That Time My Husband Told The World My Quirks, And We All Laughed Together

In these times of sadness, pain, outrage, and suffering, I always turn to my husband for support, love and a bloody good laugh. He reminds me that laughing is many times, the best medicine. If you need that kind of medicine too, then keep reading because below is one of my favorite posts he's ever written for the blog, and it's all about me and my quirks. He wrote this five years ago, and I'm happy to say, I'm still doing every single one! 

I present: "My Marital Bliss" By my hysterical Australian husband, Mr. Awesome. 

Howdy interweb readers and welcome to the wonderful, wild and wanky world of FTD!  As my wife is consumed with important html, javas and mac-book thingo's tonight, I thought that I would take this opportunity to lead you on a grand tour of cheap-thrills, saucy adventure and bloggedy blog excitements.

So...sit back, balance the 'ole laptop, ipad or other wireless device on yer guts, get a nice big bag o chips, a Pepsi Max, moist towelette etc etc and READ ON...

For TODAY the topic of choice is:

Crazy things that First Time Mom does to PISS me off!

Now...before I begin to divulge personal details, traits and other nuggets of information NOT usually intended for those outside our sphere of friends and family, allow me to present this disclaimer:

Honey, I Love you!

You know that I love you. You are the mother of our AWESOME child and you alone make me happy when skies are grey! You are a wonderful, caring, giving, intelligent person and I look forward to the next 50 years or so by your side!  

Ok (phew)!

People...FTM is awesome BUT sometimes displays bizarre and downright crazy tendencies that drive me up the freakin wall.  I'm sure everyone has their own funky little traits that grind away at their partners, family, workmates and friends but I reckon FTM is a CHAMPION of CRAZINESS! Here are a few ways that my wife manages to PISS ME OFF!

STEAMY SHOWERS - Summer, winter - whatever!  FTM has a standard bathtime routine.  Turn OFF the exhaust fan, close the door, turn the shower on to SCALDING HOT and wait for the steam to build up.  When the moist fog starts billowing out of the crack in the door then she's IN for a good 30 mins - the bathroom then stays misty for a good few hours after.  SO WHAT you may ask!? Well...we only have one bathroom and I eat a lot of Mexican food!  Have YOU ever tried to take a dump in a sauna?  You're arse slides about on the seat, the toilet paper melts in the hand, the sweat drips down your back (into the crack) - DRIVES ME NUTS! ANNOYING SCORE = 8/10

STRAWS - FTM is hardly seen about town without a Gallon of Sweet Tea, Iced water, decaffeinated coffee or juice in her hand.  She has an awesome array of plastic mega-cups, the collection so huge that it warrants it's own cupboard.  My issue is not the cups but the bloody straws.  STRAWS...everywhere...bags of multicoloured plastic shitty straws.  My main grievance is that when she comes home, she dumps the beverage dregs in the kitchen sink INCLUDING THE STRAWS!  Why do you put 'em in the sink? Do you want me to wash them? Put them in the TRASH! ANNOYING SCORE = 6/10

IPHONE - WHO gives their $600+ new iPhone to their baby to play with? FTM - that's who! Not only Ollie but every niece, nephew and neighbourhood kid! Suck on the end - NO Problems. Delete a few apps...why not? Use the car keys as a makeshift stylus and scratch your way about "angry birds" - Sure!. ARRRRRGGGHHHH! ANNOYING SCORE = 7/10

MISSING CLOTHES - Where's my shorts? Where the HELL are my socks? GONE AGAIN! FTM has a passion for ultra clean clothing.  If I wear something for an hour or so to go to the shops you can bet that, on return home, I'll be stripped down and they will be neatly folded on the bottom of the clothes-basket, ready for the damn washing machine.  It's reached that point that I have to stash piles of once-worn socks, jocks and T-shirts so they don't get washed every few days! EXCESSIVE! ANNOYING SCORE = 8/10

CAR PARKING - One wonderful thing about living in America are the VAST carparking lots attached to shopping malls. In Australia, it's not uncommon to drive around for 15 minutes only to get a park 10 minutes away from the store (if you're lucky!).  Why then do you suppose that FTM will ONLY park within 5 bays of the bloody front entrance. I SHIT YOU NOT!  She is OCD with parking.  If we can't get a close park then it's a BUST and we go somewhere else.  INSANITY! ANNOYING SCORE = 9/10

FRIDGE WARS - This one is stuff (that is used daily) sits at the VERY back of the fridge.  Her stuff (used occasionally), takes up the prime real-estate at the front.  FTM doesn't like hot-dogs so they go at the back.  Processed cheese = back!  Baloney = VERY BACK! Organic tofu, used once a week - FRONT!  Nothing worse than trying to reach through packets of "whole foods" branded black-beans, $5 organic milk and wads of BORING celery to get to my glorious "Kroger deli" potato salad! YUM !!! RIDICULOUS! ANNOYING SCORE - 7/10

POT-HOLE WARRIOR - FTM has a certain skill...a mind-boggling talent to somehow discover EVERY POT-HOLE in ANY road in ANY part of the world.  If there's a hole in the road then she WILL find it and happily drive them tires DEEP! She gonna MURDER that HOLE! "Watch out..pot-hole" says me! "I see It!" says she! FTM adjusts the steering and BAM! "wheww...that was close...thought you'd miss that one!"  Yep I'm serious! NUT-WRENCHING! ANNOYING SCORE = 10/10

Anyways get the idea! Plenty more where that came from too but I don't really wanna sleep in the car tonight so that's all you get for the moment!

What about you lot? Any crazy shenanigans that drive your partner to the WHACKO-FARM? Comment or forever hold your peace!


April is an award-winning writer and blogger. Her work has been published in over ten countries and four languages. From books to newspapers, to print/online magazines and everything in between, you can find her work. For more on April, Visit