The Bedtime Battle: The Struggle Is Real

I don't know about your house, but in mine, the bedtime struggle is real. It's an hour long battle of wits, stamina, and patience. The lengths I go to to get my child to sleep most nights are ridiculousness.  I know it. But, dammit! I need my child to go to sleep so I can have one friggin quiet minute a day, before passing out from exhaustion.

Below are the top ten things I do during the bedtime battle in an effort to get my child to go the fu*k to sleep!

1. I retrieve more things than a dog. The minute I get my son tucked in bed, he inevitably neeeeeeds something, or the world will end.  Most times, he needs multiple things like, water, Mr. Giraffe, Mr Penguin, Brownie the Horse, his red blanket, more water, daddy, another bedtime story... And like a dog, I fetch every single thing in hopes that he will keep his word and actually go to sleep.

2. I read the huge stack of books he's collected, most I've read so many times, I don't have to look at the words anymore. , "Only two books.", my kid must hear, "Bring me as many books as you can carry."  

3. I Survive my kid's gnarley, sleeper hold. After reading the books, I will lay with my son for a minute, then try to sneak out. This is the point where my son says, No, mommy, don't leave, When I get up to leave, my son takes the opportunity to put me in a choke hold hug and beg me to stay.

4. Play twenty (thousand) questions. I'm pretty sure my kid banks his questions throughout the day then pulls them all out at bedtime.

5. Make empty promises.  I will promise the moon and stars to get my son to go to sleep. Yep, I'm THAT mom.

6. Play Dead. After answering every question fathomable about farts, cars, and play doh, I play dead hoping boredom will induce sleep. Nine times out of ten, he pokes me in the eye to see if I'm really asleep, then starts asking more questions.

7. Ohmmmmm gonna lose my mind. While playing dead, waiting for the kid to loosen his death grip and fall asleep, I try to meditate. Think: Find my happy place.

8. Channel a Navy Seal. After breaking out of Alcatraz sneaking out of bed, in an effort not to poke the Dragon, I crawl out of his room like I'm on a covert operation.

9. Fall gracefully. It never fails the second I make it out of my kid's room, in the dark hallway I trip over the cat, kick a fire engine, step on a shoe and slip down the first stair trying to avoid a Hot Wheel.

10. Rinse Repeat. Multiple times. Every night.