Six weeks ago FTD took a full-time job, leaving me to be a full-time stay-at-home-mom. Prior to taking the job, FTD was an IT contractor, so he was able to set his schedule. We had a great thing going that allowed us to both to work on our careers, his consulting and my writing. Now, he is working ALL THE DAMN TIME! He leaves the house at 7:30am and does not get home until well after 5 Monday thru Friday, and more times than not so far, works on the weekends too. This new schedule basically has me with Ollie nearly 6 days a week, and the seventh we spend together as a family. Ugh. It's just too much.
I NEVER in my life thought I would be a SAHM. Never. Ever. Never.
Some days I full-on loathe being a SAHM. Some days I find enjoyment. Some days, I cry all day from the feeling of unfulfillment in life, and loneliness. Some days I cry all day just because I am feeling sorry for myself. FTD comes home talking about work and I get so jealous. I miss working. I miss my executive office. I miss feeling important (to more than a toddler), I miss cute shoes, I miss great clothes and haircuts. I miss so much. Most of all I miss the free spirited fun loving, fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants life I had before diaper bags, strollers and temper tantrums.
I try to remind myself how blessed I am to be able to stay home with my son. I know I will never get this time back. Being able to see every reached milestone, hear every new word as it comes out, and to be that full-time caregiver for my son is a true blessing. I truly know this... BUT! I cannot help but wish for more out of my life! I want SO. MUCH. MORE.
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| For the box "What I really do" the lady should also be holding a toddler while doing the housework, or chasing a toddler with clothes and a diaper. |
I have so many dreams, and some days I feel like it is near impossible to even have one come true. Those days I especially cry and feel sorry for myself. Those days I see nothing but the ass wiping, toy picking-up and kids shows. Those days I dream of sending Ollie to daycare and going back to work. Those days I call FTD at work and tell him I am the worst mother in the world, and that Ollie deserves better.
I really do not think I am cut out for being a SAHM. I cannot stand being "ON" for my son all day. I can only make so many Thomas the Tank train tracks, just to have them demolished SECONDS later. I can only read the same damn book, out of the stack of one-hundred, so many times, I can only watch the SAME Mickey Mouse or Wiggles, before wanting to put something through the TV--However, those shows help me to have a few minutes to myself, so I refrain from TV smashing.
Some days I am certain that I cannot do this SAHM thing anymore. I need more. Then I cry because I am an awful mother for not being 100% thankful for this time. Lately my life has become a vicious cycle that is full of ups and downs. I constantly remind myself that this time will pass, and that I will be so thankful for it. Then I feel like an ass for even feeling bad. Then I get mad because I do deserve more. Then the cycle repeats... This is pretty much how I waste the all important nap time.
I really just don't know what to think or do sometimes. I know I am lucky, I know ten years down the road I will look back and be thankful for this time, but the bottom line is that if I do not find something for myself to do or look forward to each week, AWAY from Ollie and FTD I will losing my fucking mind. Lose it! Maybe I already have...
I look at the other SAH-parents, especially ones with multiples, and wonder how in the hell they do it? How do they stay sane AND fulfilled while devoting 24/7 to their children. Is it just me loosing it? Surely it's not! Surely there is another SAH-Parents crying at nap time, wishing for more. Right?
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22 comments:
It is not easy being a stay at home or work at home parent. I too am having trouble finding the balance and getting my writing in. Creativity with a toddler doesn't always work. Hang in there mama, it does get easier.
Thank you for this... I am so glad to have this time with Lucy, but you are not alone
I have given up hope on balance , I am just looking for 20% me time at this point. And you are right, creative I am not right now.
I love the name Lucy. Ahhhhhhh, so I am not the only one! thank you.
It's not easy. We are all different people and we all want something to keep that fire burning. I found that when I started blogging, it really made me feel better about myself. I've never regretted being a SAHM, but if you feel like you need to do more, don't stop yourself!
