Sep 3, 2014

THIS Is What Happens When You Turn Your Back On A Toddler...

At exactly two and a half, my toddler has reached what I like to think of as the epicenter of his ridiculousness.  He is the king of testing limits, ignoring "NO's!" and all together trying to live by his rules. Getting him to stay in timeout for more than 20-seconds has officially become known as, Mission Impossible. And the stuff that's starting to fly out of his mouth... I know the parents of three and four year olds swear it gets worse, but I just can't imagine how.  No freaking way can it get any worse...  I will lose my freaking mind!

THIS is what happened when I turned my back on my toddler in the store...

He is in the ball cage. IN IT!

It gets worse?!


The thought of my kid getting progressively worse over the next two years, takes my breath away.  I just cannot imagine it. And I mean that in a, If I imagine it I will need a straight jacket and a vodka Valium direct I.V., sort of way.

Recently, my toddler has turned into such a little $h*t. No, make that a $h*t and a half! When he is in his, I don't care what you think or say because I can do what I want, element, he is horrifying! He hits, throws things, ignores me, and/or pinches me! WTF?! It's like he goes from sweet and helpful, to psycho and horrifying in 3.2 seconds.  

I am constantly telling him, and anyone who will listen, he is lucky he wasn't born in the 70's, because he would constantly have a red ass! In the 70's parents spanked... in the aisle of the grocery store. Now, in 2014, if I even think about spanking Ollie, not only do I feel like a HORRIBLE mother, I am afraid CPS will be at my door.  

With spanking out, and "talking about it" laughable, I am left with, timeout.  Which is basically, mission impossible. Trying to keep Ollie sitting in the timeout chair for 20-seconds takes me 20-minutes.  He is awful. The goal is to put him in timeout and make him stay sitting quietly for 20-seconds.  Yes, 20-stupid-measly-seconds, and it's still freaking impossible!

The way it works is, he has to sit in the chair for 20-seconds, and if he sticks even a toe on the ground before time is up, time starts over. You all, the little $h*t sits still for five seconds, then starts trying to test how close he can get his toe to the ground and still get away with it.  

Yesterday, he was terrible, and FTD and I were too... He was in timeout and kept trying to stick his toe down on the ground, so what do we do... Laugh. Both of us had to look away while we helped him count! FAIL!

Even though I insist my sick and childish sense of humor helps more than hurts when it comes to parenting, it's times like that when my kid is being cheeky and naughty, that I need help.  I nearly bit my tongue off trying not to laugh! 

I just can't even deal with the idea that it's going to get worse!  How? How can it get worse than this?



OR this...

          


HOW????

If my kid gets progressively worse, I will be in a padded room before he turns three! 

12 comments:

Alissa said...

You totally just made my day! How did he get in there??

April said...

Oh my...... I LOVE the picture of him in the ball pit! However, you described my not yet 2 year old to a T. Surely it can't get worse.

As for time outs we to "time ins" where she has to sit on our lap face in with her head on our chest for 1 minute. She HATES it when she is determined to act naughty. It works though..... She can't go anywhere and we become a safe place to re center.

Nathalie said...

Yeah, sorry, it *does* get worse. Mine is now 3.5, and while I have glimmers of hope on occasion, the time from 2.5 to now, particularly after 3 has been excruciating. The whining, the whining, the whining. The defiance, the demanding. Oh, did I mention the whining? Yeah, that. I now get moments of "you're the best Mommy ever", but the rest still outweighs it. I have learned to pick my battles, and negotiate like a UN Ambassador, as he is an expert. This is why they sell wine in a box, not because it's good, because it's fast and easy.

Nathalie said...

Oh, and I forgot, I gave up on time out a long time ago. He would actually put himself on time out after doing whatever it was he was told not to.

Anonymous said...

I found that my son realizes when he hurts someone that it's time out. But it doesn't deter him from doing it! He would hit my face and then ask for time out! DRAT! So, I started the non-punishment, super peaceful parent tactic. I would simply gently lift him up in my arms, or get to his level and hold and kiss his hands. "Hands are soft". Soft touches. It took THREE DAYS of this and he's a new child! He thinks very hard before he hits now, and sometimes puts his teeth on me, but doesn't bite down. For my son, a completely non-reactionary response to his behaviors has solved our problems. The bigger deal we make it, the more attention they get for their unpleasant actions. PUT A QUARTER IN AND GET A SHOW EFFECT. Toddlers want any attention, and don't see "negative" attention as such. It's all good. The toe on the ground thing is a tough one for toddlers :)Good luck super mama jama! --Amanda

Lauren Tobin said...

I am a spatter, but I too worry that the cops will show up at any time for me sparring his hand. But what else to do? I can't let the kid chew on live wires.

FirstTimeMomandDad.com said...

He just slipped in! I was reading birthday cards... The the next thing I know, people are pointing and laughing!

FirstTimeMomandDad.com said...

Ooh, time-ins... It's worth a try! Thank you!

FirstTimeMomandDad.com said...

"This is why they sell wine in a box, not because it's good, because it's fast and easy." HAHAHAHAHA!! That is soooo funny!!!

FirstTimeMomandDad.com said...

You are so right about wanting attention! Sometimes he gets in trouble on purpose, just for any attention. SUCKS!

FirstTimeMomandDad.com said...

My mom says sometimes span kings are the only way to get a toddlers attention. And that I won't got to hell or jail for parenting appropriately. There is a difference between swatting and beating. The problem is that my toddler hits back, so it's a double fail!

Uplifting Families Parenting Advice said...

I remember doing these stunts with my mom. I loved hiding in the racks at department stores. It would drive her crazy. I make my youngest stay with me or ride in the cart. It works fairly well.

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