Pee and Donkeys: Such Is My Life With A Toddler #StopsayingDONKEY #ToiletsAreNOTCarWashes

Holy crap. I don't even know where to start! All I know is that I need to rant or my brain will explode.

I don't understand how one day my toddler is a joy to be around (Mostly), then the next day, he's washing his cars in the toilet and/or abusing the word, DONKEY.

Yes, Donkey.

Right now, I have two major toddler troubles:

1. My kid can't keep his damn hands out of the toilet.

I suppose I'll start this rant with my latest potty training issues...

FYI: Potty Training + Toddler Independence = Pee EVERYWHERE.

Being a first-time parent, I read everything I could find about potty training. I read that I should let my child lead the way. Not scold him for accidents. Use words like penis and buttocks.

So I did.

What did it get me?

Peed on.

I've also had my mop shoved in the toilet. (On TWO different occasions!) Hot Wheels taking a dip in the toilet. a.k.a the "car wash." Toddler hands, shoes, and God knows what else shoved in the toilet for God knows why.

In an effort to combat the germ explosion, in between scolding him for playing in the toilet and timeouts, I did my best to keep the bathrooms sparkly clean and disinfected.

What did that get me?

The realization that all that cleaning still could not stop my toddler from toilet terrorism.

Last night, while I started the bath, Ollie climbed up on the potty and proceeded to pee ON the toilet in his haste. He jumps down, and before I know what's happening, he grabs a washcloth, dips it in the toilet, PRE-FLUSH, then wipes up the pee... WITH PEE!!!


While most might cry, I'm so freaking used to his toilet antics, I only momentarily lost my shit! I took the washcloth away, put him in the tub, and proceeded to clean the bathroom. For the second time that day.

I'm so at a loss over his obsession with the toilet, and how to break it. I'm throwing up my hands and hoping this phase will pass. Soon.

The kid is clearly immune to timeouts and stern talks about proper toilet etiquette.

Being that clearly my toddler is on a mission to make me lose m mind, he's picked up another horrifying habit; He's got a problem with either asking someone if they are a donkey or just pointing and saying, You're a donkey.

The Donkey business is pure dumbassery.

The other day, we were in the checkout line at the grocery store when the lady behind us starts talking to Ollie. I'm unloading the cart, and half listening to the conversation, when Ollie says to the lady, while pointing right at her,"YOU are a Donkey!" and then proceeds to nearly piss himself laughing.

Again, while most might cry, I'm so freaking used to it, I only momentarily lost my shit.


Who? Where? How?

Who taught my kid to call people a donkey?

Of course, when I tried the whole, "would you like someone to call you a donkey?" he thought it would be AWESOME.

So much so, he called himself a donkey for the rest of the day.

In the back of my mind, I can't help but feel slightly responsible, my sense of humor is all jacked up too. I have a hard time with the word, Beaver. I laugh EVERY TIME I hear it. Every. Single. Time.

I suppose I should be happy that he doesn't know, ASS, is another word for donkey.

FYI: I'm not taking all of the blame for my kid's ridiculousness, FTD a HUGE part of the reason Ollie's sense of humor is jacked up...

I told FTD we needed a grand work of art to put over our fireplace... THIS is what he sent me... 

April is an award-winning writer and blogger. Her work has been published in over ten countries and four languages. From books to newspapers, to print/online magazines and everything in between, you can find her work. For more on April, Visit