8/24/2016

7 Stereotypical Moms I Avoid Like The Plague #BadMoms

With back-to-school in full-force, I have been reintroduced to a few of those stereotypical moms I want to throat punch. You know those moms who take it to the top to prove something, but exactly what, no one knows? (Think: Bad Moms Movie)


I know you should never say never. Especially, when it comes to anything related to parenting, however, the following Seven Types of Mom I sincerely hope I never become.

The PTA Princess- You know the perfect, perky, all smiles Pinterest Princess bouncing around in yoga pants jacked up on Starbucks. That chick, I will never be. More power to her, because someone needs to make perfect Minion cupcakes for the Bake Sale.

The Soccer Socialite- One place you will never catch my ass is hovering over my child in sports. I want him to love and excel at sports, in his own way on his own time. While I'll encourage and support him, I will never push him. It's his life. Not mine. I also have no desire to get in a snack rotation pissing contest. I've heard horror stories of soccer mom riots over a shitty snack.

The Tech Tyrant- Technology is the future. No freaking way am I going to restrict my child from it. Yes, I know the "child experts" attribute a slew of mental and developmental issues to tech-time. Yes, I know they warn that video games can turn children into psychopaths, but...well... NEWS FLASH: elementary school can do that too.

There are some brilliant educational apps available, and I love them. I attribute a part of my son's early vocabulary burst, hand-eye coordination, and problem-solving skills and flawless dance moves to educational apps and YouTube Kids videos.  (I don't care, tell me to burn in hell, I'm not sorry!) TECH RULES!

The Blind Blamer: There is nothing I can't stand more than the mom who blames everyone else's child for their child's behavior. WAKE UP! Your child is not perfect. Kids act crazy. ALL KIDS! So, before you go blindly blaming a playdate for your child's moody behavior or for biting, "when she's never done that before", shut up and see your child for what she is, normal! Not, perfect. No kid is.

The Holistic Hippie- While I admit I sometimes sway this way, I will never hug the tree completely for one simple reason, FOOD IS GOOD! I am all for dodging hormones, GMOs, processed foods and refined sugar, but I'm not going to go all nutty about it. A life without McDonald's fries, Chick'fil-A chicken, Taco Bell Crunch wraps and Movie Theater popcorn just ain't livin'! (Sorry food allergy people. I'm lactose intolerant, so I know how it sucks to miss out on this stuff.) But for the parents out there forcing their child to eat black bean cupcakes when all the other kids get to eat Walmart cupcakes is, well, shitty.  No it's not organic and sugar-free, but seriously, get over yourself, one bloody cupcake is not going to make your child grow a third ball. Let the little guy eat cake once in a while!

Society's Sweetheart- This is one type of mom I refuse to be. I can't be her. I tried to mother according to society's rules and ideas, but the onslaught of pediatric opinions, medical journals, parenting books, forums and the latest "expert advice" were impossible to keep up with. Not to mention, rarely worked for my newborn. Thankfully, I stopped trying to be Society's Sweetheart Mom and followed my own Mother's Instinct. What a difference that made. Suck it society! It turns out, I know WAY more about my child than you.

The Crazed Competitor- I am fiercely competitive in sport and challenges, however, when it comes to mom-pissing-contests, I'm out. I have no desire to be the room mom, drive the best SUV, have the bounciest ass, or brag about providing the most organic locally sourced snack. If your kid beats mine in a race, cool, it happens. As far as I know, The Mom of the Year is not a real contest. Not that I would want to win. Competing with another mother is stupid.

So what type of mom am I?



The MomMe I try to be the best mother I can by being, Me. I love my son with all of my heart, spoil him rotten, but also am firm when needed. I encourage him to grow and challenge himself daily. Instilling  a strong faith in God, kindness, love, understanding, openness and humility is my mom-mission. I'm not perfect. I screw up daily. I slip and cuss in front of my son, let him play Lego Star Wars on PS4, have really crappy days and totally understand when he does too. I'm laid back and that's my parenting style. Neither of us is in a race or competition at this life thing, so enjoying each moment is my daily mantra. Being a mother is the greatest gift of my life. Letting mommy-wars, society, insecurities and pissing contest stop me from being my best MomME is pure dumbassery.

TIP: Be your own kind of MomMe and be proud of it!





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8/22/2016

How To Build The Best Candy Buffet. EVER!


