FTD's Top 10 Earth Day Tips #TheManIsNotRight #Hilarious

Hello dear readers, I have a huge project I'm just wrapping up, so I've asked FTD for some help with a post I'm working on for Earth Day. (April 22nd) That's when he reminded me of the last time he "helped" me with an Earth Day...

Oh.

Yeah.

How could I forget...

So, while I'm putting the finishing touches on my post, I thought I would share those tips, because everyone deserves a laugh... (FYI: Before sending hate mail, see our disclaimer at the bottom of the blog.) 

I present, FTD's Top 10 Tips To Make Every Day Earth Day... Which, is HIGHLY debatable.  I know, we've been debating each item on the list. Which, feels like the equivalent of debating quantum physics with a toddler...

                                      

Forgive him readers, for he knows what he does, and does it anyway... 

(Warning: These tips are so wrong, The EPA is probably going to fine us.)

Top Tip #1 - Save GALLONS of water and toilet paper by simply pooping and whizzing when you have a shower! The wife's loofah makes a wonderful, reusable butt-cleaner.

Top Tip #2 - Drivers...put a few kilos of pebbles and rocks into your gas tank so you can fill up your car for less money!

Top Tip #3 - Save electricity by shortening all the leads to your electrical appliances.

Top Tip #4 - Run out of Christmas wrapping paper? Simply get some 'Happy Birthday' paper and write 'Jesus' after Happy Birthday!

Top Tip #5 - Drivers...deflate your car tires before going to the gas station so you can get your moneys worth when you pay 75c to fill 'em up.

Top Tip #6 - A pear makes an perfect chicken-leg substitute for vegetarians!

Top Tip #7 - Going for a drink after work? Reduce your carbon footprint by giving a pint of blood to the Red Cross first...Hey Presto - every drink is like a 'double'.

Top Tip #8 - Goths...save money and the environment by NOT buying expensive black nail-polish. Simply strike each fingernail sharply with a mechanics hammer.

Top Tip #9 - Mix together some human hair, ramen noodle dregs, potato skins and congealed fat to make an organic plug for any kitchen sink.

AND finally... 

Top Tip #10 - Save landfill paper-towels by 'nuking' recently washed pots and pans in the microwave on 'high' for a minute or two.

Oh... FTD... 

You have to love him right?

In an effort to at least offer some useful information, check out this infographic from the Lorax... (And check back very soon for my super awesome post full of great tips... that are actual tips!)

Bring on Mother's Day!

Fun Fact: My birthday sometimes falls on Mother's Day. Thankfully, it's not this year.  

Growing up, I never minded when my birthday fell on Mother's day.  I always felt like my birthday was a celebration for my mother too.  But, now that I am a mom, no freaking way do I want to combo the only two days out of the year I get to sleep-in and have breakfast in bed! 

Another strange realization I had when I became a mother, was that what I want for Mother's Day is vastly different than what I expected. I want to relax, put my feet up, maybe do a little shopping, take a nap, eat a cupcake, take a quiet stroll through the neighborhood... you know, anything but spend my day hip-to-hip with my child. That's right, I said it, for Mother's day I want to spend the majority of the day alone.  Who knew? I was sure Mother's Day was all about spending every waking minute with my mom!

Dear Mom, I totally get it now... sorry I insisted on coming with you shopping, going for that walk  and demanding half your cupcake... whoops.  Love, April

For me, a stay-at-home-mom, 365 days out of the year I am hip-to-hip with my child, so when someone says to me, "It's your day! What do you want to do?" Of course I am going to think of things, *I* want to do! I want to sleep, read a good book, shop without chasing a toddler, go for a walk where I don't have to stop every two feet to watch my child pick up or poke something with a stick, I want to eat a cupcake... I want to just enjoy the day on my terms, not a toddlers. 

Of course it never plays out like that, and truthfully it shouldn't. Mother's Day is as much for my son and husband, as it is for me. It's a day to let me family show their appreciation for me. It's a day to let them shower me with the Best Mother's Day gifts they can find.  It's a day to spend together as a family having fun, because after all, with out them I would not be a mother!

And so, in a couple of weeks, when FTD and Ollie bust into my bedroom carrying my ceremonial Mother's Day breakfast in bed, I will graciously accept it and then ask, "So, What do you two have planned for us today?!"

The Boy Who Cried: POO POOS, MOMMY!

