Silly me, how could I expect my teenager to be on board with this?

 I am soooo sorry for the delay on a new post. Silly me, I thought my teenager didn't care what the hell I did or said.

It turns out, he does. 

Me: Hey, buddy!  I am going to start my blog up again and make YouTube videos. Fun, right?

Teenager: **Looks up. Blinks. No words. Goes back to his game.**

Me: I need your help with videos!

Teenager: **Finally looks up from his game** Wait. You're doing that mom blog thing again about you and dad sucking at parenting?

(That was the fastest and easiest way to explain the blog to a then eight-year-old, and it stuck.)

Me: Yes! That! 

Teenager: Mom, no. That's dumb. And you can't talk about me, my friends will read it.

Me: Yeah, that would require you and your friends to not only find the blog online but also read the posts. 

Teenager: You said YouTube too? Are you trying to ruin my life?

I pause: I totally didn't expect him to care. Instantly, I regret saying anything. Of course, he would think it's a dumb idea. He thinks every idea I've had since he turned 12 was dumb.

Teenager: What are you going to write about me? It can't be embarrassing. I need to see it first. Same with videos. 

Me: Deal!

Fast forward to my first post talking about how EVERY time I walk past my child during the summer, he asks for something to eat. I feel like I spend half my day feeding my child and the other half shopping for food! So. Not. Cool.

Y'all, I'm here to tell you, a "growing boy" eats non-freaking-stop. Like, an absurd amount of food!

In all seriousness, with the exorbitant cost of groceries today, I thank my lucky stars I only have one child to feed! My heart goes out to every parent struggling to keep up with the constantly increasing cost of living. I see you. It sucks. 

I finish the post about me essentially spending summer 2025 as a private chef to a growing 5'10" thirteen-year-old and email it too him to read. 

Teenager: **His bedroom door flys open** WHY ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?

Me: I am not calling you fat! I am talking more about how hard it is to keep up with grocery shopping and meals during the summer.

Teen: No, you are calling me a fatty McFatFat. You can't post that. Riz killer. 

Me: GHAAAAAA. Fine.

Next post: We live like feral animals during the summer. It's seriously IMPOSSIBLE to keep the house clean during the summer. There are shoes EVERYWHERE. Socks in every corner. Towels at the door. Sunblock on the floor. 

Y'all, I try, But, it gets to the point where I am done trying and yelling! 

So, until September, I'll be inviting in my home by saying: Welcome to my shithole. 

I've resigned to the fact that we will be feral af until the fall when we are back on a normal routine. Sorry, not sorry. 

News Flash: This post, too, did not pass the teen-test. 

Teenager: You can't tell people we live like dirty animals! Riz killer. 

Me: What can I talk about?

Teenager: Your garden.

Fear not, I will figure out a way to revive this beautiful space, and I'm no longer worried about grumpy teenager backlash. Besides, from what I understand from friends with older teens, my son is going to be perpetually annoyed by my ideas and even presence until he is 18 years old, so I might as well give him a good reason for it!

This is by far one of the greatest pranks I have ever pulled on my Australian husband

In honor of FTD's citizenship, I thought I would share one of my favorite funny stories from when I first brought FTD to the US to meet my family.  FTD, this Friday Funny is for you. I can't believe you stuck around... hahahahahahaha

When FTD and I came back to the US for the very first time so he could meet my family, I lived in the top floor of a third-floor walk-up on the fringe of a beautiful sprawling tree-filled park. It was one of those perfect summer evenings: warm air, birds singing, a gentle breeze drifting through. FTD was out on the balcony, and I was inside doing something when I suddenly heard him yelp. I rushed out to see what happened, and there he was, completely dumbfounded, looking like he couldn’t believe what he'd just seen.

FTD pointing out into the air, at absolutely nothing, and says, "Holy shit!  Did you see that?"

Me, now equally dumbfounded, say,"What?"

"THAT!" FTD still pointing into the air, "THAT BLOODY BUG JUST LIT UP!!" 

It took me a second, but I realized he was talking about a firefly.  

Another second later, my lightbulb went off. 

Once I got over the initial shock that they don't have fireflies in Australia, a stroke of genius hit.

I looked at him blankly and said,"Oh! Those are government bugs. They take photos of us periodically for the census and immigration."

In complete disbelief, the man nearly fell over. Shook and mumbling, he proceeded to walk right to his computer. 

