Oct 7, 2015

If You're A Gift and Holiday Shopping Procrastinator, READ THIS!

You know that mom at 10:30 in the morning frantically searching for a birthday gift for a birthday party that's happening in 30 minutes? Yeah, that's me. And the crazy toddler two aisles over screaming something about Star Wars, that's my kid.

I'm a procrastinator. A proper procrastinator. I save everything until the last minute, and I mean EVERYTHING. From what we're going to eat for dinner, to buying gifts to getting my work done. everything.

But now that I'm a parent, being a procrastinator is ultra difficult. Saving things for the last-minute doesn't always work when you have a toddler who has BIG plans for you during those last few minutes. Or worse, you have to take the toddler with you to buy dinner or gifts.

Needless to say, my procrastinating ways are changing.

Oct 6, 2015

If You Won't Teach My Child To Write Cursive, I Will.

I was sitting with my sister, mother of two boys, 8 and 9, when she casually dropped a huge bomb on me.

Sister: ...Well now that they're not teaching cursive anymore...

Me: Blasphemy. When did that happen? 

Sister: This is not new. Cursive is considered obsolete.

Me: What asshole decided that? Cursive is a fundamental of the English written language! 

Me: Obsolete? It's how I write! So my son will not be taught how to read the way I was taught to write? What kind of dumbassery is that?

I tried to get my head around it. But I couldn't. After a little research, I learned that cursive was dropped, beginning in 2010, due to Common Core State Standards, adopted by 43 states and the District of Columbia. The initiative required "keyboarding skills," but made no mention of cursive, prompting school districts to limit or drop cursive. 

Are children working on computers so much that they're not writing by hand? 

Seriously, how will my son be able to read the love letters between his parents or grandparents later in life? How will he be able to read anything I hand write? I write in cursive. It's what I was taught. Less that 20 years ago!  
Continue Reading ...

Oct 5, 2015

Parenting PSA: If You Have A Toddler, Don't Do This...

Whatever you do, do not tell a toddler about something exciting unless it's going to happen the very next second. Trust me on this one. As usual, I've learned this parenting principle the hard way.

Looking back, I can see so many times I should have caught on to this parenting fail.

The first being Christmas last year. We kept telling the kid, the entire month of December, on a daily basis, "Santa is coming soon!" The daily Santa talk was mostly due to the kid asking if Santa was here yet. I would just reply with, soon, and thankfully, that would be the end of it. God Love the kid, on Christmas morning he excitedly ran downstairs and began looking around, but when his smile faded, I asked what was wrong, my sweet little toddler looked up and said, Where is Santa? The poor kid honestly thought Santa was coming over to hang out with him.


Then there was his birthday not too long after. We kept telling him his birthday was coming soon. Welcome to Fail #2. Everyday when the mail came, he would ask me if his birthday was here yet. Poor kid, he actually thought his birthday was coming in the mail.

Most recently, is my battle with Halloween. It all started when we put up Halloween decorations and started talking about what happens on Halloween. Now, every night, he wants to put on a costume and go to the neighbor's house.

He wears his Spiderman costume daily. Including out to run errands. FYI: This is one of those parenting battles I opted out of. (I have his actual costume hiding so he doesn't destroy it before Halloween.)

Spiderman: It's OK mommy, we can go over (to the neighbor's) and they will give us candy. All we have to do is say, trick-or-treat.

Me: No, honey, it's not Halloween yet.

Spiderman: Yes it is, it's after dinner and getting dark. It's time for trick-or-treating.

This exchange has been going on for the last four nights in a row... There's no turning back now. Hello, Fail #3.
Continue Reading ...

Oct 4, 2015

10 Signs That Your Child Is Spoiled. Or A Toddler. Same Thing.

I recently came across an article on POPSUGAR titled "10 Signs That A Child Is Spoiled." At first I thought, Ugh. Do I really want to read this?

Inherently, I know my kid is spoiled. I am a spineless twit when it comes to that kid. I spend my days trying to come up with creative ways of saying, "no" because the word itself doesn't register with him.

I read the article. I had to. 

I'm so glad I did! By number four on the list, I was laughing my ass off.  It was clear my kid was spoiled, but according to the list, it wasn't all my fault. Or FTD's.  

