. (Please Read: Fresh off of the boat and constantly claiming cultural confusion when he misbehaves-which is daily.) Lately, thanks to the winter boredom, he has been exceptionally out of control.  When I call him out on his horrible behavior he puts on his best deer in headlights look of confusion, then feigns ignorance or even worse, insists that what he just said was ok because thanks to his accent, "They cannot understand what I am saying anyway."

Well, thanks to his big mouth, we may have a restraining order issued by the Girl Scouts of America, because in this case he used noises and hand gestures to drive home his point... You all, I can not make this shit up…


12/25/13

12/24/13

11 Truths of Parenting (Best of 2013 #7)

(Even though I did not write this, there is no way I could leave this off the list.  SO FUNNY!)

When I was pregnant a girlfriend emailed me this, "11 Lessons to decide if you really want to become a parent."  Um, clearly she was a little late... 

As I read through the email I laughed hysterically. Surely the 11 Lessons had to be a joke. Right? I mean how could something so reDONKulous become my reality?


Oh. God. It. So. Did. 


Without further ado... Here are the 11 lessons that are Oh. So. true... 


FYI: 
 One more thing before you read the rest of this post...

Top 10 Tuesday: Candy Coated Baby Crap (Best of 2013 #8)

Top 10 Tuesday: Candy Coated Baby Crap (Best of 2013 #8)
(For the Best of 2013 here is #8… Still SO true!)


A few days ago I was contacted via email by one of my dearest Blog followers about an idea for a post.  The email reads as follows…



“…Whenever I go through a new parenting experience that I feel like I

should have been prepared for, I think back to what my Been-There-Done-That friends told me about the experience and I feel completely screwed! What I mean is they sugar-coated EVERYTHING.... like "Get all the sleep you can before baby comes..." but never did anyone tell me honestly how tired and horrible I would feel on 3 hours of sleep. What I would have liked to hear was "It's going to suck, you are going to be perpetually tired for the next 3 years, so get used to it and you CAN function off 3 hours of sleep, but it will be hell".  “….I'd love to hear from you and comments from others what sugar-coated things people told you while you were pregnant and now that you are in the thick of being a new parent what you wish they would have honestly told you. Kind of like a top 10 list or something.”



Here is my Top 10 list of Sugar Coated Baby advice I received while I was pregnant, and the real meaning behind it.

12/23/13

My Marital Bliss (FTD Post-Best of 2013)

(Here is #9 of the Top 10 favorite Posts of 2013...)

Howdy interweb readers and welcome to the wonderful, wild and wanky world of FTD!  As my wife is consumed with important html, javas and mac-book thingo's tonight, I thought that I would take this opportunity to lead you on a grand tour of cheap-thrills, saucy adventure and bloggedy blog excitements.


So...sit back, balance the 'ole laptop, ipad or other wireless device on yer guts, get a nice big bag o chips, a Pepsi Max, moist towelette etc etc and READ ON...

For TODAY the topic of choice is:
Crazy things that First Time Mom does to PISS me off!
==========================================

12/19/13

The One Thing I Am Most Thankful For This Holiday Season…

My Family, and their health.  More to the point, that FTD is here... Alive



While I am sure it sounds a bit silly that I would say that, out of the blue, it's true.  I did not share this with you, my friends and readers, but this past July, FTD found out that he was pre-diabetic, and if he continued down his current path, he would be diagnose Type II Diabetes in no time. To say we were both devastated and shocked by the news, would be an understatement.

Today, I am partnering with Mom It Forward and Colgate Total to bring awareness to National Diabetes Month, and the importance of oral care. But first, I am going to share a very personal story about how Diabetes has impacted my family. While this post is being sponsored, the opinions and views are all my own.  Trust me, no one would make up this story.




12/18/13

I Cannot Believe THIS Baby Became THAT Boy! #AMAZING

Today I found myself staring at my nearly two-year-old son in complete awe. All I could think was, THIS little miracle of nature that I grew in my belly, had become THAT amazing little boy…

Then the next thing I knew, I waxing the hell out of nostalgia.  I mean, seriously, how could I not…

THIS Fatty Fat Fat Preggie Boom Boom…    Delivered THAT Miracle 24 hours later...

 THEN…

12/17/13

Top 10 Tuesday: Our Favorite Parenting Gifts, Gadgets and Products of 2013


It's hard to believe I have conducted over one-hundred product reviews during 2013.  What's more, with each review taking up to four hours from start to publish… that's a lot of hours of my life testing and typing about parenting products! As I look back, a few stick out that are worth mentioning. Mainly because I either got so much use out of them, or still in fact use the product/service today, that I have decided to share my absolute favorite things. This post is filled with great gift ideas...  As a disclaimer, I am not being compensated in anyway for this post!  All links are to my actual review of the featured products in this post. I promise, this is the stuff we truly love!

