What Happens When An American, Australian and Toddler Walk Into A Store...

For those of you who do not follow me on social media, I thought I would bring you up to speed on why FTD and Ollie have been banned from family shopping trips...

Every time we go as a family, I end up completely embarrassed, annoyed and/or sweaty from either chasing Ollie, or running from him and FTD.  Yes, running in a grocery store. You would too if two psychotic children were chasing after you shouting ridiculousness... wearing a wolf mask!

            Before I get started... lets recap some past trips of family shopping with FTD and Ollie

FTD LOVES the grocery store.  LOVES IT!  Being that the grocery stores in Australia are half the size, carry a third of the options and the food and goods cost four times the American price, FTD thinks he is experiencing a small glimpse of Heaven every time he walks into an American store. 

However, for me, I pray Heaven is nothing like shopping with that man and his mini me...

We have to go up and down every freaking aisle and discuss and touch every single freaking product.  I know more about the different Little Debbie snack cakes and cereal options than any one person should.   

At first is was cute watching my grown husband light up like a kid in a candy store when we hit the cereal aisle, now it just sucks, because HE STILL DOES IT THREE YEARS LATER! FYI: FTD does not eat cereal, he just likes to see what toys are in the boxes, "Just in case I need it."

So, now that I have explained my husband in a grocery store… lets add my toddler to the mix.  Sweet Geeezus I want to have a drink before I type out the story I am about to tell…But let's just say it starts with lots of promises of being very very good boys, and then the second we get into the parking lot, all hell breaks loose.

I present the story of why I need a Babysitter for my husband and toddler...

The minute we pull into the Kroger parking, FTD sees an employee pushing one of those kid carts with car on the front of the basket. Next thing I know, FTD has his seatbelt off and is hanging out the window yelling, “MATE! MATE! I’ll take that shopping trolley!” 

Before the car is in park, FTD jumps out and grabs the damn cart from the guy.

Of course I am like, WHAT THE? FTD insists that "there is going to be a huge queue for these awesome trolleys," so he had to grab it before someone else did.



Immediately, I'm dreading this trip.

Mind you, before we left the house FTD promised this trip would be easy, fast and absolutely no funny business. I'm not sure which one of us is the bigger ass... Me for believing him, or him for lying.

Within two minutes of walking into the store, FTD and Ollie found the Hot Wheel's display.  This time it's Ollie half way out of the car, choking on his seatbelt screaming and pointing.

FTD gets him out, and I take off... Unfortunately, pushing the straight-out-of-hell kid car cart. 

The car part is only loosely attached to the cart so it bounces as you push it. The cart itself is half the size of a normal cart, so getting all of my shit in there is near impossible. And speaking of near impossible, driving that thing is a bitch. I look like a drunk. I take out displays, knock off the bottom two shelves of products when turning, and pretty much just spend the entire time apologizing to people for taking forever to get out of their way. 

As if the cart is not bad enough, from 15 aisles away I hear, “I’M GONNA GET YOU!” followed by a squealing Ollie.

Just as I look up they go zooming by.  FTD yells out THERE’S MOMMY!! Ollie turns around and comes charging at me carrying two cars and a cookie. FTD straps Ollie back in and takes over driving.

Within 30 seconds Ollie wants out.

I’m back to driving the asshole cart from hell.

This cycle of trying to shop while FTD and Ollie run around wrecking the joint, then coming back to drop crap in the cart continues on for the next twenty minutes.

I am finally finished, when FTD brings me Ollie and says, “OK then, now I can go do some shopping for myself?”

Of course I kindly reply with, “WHAT THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN DOING?”

For the next ten minutes I follow FTD, with Ollie in the asshole cart from hell, while he goes up and down every aisle touching things.

I finally lose my shit.

I am finished shopping, Ollie wants out of the cart, and FTD is just screwing around. We have a “discussion” about what exactly he needs. Reluctantly, he agrees to throw in the towel, but not before we have to go get Pepsi Max and Candy- on opposite sides of the store.

I take Ollie from FTD, and hand over the car cart from hell for FTD to push. He starts carrying on about how hard it is to drive then starts bouncing it up and down like it’s on hydraulics. OMF! FTD!!!

I hand him back Ollie and stomp off, with the asshole cart to check out.

Then, as if it cannot get any worse, FTD’s favorite song starts playing through the store, and then my worst nightmare happens, I hear FTD sing out, “Blinded by the LICE! Wrapped up like a DUCHE you know the middle of the NIGHT.”  (He knows the right words, he just refuses to sing them.)

I nearly bit my tongue off trying not to laugh. It's like I have two toddlers. 

Needless to say, the minute we got in the car, I looked at FTD and said... Never, ever, ever, ever, again will we go to the grocery store as a family. Never. 

FTD Looked back at Ollie, smiled and winked... letting him know it most definitely would NOT be the last time...

April is an award-winning writer and blogger. Her work has been published in over ten countries and four languages. From books to newspapers, to print/online magazines and everything in between, you can find her work. For more on April, Visit AprilMcCormick.com