It was Nature's fault. 

As in, the Nature of the beast...

Here's the list and my thoughts on each one:

1. S/He throws tantrums, often.  

 --HA! He's a toddler. Tantrum is his nickname. 

2. He isn't ever satisfied.  

--Debatable. He's satisfied... when he gets his way.  Does that count?  

3. He isn't helpful.

--Well... He's "helpful," just not in a helpful way.  He's always happy to help in his own way, which usually includes either making a huge mess or making things take three hundred times longer than they should. Or both.

4. He tries to control adults.  

--HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Hell yeah he tries to control adults. He was born thinking that was how things worked. When it comes to just about everything, he tries to control the situation. This would be why he's sleeping in my bed, not potty trained, picking out his breakfast and lunch and bitchy about bathtime and bedtime.

5. He frequently embarrasses you in public.  

--Um. Yes. Always.  He's a toddler! His behavior in public is atrocious. Before we even leave the house, I start prepping him for our day and what he will get if he is a "good boy."  It never works. The kid's behavior in public is work-in-progress that might kill me. 

6. S/he Won't Share. 

--He is really great about sharing.  Except when it comes to his food or candy.  He will cut someone over his food or candy. 

7. You have to beg him.

--I'm not a beggar. I'm a barterer.  "If you go to sleep, I won't lose my shit..." 

8. He ignores you.  

--I wouldn't say he ignores me... Unless, if staring right at me with the look of, "I can do what I want, and right now, it's not what you want," while continuing to do whatever he wants, then yes, he ignores me. In my defense, I shoot back my best, "Are you kidding me right now?" look.  From there the standoff can go in many different directions.  Sometimes, literally many directions when I have to chase him.

9. He won't play alone.  

--He has always been good about playing alone in short 10-15 bursts before seeking me out.  Still, I can tell the older he gets, the more he wants a regular playmate.

10. You have to bribe him. 

--Ha! Is there any other way?

I must be in denial, because even though I could identify with more than a few of the traits listed, I don't think my kid is spoiled. Sure, he puts up a toddler size protest to many things, but he goes along with even more. Most of his ridiculousness is wanting to explore things on his own and test his limits. Which, at just shy of three years old, is par for the toddler-course. 

What do you think about the list?  Is your child spoiled or annoyingly age appropriate? What age do you think this list best relates to?

Continue Reading ...

Oct 2, 2015

DIY: Because, Sometimes, You Gotta Smash It! #Hardwood #Renovation

If you follow me on social media, then you know, I have very lofty DIY ideas.

I have this old house, with beautiful bones, that I am desperate to uncover or renovate. Especially because the last renovation took place somewhere around when Jesus was born.

My latest lofty idea started when I found out you could paint tile floors. Being that I had the ugliest, crap tile stairwell floor in the galaxy, I was desperate to try something.


Nothing could look worse then the tile...
Continue Reading ...

Sep 29, 2015

10 Things The Parenting Books Are Afraid To Tell You

There's no doubt about it, the parenting books seem to leave out the scariest parts of parenting.  I get it, freaking out a pregnant chick is not the best thing to do, but making a new first-time parent think parenting is easy if you follow the steps in the book, is crap too!

In an effort to do the job the parenting books won't, and in honor of top 10 Tuesday, below are 10 Things The Parenting Books Are Afraid To Tell You.

1. Sleep. Say goodbye to sleep! At least, a solid 8 hours. I remember living for the time when my baby "slept through the night."  Silly me, from 6-weeks on I prayed every night would be the night my infant slept through the night. My child is three; he has yet to sleep through the night, in his bed.

2. Clean surfaces. No matter how hard I try. No matter how fast I clean up a mess. No matter how diligent I am about clean hands, and limiting sticky foods, EVERY surface in my house, right down to the windows, are covered in tiny little fingerprints.

3. Stickers on everything. Let's just say, the day your child learns about stickers, is the day you learn to check your butt before leaving the house. OK, well it should be. Because I'm here to tell you, nothing is more Awesome then your husband coming home and peeling TWO stickers off your ass. Especially, when you and your child have just walked in the door, too.