You have my utmost sympathy and support. Being a SAHM absolutely sucks. It's boring as fuck, it's extremely hard work and relentless. I can say this with utter conviction and authority because I was one for 15 years bringing up my 5 children. Don't get me wrong, there were moments of untold bliss, wonderful contentment and some great times but for the most part I felt unfulfilled, very lonely and dare I say it, dissatisfied. I longed to go out to work if only to escape the domestic drudgery but I was caught in that catch 22 situation that many women find themselves in where it's going to cost more to employ someone else to look after their darlings, than they will make if they go out to 'work'. My husband left the house at 6am and didn't return until after 9pm in the evenings. He would always work at least one day over the weekend which meant that for 99% of the time I was the one stuck at home. I had no familial support but I did have some fantastic girlfriends and without them I think I would have gone absolutely loopy - I remember vividly pushing the vacuum cleaner around the house, weeping thinking 'is this it? is this really what it's all about?' I likened my days to building a brick wall and then watching as someone kicked it down, only to start the whole process the following day. Dearest April, hang in there girl! Try to have one day a week for yourself. Go and look at courses that you could do at a college say or join some sort of group - NOTHING to do with kids, just something for you. Man child is just at the age now where he will relish being in a toddler group and making his own friends and you my friend, can start thinking about what you want to do for you. Get yourself out of the rut and start looking at your options, I promise you it will make the world of difference and bring some much needed sanity back into your life! BIG HUGS Lottie xoxox
I certainly do not regret being a SAHM, I regret not loving it though! In fact, I feel like a compete shit for not loving it. And your right, the blog gives me the little outlet I need to feel semi-important. hugs.
Lottie. Lottie. Lottie. Love. Love. Love. Normally it is over at your blog that I sigh and think about how much I adore you. What a wonderful surprise and treat that you have come to my blog today! You must be in Spain...
THANK YOU SO MUCH! This comment was just wonderful. I know that it has not only helped me, but helped the other women feeling the same. I LOVE the brick wall analogy. That really is what some days feel like. Oh wise one... lots of love and hugs to you. xoxox
I wholeheartedly agree with you on this, and you know if I could cry (re: The Holiday), I would be crying right along with you... What's funny is, as much as I moan and groan about being a SAHM half the time, the thought of putting Chase in daycare fulltime in January sends me into a panic attack. Go figure. Can't I have it both? I vote for part time preschool and part time work, get the best of both... sigh... one day! :) Hang in there
I love this and appreciate your honesty so much. I feel the same way, exactly. And then feel bad, guilty and unacceptable as a mother. Thank you!
I love this and appreciate your honesty so much. I feel the same way, exactly. And then feel bad, guilty and unacceptable as a mother. Thank you!
While it really sucks there are other mothers struggling like me, it's nice to know I am semi-normal for it. Hugs.
I just want to hug you April! In just under 2 weeks I will be returning back to work. I have discovered this time around I am not cut out to be a SAHM either. It's a bittersweet realization but I am not. I have so much respect for you and all the other SAHM out there your job is so huge and important. But yes find something you love and get away each week!! Your sanity will thank you.
I just want to hug you April! In just under 2 weeks I will be returning back to work. I have discovered this time around I am not cut out to be a SAHM either. It's a bittersweet realization but I am not. I have so much respect for you and all the other SAHM out there your job is so huge and important. But yes find something you love and get away each week!! Your sanity will thank you.
I feel like that quite often as a WAHM. In my case I keep looking at my oldest who is 18 somehow and then I have to stop kyself from singing Cat's in the Cradle :) if I didn't blog and interact with other adults I would definitely need a rubber room!
Sweetie trust me we don't stay sane. I have my two and I baby sit on top of it. I'm completely insane and definitely broke down a few times while I didn't have a car cause that's my saving grace being able to get out of the house for a bit. You aren't a bad mother, you are just a person!