Potty training... ugh!  Ever since that first, "Mommy! Potty!" I have had my eye on the prize-- a diaper free existence. Too bad no matter how hard I keep my eye on the prize, it all hinges on the whim of a two-year-old.  A two-year-old with a raging case of the boy who cried, POO POOS, MOMMY! And yes, that means what you are thinking, just like the boy who cried WOLF! for all the wrong reasons, my toddler cries POO POOS! for all the wrong reasons...

                                                

I dream of the day I only use diapers as redneck coasters.

When my kid yells anything that has to do with going to the potty, I jump up, grab him and run to the nearest potty. Doesn't every parent desperate to get out of diapers?? Too bad, my son has figured out that he can control me, and his ability to choose whether or not he wants to do something simply by saying those three magic words, Poo poos, mommy...

Yes, he calls everything that comes out, poo poos. I learned this the hard way when he said the three magic words that got us up and running to the potty, because unfortunately once he was de-diapered and ready for the potty, he jumped in the bathtub and immediately peed, all while laughing and saying, Look! Poo poos, mommy!  Of course, I try to correct him, but in his stubborn toddler ways, he still calls it what he wants.

Sorry, I digress...

Back to the magic words.

It's now been two months since that first successful trip to the potty, and while I wish I could say there have been many more successful trips, there have not. What has been successful, is Ollie learning that if he says he needs to go potty, regardless of wether or not he really has too, we will let him stop doing what ever he doesn't want to do immediately.  What's worse, we have no choice in the matter.  If the kid says, potty, there is no room for discussion. There is no, "Are you sure you need to go potty?" I know, I have asked and got a, Yep. Potty!  And no big surprise, I get nothing but a happy boy streaking through the house.

I recently spoke with a few been-there-done-that parents about this, and all agreed, if I want to potty train the kid I need to make it my number one focus. As in, spend two weeks making it my job by constantly staying on top of it. Which includes, letting Ollie run around the house free balling and peeing everywhere until he understands the sensation, and then where to go once he feels it coming on.

You all, SUCK! SUCK! SUCK! SUCK!  (Please feel free to replace all preceding "Ss" with "Fs" to make it read truer.

I have no desire to let this kid poop and pee all over the house... any more than he already does!  I also have no desire to spend the next year or so jumping every time my kid yells, POO POOS, Mommy. Especially when it is just to get out of going to sleep or any other activity he has no desire doing. I spoke with his Parent's Day Out teacher and she said this crying potty-wolf was completly normal... All kids do it. Somehow, I do feel so much better knowing I'm not the only parent chasing a streaker.

So, clearly I am stuck between a free balling potty free for all, and a year of running to the potty for no reason. Not really sure what to do...  What are you doing?

The 10 Greatest Moments From The Best. Weekend. Ever! #ContinentalMom #ForWhatYouDo

Today's Top 10 Tuesday is packed full of my favorite moments from my weekend with Continental in San Antonio and Uvalde, Texas. INSANE! INSANE! INSANE!

My friends, this past weekend was up there in awesomeness with my wedding and Ollie's birth. Seriously. Thanks to Continental Tires, I met 10 incredible top bloggers across different platforms, I ate amazing food, I had my every need anticipated and provided for, I learned about the different measures of tire tread and what they really meant, I got to compare the top leading tire manufacturer's tires in multiple driving scenarios, I learned life saving driving skills, I got to ride in a helicopter and in a 150k BMW Drift car, shoot skeet, and see the Alamo! All in 36 hours! INSANE!!!! I just kept thanking everyone, and in-between pinching myself to make sure it all was not a dream.

Not Only Does The World Not Stop When Mom Goes Away, Dad LOVES It...

Would you believe that Ollie didn’t cry once for me while I was away?  When I would call, Skype or FaceTime all I got were smiles and tales of his adventures with FTD.  PLANES, Mommy!--FTD Took him to the local airfield. “Walk-a-wagon, Mommy!”--FTD took him for a walk in the wagon twice a day. “Sghetti and chippies, Mommy!” --Dad-dinner of pasta and fries. “Ollies’ House, Mommy!"--FTD took him to see our new house. The tales of their adventures went on and on, with FTD in the background filling in the details. I couldn’t believe my ears, after all my worrying over leaving Ollie, he was having a grand time with daddy; clearly unaffected by my absence.

Day One. Going To Work With Daddy

Weighing up the purchase options for your next car

With the automobile market becoming increasingly competitive, there are a lot of tempting deals out there for a family in the market for a new vehicle. Low monthly payments, 0% APR and scores of other shiny bells and whistles are jangled about to distract you from your senses. Whether you opt to lease or purchase, there is always a degree of financial risk, so it is crucial to weigh up some pros and cons before making a final decision.