4. Goodbye clean car. I don't care if you're a stickler about not eating in the car, your child will still find a way to destroy it. From toys that make sounds every time you turn a corner, to stickers on the windows, to muddy footprints on the seats, your car will never be the same once that car seat goes in.

5. Couples date nights turn into playdates, with wine. Gone are the days of wild couples nights out, finished with breakfast at a late-night diner. Here are the days of pairing off with couples with children, to have early backyard BBQs, that end when the kids turn on each other--aka bedtime.

6. The laundry NEVER ends. Pre-baby, Saturday was laundry day. Post baby, every day is laundry day. If you skip a day... well, you don't, otherwise geologist turn up at your door to measure the volcano growing in your laundry room. And trust me, leave the volcano of clothes too long, and it will erupt.

7. You go from a Gourmet Chef to Chef Boy-R-Dammit-Pasta-Again. Let's just say, the day my kid had his first bite of pasta, was the day every other food ceased to exist. For some kids, it's chicken nuggets and french fries. For all kids, it's an uphill battle of showing them there is more to life than their favorite meal. For me, it's an internal battle of, do I have the energy to fight for rice or potatoes, or just give the kid his damn pasta?

8. Your happy marriage turns into a wild rollercoaster ride... from hell. No way did I ever imagine the stress of having a child would rock my marriage so hard. But between the fear, sleeplessness, financial stress and awesome responsibility that comes with being parents, our marriage got put on the back burner. We started to drift apart, and at times, resent each others parental role. Even though it took us too long, thankfully, we finally realized finding quality time with each other daily to reconnect is essential. Even if it's 5-minutes a night outside on the porch talking.

9. Your parent(s) turn into crazy people you don't know. After a childhood of being restricted by your parents from eating too much sugar, staying up late and getting a toy every time you go to the store, once your parents become grandparents, they flip the script. All of the sudden, they are cool with candy, skipping bath and bedtime and buying the most ridiculous kid shit.

10. You turn into a crazy person you don't know. Between the sleeplessness, fear and insane responsibility that comes with being a parent, something happens, you become this person called mom/dad. Since becoming a mom, I've stopped dropping F-bombs all over the house, stopped drinking more than one or two alcoholic beverages--Mainly out of fear the next morning will be torture when the kid uses my full bladder as a trampoline while begging for Mickey Mouse and pancakes. At 5 am. Which, I wake up to make with organic milk and eggs and whole grain wheat flour. So much for the good old days of  being hung-over ordering pancakes and a sweet tea in the McDonalds drive-thru.

Everything changes. And yes, it's certainly for the better. But the trip to better requires a lot of selflessness, fear, watching your parents turn into spineless twits and saying goodbye to your former wild, caution-less life.

I get it, the parenting books don't want to freak out an already freaking out couple, but seriously, people need to know parenting is not all unicorns and rainbows. It's hard as hell, requires a huge life adjustment, and above all, serious teamwork and communication between all involved. (Grandparents, that means you too! No more chocolate bars before dropping off our kids! That shit sucks.)

Not following us on social media yet? You're missing out on all of our behind the scenes nonsense and trust me, it's complete and utter nonsense. 
Continue Reading ...

5 Fun Ways To Kick Your Coffee Up A Notch #DairyEnvy #NationalCoffeeDay

Happy National Coffee Day! Though, if you're a coffee lover like me, then everyday is national coffee day. 

**I have received information and materials from McNeil Nutritionals, LLC the makers of LACTAID®. The opinions stated are my own. This is a sponsored post.

While I totally respect the black coffee drinker, I prefer coffee with an extra kick. Or at the very least, a little extra flavor enhancement. Unfortunately, since having my son, I've become Lactose intolerant. So, I really need to get creative if I want more than sugar in my cuppa! 

In honor of National Coffee Day, and my love for all things coffee, I have partnered with my favorite 100% dairy, but Lactose free family, 
LACTAID® , to share a few fun recipes to help you celebrate National Coffee Day In Style. That's right, get ready to start pinning Lattes, cupcakes, ice cream and more!

Continue Reading ...


We are FAR from childhood development professionals. We cannot and will not be held responsible if you take us seriously. Especially because we don't even take ourselves seriously.