The candy buffet is the hottest new party trend. Candy buffets are showing up at weddings, baby showers, block parties, birthday parties, and everything in between. 




What makes the Candy Buffet work, besides the candy, is the theme. You can do some super cute stuff with candy. 



With all the back-to-school and forthcoming holiday madness, I thought I would share an awesome how-to guide for creating a breathtaking candy buffet. 

Step 1: Pick the Theme:




PRO TIP: Use double sided table cloths, with a different color on each side. Stay with solids and colors that are gender neutral. Yellows, greens, pastels, and white can be used for any event. Instead of trying to theme out the entire table, use a centerpiece for your theme. Your backdrop of twisted ribbons or balloons and ribbons,or even contrasting fabric works. Attach candy to strips of plastic wrap and hang it from a rod behind the table.







Themes do not have to be costly. Pick up a few inexpensive items to make a statement, but turn to your candy buffet for your wow factor. Do not limit yourself to what you have seen. Use your imagination and create a one-of-a-kind buffet, that is re-usable.

PRO TIP: Consider theme pieces the guest take with them, like a candy lei. Tie a few gum balls to plastic leis that are inexpensive and available at any party supply shop. 

Step 2: Gather The Essentials



PRO TIP: Use clear glass jars and trays. Let your candy bring the display to life. Using holiday themed dishes does nothing to add to the table. If you' re tempted to buy a serving dish or jar in a shape, get a shape of the candy, or a matching fruit shape. Don't go all out. Allow yourself one or two special pieces, but they should be easily merged into other candy settings. A lovely glass candy dish is just as beautiful filled with pastel M & M’s for a baby shower as it is filled with Gummy worms for a kids party. Cotton candy in an ice cream dish or cone, decorated with peppermint straws make a lovely display. Rock candy on sticks in a tall container fills an empty spot very well too.

Step 4: Get the Candy!



The real trick to making a great candy buffet is finding the right mix of colors and shapes of candy. For a wedding, you will go with creams, golds, and foils. You will lean toward elegance and charm. A baby shower is traditional pink and blue and you aim for cute. Birthday parties are anything goes from purple and red and even black and white for “over the hill” parties.  Holiday candies are the easiest to use for Holiday parties from Halloween through Valentine's day, they are easy to find. Pick 2 or 3 colors and stick with them. Choose a special candy for your center dish and fill in with gift bags that match the tablecloths. You will find everything you need at SweetServices.com.




Candy Buffet Cheat Sheet:



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8/18/2016

When Dr. Google Says It's Tourettes, Autism, ADHD, OCD and Bipolar

Let me just preface this by saying, I'm the mother of a Four-year-old boy. By the end of his first year of life, I learned my lesson the hard way about Googling his symptoms. Ten times out of ten, it always ended in me freaking out that he had a rare incurable disease. I was so bad about it, his pediatrician made me promise that I would NEVER again look to Dr. Google for a diagnosis. Then, last night happened...




Last night, FTD looked at me and said, did you hear that?

Me: What?

FTD: Those noises Ollie makes?

Me: Huh?

FTD: That humming noise. He makes it after he says something.

ME: Um? He's four, he's constantly making noises!

FTD: Well, listen for it. It could be an indicator of something...

Me: What are you talking about?

FTD: I was talking to Mrs' Smith at school about it, and...

Me: Whatever, I'll listen for it.

Being that FTD works at a school for children with "learning differences", he is super sensitive to the tics, quirks and differences that make each kid special. Most times it's me being paranoid, and FTD telling me to chill out, however, in this case, it was the other way around. Which, totally freaked me out.

He's the level-headed one, why is he the one freaking out this time?

I spent the rest of my son's waking hours following his every sound. By the end of the night, I did notice what FTD was talking about. Once in bed, I laid next to Ollie and listened more for the sounds, and even asked them about it. He told me he liked the way they sounded or he thought they were, "funny".  This is where my downward spiral began.

As he settled into sleep, he started repeatedly making a humming sound... until he fell asleep!

I Googled:  4-year old son makes funny noises.

At first,  Dr. Google said all signs pointed to Autism.

Then, Tourettes.

THEN! Tourettes, with ADHD, OCD and BiPolar.

Fu*k. Me.

I hate Dr. Google.  WHY did I do it???