I can sympathize because on weekends, it's hard to keep my 16 mo old entertained all day long and still accomplish what needs to get done to function (eat, clothing, showered). I always thought having kids would keep you young, but I just feel OLDER and more tired. If I have any more kids, it can be only one more. I am so tired. My partner, he is so tired. He is a work-at-home parent. And it's so hard for him to grade papers and prep three college classes during the days. We feel guilty because our son watches at least an hour to hour and half of tv each day just so we can get a few minutes to take care of work or take a freaking poop. Sigh. Although we got a good one, he only sleeps about 12 hours total all day, at 16 months old! 10 hours if we're lucky overnight (most times 9.5), and then a 2 hour nap in the day usually. And he is awake between 430-530 every single freaking morning. Did I say I felt OLD yet? I'm 32. So, I get it. I get why you feel like there must be more than chopping and cutting into toddler sized bites and nap routines. But know this, I also feel the same way being a work away from home parent. And I don't mean to cue the mommy wars here at all! We're all in this parenting thing together! I notice the things my son does and sometimes I know it's because I am away most of the time. I think he wakes that early in the morning, and sleeps 2-3 hours in the day because he would rather be awake when mom is home. He knows if he wakes early, that he gets mom snuggles for at least an hour! That shit is hard! That is what makes me cry at night. Knowing all he wants is me, and this is the stage where he should have it. Also, HORMONES. Chics have hormones that make us think too much. My partner started a daily routine, just like if our son was at daycare. We will have music hour, craft time, playground time, snacks, naps, etc. It's the same routine everyday, just different activities. And it is WORK. But maybe you would have more fun with your days if you could plan lessons for Ollie? I don't know, just a thought. Kids his age love to learn and structure is good, for you both! Hugs April. I am green with envy that Ollie has you all day, but I also know how lucky I am to have a wonderful career and supportive WAHD for my son. Parenting is not for sissy's.
Ahhh. Amanda thank you for this comment! it is a post in itself. There is a whole different battle for the working parent. Like you said not to get into the 'mommy wars,' but there are equal challenges and tradeoffs. There is no perfect scenario, only best situations for each individual. Personally, I am caught in the middle.
I have been a stay at home mom for 20 + years. I have 4 kids, the oldest is now 24 and the youngest is 16. After the birth of my second daughter, I lost it. I would stare out the window wondering if anyone out there knew how awful my life was. There was a book I found called The Myth of the Bad Mother -- or something close to that. It saved me. I had thought that I was the only one who wasn't thrilled to be at home with my kids. Funny thing is, being a stay at home mom is what I had always wanted to do -- for me that made being unhappy even worse -- how had I not known what it was really like. Parenting is extremely hard and I truly feel that support from other moms is what gets us thru. When my oldest was three, she was throwing a tantrum for some candy in the grocery check out line -- full out screaming and stomping her feet. I refused to buy it and just let her scream -- of course I tried to get her to be quiet but it didn't work. A lady followed me to my car and told me what a great thing I did and congratulated me on not giving in to her tantrum -- 21 years later -- still remember it like it was yesterday. Another time, I was in the grocery store with my 3 youngest ( yes, I was in the grocery store all the time) ages 5, 3, and 1 at the time. My youngest was in the midst of a string of ear infections so I was not getting any sleep at the time. I was really having a tough day and I guess it showed because a lady stopped and told me that it was going to be ok, that I was going to get thru the day, and that one day my life would get easier. She was so sincere and kind -- I can still see her face.
I never saw either of these ladies again but they made such an impact on my life. So if you see a mom having a hard day -- show some support :)
wow. Thank you. I am totally tearing up. This comment will ALWAYS stand out to me. It is SO true. moms have to support each other. wow. I am just awe struck. thank you.
I feel you. Why not try being a WAHM instead of a SAHM if you really like to do something and earn your own money. I've been a WAHM since 2009, while caring for 3 daughters. Its not easy but you'll figure out a way to do it, I know :)
Im new to your blog, but I really like it.
You know… I never really thought about that. Maybe if I did find something lucrative to do at home, then maybe I could afford a Nanny a couple days a week. Is that bad that all I want to do is earn enough money to have a nanny? Screw the new shoes, I wanna put my feet up! Thanks for the idea! And your kind words about my blog… ; )
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