Dec 17, 2014

The Holidays: Why Do I Do This To Myself EVERY Year?

I don't know why I keep letting them do it, but every year, those bastard holidays sneak up on me and stress me out. Then, in a flash, they are over and my bank account and house are a friggin wreck.

#FAIL

You would think at 36 years old, I'd be better prepared for this annual shitstorm. It's not like the holidays are any big surprise. I know they are coming. So, technically, they aren't even "sneaking" up on me!

Why can't I get it together?

Why do I still insist on waiting until the last minute to do EVERYTHING?

WHY?

How many holiday lines from hell will I have to stand in before I get my holiday gift-giving shit together?


HOW MANY???

Damn that line from hell!

You know the one, where you have the most meaningless small talk with strangers about shit you care NADA about. "Well, my sister... she is so hard to buy for... I thought I'd come down here and find her.... BLAH BLAH BLAH!  I don't give a shit!!!

Still, I listen, laugh when appropriate, and thank God when it's finally my turn.... twenty-five minutes into the stranger's life story...

Dec 16, 2014

Top 10 Tuesday: Happy Hanukkah... Humor...

Happy Hanukkah my dear Jewish friends and readers! To help you start this beautiful time off with a little cheer, below are 10 bits of Hanukkah holiday humor that made me laugh out loud... I hope they make you do the same...
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Dec 15, 2014

We've Crossed The Potty Training Line. #OnHisTerms #EpicFail

Well, my friends, we are less than two months from Ollie's third birthday, and much to my sadness, he's going to ring in three rocking diapers. Ok, maybe there's still hope for some sort of Divine holiday miracle, but I'm pretty sure I have very little to do with it, since the damn toddler has the ball in his court. Or should I say, diaper.

I'm so sick of trying to walk the fine potty training line.

You know; Be firm, but not too firm.

I've been working that angle for two years, and I'm here to tell you; there is no, "Hey, kid, go use the potty. Of course, only if you want to.", and then POOF he's pooping.

NOT EVEN!





EPIC FREAKING FAIL!

I've learned that if you want to potty train a dragon, stubborn mule, toddler, you need to get a game plan and stick to it.  And you HAVE TO DO THE FOLLOWING:

1. CONSTANTLY say, "Oi. Kid. Potty?" (or something like that) to your toddler ALL DAY LONG!

2. Offer a potty break at every seedy toilet you pass.

3. Bribe the shit out of your kid. I know parenting experts frown upon that, but those experts are wiping my kid's ass.

4.  DO NOT let them see you cry! Have patience like you have never known. You CANNOT get mad or frustrated. Potty training has to be the most delightful pain in your ass you have ever experienced. Think: Oh, honey, it's ok you peed all over the place; including me.  It's not your fault your daddy tried to teach you to pee standing up when mommy wasn't around to threaten his life. I'm proud of you for trying.

5. It's a job. Potty training is work. Hard laborious, annoying, frustrating mind-numbing anxiety-inducing work. But thankfully, like any job, you get paid... in not buying diapers or wipes again. Or so I'm told. I've also been told I'll be wiping his ass until he's five regardless of diapers, but I can't think about that right now.

So, what's holding us back?

The kid.

The kid is holding us back, because now that he has an opinion and agenda, potty training isn't very high on his priority list.

 If I ask him if he has to go, usually he will go. Otherwise, he's not volunteering. Unless, I let him run around free balling, and then he will usually go on his own.

Usually.


Potty Training is like being stuck on a train from hell driven by a toddler. My kid knows he has the ball in his diaper, and I'm just a pawn in the game.

Dammit.

Parenting.


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Dec 12, 2014

Sorry Moms, Your Baby's Gonna Grow Up! (FTD Post) #smellcometomanhood

Thanks to the new OLD SPICE commercials, I've been thinking more and more about the happy days ahead when Ollie grows up from a cheeky little cherub-faced boy who craps his pants, incessantly watches youtube video's of trains, car washes and nursery rhymes, and tears-up whenever the daily repeat of Calliou is finished.





 - GONE will be the diapers - he can wipe his own BUTT!


 - GONE are the endless minutes wasted searching through his clothes drawer for the faded Spiderman pajamas!- He can pick out his own bloody pajamas, or sleep in his jocks. 


 - NO MORE precious time wasted making ridiculous organic yam french fries with ORGANIC hot-dogs! He'll find ultimate satisfaction in the local chinese takeaway's offerings of greasy triple-fried lemon-chicken and a bag of dumplings with heart-attack sauce!