So here I am, freaking out my son has Tourettes, Autism, ADHD, OCD and Bipolar, all due to noises he was making. As much as I wanted to call myself an asshole for Googling his symptoms and move on with my day, I couldn't. I was in a full panic attack.

It's so easy to morph symptoms into Dr. Goggle's diagnosis. It's almost like, I am so desperate for an answer, even a crappy one will do. SO WRONG!

Warning Parents: DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME.

Thanks to this little mishap, I have to either call his doctor and fess up that I Googled some shit and now I'm freaking out, or obsessively watch my son until I calm the F*ck down on my own.I'm going with the latter, for now.

It's funny on the heels of a post about my genius son, now I'm writing about him having Tourettes and a slew of other things. I'm telling you, Parenting is not for the faint of heart or conspiracy theorist, because it will drive you mad if you let it.

Bottom line: My son may or may not have Tourettes, but to go from a noise to Tourettes, Autism, ADHD, OCD and Bipolar is pure dumbassery. I know better.

Please, take it from me, before consulting Dr. Google, talk to your doctor first. Because, at this point, the only one with a true problem is me! My son is four. He's a wild, busy toddler, over analyzing that is not going to do either of us any good.








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8/17/2016

Is Your Type-A Parenting Style Ruining Your Family-Life?

It's official; I've cracked. Dropped My Basket. Lost The Plot. A few bricks fell out of my load. It's all my fault.

My type-A ways are screwing my life all up.



For the past four years, I have had lofty goals of being the perfect parent, wife , homemaker, and writer. In the process, I driven myself mad.

Thanks to the back-to-school madness, looming holiday season and some strange summer sadness,  The. Plot. Has. Been. Lost.

Recently, while looking at my endless 'to-do' list, I felt so overwhelmed. I had no idea where to start, so  I tried to prioritize. I started to realize, half of the stuff was unnecessary.  All the unnecessary cleaning, organizing, hand holding, emails, life-sucking friendships, and ass wiping have to stop!

After four years of trying to provide the cleanest, safest, most organized environment for my family, I've learned three things:

1. I do a lot of unnecessary crap.

2. I'm so crazed about getting things done the second they need doing, I jump WAY too soon.  What's more, I get pissed at my husband for not jumping first. #FAIL I'm so bad about it, FTD has a joke with me about the Dishes Police, and how they don't exist.  He thinks I am afraid the dishes police will come get me if I don't wash the dishes right after dinner.

3. I need to cut a ton of bullshit out of my life. Starting with life-sucking friends and ending with not being so anal about keeping my house spotless.

Here's the thing, I am a great mom. I know that. And while all the extra cleaning, organizing, planning and prepping are great, it's not all that necessary.  Most of all, the time I waste overdoing it,  I could be spending with my family.

I've started to let things slide, like cleaning the kitchen.  I seriously used to clean it spotless after making each meal. That could be 5 times a day. WTF???

No more obsessing about my son's routine, how much tech-time he's had and if I've played with him enough today to be a great attentive mother.

I'm not going to let life sucking friends monopolize my time. They can drive someone else crazy. I can't let their problems take away from my life and family-time.

Needless to say, I'm relaxing and not over thinking EVERYTHING anymore. Ok, so I do still kind of worry, but I really want to stop being so crazed about being the perfect everything. Especially, before school starts and I overextend myself to the point of wanting to throat punch the PTA princess.
These days with my family are so precious, if I don't make some changes, I will miss out on the best moments.

Are you Type-A Parent, too? What about you? Are you overthinking everything?  Or better yet, have you started to let go too?

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8/15/2016

Just When I Thought Mommy Time Outs Were A Joke, One Saved Me.





There was a time in my life when I looked forward to the weekend. Ah yes, two nights and two days to do whatever I wanted. Sleep as long as I wanted. Eat when I wanted. Indeed, weekends were fantastic!

Then, I had a child.

It was almost instant. My weekends fell into the toilet.

The Weekend after children become this 48-hour nonstop barrage of Mommy!, Mommy!, Mommy!,  birthday parties, sporting events, and everything in between. Not to mention the getting to stay up late part, completely wiping out any chance for a relaxing weekend.

Don't get me wrong, I love my son and the extra time the weekend affords us, HOWEVER, non-stop is too much.