Caught Between, 'I Am Going To Miss You So Much' and 'PEACE OUT!'

I'm getting on a plane and flying far away from FTD and Ollie. I am really torn about this. Part of me wants to hold Ollie so tight and smother him with kisses and 'I Love Yous' until I leave. The other part of me wants to pack my shit and head to the airport a little early. The mom in me doesn't want to go. The me in me  that is desperate to wear heels and nice clothes and have grown up conversations, is so excited to board that plane for my awesome weekend. Regardless, all of me doesn't feel bad one bit that I am going.

It's hard to believe that in the two-years, two-months and eight days since my son was born, I have not spent more than six hours away from him. No overnights to grandmas house, no business trips or cousin sleepovers. Truth be told, I am OK with that. I miss Ollie when I am away from him for one-hour. So the thought of being away from him for nearly 60 hours is a lot to process!

The only thing holding me back from being 100% stoked to get away (alone) for the weekend is my worry over how Ollie will react to me being gone. I worry about what Ollie will think when mommy doesn't come home for two sleeps? I wonder if he will give FTD hell over going to sleep without mommy. I wonder if he will think I have left him for good...   

I am looking so forward to the weekend. I need to get away and recenter to me.  I need to be off mommy duty for a couple of days.  And well, in addition to all of the awesomeness that is planned...  I am SO SO SO SO looking forward the bed at the hotel. I dream of it's emptiness. I dream of it's quietness. I dream of it's clean sheets that have not had any dirty fingers or snotty noses rubbed all over them. For two nights in a row I get to sleep in a clean bed by myself without the fear of a little toddler staring at me at three in the morning screaming, WAKE UP MOMMY! I only have one word for it, Bliss.  Pure freaking good night sleep bliss!

FYI: That's what my bed heaven looks like...

This may sound silly, but I do wonder how much I will miss him and if my heart will physically hurt being away from him for so long. I know how much I miss him when I am away from him for two hours, so I cannot imagine how much I will miss him when I am away for two days! I insist dropping him off at the church for mommy's day out is the greatest moment of my day, until I go back to pick him up... THAT is the greatest moment of my day.  Oh my gosh I have to stop talking about missing him, it's making me miss him already!

As much of a badass kickass super duper dad FTD is... I'd be lying if I said I was not a little worried about FTD being in charge for the weekend. I know in my heart that FTD is completely capable of looking after Ollie for the weekend. I know the two will probably have the best time eating shit and wrecking the joint. But I also know first-hand that looking after a toddler for six-hours straight is a whole lot of work, so to think FTD is on duty for 60-hours straight... SUCKS!  I have no doubt by the time my plane lands FTD will be one crazed daddy. I wouldn't be surprised if he hands me Ollie and the car keys at the airport and tells me he is going to have a few drinks at the airport bar and will catch a cab home.  I know I would.

FTD when it's all over...

When I get all caught up in should I go, should I not go, I remind myself that I am going, it's going to happen, and it's going to be SO MUCH FUN! I also know that when I get back all will be even better than when I left. Still, it's not easy to just leave, so I have started to hold Ollie a little tighter and closer, and for a little longer before putting him in his crib to sleep. I have also planned a big day for us today so he will have his fill of mom and boy time before I leave... and so will I.

Bottom line: I desperately need this time away, and am so excited for all of the amazing events I get to attend being a brand ambassador for Continental. Still, that doesn't mean I won't spend a good part of my time away wondering what FTD and Ollie are up to, and how much crap they have consumed while wrecking the house...

Have you gone away from your child(ren)?  Please tell me about it...

I'm a Continental Mom! I'm Still In Shock... #ForWhatYouDo #ContinentalMom

A couple of months ago I received an email that made me sit down, and yell for FTD.  A media representative from Continental reached out to let me know I had been chosen to be a Continental Mom! Growing up around cars, I knew this was big. Really big. That's why my legs failed me. I was in complete shock!  After FTD read the email, he said, "Well done, baby. Call your brother, he is going to be so proud of you too. But tell him to sit down before you tell him... (My brother owns an import racing and off-road fabrication business. Essentially, he custom builds race cars and off-road vehicles from the ground up... and puts Continental's tires on most of them.)