I couldn't believe it, he bought it!! hahahahahahhaahhahah

A minute later he yells out, "It's a fucking firefly!!!"

Y'all. He stayed with me. hahahaha

Seventeen years later, and that shit is still so damn funny to me!!!  He really bought it!  What in the hell do people think goes on over here in the US??? hahahahahahah

I hope you have a fabulous weekend!!! Xx

 

We're BAAACCCCKKKKK!!!! It's Time For: First Time Mom And Dad the TEENAGE YEARS!!

Helllllllooooo!!!  We’re BAAACCCCKKKK!!!

There is so much to say and tell you about!!

First and foremost, what took us out of retirement?

The teenage years. I. AM. NOT. OK!

Like, at all.

Ollie is 13 years old, 5’9”, has a size 13 shoe and farts that are beyond lethal. 

Yes, I threw farts in there becuse that is my damn life!  If I’m not dodging his boy farts, I’m suffacating from them.

What’s even more exciting: TODAY, First Time Dad (FTD) took his citizenship test and PASSED!!!

That’s right, FTD is now on his way to becoming a citizen of the USA! 

We were def a little worried with everything going on with immigration in the US, but after nearly 15 years in the US, FTD hasn’t even had one speeding ticket, and he’s dedicated his life to working with children with learning differences, so if he couldn’t pull it off… 

Get ready for future posts on surviving the teenage years, this horrific job market, mental health, what we’ve been up to, FTD surviving Stage IV cancer, and everything in between! 

We are also working on getting the First Time Mom and Dad YouTube channel back in action to show you all the shenanigans UNCUT!

For now… a photo recap of a few highlights over the past five years!

I wish I could say we got our Sh!t together... but... nope. Not even close.

Are you ready for it....

Halloween Eats and Treats The Entire Family Will Love!

 

Thanks to Covid-19, this Halloween will be like nothing we have experienced. And most likely, not in a good way. I keep praying for torrential rain to blame Mother Nature for ruining Halloween, not the pandemic. Still, we can't ignore Halloween. Our kids won't let us! So, to bring a little cheer to the holiday fear... below are some yummy Halloween eats and treats to make the day as memorable as possible, and I'm not talking about hot dogs that look like fingers. Been there. Done that.

Edible pumpkin candy bowls 

Halloween Tie-Die Bunt Cake

Ultimate witch's hat cupcakes!

Super simple Cheese puff pumpkin bags. You can buy decorative bags at the grocery or dollar tree and fill them yourself. Cheap and easy!

Pumpkin patch cupcake poppers. 

Monster Marshmallow pops: So easy, the kids can make them...

Ear wax (caramel) marshmallows: SO gross and so easy to make!

Skeleton Cheese Skull

Halloween Bark

Spider PB&J! I love Healthy Halloween-inspired treats.

This Monster Meatloaf is so gross. I'm totally feeding it to my family.

Pumpkin drink cooler: GENIUS!

Coffin Bread Bowl: SO EASY! No directions are needed...

Homemade gummy worms: We make these a few times a year. Fun and easy!

What's your favorite? Have you ever tried any?

Check out my Halloween Pinterest Boards for more Halloween inspiration, from costumes to decorations to more eats and treats.

Proof Toddlers Are Hardwired To Be Crazy...

So, toddlers. A friggin breed of their own. I am convinced that the little buggers have the following Code of Conduct hard-wired into their DNA...

1.  You are the alarm clock for the entire family,  it is your job to wake everyone up at the ass crack of dawn every day. Every. Single. Day.  

2. ALWAYS crap your pants AFTER leaving the house.  Your best bet is to clench those cheeks together until you have left your street, and then EXPLODE!!! To achieve Legend status, do this when your parent is in a huge hurry to get somewhere very important.   

3. Do not be content doing anything for more than two minutes.  You have to constantly keep moving.  NEVER SLOW DOWN!

4. If you are not interested in being picked up, get as low to the ground as possible. Think dead weight. Feel free to flail and cry for added difficulty.

5. If someone tries to take something from you, teach them a lesson by first throwing it, then jump up and down while making your best "oh you are going to be REALLY sorry," face, then fall to the floor and start flopping about in protest; scream and cry extra loud if you are in public.

6.  If you do not like the food that is served to you, throw it on the ground in disgust, then at your parent, then at the cat/dog. For extra credit smash the remaining food into your hair and clothes. When you are given something to drink immediately dump it in your lap.