Recently, I've found myself dreading the weekends. My restful, schedule-less weekends were all but gone. Replaced by a non-stop schedule. Talk about, SUCKS!

After four years of my weekends progressively becoming more about my son and his needs and events and less about me enjoying the free time, I've come to realize, IT'S ALL MY FAULT!

Sure, jam packed busy kid weekends are almost inevitable for most parents, but that doesn't mean there's no time for me!

This past weekend, I was not feeling so awesome but still tried to push through the usual insanity. What a stupidass idea that was.

Not only was I exhausted, I was annoyed with myself for feeling like I have to be on 100% during the weekends, even when I feel crap. Why? Will my kid shrivel up and fade away? No, of course not!

Over trying to be super weekend-mom, I sought refuge in my bed. My son was very close behind. I wanted to scream! Instead, I told him Mommy was having a time out, and that I had to be left alone, just like when he was in time out.



The weirdest thing happened. He backed off. He asked how many minutes I had and told him 20, and set my phone timer just like I do with his timeouts.

Holy shit, he walked out. Left my bedroom. Gone. Somehow, I felt like I witnessed a miracle.

I laid quietly for twenty minutes. Alone.

So Weird.

I was enjoying the solitude so much, I completely forgot about the timer, so when it went off, I jumped. I wasn't the only one. Ollie came bouncing in excited to let me know I could get out of time out.

Truth be told, he was playing with FTD, so I may have been left alone much longer if not for the alarm, however, I couldn't help but think I stumbled onto a huge breakthrough, Mommy time outs actually work!

Long story short, I had three time outs over the weekend, and all went the same. I put myself in timeout, my son left me alone as time out protocol states. Most of all, I had a time block to do my own thing.

I'm already looking forward to next weekend and what I want to use my timeouts for.  Most likely a chance to lay in bed and read a book or watch a show on HGTV uninterrupted. If you need a time out to enjoy yourself and breathe, I cannot recommend enough putting yourself in time out. It totally works!









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Make-Over Any Room With These Smart Phone Hacks! #Infographic

You know how much I love Interior design and putting my own touches on my home! Today I have a few great tips to help you start your next room makeover!

First, a few favorite interior design apps:

Whether you are looking for new paint color options or figuring out how a new furniture layout will fit in the living room. The Benjamin Moore app lets you use an image you take with your phone to pick the best color match! 

Finding the right art pieces and accents is sometimes the hardest part of decorating a new home, use the Vango Art app to virtually hang pieces and see what fits best on the wall! 

There are lots of great interior design apps, Visit the App Store or Google Play Store on your smartphone with T-Mobile's fast, reliable service to find the perfect app that will help you change your space. This infographic has more ideas for home d├ęcor options.

Get ready to Pin some great tips!









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8/11/2016

How To Turn Bath Time Into Fun time!

I'm not sure if I've ever mentioned this but, I don't do bath time. FTD does. It's always been this way. When Ollie's umbilical cord fell off, and the time came to bathe him, I was terrified. At only a few weeks old, all I could imagine was a slippery little slug. From that bath on, FTD has been in charge. 


During the first year, bath time was mostly me dangling toys while FTD did the business. We found that distracting him from the bathing part was key. Once Ollie was able to sit up safely on his own, we introduced toys he could play with on is own. This was huge for helping him enjoy all that soap and water business.

Parent Tip: A boring bathtub full of water is a recipe for disaster. ALWAYS have fun bright toys floating in the water before plopping your toddler down.

There are several bath toys out there that you can buy for this very purpose, some of the popular ones are; classic bath ducks, wind-up turtles, and floaty frog sets. As with all toys, stick to the age recommendation. One of our favorite bath toys were antimicrobial foam letters, numbers, and squares with photos. It's a double win for the learning boost too. Here's Ollie in action:



                                   


Another important factor in how bathtime goes is your attitude. If it's all about getting in and getting clean and getting out, your child will see bathtime as much of a crappy chore as you. Look at that 5-10 minutes as a chance to bond, learn, play... whatever it takes. Baths are an essential part of life, show your child they can also be fun too!

Bottom line: If bath time sucks, turn your frown upside down, grab a few of your child's favorite (bath friendly) toys and turn Bathtime into fun time!

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We are FAR from childhood development professionals. We cannot and will not be held responsible if you take us seriously. Especially, because we don't even take ourselves seriously.