Ring... Ring... Ring...
(We call each other "bro." We have been doing it since we were kids. It's a Miami thing...)
Bro: Hey, what's up Bro?
Me: What's up Bro! Are you sitting Down?
Bro: Oh, no. What have you done?
Me: I'm a Continental Mom!
Bro: A What?! Oh, God. You have lost your mind... Are you pregnant again?
ME: NO! Continental has chosen me to be a brand ambassador for their newest tire TrueContact. They are flying me to San Antonio and then taking me to their proving grounds in Uvalde to test the tires on various tracks under various weather conditions.
Bro: ...
ME: Bro? Are you there?
Bro:  I think I just crapped my pants! YOU are going to Uvalde? YOU! Not me, the McCormick that dreams of driving on those grounds. YOU?
ME: Damn straight! ME! ME! ME! ME! Not FTD or Ollie either. JUST ME!!! And I have every intention of testing the hell out of those tires. I mean, Drive it like you stole it! testing...
BRO: Well... At least I know you will do our name proud, and leave a lasting impression on those fools who chose the wrong McCormick!
Me: I'll take lots of pictures.
Bro: I'm really proud of you sister, go make me proud.

You all... I AM SO SO SO SO excited about this!!! As a brand ambassador for Continental, I will be flying to San Antonio this weekend to test out their newest tire, TrueContact. Why in the world would they want moms to do that you ask? Because, the tires were designed with moms in mind! After all, we are the ones who put the majority of miles on the family car, we should feel safe and secure. Plus, believe it or not, the tires on your car dictate a big part of your safety, fuel economy and carbon footprint! The TrueContact tire maximizes safety and savings across the board!

Oh, and in addition to the ridiculous amount of photos and selfies I plan to take and Instagram like a rockstar... The awesome PR team at Continental is going to make a mini movie just for me! I'll share that next week when I get home from my super awesome adventure. Wish me luck!

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We Bought A 1920's Fixer-Upper! Why, Yes... We Are Completely Nuts!

My friends, after what seems like forever and a day, FTD and I bought a house. Needless to say, we are so excited... And scared as can be. This place is three times the size of our shoebox condo and twice the monthly payment, but OH MY GOODNESS it has everything we want, including a huge backyard to release the beast (Ollie) into! SO. SO. SO. SO EXCITED!

Clearly, its a fixer upper...  and when I say "fixer-upper" I mean, needs more TLC than a guy suffering from a common cold. Our little slice of 1920's heaven has wallpaper everywhere, hardwood that are pristine in some rooms, but then desperate for restoration in others--some genius glued vinyl to them in the 60's-- and throughout the house there are fixtures that I'm pretty sure Christopher Columbus brought over with him---I'm totally using them too! Even though there are a few updates, for the most part, this house has barely been updated since the 60's. There's even an old converted oil lamp in the kitchen, and even a crystal chandelier hanging in this strange side room FTD and I have no idea what to do with.  You all this place is the goods. We have been looking at some great Hinkley lighting which may be our next addition for a fresh update.  

After the home inspection FTD and I went home, first I threw up from all of the things the house needed, then made a list of the repairs and cosmetic upgrades needed to make this place move-in ready. The list was three pages long and estimated to cost near 10k-- if we have it done professionally. Yes, Ten Thousand American Dollars needed to move in.

Do we have that? Hell, no! We just bought a house!

Due to our financially strapped situation, we will have to get very creative with the needed renovations. So, while that is bad news for us, it's REALLY good news for those of you interested in DIY... shared by two clowns; One clown with lots and lots of DIY experience (FTD--restored two victorian mansions in OZ) and one that has absolutely NO clue what the hell is going on (ME-restored... um... well... I can make... um... That wall paper, I can take that down.)!

How cute is that fireplace???

Over the next few months prepare to be wowed with some DIY awesomeness!  We plan to even video some of the DIY moments just in case they are funny enough to submit to America's Funniest Home Videos so we can win the 10k we need to avoid any further DIY embarrassment!  For example, we need a privacy fence. One we cannot afford. So FTD being the ever resourceful one that he is, has found that we can buy Bamboo fencing that will somehow magically roll out around the existing chain link fence to give me the privacy I need, at a third of the cost of a wood fence. Who knew?!

 I can already tell "rolling out our privacy fence" will be SUPER DUPER FUNNY! very informative to those interested.

In addition to the fear of the rather large mortgage payment and the three page renovation list with the 10k price tag, I am also worried about how Ollie will take to the move. All he has ever known is his little room in the shoebox. I already told FTD before we move in, I want to make Ollie's new room look EXACTLY like his current room. I want him to wake up in the middle of the night in the new house and see familiar things. I also want him to love this home as much as I do, so I am trying to do everything I can to make him comfortable. Every time Ollie and I go over to the house or even drive by it, we have a big talk about how it's Ollie's new house with his new blue bedroom room and BIG backyard for swings and slides. I am sure after a couple of weeks he will get settled...