 - Carseats with their tricky combination locks, 32 point safety harnesses and mind-boggling patterned fabric...GONE!!!


 - Seeya LATER fingernail scars on the inside of my ears, top of my head and eye-balls from carrying him on my shoulders every time we go shopping!


 - NEVERMORE will I have to hold my tongue when I step on a bloody hot-wheel, Lego piece or Thomas the train. I WILL turn the air blue with fierce abandon!


Thank you Old Spice... you've reminded me that there is a bright future ahead of diapers, nitrate free hotdogs, and FTM telling me to hold my tongue...you've given me hope!

For those of you suckas who don't have a bloody clue about the source of my hope.  Here's what you've been missing. 





"Dad song humorously illustrates how moms and dads react differently when their sons start using Old Spice and officially enter manhood. 


This campaign was born out of a true insight with moms wanting their little boys to stay young forever (silly moms) and dads being proud and relieved when their sons grow up. (Oh the days ahead...)


 


This holiday season, giving the gift of manhood couldn't be easier with Old Spice Re-fresh Body Spray, featuring the brand's innovative and first-in-category Re-fresh Technology, which eliminates the need for guys to overspray or reapply throughout the day. With Old Spice Re-fresh Body Spray, “One Spray Lasts All Day.”


In the spirit of the holiday season, Old Spice will offer special savings on Old Spice Re-fresh Body Spray for download on http://www.coupons.com for redemption at retailers nationwide. 


You can also connect with Old Spice on Social media for more awesome videos, contest and posts from dads like me! Click on yer favorite to connect... Twitter-Facebook-YouTube-Instagram

Old Spice is also GENEROUSLY offering one lucky DAD, that's right moms, I said DADS! a super awesome MANLY prize pack. Check out the goods I've got for one lucky dad:




  • Old Spice Re-fresh Body Spray – The gift that keeps on giving, one spray at a time. Be among the first to enjoy new Old Spice Timber – the best way to get that lumberjacky smell without working at a local tree lot.
  • Old Spice T-Shirt – The manliest chest tattoo on the planet without the regret when you turn 60.
  • Old Spice Branded Earbuds – Silence mom’s singing in the car. You’re welcome.
  • Bear Paws Meat Tool – Cutlery your dad, his friend Dave and Uncle John will be impressed with when you're given the reins to carve the holiday bird.
  • Duct Tape – Fix anything on the planet, except holiday lights, where only half the strand works.
  • Art of Manliness Book – Full of wisdom and New Year's Resolutions.
  • “Scent Responsibly” Instructions – Nothing will earn you grandma's fruitcake faster than overspraying. Thanks to Old Spice Re-fresh technology – where one spray lasts all day – you can smell like a man and not a middle school locker room.  
  • Smell come to Manhood Certificate – A made-up diploma for the inside of your locker or to add to your LinkedIn profile.
Sign up below!

Entry-Form


This post and giveaway were made possible by Double Duty Divas and Old Spice. I was compensated for my participation in this campaign, but all opinions are 100% mine.
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Calling All Wine Lovers! Do I have the VINO for you... or should I Say, V/NO!

As I'm sure most of you can relate, the holidays require wine. Lots of it. And I don't mean because falling down drunk makes the family dysfunction go away... Ok, maybe a little, but wine with dinner and at parties is a big thing. But what about those who are not big fans of falling down drunk, but are huge fans of wine?

Because I know a few of those people, I was more than happy to try out, V/NO, the Alcohol-Removed wine!




I know what you're thinking?

SAY, WHAT?

Alcohol removed wine?

Who would do such a thing?

But, then I started thinking about how much I love wine, but hate the hangover. Or my girlfriend who is trying to "cut down on her drinking," but in the same breath tells me how much she "LOVES" wine! Then there's the girl trying to get pregs, or already is, that wants to have a glass of wine, but doesn't want to consume the alcohol. Or my Mother-in-law, who loves rose, but hates "feeling buzzed."

Now, alcohol-removed wine makes perfect sense.

So how is the alcohol removed exactly, so the taste and health properties of the fruit stay intact?

The fruit is crushed, fermented and aged in stainless steel.


Water and alcohol are removed from wine through a unique filtration process
Water and alcohol are removed and then distilled to separate the two elements
The water is recombined with the color, flavor and tannins of the original wine
*Since this process alone cannot remove all of the alcohol, wine is passed through the reverse osmosis system several more times until the alcohol level drops to below 0.5% (usually to around 0.3%).

