#EpicFail: Are My OCD Issues Depriving My Child?

I think I was twelve when I was diagnosed with, and began treatment, for OCD. While I never had it to the degree that I touched door frames on my way in or out; I did need cleanliness and order for my world to be right. I still do. Though thanks to the years of therapy, I understand the difference between a clean house and obsessing over unattainable levels of cleanliness and order.

One area I do still struggle is with my ideas of "contamination." It sounds stupid, I know. By when it comes to Ollie or Ollie's things, especially when he was a baby, I REALLY struggled with keeping him and his world from becoming contaminated. Especially, when it came to the things that went into his body.  Being that I nursed him exclusively, I ate organic and as clean as possible. I didn't drink, smoke or contaminate myself, so he wouldn't get contaminated.

YES! I am that jacked up!

While I've gotten over some of my contamination fears, I am still psycho when it comes to my kid having refined sugar and saturated fats. Just so you can have a clear idea of just how psycho I am, this is an actual conversation between FTD, Ollie and I.

ME: I'm going grocery shopping. Ollie, if you use the potty while mommy is away, I'll bring you a treat!

Ollie: YAY!

FTD: Yeah, yay! Does that mean he gets bananas AND strawberries?

Me: Maybe... Butthead! Leave me alone, if he thinks fruit is a treat, then mission accomplished!

If I had my way, all Olle would eat is organic fruits, veggies and the occasional lean meat.  I go to Whole Foods each week to by his Organic pasta, Organic cereal bars, organic peanut butter and jelly, organic yogurt and even organic waffles! Then I go to Kroger, and buy FTD and I non-organic stuff. Yes, I know I have some serious issues, but I do it because it makes me feel better, and I'm sure Ollie too. I really struggle with this idea of contaminating him.

My friends and family make fun of me for it...
Sister: "I'm making pizza, but it's not organic, so I don't think Ollie can have it." 
Girlfriend: "I don't have time to disinfect all of the toys in the house for Ollie, maybe we should play at yours." 

Dammit!!  I know I'm bad... but... but... ugh.

      (Crap. Saying it out loud like this makes me think I better call a therapist.)                                      

Thankfully, he has FTD to balance it all out. And I really do mean, thankfully.  I know my ideas are unrealistic, and well, depriving my son of some of the yummiest things life has to offer.  I've just got it in my head that it's my job to keep my kid healthy and un-contaminated.

FTD thinks I've completely lost the plot, so he sneaks crap into Ollie every single chance he gets. I ran out of the house the other day, realized I forgot my phone and ran back into the house... to find Ollie and FTD at the kitchen counter with a few M&Ms laid out in front of them!

Me: I'm not even gone for thirty-seconds and you are already pumping him full of crap?!

FTD: Yep. And he Loves it!

Me: Whatever, I forgot my phone.

You know, I wasn't upset about FTD giving Ollie candy the second I left, I was upset that I can't be awesome too.

Or, the other day, FTD and Ollie were out shopping and running errands, and came home holding a McDonalds Happy Meal. My first thought was to die. Like right there on the floor. My baby had McDonalds in his belly.  But, to my surprise, I was actually OK with it. Now, no freaking way will I feed him McDonalds. But, it's OK that FTD has that with him. It's not like McDonalds will kill him! (Will it?) Truth be told, I've gotten Ollie Chick Fil- A a time or two!

I know that my obsession with feeding him clean healthy organic foods goes overboard from time-time. And I know half the shit I buy I'm probably wasting my money on because there's not much difference between organic and not. But until I call my therapist and/or get over myself, I will continue to do my best to not "contaminate" my kid, and not lose my shit when FTD does.

What about you? Do you or your partner have subscriptions to issues too?

April is an award-winning writer and blogger. Her work has been published in over ten countries and four languages. From books to newspapers, to print/online magazines and everything in between, you can find her work. For more on April, Visit AprilMcCormick.com