Remember my fabulous post, Attention Kids and Dads: 10 Things Mom REALLY Wants For Mother's Day? Naturally, First Time Dad thinks there should be a "10 Things DAD REALLY Wants For Father's Day" post. So, here it is, 10 Things DAD REALLY Wants For Father's Day... according to my partner in Parenting crime, the ridiculous Aussie.
Okay then...here we go again! Catalogues packed into the mail-box advertising drills, grills and garage skills! YES - “Father’s day” is just around the corner. The time when manhood is celebrated in all its glory. If you’ve popped out a kid or two (or three, or four or more - whatever) you’ve automatically been inducted into the club. The day once a year where somehow you’ve become worthy of a gift or two, your favorite meal and the possibility of sucking down a relaxing six-pack of beer without being yelled at for not mowing the grass.
Ladies...I know you’re scrabbling about now trying to find the perfect gift that magically summarises how awesome your husband is, has-been and will ever be, BUT I’m gonna tell you what we REALLY want so pay attention!
Firstly! What we DON’T want:
No bloody Groupons for a relaxing massage in a quaint day spa that smells like mint.
NO generic 40 piece tool kits from K-mart
No five-packs of business socks
Absolutely no magazine subscriptions for fishing, golf or recreational boating.
Ok then? Done! That was easy, wasn’t it?
Now...follow closely...here are the top ten things in timeline order that will guarantee a magnificent father's day for your lucky man.
- Let him sleep in past 6:30am - No cuddling, no TV blaring in the background, no kids bouncing on his head, no whispered reminders that the garbage bin has to go out. Just peace and bloody quiet!
- A MASSIVE bacon n egg breakfast! No cherry tomatoes or sprigs of organic Mediterranean parsley. We want a POUND of crispy bacon, 5 eggs, cheese, a gob of mayonnaise, buttery toast and a shit-load of salt n pepper with a big mug of cheap coffee (just like the ‘ole days!)
- Allow him to evacuate the bowels in peace. Keep the kids from banging on the door, don’t be tempted to yell out that his clothes are on the floor next to the laundry bin, NO stomping around outside the toilet door huffing and puffing about the oil spots in the driveway! Give yer man some quality time to ‘snap out a bad-boy’ and finish that candy crush level that he’s been stuck on for 3 months.
- Don’t tell him what to wear to Aunt Sally's brunch! Seriously, we don’t care in the slightest that blue and green don’t match. What does it matter that he wore the same shirt yesterday? And let the poor bugger wear sandals with socks!!! Geez!
- Fend off all calls from relatives (mother, mother-in-law, sisters) who want to ‘wish him a happy fathers day,’ but really want to gossip to YOU about their lazy husband and the oil spots in the driveway and clothes left on the floor near the laundry bin.
- Hand him the keys to the car and say “off you go honey.” He may be slightly disorientated without a ‘request’ to pick up the dry-cleaning, milk or diapers, but the hint of freedom will be all he needs to race off to his store of choice for some quality man-shopping! Don’t discourage the poor bugger when he returns home with a couple of huge Walmart bags full of awesomeness.
- Stock the fridge with his favorite beer. AND for the love of God, PLEASE place it in a prominent place where he doesn’t have to rustle through bags of broccoli, quinoa and fruit salad in an oversized container (that, let's be honest here, no-one ever eats...or if they do venture inside the mystery bowl, they just eat the grapes).
- Crack open a nice cold beer and hand it over WITHOUT the standard comment about carbohydrates. Sit him on the couch and load up the original Schwarzenegger version of ‘Conan the Barbarian.’ Pump up the barely-used-since-the-kids-came-along 5.1 stereos and listen to him recite EVERY line with a thick Austrian accent.
- Have a massive family-friendly all-in juicy dirty barbecue with overcooked sausages, greasy burgers, a couple of prawns, crappy potato salad, cheap-ass white buns with seeds, and don’t forget the riotous 80’s music! Leave the ketchup, mayo, macaroni salad and margarine on a table WITH THE LIDS OFF. Under NO circumstances should you even DARE try to sneak an “apricot marinated chicken fillet” or an assortment of fresh vegetables onto that grill!
- When the beer has run dry, and the night is winding down, don’t forget to give him a hefty slap on the arse and take a moment to remind yourself why you fell in love with him in the first place! And whatever you do, don't ruin the awesome man-day with nagging that the garbage bin STILL has to go out...there’s STILL oil in the driveway and his clothes aren’t going to pick themselves up.
Happy Fathers Day!