Today, we bask in the glory of finding our perfect little slice of home. Tomorrow, we figure out how in the hell we are going to get the ugliest vinyl floor the 60's ever spit out unglued from a once beautiful hardwood floor... WHOO HOOO I cannot wait!!!

Who glues that to hardwood???

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It's All Fun And Games Until It's Your Kid Riding The Flamingo

"I promise, one day you will laugh about this..." Those are the famous words every parent will hear at least once during their journey through parenting. And nine times out of ten, it's true. Even if at the time it seems impossible. Such is the case with one of my best friends, when yesterday while she and her husband were shopping for patio furniture, her two year old attempted to mount and ride a metal Flamingo landscape ornament in the middle of a major hardware store.  FULL of people.

Toddler to dad when being removed physically from the store: Why Leaving?
Dad to Toddler: Because son, the party ended when you tried to ride the Flamingo.
Mom and Dad: Not happy! 
Everyone else in the world: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

So. Funny! To me and you only of course. She doesn't see the humor... yet...

While my friend recounted the horrific day of shopping with her husband and two boys, I could not help but laugh hysterically. And truth be told, part of me was laughing because I was relieved it was her telling the story and not me. It easily could have been me telling this tale of out of control children. What with having Thing1 (FTD) and Thing2 (Ollie) to contend with on shopping trips. Some of you may remember the time FTD decided while in the bathroom fixture section of the hardware store, it was a perfect time to teach Ollie how to use the potty, and wash his hands...

Yeah, see how fast the tables turn?

Of course, in between fits of laughter, I was full of encouraging comments for my friend. You know things like, Oh it wasn't that bad... Who cares what those douche canoes giving you the stink eye think...  You know how toddlers are... This too shall pass... I was the mother's food bank serving up spoonfuls of of great mother advice. (Read: Spoonfuls of Hypocrite because it's advice I rarely follow.)

Every time my kid acts like that I am equally, if not more, annoyed, embarrassed and crazed. Do I follow my advice?  Hell, no.  But here is the thing, I really meant what I was saying, who cares about those people, toddlers are a special breed, this is just a phase it will pass. You don't see grown men climbing on things... (disregard above photo of FTD for sake of conversation.)

That's what got me thinking; The next time Ollie tries to climb on a yard ornament (because I have no doubt if presented with the opportunity he would try to pole vault onto it using a stick he found in aisle 5) or just business as usual, lose his toddler mind in the public, What if I stepped back and tried to look at the situation as an outsider? Ask myself, Is what's going on really as bad as I think? 

What if I stopped freaking out so much when Ollie refuses to listen or behaves like a child possessed by a-holes, and just kind of accepted it as part of parenting. I just deal with it and move on, without letting it ruin any more of my day than necessary. You know, take on the school of thought I try to push on my friends.  If I can say, This Too Shall Pass to every one, why can't I believe it applies to me too? Why can't I laugh at my own kid too?

Of course when my kid goes batass crazy I will reprimand him, and do all of the appropriate 'parenting' things. But if I could just find a way to relax and and not get so worked up when my toddler is exceptionally embarrassing or naughty, then maybe I will have tapped into the true secret behind good parenting. A.k.a. Surviving parenting a toddler with my sanity and smile.

I have to try something, because from what I hear the toddler twos and threes are much worse than just screaming and mounting metal flamingos in the hardware store. So, from now on when Ollie screams in my face, or runs away I am going to try to not get so crazed and discouraged by his behavior, but think of it as a phase that WILL pass, and maybe even will eventually look back and laugh at.  Even if it is a psycho ward certifiable laugh.

FYI: I Am A Control Freak, And FTD Is An Awesome Dad

One of the hardest lessons for me to learn about parenting so far is the importance of standing back and letting FTD be a 'dad', even if I found his ways silly, unconventional, and down right obnoxious.

Starting the minute we brought our son home from the hospital, I stood over FTD's shoulder directing and correcting him whenever he tried to care for our son.  I couldn't help it!  I felt this overwhelming need to micromanage his every step.  I was positive my ways were the best, and I don't mean that in a malicious I am better than him way, I was just sure that the natural gift of the mother's instinct made it so I knew things that he didn't. Well, it turns out, he had a father's instinct...