THE COMPLETE WINE EXPERIENCE-
WITHOUT THE ALCOHOL.

Just prior to bottling, the alcohol is gently removed by cold filtration, leaving less than 0.5% alcohol. V/NO is packaged in a unique and convenient 187ml bottle that doubles as a serving glass...
YES, a serving glass!  This is pretty cool, take a look....
Fun Facts from V/NO:
V/NO has all the positive associations and beneficial attributes of traditional wine consumption without the alcohol.  A compound found in resveratrol, one of the active non-alcoholic ingredients in wine, was found to aid in the prevention of age-related disorders, such as neurodegenerative diseases, inflammation, diabetes and cardiovascular disease.  (Read more.) The non-alcoholic part of the wine- namely polyphenols- exert a protective effect on the cardiovascular system.  Polyphenols also have anti-inflammatory and antioxidant properties that may be useful to prevent other diseases such as diabetes.  (Read more)
A PICNIC!  
Sorry... I just thought of that being a benefit too!
How handy at a mid-day picnic, where you want to have a glass of wine, but can't have a nap afterward to sleep off the glass!

It's super easy, just twist open the cap and pour!
I have to say, I was blown away!  
The smell is DELICIOUS!  
Just like a yummy red wine.
 And the taste... 
Um. Wow!  
I didn't expect to like it so much.  I'm a bit of a wine snob.  
I drank the entire glass after dinner and loved it. I also loved that in the process, I drank the super healthy benefits of wine with no alcohol side effects.  
I definitely recommend it!
Buy It: You can buy V/NO it at your local natural and health-food stores, grocery chains, fine wine shops and restaurants, or order online directly from V/NO.
Connect: Follow V/NO on Social Media: Twitter - Facebook - Pinterest 
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Sleep Training Update: The King Size Bed... EPIC FAIL!

Remember how a month ago, I had my sleep training revelation, Can't Beat 'Em, Buy A Bed Big Enough To Fit 'Em," where I decided to throw in the towel and accept the fact that the kid is NEVER going to get out of my bed, so I need to just buy a bed big enough to fit us all, comfortably. Well, I did it, I bought a big ass king bed. 



OK, so not that one! I found it while googling king furniture for ideas. CRAZY, right? It kind of scares me a little.  I'm more a sleigh bed kind of girl..., Since we are doing the reno on our bedroom (Remember, I that I wrote about too), I don't want to spoil the grand unveiling by showing the actual bed. 

Any ways, back to my big ass bed and toddler sleep training fail...

I was so sure going from a queen bed to a king bed would be the extra space FTD, Ollie, Professor the cat, a few Hot Wheels and a book or two, needed to sleep comfortably in the bed. There's nearly a foot and a half of extra room. That's enough to account for the toddler, a Hot Wheel and a book!

FYI: After researching and lying down on too many mattresses to think about, I settled on a "Hybrid"  Mattress; Top half gel and memory foam, the bottom half innerspring.  It's sold as, "The best of both worlds." For me, it was the fact I was torn between which to get, gel or inner spring, and the hybrid was super comfy.  I love it!

The bed was delivered last Friday.  I bought all new bedding, thanks to a doorbuster sale at Macy's.  Yes, I went to a doorbuster sale on Thanksgiving.  I'm a hypocrite, I admit it, but dammit I needed EVERYTHING-Mattress pad, Bedskirt, sheets, comforter, duvet, pillows... 

After letting the mattress air out a little (a.k.a off-gassing), I made the bed for our first big night of glorious sleep. I didn't even mess with trying to get Ollie to start in his bed, I let him crawl in wide awake and giddy with excitement.

There was SO MUCH ROOM!  We all fit comfortably.  I had no doubt I was about to get the best night sleep I've had since we tried to transition Ollie from his crib to a useless toddler bed four months ago. He has ended up in our bed EVERY night since! 

All was going well until I got roundhouse kicked in the head. Repeatedly.

When I finally moved Ollie around, so he was head up again, the headbutts began. Then the choke hold cuddle around the neck.  ALL NIGHT LONG! It was like he was making snow angels on a turntable for seven hours straight.

When I woke up the next morning, I looked over at FTD ready to cry about the night I had, only to find him looking as exhausted as I felt. It turns out, being that FTD was on the other side of the toddler turntable, he got his ass kicked too. 



