WARNING! Potty Training: There's A Sick Twist At The End... #EpicFail

I love being a parent. It's the most amazing and insane experience in the world. Of course, it didn't take long (4.3 seconds)  to realize being a mother was going to be scary, incredibly hard and beyond rewarding. It also didn't take long to learn that wishing for milestones was dumbassery.

I couldn't wait for my baby to learn to crawl, so when he finally did it, I cheered and clapped... and then lost him!  In seconds, he would disappear around a corner or under a table. It turned out, crawling brought new challenges.

Then, bored with crawling, I wished for walking.  #epicfail

Walking brought on falls, bumps, and eventually running, which proved to suckballs. The kid can out run me.

Talking.  OMG!  I couldn't wait to hear his voice. #Fail

Then, one day, the word NO! popped out causing me to immediately regret my wish for talking.

So, now, here we are at potty training...

Hell yeah, I wished for it. Surely, there could not be any downsides to being out of diapers!  #Wrong #fail

My friends, having a newly potty trained toddler is SO FREAKING GROSS!

Having a newly potty trained toddler really means:
  • If my child is lazy, slow, preoccupied or just can't-be-bothered, he will go where he stands.  
  • My toddler is OBSESSED with the bathroom and toilet. He's desperate to play in it like it's a pool. 
  • Learning to, "pee like a bog boy standing up," is the equivalent of turning a pee filled fire hose on without holding it. 
  • I have to clean the bathroom at least once a day. Needless to say, I'm now buying disinfecting wipes by the PALLET.
  •  The butt wiping doesn't stop with diapers, in fact, sometimes it's messier.  Especially when he tries to do it on his own first.
  • I spend more time in the bathroom then any other room of my house. If I'm not wiping ass I'm cleaning it up or trying to keep my toddler out of it.
  • He's obsessed with potty language and humor. The other day he sang an entire song comprised of ONLY the words Poop, pee and butt. (This also may just be a boy thing since FTD still does the same thing.)

It's ridiculous the amount of time my kid spends obsessed with hanging out in the bathroom. If he's not trying to pee in the potty, he's trying to play in it. For the past two days I have been laughing about the sick twist potty training pulled out. I was so sure it would all be OK once he was trained.  Oh how freaking wrong I was.

So, what words of wisdom do I have for those following in my footsteps?  Start stocking up on disinfecting wipes, because those little fingers are going to manhandle the potty.

April is an award-winning writer and blogger. Her work has been published in over ten countries and four languages. From books to newspapers, to print/online magazines and everything in between, you can find her work. For more on April, Visit AprilMcCormick.com