7.  Whenever possible terrorize the family pets so they know who is in-charge. 

8.  NEVER EVER let your parent get the house clean. EVER!  Once something is picked up off the floor, put something in its place. A good rule of thumb is dumping out the cat/dog food daily. Feel free to snack on it as well. 

9.   You are in control of your sleep schedule. If you do not want to go to sleep, then don’t, and if someone really wants you to go to sleep, then definitely do not do it. Do your best to get so tired that you become an evil miserable crying mess.  That will show them! 

10. Always do your best to be in the way, including but not limited to; playing at your parent’s feet while they are cooking, cleaning, fixing something, talking on the phone, getting ready for work, or doing anything that looks remotely important. 

11. Take ALL of your toys out of the toy box before playing with any of them. This goes for books too, rip all of them off the shelf before reading one. Your job is to make a huge mess. Hint: To keep things interesting, never ever play with the same toy or book for more than one minute. 

12. Under no circumstance will you make diaper changes or potty training an easy venture.  If poop does not get everywhere than you have failed.13.  Every time you leave the park throw a fit big enough to make it look like you are being kidnapped. If you are lucky this will buy you five more minutes on the slide. 

14. The minute you learn to walk, refuse to be held. Insist on walking EVERYWHERE! 

15. The minute you learn to talk, DO NOT STOP! Do not be discouraged if you are not understood - talk away anyway. It is not your fault if people are too stupid to understand you. 

16. EVERYTHING in this word belongs to you. Feel free to touch it, take it, hide it, throw it, smash it, break it and completely ruin it. HINT: ALL of the telephones in the house belong to you - store them in the toilet. 

17.  Your Mantra is, “Catch me if you can you silly fool.” 

18.   “No!” means, Good Job!  Keep doing that! 

19.  NEVER EVER do anything the first time you are asked. 

20. And last… The most important code of toddler conduct… For every five minutes you spend terrorizing your parent(s), sibling(s) and/or pet(s), provide one minute of pure sweet lovin' to ensure complete forgiveness.

                     

BONUS!  The Property Laws of a Toddler.  (I didn't make this up, another genius did.)

                                               

An Irish Toast and 12 St. Patrick's Day Fun Facts Worth Knowing

 

Did you know...

1. St. Patrick was not Irish. He was born in either Scotland or Wales. At the young age of 16, he was kidnapped by Irish raiders and sold into slavery. He spent six years herding sheep in Ireland before escaping. 

2. Legend has it, St Patrick drove all of the snakes out of Ireland. (Truth is, there is no evidence of snakes ever even being in Ireland! Geologists claim this is due to the Ice Age, NOT St Patrick.)

3. St. Patrick's day was a 'dry' holy day of remembrance in Ireland until 1970. (I love when people embrace change.)

4. Your odds of finding a four-leaf clover are about 1 and 10,000. (It can be done!)

5. The phrase, "Drowning The Shamrock" is from the custom of floating a shamrock on the top of whiskey before drinking it. The Irish believe that if you keep the custom, then you will have a prosperous year.

6. Legend says that each leaf of the clover means something: Hope, Faith, Love, and Luck.

7. There are more Irish in the US than in Ireland. An estimated 33.7 million people living in the US are of Irish descent. That is NINE times the total population of Ireland! 

8.  No one is really sure where St. Patrick is buried. The site with the strongest claim is at Down Cathedral, where a large slab of rock on which the word "Patric" is inscribed.

St. Patrick died on March 17, 461 AD

9. The custom of celebrating St. Patrick's Day began in America in 1737.

(I at the fabulous parade my city puts on every year!) 

10. There are 4 US Cities named Shamrock. They are located in Texas, W. Virginia, Indiana, and Oklahoma. 

11. Ever Wonder how they dye the Chicago River green? The dyeing of the Chicago River dates to 1962, when Mayor Richard J. Daley and Stephen M. Bailey, a boyhood friend and then-St. Patrick's Day parade chairman started the tradition. Today by boat, three men use flour sifters to dump about 40 pounds of an environmentally friendly orange powder into the river. The formula for the powder, which turns the water bright green when it hits, is top-secret.

                                  

12. An estimated 13 MILLION pints of Guinness are consumed on St. Patrick's day!

An Irish Toast: 

May your glass be ever full.

       May the roof over your head be always strong.

                       And may you be in heaven half an hour 

before the devil knows you're dead.

**Looking for some awesome St Patrick's Day Cocktails and Snacks and crafts? Check out my St Patty's board on Pinterest.