The kid has so much room, he can flop, turn, roundhouse kick and death grip cuddle with ease. 

While I am definitely sleeping on the most amazing mattress in the galaxy, I'm not any further along in my drive to get a solid night sleep.  <Insert four hundred F bombs> 


So, now what?  


Back to Plan A... Keep taking him back to his bed. 


One thousand times a night.


Because, somehow, it's going to work eventually.


The Super Nanny said so.

Moral of the story: It's true, once you let the them in your bed, they will NEVER get out. 


There is some good news to my story; my dear friend DES, owner of Headleveler- The World's Only Made To Measure Pillow, is giving me and one of my fabulous readers a custom made pillow!!!



She actually already sent me my custom made travel pillow. It's a perfect replica of my pillow, but in travel size... or fits the toddler bed perfectly. Which is why I think she sent it; she knows I've had the enjoyment of sleeping on the toddler bed too many times. Though she swears it's important that I have a nice, hypoallergenic, germ-free, comfy, just-like-home pillow for when I travel... Plus,  Hotel pillows are kind of gross and offer no cervical support, so I certainly wasn't going to protest her kind gift. 

Here are some specs on it, because you just might have to have it right now, or maybe even win it!



Head leveler Travel Pillow:
Comes in 7 different thicknesses
Made to your height and weight specifications for contour fit
Promotes good postural habits and good health
Machine washable
Comes with travel case 
Of course, Headleveler pillows come in sizes that can be custom made to fit big and small and young and old too!



To get your custom made pillow in time for the Holidays, CLICK HERE!

To try your luck at winning a custom made Headleveler Travel Pillow with carrying case, sign up below!
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Dec 11, 2014

Tis The Season... For Allergies, Colds, Stomach Flus, Sniffles and Other Assorted Crud...

I live in Louisville, KY; a.k.a the Allergy capitol of the US.  Source: Asthma and Allergy Foundation of America 
  1. Louisville, KY
  2. Wichita, KS
  3. Oklahoma, OK
  4. Dayton, OH
  5. McAllen, TX

            Around my house, thanks to allergies and cold and flu season, the sniffles start in August and go until about June! Yes, one to two months of peace is all we get, unless I am diligent...

            Allow me to give you a snapshot of the motherhood madness that is cold and flu season...




            Thankfully, since becoming a mother, my weak stomach was replaced by this strange iron stomach that can take anything. And thank God for that! You see, over the last near three years, I have been peed, pooped and puked on, and managed to not throw-up. 

            Speaking of... 

            Last Friday at 2:30am,  I woke up to my beautiful new bed being covered in vomit exorcist style...I mean macaroni EVERYWHERE. 
              I got Ollie out of bed and straight into the bath.  I'm not sure who was more covered, me or him...
                Once he was clean, I moved him to his bed, stripped my bed, changed my sheets, grabbed a new blanket, started a load of laundry, then jumped into the shower. Right as I got out, he came to let me know he got sick all over his bed. 
                  Rinse. Repeat.  
                    Except for me showering.  
                      By the time I crawled in bed, he started puking on my bed again.
                        MOTHERFU@KER!
                          Rinse. Repeat.
                            Poor guy, by the time he finally finished puking THREE HOURS LATER, he knew to run to the toilet.  
                              We finally got back to sleep around 5:30am. I woke up at 8:30am to him running to the bathroom.  He continued throwing up until 10:30am, and then it ended as abruptly as it started. 
                                In preparation for stomach flu Armageddon to take over--surely FTD and I were next... I RAN to the store, got all kinds of extra deep cleaning products and Lysol. When I got back, I was a woman possessed.  I cleaned and sprayed every surface.  

                                The last time a stomach flu got a hold of us, the three of us managed to pass it back and forth for two weeks!  TWO! No freaking way was I going back down that road!

                                So where the hell am I going with this? My friends, parents... It's that time of year where germs are on a mission to ruin your day.  FIGHT BACK!  Get them before they get you!  

                                Here are 5 tips to fight the flu:

                                1. WASH HANDS
                                2. Cover mouth when coughing or sneezing
                                3. Keep surfaces clean
                                4. Stay hydrated, even when not sick!
                                5. Exercise- It boosts your immune system!


                                The majority of us have a loooooong winter ahead of us... by staying diligent and teaching our littles how to stop the spread of germs, we just might be able to survive the season without CONSTANTLY dealing with illness.


                                  DO you have any tips for surviving the long winter? 
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