12/16/13

The Date That Saved My Marriage

One thing I talk about off and on is how having a baby can be absolute hell on a relationship. I am convinced that Babies Eat Bliss. In my own personal experience, and from talking with other new parents, the stress, lack of sleep, internal fear and insecurities about parenthood, and even the financial burden can/will crack even the strongest of relationships.

FTD and I have been struggling since nearly the first month of our son's life. Between the constant fear of SIDS (cot death), lack of sleep, struggles with nursing, financial burden, and of course, our sometimes different ideas on childrearing... we were both maxed out emotionally. At times, it was just way too much for our relationship.

12/11/13

Is it just my Toddler, or can all of them lap me in a race?

It all happens so fast.  Babies go from being newborn slugs to floppers and then crawlers.  Then the crawlers turn into cruisers and finally walkers. All of this happens in just a matter of months.

I have loved watching my little baby become this mobile little deviant toddler. He thinks sitting still is for losers and stays fast and loose all day long.  To be honest, I didn't mind chasing his mobile mayhem bottom around so much at first. I need to lose a few pounds around the ole butt-gut.  (That's right sometimes I look in the mirror and think my ass is on backwards. I'm working on it!) However, my delight in Oliver's need for speed ended when the little bugger lapped me in Target!


12/6/13

Listen Up Parents, Don't Let This Take You Out of The Game…#IMPORTANT!

Mom. Dad. Is your partner in parenting crime sick?  Yes. SUCKS TO BE THEM!  Go put their ass in bed before reading another sentence.

Are you a single parent and are sick? Yes.  SUCKS TO BE YOU! Call for help. MAYDAY someone, then go put your own ass in bed.

OK. Everyone who should be in bed, in bed? Yes. Then, let's get started.

Being sick sucks. We all know that.  Well, since I have been freakishly healthy for the past two years, I forgot how debilitating it can be to be sick, but now I know. Oh, yes. Now, I know.  I have been sick for nearly two weeks. TWO BLOODY WEEKS! First it was the man-child who was sick, then FTD. Then, once the two of them were better, it hit me like a ton of shitty-sick-bricks.  Some of you know this progression because I have already blogged about it. (HERE) So then, why am I still pissing on about being sick?  I'll tell you why... (and you better listen, because it will save you and your partner in parenting crime a lot of trouble!)

Oh Facebook... You have gone too far...




I know, HATE is a horrible filthy word, but dammit, Facebook is horrible and filthy too. In the past three days I have had my account locked, claiming I may not be who I say I am, but not that it really matters, because they are holding my Fan Page info hostage until I pay for ads! #Jerks

12/1/13

Socially Unacceptable Sunday-The Best of the Best This Past Week.

For your viewing pleasure, here are my favorite Social Media Moments from around the web this past week.

My Favorite Tweets…



Yours too?

Well that's good to know… Women still wear stockings?
Yeah!  What he said!
Damn! Why didn't I think of that?!

In my day, they only dreamed of computers like this... The HP Chromebook.

**Today I am partnering with HP and Walmart to blow your mind over the new HP ChromeBook.  While I have been compensated for this post, all opinions are my own.

I am not sure how, but at only 35-years old, when talking to my son and nephews I am already starting sentences with, "In my day…"  For example:

1. In my day, we had to plug a phone cord into a computer to use the Internet. It was called, "Dial-Up."  

2. In my day, most families only had one computer that they shared called a, "Desktop PC." 

3. In my day, we didn't have mobile phones, we had "beepers." 

4. In my day, "Hashtags" were our secret beeper code.  My code was '#2'. And they really were not called Hashtags.

5.  In my day when your computer crashed, so did all of your information and life with it… oh wait that still happens...  Except to people with their head in the cloud. The Google Cloud that is.

6. In my day they did not make laptop computers that stayed connected to the internet, while constantly backing up your information into the "cloud" for instant access--no matter where you were in the world-- with thousands of apps that do millions of things, with built-in anti-virus software and HD graphics no less… In fact, in my day, they couldn't even imagine them! Well, until now...

The new HP Chromebook 14" with Intel Processor, 4GB Memory, 16GB SSD and Included 4G Mobile Internet Service, is here Those brilliant geniuses over at HP have come up with the best Google Chromebook yet… Prepare to have your mind blown…



Move Over Loom Bands, The Newest Craze Is About To Hit! ZooMoos! #LOVE

When I first saw ZooMoos I thought, well those are cute, what are they?  Then, once I learned what they were, that was it for me, I had to have one… I present to you the next kid craze to sweep the nation, ZooMoos!


Prepare to fall in love…

The Archives